INFJs are one of the hardest of all types to type. The reason for this is because of their ability to blend in with the environment they are in at any given time. This is achieved via their auxiliary function of Fe, which I will call their chameleon function.
Typically, how this manifests is that an INFJ will be hard to notice. They are hard to see. You could be talking with one and have no idea that you are talking to a person of this type. Because of their chameleon quality, they will embody whatever their delicate gyroscope tells them to embody at any given time. INFJs have a tendency to balance out interactions such that if the person they are talking to is too active, they will take a passive role. If the person they are talking to is too passive, they will take the active role. Like the tides they constantly shift. Their personalities are difficult to peg down. They instinctively resist categorization and so if they sense that they have been carrying on in one mode for too long, they will change it to something else.
Now, this is all true as regards the INFJ’s outer mode of presentation. You will have little idea that this person you are standing next to and perhaps holding a conversation with, is one of the most awe-inspiring and creative geniuses you could perhaps chance to meet. You will not necessarily have an inkling of this until you have glimpsed the INFJ in their natural environment where they rule supreme. Read some of their writings sometime, if you have a chance, which you likely won’t, as INFJs are pretty secretive.
There is a place in every INFJ where they are so removed from this world and its petty miseries, that what you are actually seeing in many of them is a husk of sorts, it is not their true self. Their true self is mostly discovered through their literary or artistic productions. When you get your hands on these, then you will be seeing the true person, and these are some inspired and burning spirits once you see past their ruse of being gently invisible.
You see, INFJs don’t want to be discovered, or at least, they are highly ambivalent about it. They will tack and shift, and throw you off the scent. They are saying, “I dare you to discover me.” They do this because they are very sensitive to being misunderstood. They cannot bear distorted meanings, which is why their works are often concealed from profane eyes and ears. Yes, the whole INFJ existence is bound up in hiding and concealing their true nature. They will reveal it at pivotal moments, when they sense the timing and circumstances are right, but they may never reveal it as much as they would like to, or as much as others would like them to, once they get a taste of the true INFJ nature.
INFJs are in high demand and yet they are often ignored by those that demand them so much. But, until these people that want the INFJ to manifest their true nature can see the INFJ as they are standing there in their shroud, the INFJ will stay concealed. They want to be discovered but they expect you to do the foot work.
Yes, many INFJs, whether they care to admit it or not, see themselves as special people. They know they are rare and they know they have very unique things to offer. The thing is they cannot often find a reason or a motivation for offering them. It is very frustrating to them and it often takes an extreme crisis of one sort or another to get them past this inertia to manifest. They are instinctively nice people and very much hate to have to hurt other people’s feelings. However, they will do so if they feel it is the only way to preserve the true meaning of a situation. INFJs will not lie to themselves. They will lie to others if need be, but to them that is all on the outer plane, which has no great significance to them. It is a matter of expediency and self-protection. They are protecting the self that they have been painstakingly building up since they were young. To them the self is the most sacred thing imaginable.
INFJs are extremely self-centered, though no one around them may have any idea of this, unless they get into some kind of long-term relationship with them. INFJs present as if they were the most sensitive and understanding creatures on god’s green earth, nodding in sympathy with you, making it all about you. You might feel upon meeting one of these melancholic creatures that you have never been so understood and soothed as you were upon talking to them. They make it all about you. They want to know everything about you. They seem so promising as people. “Who is this angel from heaven?”, you might be thinking.
But, this is all pretext with an INFJ. It is not as if they are doing this to be calculating. In the moment, they are genuinely interested in you, and maybe even for quite a while they will continue to be interested. But, there is likely to come a day where all that changes and the INFJ has departed in spirit, and left you with a well-meaning husk of themselves. INFJs seem like some of the most promising people to be in a relationship with, but in practice, they are the least able of all types to be in a long-term relationship. An INFJ is, in essence, a solo type person. Surface appearances will fool you, but that is the general truth about them, especially the men of this type.
An INFJ is usually married to their art or philosophy or whatever their ideal happens to be. They are married to their muse, which usually doesn’t take physical form in the aspect of a flesh-and-blood person. If they decide that you are their muse, then god help you. You better grow wings and speak Angelese. INFJs are very unforgiving of faults in their lovers or spouses. They will make life a hell for their beloved, and yet it all began under the pretext of heaven.
It is very hard for the INFJ to know how this came about. They had the best and most shining of intentions. But, you are dealing with a hard-edged romantic here and it is very difficult for people to live up to their ideal of a perfect relationship. What is more, it is very hard for them to live up to their ideal of a perfect relationship, and they will pull all of hell down on themselves and their supposed beloved in self-punishment for their supposed sins. This is all due to Fi in the id. I talk about Fi in INFJs in another article. Since long-term relationships fall within the purview of Fi, and Fi is a dark and undermining function for INFJs, this is what generally happens over time for an INFJ in relationship.
Now, if you want to have a fling with them, then they are like heaven’s little children in this regard. They make great lovers in relationships which last around 3-6 months. O, you will have so much fun with them if you keep it brief.
INFJs are tortured in one way or another by their longing for the perfect relationship of soulmates and the alternating desire to be dedicated to an art or mission of some sort. In short, they are tortured by whether and when they will find their soulmate and their opposing desire to be monks in one form or another. If they find a person that is their soulmate then they will go into monk mode and eventually alienate them. Once they have alienated this person, then they will switch out of monk mode and back into soulmate mode when their self-imposed cloister is too much for them to bear. If they were INTJs, this wouldn’t be as much a problem. INTJs can be monks or isolated philosophers on remote mountaintops in a more or less perpetual fashion. But, INFJs are people that need people in one way or another. This is because of the Fe that I mentioned earlier. They need people, yet they need solitude, and these alternate back and forth in a rather irritating fashion for them.
Here is what they need to do:
- Realize that most people are flawed and very human in one way or another.
- The women will try to embody the angelic side of the type and the men will seek the angel in other women. Note to both of them: Angels have transcended human existence and for the most part don’t embody in human form. That just leaves you with flesh-and-blood creatures that go by the name of humans, or for the more scientifically-inclined, homo sapiens. These creatures shit, piss, cheat, hate, have bloody periods, and so on and so forth. The men will often pick some tragic woman that is a hooker or something like that and try to save her because they see the good in her.
- If you want to help someone then don’t get into a relationship with them. If you really want to help, then establish boundaries at the outset. If you are a man, say to yourself, “I feel for this poor soul, but I’m not going to help them by getting into a sexual/romantic relationship with them where the chances of me hurting them are much greater than me helping them due to my propensity to punish the beloved for not living up to her full potential as determined by me.” You see how selfish that is, right?
- If you want to help your fellow humans, then get a degree in psychology or become a writer. Essentially, become something which doesn’t involve a long and protracted foray into a relationship with you.
- Have many relationships that are not soulmate ones. Network. Come out of hiding. Stop waiting for the soulmate that you will trap and take into your secret lair.
- Express your damn self. By this, I mean through writing, composing, painting, journaling, dancing, and not through running your tongue over some poor whore’s body. You will only confuse her (talking to the guys).
- INFJ women. Stop acting like angels or aliens from another planet. Put away your promising eyes. O, never mind, carry on.
INFJ Function Analysis
Introversion:
The hermit, the monk, the remote philosopher, the self-absorbed artist. Notice how these are all things that require not being around other people. Yes, well, INFJs will insist on the virtues of their solitude. That is, until they realize that they have run out of inspiration and need to get into some dramatic and tragic relationship in order to acquire more material for their deep researches into the human condition.
Introverted Intuition:
Prepare to be amazed and enmazed and dazed and stunned beyond your ability to endure. Yes, INFJs are magic and Ni is responsible. To see into the heart of any matter or being. To know without knowing how you know. To be inspired to the heights of heaven. To see heaven in a wild flower and eternity in an hour. To not know how to do dishes. To ignore all manner of domestic phenomena. To let the world about you crumble back to the dust from whence it came. Yes, all this is the wonder of INFJ introverted intuition.
Extraverted Feeling:
To hopelessly confuse these poor mortals into thinking that you really care about them when in fact you are one of the most selfish and irresponsible beings on the face of the earth. Thank god you are the rarest of all the types. This function also helps INFJs put on the array of masks that will help them disguise their true motive, which is to devour the beloved. However, if they choose to use this function in the service of art, literature, psychology, and the like, they are god’s gift to a suffering and impoverished humanity.
Introverted Thinking:
Yes, I know there is no T in INFJ. Nonetheless, it is very important to INFJs. See how much they love Ti and pull towards its crystal visions any chance they get. Aah, where all is pure and unsullied. Where all is heights and laughter. Where there are no mortal troubles and all phenomena can be categorized and put into a pure and closed system. Watch INFJs fool you into thinking they are an Intuitive Thinking type. And many of them almost are. But, woe betide the INFJ who gets locked into the Tertiary Temptation loop, thereby bypassing their Fe auxiliary function. A rare suffering is in store for them. O, how you were promised heaven, and given hell. Nonetheless, what a ride.
Judgment:
Woe betide those who don’t listen to the INFJ’s subtle conclusions and pronouncements about all manner of varying phenomena. Now it is they who are in for a rare suffering. INFJs are right about 95% of the time when it comes to what other people are thinking, feeling, and likely to do in the future. So, yeah, you might want to listen to them in this regard.
Need help with INFJ issues outlined in this article? Let’s consult! I have been helping INFJ’s since 2015 find their way in a world not made for them.
More about INFJ:
INFJ and Negative Motivation
Fi in INFJs
Dear INFJ: Thy Throne is Awaiting
Tertiary Temptation in INFJ
80/20 is the INFJ method of action
INFJ and The Two Forms of Ti (Good vs. Too Good)
INFJ id (in the positive) = Scorpio
INFJ in Disarray: Tertiary Ti
INFJ Superego series:
INFJ: The Superego and the Ego Ideal
INFJ: The Superego and The Ego Ideal – Part 2
What Choice?
Fe Solution for INFJ series:
INFJ: Fe is Magic
INFJ: Got Flow?
INFJ: What is Fe? Ask Te.
INFJ: Got Te Minimums?
INFJ: Got Te Minimums? (Part 2)
PLAY INFJ PLAY
INFJ: Local Environment Logistics
INFJ: Curbing Information Addiction
INFJ vs other Myers-Briggs types
INFJ vs. ENFJ: Got Introverted Intuition?
INFJ vs. INFP
INFJ vs. INFP Revisited
INFJ vs. INFP Revisited: Part 2
INFJ vs. INTJ
Famous INFJ’s in review
INFJ + Gemini = Bob Dylan Approximately
Nietzsche: The Most Instructive INFJ That Has Ever Lived
Blake, you are the greatest at explaining INFJs. I feel naked and good.
Glad to do that for you.
Can I thumbs up this comment?
Do you feel naked and good too? Aw, how sweet. I myself have a Norwegian woody.
This article was in some ways a breath of fresh air. I laughed out loud through a lot of it. Especially the part about housework. I do not see the desire to have solitude and invest time in a creative pursuit (such as writing a nonfiction book with information that will help the world) as selfish. I think INFJs can have a longterm relationship with a soulmate if that person also has a strong purpose in life, and also enjoys their solitude and respects others’ need for solitude, and also detests the whole institution of marriage.
I agree with O, though. Having empathy for the other, prevents us from being cruel. I’ve always strived to understand and connect with people. I have never manipulated them and in fact, my way of thinking and wanting ideal, kind and loving relationships and seeing the world in this way, has always made it hard for me to see when other people are manipulating me. I just don’t think that way, so I never see it coming.
In my relationships with men, I gave so much, sacrificed so much, placed their happiness above my own, and my generous spirit and empathy and forgiving nature were totally taken advantage of. I bet it’s like this for most INFJs, especially women.
But there may be a few INFJs out there who have a monstrous combined East West zodiac sign, or had a toxic childhood, and possibly they use their intuitive skills to manipulate people. I would say this is the exception, rather than the rule.
While I was reading this article, I was feeling very sure that you, Blake, must have been in a relationship with a very toxic INFJ woman, at one time.
I came across an online Meyers-Briggs test a couple days ago and discovered I’m an INFJ. I had no idea about all the information out there about this. I knew about the MBTI from a psychology class and that’s all. Now I’m starting to realize there are actual communities. Wild. So no, I have gone through my life completely unaware that I’m supposed to be special and treated like a porcelain doll. LOL I’ve experienced the opposite, actually, and had to just suck it up. Being misunderstood, or having the people around me not interested in connecting in a meaningful way and then not noticing that 98% of who I am, I simply withdrew. The 2% was enough apparently. I like the term “husk.” Apt. Also, people have been cruel and judgmental. And I’ll tell you this: this is one INFJ who is VERY strong, emotionally.
As an INFJ one of the biggest issues is the ability to perceive others’ feelings without being overwhelmed by them. INFJs need to learn how to grow firewalls against others so as to not be sucked into their vortex of toxic emotions.
Thanks for this insight. How does one grow firewalls? I need this!
For me, fireproofing myself against others’ bad vibes was a process whereby I started to wonder why some people really got me out of sorts. I started to ask myself why I could feel fine and then some comes and suddenly *ugh!* I realized I was giving these people power over my mood and emotions. Gradually I learned to more and more not surrender it. After all, why should someone else’s bad day become my bad day? Also, when I calmly hold onto my peace and joy it helps influence distraught peopke in a positive and constructive way.
Norwegian Woody. LOL! I had to listen to the song again and decided to share.
http://youtu.be/rl2xQAeCvOc
Thank you for this much needed insight – all very good and true. You were also able to give us all a way out by devoting extroverted function to some humanitarian contribution. I must both agree and disagree about our selfishness. For me, the whole is usually as important as the individual.
Yes, you see, it wasn’t completely meaninglessly mean to INFJs. I said use the auxiliary function. It is the answer to all your conundrums, of which INFJs have many by way of their lock into dominant with tertiary function. It’ll take you down. Fe auxiliary is answer in all regards. Bye.
And thanks for the comment. I was mainly talking to some other people who got mighty miffed by some of the things I said about INFJs in this article. Calm down already. Yes, INFJs are still the best. Don’t be so alarmed.
I have thought and thought and thought about this and therein I have found One Big Question – yes, all you say may be true but what do you say about Spatiality? Say *Spirituality*. INFJs may well be fucked unless they consider a certain Feminine entity.
Well, spatiality rules. Yin baby yin.
Hi,
I want to say thank you for writing this article. It’s by far the most truthful INFJ description I’ve ever read. Although we don’t know each other, I feel like you’ve just discovered the real me.
The whole article was very interesting, but what catched my attention the most was your statement that INFJs “are the least able of all types to be in a long-term relationship” and are solo type people. It’s not like I disagree with it, but your opinion is contrary to popular beliefs. INFJs are usually described as warm and committed partners who are perfectly suited for being in long-term relationships. It would be very nice if you could present the thought process which led you to this conclusion. I’m just curious if your observations and deductions are similar to mine.
I’m not from English-speaking country, but I hope my English was’t bad and you understood everything clearly.
Thanks in advance for your reply.
Your English is fine. Yes, I know the opinion stated here run contrary to popular beliefs. How I arrived at the conclusion that INFJs are the least able of all types to be in a committed relationship was by reading between the lines of many people I have collected over the years, both personally and well-known persons, that I believe are of this type. One of the things I noticed about most of them is that they tend to engage in very stormy relationships that have a lot of drama. INFJs do have a lot of empathy just like the popular descriptions lead you to believe but their feeling nature tends to be so strong and overpowering that it doesn’t make for smooth sailing in longer-term committed relationships because most of what those kind of relationships entail is a constant and steady drip of love rather than an overpowering surge of passion and emotion. For just this reason, INFJs tend to be unstable in longer-term relationships. They yearn for emotional explosions and upheaval. In other words, they like stormy romance. If they find a partner that can provide them with this over long periods they might stay in the relationship. What i really meant is don’t expect INFJ to be peaceable married and domestic types. They are too self-centered and immersed in their inner world and visions to pay much attention to a flesh and blood person that has their own needs. They are also not too interested in many of the practical aspects of marriage. This ain’t their forte at all. They are bohemians. They by and large do best around people that are artists or intellectuals and as far as having relationships it tends to be with people that are like this. They also love variety in their relationships. Marriage, by definition, is opposed to this variety.
First I wanted to say that this article, and every other INFJ-related article on your website, is the most brutally truthful stuff I’ve ever come across regarding my type. And it’s painfully accurate in my case.
I chose this particular comment to reply to, because it’s also among the few things I’ve read that goes into what I’ve always felt about monogamy. I’ve been with the same person for almost 25 years now, but we’ve been in and out of the “swinging” scene over the years, though I’ve never viewed it the same way as it seems that most do within “the lifestyle;” i.e., I’ve never been into it to be a bedpost-notcher like it seems that many are; I’m in it to make connections. (and that sort of goes along with what you said about INFJs being risk-takers at times, since making deep connections with others outside of your marriage can be like playing with fire to many.) Since discovering MBTI a few years back, it always seemed to me that the INFJ-ness played a role in it, despite how most in the INFJ online communities I’ve participated in seem to try to project a “pureness” and come across as staunch defenders of monogamy, writing off people like me as common sleazeballs. Astrologically speaking, I also have Venus in Aries, which I’m sure is also a contributing factor.
There is a bit of a dilemma, unfortunately, for an INFJ to be in this type of lifestyle; I still need to sense a bit of a connection up front with the others that we meet with, or else chances are good that I won’t be able to perform, and most people we’ve come across in the lifestyle are quite superficial. And there is one hell of a vetting process to help ensure that doesn’t happen, which few pass, sadly.
On the astrology note, I also very much appreciate your interest in making the connections with MBTI beyond the usual “hey, I wonder if people’s sun signs correlate with being an INFJ?!” that you see so often in MBTI online communities, not recognizing that it’s perhaps many different combinations of placements that could spell “INFJ”. You seem to intuitively “get it” like so few others do. I have a 12th house stellium, and four 12th house placements overall; quite a lot of “Pisceanity” going on there, despite having no direct Pisces in my chart. If you ever want to shoot the breeze with another with an interest in MBTI and astrology, feel free to shoot me an private email sometime! 🙂
Sorry to hear about your troubles finding friends to play with.
Thanks for the thorough comment. As for the relationship of Myers-Briggs to astrology, the Myers-Briggs type cannot be found in the astrological birth chart, though it is obvious they are using similar terminology. For example, the four basic functions of of intuition, thinking, feeling, and sensation are analogous to the astrological elements of fire, air, water, and earth respectively. However, the Myers-Briggs type is inborn, already existing at the time of birth, while the influences of the astrological birth chart begin at the moment of birth. In my opinion, the influences of the astrological birth chart either reinforce the Myers Briggs type, or amend it, but they do not indicate what the Myers – Briggs type is. That being said, the astrological birth chart is extremely useful as a contextual index for the orientation of any given Myers – Briggs type. For example, you mentioned placements in the astrological twelfth house as being one of many indicators that could indicate an INFJ type if supported by other similar factors, but in my view this is incorrect. An ESTJ could have the same birth chart as an INFJ and still be an ESTJ.
I’ve just got to stop you here. And I have to say I DO appreciate your honesty- and there is some information here that is true patterns in INFJ’s- I don’t really believe you entirely understand us.
This topic of long term relationship- which is huge for me because YES, as an INFJ I struggle with it. It’s not entirely why you stated though:
“their feeling nature tends to be so strong and overpowering that it doesn’t make for smooth sailing in longer-term committed relationships”
This is true- but what’s also true is that the INFJ can see what is going on for their partner- their wounds, how they need to grow, if they are lying, etc… and most INFJ’s can’t shut the fuck up and not bring shit up. We are “seers” and to ask us to not perceive or share it is almost impossible. So, I really think it’s both of these dynamics. And BTW- this sucks! It’s really shitty seeing everyone’s shit especially when you are trying to partner with them.
But you know what I learned? To grow a pair and a spine– I went through therapy, yoga and meditation and have learned to emotionally regulate myself. I can see stuff and keep quiet because I have enough humility to know that I don’t always intuit everything accurately- people need their privacy and one doesn’t need to bring everything out. I will say though, that this pain in the ass gift of mine knew when my ex was lying about drug abuse which was very dangerous– so I’ve learned when to follow it and when to leave it alone. In my opinion it’s an ethical issue that all intuits/INFJ’s need to really consider.
YES, this is our nature. NO it doesn’t mean we can’t have long term relationships. ALL of my friendships are long term- since childhood. It’s harder when it get’s romantic if the INFJ can’t regulate themselves and stay out of their partners head. Having emotional boundaries is so important- INFJ’s must learn to give people psychic space.
What I want to WHOLE HARDHEARTEDLY disagree with you on is the following- which seems an odd statement to me:
“They are too self-centered and immersed in their inner world and visions to pay much attention to a flesh and blood person that has their own needs. They are also not too interested in many of the practical aspects of marriage. This ain’t their forte at all. They are bohemians. They by and large do best around people that are artists or intellectuals and as far as having relationships it tends to be with people that are like this. They also love variety in their relationships. Marriage, by definition, is opposed to this variety.”
Honestly- I don’t know where you learned this but I’d say that very few INFJ’s would agree 100% with you. Are you kidding? I LOVE helping and serving- taking care of my family and my son and friends. While I’m totally bohemian, grounding in domestic life, and nurturing people has been a hidden source of pleasure and peace for me. I am NOT a natural at (domestic life) it but I’ve known for a long time I wanted to heal and serve and so it’s always been an area I focus my personal growth on. I’d like to think I’m REALLY good at it now– people always tell me they’ve never been loved as much as when they are with me and I make that a goal in my life. And I was once in my 20’s polyamorous- but found that I’m truly monogamous.
At the end of the day, you seem smart and insightful, but I’m afraid you are not entirely accurate about INFJ’s. Several commenters and myself have said that while you are very insightful, brilliant event- there is so obviously a negative perception that is tainting your opinions. I’m sure a very wounded or out of control INFJ could do some serious damage– I think my mom is one of those and I was abused by her growing up. But I encourage you to realize that if someone is a wounded/ effed up ANYTHING (ENJF, INTJ, etc…) it will manifest outwardly as their darkest aspects- and not necessarily a true reflection of the type.
There was a lot of good I got out of your article– but some dark misconceptions. Thanks for allowing me to participate.
If this doesn’t feed the swell of every infj’s self loathing I don’t know what does.
It’s okay if it does that. INFJs are tougher than they think. They are not some PC liberal’s porcelain doll children.
Ha! It sure did mine lol
I feel like shit. Some of my greatest memories are with people I’ve emotionally fucked over. I thought I was a good friend too. It’s just that I was being selfish and not holding it together during the hard times. I can’t even give them a call every now and then because I’m so wrapped up in the past, thinking about the triumphs we’ve had. I’m addicted to proving to myself that I was at the center of it all. I feel like a monster.
Get over it. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Your not a monster. You are not the only one. Fuck.
I’m an INFJ with little to no preference over feeling to thinking, by 1%. As this “article” may apply to some corrupted INFJs, I do not think this applies to each one. I found this to be offensive. This seems like an outsider’s point of view. We may appear to think we’re special, but it’s not that we, or I, think we’re special, it’s the ability to see more into people and the things around us. If you’d like to think that’s special, then use that word, but in reality it’s just different. We’re just different because we can see more, meeting very few other people who can see as much. Imagine it like perceiving a whole other physical dimension. It becomes very lonely. It’s hard to have someone believe in me enough to the point where I open up. I have had truamatic childhood experiences. It’s not about keeping myself from other people it is the fear of rejection, like most other people have. I think because we “see” more, it’s harder to find someone, just someone who will understand where were coming from. It’s a lot to take in, being an INFJ. It’s hard to find someone else who wants to help you carry that. I think after being rejected so many times, others not being able to handle all of the things we see and have to take in, that’s where the fear of rejection comes in. I think that’s something every person would feel after being rejected so many times. I’ve been in a handful of meaningful relationships, none of them didn’t work because the other person didn’t meet my requirement, I don’t have a requirement for a mate, eexcept to feel that chemistry and love like everyone else wants to. If an INFJ wants to fool everyone and manipulate them, I’m sure they could, easily, but I don’t think the majority of us INFJs want to do that. That would just make us more stuck inside of our own heads, never telling anyone the truth, our real motivations. I think the last thing I want is to put myself deeper into my mind. Making myself more isolated. Why would I want to isolate myself? That’s why we need people, or if anything just one person. So we can tell those deepest thoughts and feelings to. I genuinely care and am interested about my friends. I want to understand how they understand. It doesn’t have to do with entertaining us until we get bored. How could you get bored of someone. Each person is so infinitely different. Perhaps this kind of INFJ is one that is young and fallen prey to their own demons. Just because we have the ability to see so much, doesn’t mean we use it for ourselves, to manipulate people and secretly underneath we actually don’t really care about their feelings or what happens to them. INFJ is one of the most empathetic types. Being able to pick up what others are feeling around us(and we’re not just picking up bliss and butterflies). I can to a certain degree feel people’s pain. I’m not that messed up of a person to be able to pick up on someone else’s feelings and having that knowledge only use it for my advantage. It doesn’t make sense for one of the most empathetic types to do that. That would require detachment from our own feelings and the person person were fooling. How could a person who feels so much detach themselves and just use people? We’re so empathetic because we see so much. Because we feel what others feel. Most of the time thats pain. I think the INFJ you’re describing is possibly one who’s very memtally unhealthy and perhaps has a form of sociopathy. You can’t just use people until you get bored if you have so much empathy and emotion. Manipulating people for one’s self, being self centered, can’t happen because of the empathy and emotion. The guilt becomes unbearable. I’m not sure what INFJ you met, but I don’t think that article applies to all of us. Next time before you judge another’s entirety (personality and mind) and write about how you think they are. Try to get some perspective. Maybe put yourself in their shoes. Something I don’t think other types can do fully with an INFJ. Being one of the reasons why we’re so misunderstood. Good luck with future “articles” and don’t be so quick to judge from only your perspective.
O poor misunderstood INFJ, self-pity is not the way. Look, I do have a perspective on INFJs. It is my perspective. You have your perspective. I am not saying all INFJs are like how I described. There is no authority for what an INFJ is or isn’t. There are only personal perspectives based on various people’s descriptions.
The reason I wrote about INFJ the way I have here is because of a reaction to all the various descriptions that paint INFJ as if they were some untouchable demi-gods. I do not find this helpful to INFJ people because it actually caters to their tendency to see themselves as exempt from earthly activities because they are so insightful, sensitive, empathetic, special and so on. I actually agree that most INFJs are those things. However, many INFJs also use these descriptions as an excuse to not participate in the world. Plus, I am tired of the whole political correctness thing that has begun to mire the Myers-Briggs community in deadness and and lack of forward progress. It has become a very conservative community.
If you are an INFJ or think you might be and what I have said has offended you, or you don’t think it fits INFJs, then feel free to not take it seriously. I know I don’t. People have gotten too serious about a subject that arises from play and lightness.
INFJ suffer from too much seriousness arising from questions of self-identity. Because they have such an unstable lack of a firm identity and are in search for this immutable sense of self, reading an article like this can throw them, because many of them are in the Myers-Briggs community and very attached to the version of themselves that they see painted in the consensus opinion of much of the online and otherwise literature on INFJs. I know this. It is okay. I sympathize and empathize with you. INFJs have a great gift. No doubt. In order to share it they have to be able to weather attacks on their precious sense of identity. For example, the same traits that make INFJs such great empathizers can make them experts at taking advantage of and manipulating people. I’m not condemning INFJ. I like INFJs. A lot. Please don’t kill yourself or get suicidal over something I said on this silly blog.
Okay? I love you.
Sorry Blake, as a solid INFJ for a couple decades I agree with O.
I too found this article offensive and read like an outsider view. Also your reply opening of assuming self pity was passive aggressive, clothed in babble. Especially as later you say, “feel free not to take this seriously”. *flat stare*
You are most certainly welcome to have your viewpoint. I have no difficulty accepting any personal postulations you may have in accordance to your universal perspective.
The damage comes from those INFJs who have just discovered that they are this type and absorb what you say into themselves as they search for their own equilibrium.
What you say, I reply, “Whatever… Have a nice day.”
But to you budding INFJs, I know what its like to sit in the timestream, desperately trying to balance your ‘consciousness’ as it wobbles back and forth between this dimension and an eternal/timeless realm.
You are not crazy. Don’t listen to him. For that matter, don’t listen to me. You have access to everything you need at your mental fingertips. Listen to your intuition. Cultivate that. Use it from behind the scenes to make your environment and the people around you the best they possibly can. It will make you happy to spread joy and harmony.
Occasionally you will find something that provokes you to direct response. Follow the timestream and (here is the secret) figure out what message/outcome you want out there.
For example, this reply. Yes I was offended, but so what? I backed up O because I ‘saw’ it would be appreciated from his eyes.
Do I actually want to discuss this with Blake? Nah. I don’t think he really gets it, but that’s okay.
Do I think he could do some damage with this article? *Ding ding ding*
So this response is all for you (and me) to save you from that “But… That’s not…. Well, I guess it must be…” confusion.
This article was not written from a solid INFJ. But it is interesting how this person perceives INFJs.
And now I have said my peace.
Or alternately, budding INFJS could be damaged by being treated like little porcelain dolls who can’t handle a little harshness.
INFJ here. I’m sure like all INFJs, I can see truth in all of the opinions above. Like all INFJs, I also am protective about what I consider to be my ‘powers’ thus degraded, and even in the truth, I find bitterness. In this way:
Every maturing INFJ has found that intuition and extraverted feeling are frightening; a great power that can be used properly to great benefit to humanity, or a great power that can be used to destroy worlds. Stating that fact, as I just have, would seem to anyone else to be the pinnacle of arrogance, self-aggrandizement, vanity. And that, primarily, is one of the reasons why INFJs hide, not just because we are very sensitive to the judgement of others and would abhor to be thus disdained (which is very true), but also because if people see the power then they will insulate from it, and will thereby put themselves beyond our influence, because, basically, no one would want to be at the mercy of a greater force. So just as an INFJ would eternally fear to be set-up against an INTP in a world of details and analysis, or an INTJ in a world of scientific systems, or an ENTP in a world of inventions, so too would any other type fear to be placed against a master of empathy, against the one who understands the motivations of those around them, and the one with the power to push levers to make people into what they most desire to be, or the opposite.
And so the element of expediency, self-preservation that you call out should be understood in this context. These are people who wield big sticks, but who would rather operate through incentives to achieve an ultimate goal.
And that goal tends to be, as Riah mentions above, for the health INFJ, betterment. Betterment of the world first, betterment of the self and of those one can influence for the better.
But this goal for the unhealthy INFJ can be adverse and malignant. It can be the use of the powers for dominion. An excellent example of this to me is always the story of Galadriel, in the books or in the film, who wanted betterment and was offered the One Ring; this ring would have taken her powers to the next level, unleashing a terrible force. She passed the test, and rejected the ring. She chose influence over big sticks; she did what a healthy INFJ must do, which is to place the betterment of humanity first.
As you mention Blake, individual people come far behind in the priorities for INFJs, and there can be a lot of turn-over in relationships because of this. If an INFJ does not find someone who is aligned to the greater vision, then the relationship is a mistake. Ultimately, the people around the INFJ comprise a suite of weapons, warriors to help in the fight for the betterment of the world; and those who cannot live up to the challenge are forcefully improved (manipulated) or discarded, yes. But this is not selfish, in that it is not done in the interests of self; it is collateral, in that it is done in the interests of greater good.
But the kicker is that the true soulmate understands; and the true soulmate is therefore venerated within the world of the INFJ to the level of sainthood. The one who is worthy to walk with the INFJ in this great adventure will never be manipulated or discarded, but will receive the greatest love achievable; for the INFJ lover will spare no effort to comfort his soulmate, and will use all powers and mastery wrought of empathy towards the ultimate benefit of this mate.
Therefore all the contentions above are valid, but are all flawed for a lacking in depth and real understanding of the vocation that unfortunately comes with being INFJ, for better or for worse, and the incessant immutable undying love by the INFJ for the partner that merits it.
Yes, I think all your points are valid. However, you are being a little dense in your dispensation of them. C’mon INFJ, read between the lines. I’ll give you a hint: Seek the proper context for what I am saying.
Blake, I know. You know. Its less for you and more for them.
But thanks.
you’re kind of awesome. I was typed as an INFJ and… well… I’ve been interested in the topic ever since… it’s helped me to understand myself better and understand that other people are different… Gosh I can relate to this article that you wrote so much… like … I don’t know if that’s a good thing though lol… um. yea
I hope that… I could have a good relationship one day. and well I hope I don’t ‘idealize’ the person or try to turn into something their not and that I don’t… do all that stuff. Well, I think it will be easier to do that if I’m more understanding and get my ‘need’ for personal relationships ‘deep’ connections from a variety of friends, not just my lover. *sigh* I dunno.
Thanks for this. I feel exposed but happy. I relate to the selfish core. I sometimes tell people I am selfish and love being in my Ni world. They don’t believe it. They see Fe only, also I think because that is what they want to see. Also I am fascinated by violence. Not to practice violence, but I do like people to have the potential of violence. If this is missing, I feel like angering them a little. Or hurting them. Of course I do not tell this to anyone. Haha. And I agree that I have those moments were I like wallowing in selfpity. And it doesnot help, and cannot stand it in others. Any way, back to my wonderfull inner world, were I can see our godliness.
Of course INFJs love violence. There is no use in pretending. O, your secret fantasies I can see.
Violence is always retained as the last solution. The ideal is to be met at any cost, even if violence is the only recourse. It is here that the primacy of Ni over Fe occurs, and it is not a good place – this paradox means that violence is only used as the last recourse, when an ideal must be met regardless of the cost to others. This is what I refer to as collateral in other places. It is to use a weapon of the darkness in a fight against the darkness – it is done at peril and at great cost, but it is nevertheless an option.
It depends on what you mean by violence. INFJs often use emotional violence as a first recourse.
As you said in an earlier comment, they forcefully improve other people, whom they view as collateral that are expendable in service to their ideal.
Do you see how this could be viewed as selfish by people that are not at one with the INFJ mission? If not, your self-righteousness has blinded you.
I see it. The point is just that. The context matters.
It is the bigger fight that consumes the INFJ. Others will see it as selfish. INFJ will see it as circumstance. Inevitable conflict will occur. A good healthy INFJ should not let it happen, but when it does, unfortunately the bigger picture will triumph over individual needs.
Blake,
You are a sociopath, and a demon. You have taken the very small hidden truths of INFJ, and made INFJ’s out to be evil like yourself. You are evil, and your couching and gaslighting is exactly what narcissists do.
And one more thing Blake, if your article was accurate or honest, I would not have to read between the lines. People who are honest don’t ask others to find the meaning in their riddles. You are a sociopath, everyone here, … educate yourself on what he just did.
This article is honest. Whether it is accurate is for others to decide. If you don’t know whether if is accurate or not, then you may simply take it as my take on INFJs. Deal?
I don’t think INFJs are any strangers to evil. They tend to take a healthy and intelligent interest in it, which is not to say they are evil, but rather that they are willing and/or motivated to learn as much as they can about it. And this is if they are healthy INFJs.
@111, Blake is not a sociopath. He is a poet and a meanderer and hopes for and craves intelligent conversation and the person that can do battle with him, though he thinks those are few.
He is human though, and yeah, his biases, his experiences, his education and ignorance [everyone has it somewhere] are going to color his work. How is that not fair? Do we all just shut down and sit in a corner because we are not perfect in all ways? That is what causes damage to an INFJ, to fear and withhold expression. And he again and again insists we express ourselves. And he throws his stuff out there in the form that comes to him, perfectly imperfect, allowing an INFJ the same forgiveness for flaws.
INFJ’s can read between the lines. Yeah, there is sensitivity but I’d imagine many of us feel fairly honed and are strong enough to handle his methods. And on days we are not, we can watch Netflix.
Thank you for not sugar coating. I can relate to this and it’ll help me mend some relationships, or at least try.
Your welcome.
I can also see how we would be the least likely type to be successful or happy in a long-term relationship; or maybe it’s just me. I want to be in a loving relationship but other times I just can’t see it happening. I like feeling free even if it’s just so I can be boring sometimes lol.
I can relate to that.
hi blake, I am both flattered and a lil’ hurt by your article… you were totally correct about out writings, luckily enough I have a degree in psychology and am a writer as well so I wouldn’t inflict unrealistically high standards of idealism on my partner, but do you really think… it’s a boon to the world that we are the in rarity? Anyways ,you caught us! we are self-centered and we know it.. haha 😉 I loved your article… Trust me, it has more positives than negatives …Thank you for your accurate description and for calling us awe-inspiring and creative geniuses.. btw please let me know what’s your type? You really do understand us…( and don’t take offence…but you may actually be an INFJ Soulmate jk 🙂 )
My type is ninja alpha zebra.
Yes, I think it is a boon that INFJS are the rarest of all types. Limited supply is always a boon from a value perspective. And trust me, INFJS secretly revel in their rarity.
I an INFJ soulmate? Wow, it sounds like you just told me to go fuck myself.
“his function also helps INFJs put on the array of masks that will help them disguise their true motive, which is to devour the beloved. ”
The true motive of the INFJ is to devour evil and better the world. Anything in the way of that, including hapless partners who want to be put before this ideal, will be collateral. Any analysis of INFJ that fails to understand the big picture is not a true analysis, and will distort the facts and thus fail poorly in verity.
Yes, INFJs are dangerous, and yes, any people who wish to be with an INFJ to benefit from the unmatched empathy without understanding that they, as individuals, are neither alpha nor omega to the INFJ will eventually be destroyed. To partner with an INFJ is to walk into the fire of an ideal – of course you will be burned if you go thither unwittingly.
But the INFJ is an unparallelled lover to those who merit it. For those whose ideals are aligned with the INFJ, to not share in the fire of that idealism is to be evermore poorer for the lacking of courage.
Blake observes a fire from the outside and judges it wrongly. It is not a fire made for the wielding of an individual, to pander to vanities like a happy puppy; it is a fire made to fight against darkness, and it is terrible in the wielding.
Your self-righteousness has just set me ablaze. I am now officially inside the fire. I pray that I judge it correctly henceforth.
Sarcasm appreciated. Really.
Again, its context. The big picture is all an INFJ really sees, everything else is white noise.
The perception of vanity is never a good attribute, and is often misconstrued as naked vanity, self-advancement at any cost. But any INFJ you meet will be the first to tell you that none of it is personal (and that disagreements over intent are, eventually, unimportant (although maybe ever important in the moment)).
But the intent has a purpose that is greater than the subject (or obviously the immediate object), and that is why the drive for authenticity, purpose, validity, consequence is considered to the INFJ an ideal beyond arbitration, discussion, pause…
I can kind of relate to your post. Because of our passion and our set ways, it is easy for us to get caught up in the moment (in defending our ideals) and then later realize we were an irrational mess. Or it just takes us a moment to calm down. It is very difficult for me to express my emotion, but especially when someone presses my buttons (which is hard to do, how do they even find them?) then I’m a mess. I don’t make sense and become somewhat emotional.
“To not know how to do dishes. To ignore all manner of domestic phenomena. To let the world about you crumble back to the dust from whence it came. Yes, all this is the wonder of INFJ introverted intuition.”
Perhaps you confuse INFJ with the INFP? To close is essential to the INFJ, regardless of the paradox, which is half to dream, and half to close. The paradox must be balanced within a healthy INFJ.
A lack of closure in necessary tasks is not a hallmark of INFJ (at most it is 50% of the character of an INFJ). The practicality of the ideal is what makes its accomplishment possible, and possibility is what makes the pursuit of any ideal attractive to an INFJ.
INFP can dream for the sake of it, and linger in disrepair like Miss Havisham. An INFJ must act, or cannot be an INFJ.
So this characterization I also debunk.
__________
There is truth in what is written above but there is also a dangerous ambivalence at work. Blake, it reduces the import of your work to have untamed biases at play.
Good debunking job. You hear that INFPs? INFJs are better at dishes than you are. Make sure you pass along the news to Edgar Allen Poe.
No offense INFPs. The emotional depth of the INFP is unparallelled, and greats works of art to this can attest. But where you get stuck in inactivity because of the volume of emotion, that is the point the INFJ closes off emotion and acts. The fundamental differences between the types:
1. INFP will always feel deeper
2. INFJ will always feel more in commonality
3. INFP might linger in despair lamenting a lacking of influence for the lack of worth
4. INFJ might linger in despair lamenting a lack of worth for the lack of influence
5. INFP might recover from despair through a shrug, when self-esteem is repaired by the needs of self
6. INFJ might recover from despair through a shrug, when self-esteem is repaired by the needs of others
INFJ are not good. But INFJ are the unwilling servants of the greater good. This is the curse of empathy.
so are INFJs like femme fatales or something
this article kind of makes me want to date one
– Bob
Yes, the term “femme fatale” was probaly coined to describe a woman of the INFJ type. INFJ women are often bewitching, entrancing, and hypnotic. If you get involved with one then you certainly will be in for a rare treat. ENFJ women are similar in this regard. They will put you through the shredder of love and desire.
Yes, I don’t blame you for wanting to date one. Many men find them irresistible. Have fun.
This article highlights a specific aspect of INFJs that is often purposely overlooked. There are two ways you can degrade a human being, to make them inferior or to put them on a pedastal. INFJs heavily participate in the latter, including towards oneself. It’s evident in the negative responses to this piece. Your article is insightful and important for a young INFJs. The first step to becoming ‘wholesome’ is to see flaws as well as strengths.
With that said,
I find that ESTP women are also convincing as an archetypal femme fetale. It particularly interesting as their functions are: Se-Ti-Fe-Ni which is the reverse order of an INFJ. Do you have any thoughts on this?
That is interesting what you said in the first paragraph. Interesting insight.
As for ESTP women being femme fatales, I would have to say no. They are like the inverse of a femme fatale. A femme fatale is a dark and mysterious female that takes indirect paths to get what she wants. ESTP women are often what could be termed “very hot” by the general male population, but I think this is an obvious thing that these women are often very aware of. And ESTPs are usually aware of their affect on the opposite sex.
No, the whole femme fatale thing definitely revolves around an INFJ or ENFJ type women, a dark and dangerous women. That being said, I think many women as a biological imperative, that is, because they are women, have something of the femme fatale qualities. It is just accentuated in INFJs, probaly to the utmost extent of all the available types.
ESTP women, especially the ones falling at point 3 on the enneagram, remind me of vanilla. It is kind of a flavor that appeals to everyone more or less. It would be an ESTP woman that would say, “I am everyone’s type” or something like that.
INFJ women are more like black licorice; strong, spicy, warm, and dark.
“INFJ women are more like black licorice; strong, warm, and dark.”
Hardly the point of you post, but I like being compared to my favorite candy. This also sounds like a descriptor of the scents I’m attracted to. I wonder if there is a connection? — Random Musing
This is, by far, the most spot-on Myers-Briggs INFJ analysis I’ve read.
Ever since I got into the Myers-Briggs wormhole, I’ve wondered about my test results, which always turned out to be INTJ, no matter how many variations (the farthest I’d allow, anyway) I put in my answers. First time I took it, I read the description and thought it was pretty on point. But as I waded into deeper waters and read even more about the MBTI (I even tried reading Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” just to see if I could identify with the main characters), I could NEVER fully resonate with these INTJ analyses. I wanted to be an INTJ though. There’s something attractive about their coldblooded efficiency. I am drawn towards their competence and their innate ability to put into action whatever it is they have planned in their heads. But I knew something was amiss, so I continued searching for answers.
Lo and behold, I stumble upon this one article, where the writer elaborates on several subtypes (purely his own) of INFJs. I can’t remember the others, but one quickly stood out. Here he mentions how INFJs who grew up in an academic environment would be made to believe that they are INTJs. He goes on to say that their Ti is more developed than the usual, which can make things quite confusing. But they’re definitely INFJ blah blah blah.
Yeah, I bought it. I felt so relieved to have debunked the test results I knew were iffy.
So, how exactly did I stumble upon this lovely site of yours?
You see, I still wasn’t satisfied with the descriptions I read about INFJs. Most sites seem hell-bent on putting them in a positive light, what with Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr. and yada yada yada being the same type. Or maybe I just wasn’t looking hard enough. Case in point, I wanted to dig deeper. I wanted someone to point out the things about INFJs which everyone else seems unwilling to unearth.
I type in “self-centered infj” and voila! Your site pops up. First on the list.
And how utterly ecstatic I am that I found this little gem.
The people around me are always fooled. They say I’m a ray of sunshine when I’m around (but I think in my head, more when “I choose to be”). I would persistently claim that I’m indifferent to one of my close friends, but she would be quick to say that I’m not (she’s INFP, by the way). For the longest time, I’ve had the notion that I’m… darker than what others perceive me to be. I’m nice, but not kind. I refuse to be put on the pedestal, but I want glory. I fantasize about being recognized every single time, to the point that I would exert so much effort into achieving something and when I fall short because, apparently I wasn’t good enough, all hell breaks lose. In my head, anyway. Am I making sense? Haha.
Such a tortured individual I am, and it’s all my doing.
Anyway, thank you so much for the excellent and insightful read. A wave of peace just washed over me because of your blog, and I’m just so glad that there is actually someone out there who finally gets this part of me that I’ve been trying to make sense of even before I got into the MBTI shiznit.
In conclusion?
I wouldn’t date myself either. Bow.
(So I just re-read my post, and wow, that was pretty intense… but no surprise there, right?)
Thank you for your honesty. I think you just summed up what I was trying to do in my INFJ post. I’m glad someone gets it and doesn’t just see it as me attacking INFJs. Trust me, I’m not. To me, it makes INFJs more interesting to see their human side. INFJs are the “sacred cow” of the Myers-Briggs world and to say anything that is the least bit unsavory about them causes all hell to break lose on the internet. However, this toeing the line does INFJs and the Myers-Briggs community a disservice. Not to mention, it is so boring. If we are supposed to just parrot the “official story” of INFJ or any other type, then there is nothing left to talk about and we can all just go back to bed and close our eyes. Everything has become so nicey-nice, it is sickening. It becomes like a religious dogma.
Anyway, you win the best comment award. You nailed on the head what I was trying to do in this article. And I’m sincerely glad that someone is getting something positive from it. Thanks for writing.
Perfect summation of how I felt reading this article! I really enjoyed it, and it presents INFJs, to me, much more authentic and dynamic than many other descriptions. Very insightful.
Blake, are you an INTP? 😛
And wow your post about INFJ is really accurate, thank you! Especially the part where INFJs often struggle between being a monk vs finding a soulmate. What you wrote is just too accurate.
My parents have been urging me to find a steady boyfriend and get married, and in my mind I was thinking to myself, “Eew. Wtf is marriage?”
I feel like deep down, I am actually a loner by nature. I don’t fit in with this world. I have never really fit in with this world. Relationships are not for me. Marriage is not for me.
I am not the romantic type. I can’t be bothered about sex, I can’t be bothered about candlelit dinners, I can’t be bothered about all those things.
In my mind, I have already visualized what and how my ideal life should be like, and I wanna turn all my visions into reality.
One of my visions for example, is to travel the world someday and explore the world and experience all the different cultures and get to meet new people etc.
And another of my vision is to find a career that is suitable for me and that I enjoy doing, because I have depression and I either get fired or is incompetent at every jobs I ever had, and my Ni found a solution for this problem, and the solution is to find a job that is on par with my abilities and that I feel motivated to do. Passion is what motivates me to do well in a job, and somehow, my Ni managed to figure this out. I am getting tired of being fired from jobs and getting micromanaged by coworkers in my job, so I make it my life mission to get out of this cycle that I feel stucked in.
These are 2 of my most important goals/visions in life, and I am striving to turn these two things into reality. My visions are mainly related to things and ideas, and unfortunately, marriage isn’t one of my visions. If I ever get married, it’s because I have been pressurized by my parents and because I wanted fit in with society and look normal to society, and not because I truly wanted to get married. Heh. INFJs are meant to be loners, how true!
Okay, I’m just gonna say one thing. Listen. DO NOT get married just because your parents want you to get married. DO NOT get married under any circumstance for their sake. One of the dumbest things in the world is people getting married to please their parents. There is only one correct reason for getting married. Ready for it? The only reason to get married is because you want to get married for whatever reasons you have come up with at the time. That way, it is your decision and then you don’t have to blame your parents if things don’t work out.
And listen all you dumb fucking parents of the world. Pressuring your children to get married just to satisfy some ideal of what you think is appropriate or proper or the ingredients of happiness for a person will backfire on you. If you want your children to be happy adults then let them make their own decisions about who they will choose to spend the rest of their life with, if they make this choice in the first place, which they don’t have to. And try to err on this side of things in general. Because it only means something if you make your own mistakes and victories in life. It is what you choose that matters.
Alright, back to Mr. Happy. So, if you are truly an INFJ, then your interest in “things and ideas” is probaly misguided. Ideas, yes. Things, no. Maybe you are looking for the wrong type of jobs for who you are. INFJs are people persons whether they care to admit it or not, and many of them seem happy to do so in their bypassing of their auxiliary function of extraverted feeling to move towards their tertiary function of introverted thinking. As I said in this article, the tertiary function will promise you heaven and deliver you to hell. So, the way I see it is that you need to get out of jobs where there is heavy micromanagement going on because a true INFJ will never be happy in a structure and hierarchy like this. Yes, INFJs are basically loners, but they are loners who need people in one way or another. What this means in actual effect is a humanistic profession pertaining to the arts, psychology, and anything that involves feeling values of a light and easy character. Where there is flow. Because INFJs are feelers over thinkers, they need to pay attention to the way situations feel to them. Basically, if they feel bad then they are wrong more or less for them. It is that simple. Of course, INFJs locked in to their dominant/tertiary loop will make things very, very complicated. And it will seem right to them when they are there.
If you are doing anything for a significant portion of your life that is missing in the wonderful expressive gift of the INFJ, then you are selling yourself short. That could be the reason why you keep getting fired. If you keep getting fired, it is a sign that whatever you are doing isn’t right for you. People that belong to a profession naturally do not get fired over and over again. If you were in a profession and environment that was suitable for you, you would take to it like a fish to water and excel from the very beginning. You might not be a master of the profession right away but you would certainly have that feeling of belonging there, and by extension, you would do well for that reason alone.
I don’t know if you are an INFJ, so that advice is strictly for INFJs, and I stand by it. There would be very few exceptions to that rule for an INFJ. Yes, I know some go into the sciences and others work in extraverted thinking type business environments, and some of them excel here, but I’m talking for the vast majority of INFJs, and particularly the ones that are stumped in some way. The successful ones don’t need this advice. They are happy wherever they have ended up. So there is my piece on that.
I certainly wish you all the best in turning your visions and dreams into reality. So, again here are the takeaways. Don’t get married because it sounds like you don’t want to. And get another job. Don’t waste your life in a job that isn’t right for you. Life is too short and there are plenty of jobs that you could get if they were suitable to your temperament. If you have a job that isn’t suitable to your temperament, then it will be an uphill battle all the way. It will drain you of energy, demotivate you, and depress you.
INFJs are very creative and should shoot for a job in the arts or in the humanities or the social sciences. INFJs have a more challenging time then most getting and maintaining employment because the general run of jobs, especially in today’s world, is unsuitable for their temperament. The vast number of technology jobs that have opened in the last 10 or 15 years is unsuitable for INFJs in general. INFJs are some of the least technically gifted people in the world. Working with things is not their forte. They can be good at working with information and communications but if the information they are working with is too dry and technical they will tend to lose interest.
I would advise INFJs to go into the careers that most people advise against going into because the careers aren’t practical. Careers such as writing, painting, acting, musical composition, singing, dancing, poetry (yes, you heard me), and in short, all those careers where the chance of making a living are low. INFJs have more chance of success in these type of careers than any other type, with the exception, perhaps, of the ENFJ. So, where the practical wisdom is true for most types, it is not true for the INFJ type.
And moreover, an INFJ will be happy and efficiently functioning in these type of careers. And since one spends a great portion of their waking life working at some job or profession, why not make it one that you are happy at. Even if you were successful at something that you didn’t resonate with, it that really success?
Okay, I know I said I was only going to say one thing but I got on a roll. And I care goddammit.
Am I an INTP?
If you want me to be. 🙂
Hello there Blake, I want to say that you appear to be incredibly intelligent about the INFJ typing and have truly earned my respect with your intelligence.
I wanted to bring some of my own opinions and questions to light; it is remarkable that you have inspired me to do this in the first place as I am usually a recluse on the internet.
First and foremost, I would like to discuss the only thing that I may disagree with which involves the career paths for the INFJ typing.
“The vast number of technology jobs that have opened in the last 10 or 15 years is unsuitable for INFJs in general. INFJs are some of the least technically gifted people in the world. ” – Blake
I cannot speak for those who prefer computer hardware over software development. However, I absolutely love computer science, and anything to do with programming in general. I’m attempting to reconcile this somehow with an INFJs creative nature, but unfortunately I cannot; perhaps it’s the way in which code can be molded in many different ways to reach a desired result. I know that my particular brain is very algorithmic in nature, and the algorithms in my head usually produce the desired result in practice. As further evidence that software engineering can be a viable career path for an INFJ, and not an outlier, is that a quick CTRL F of the word “technology” in this document leads to two other individuals (as of 7-7-2016) that also subscribe to this field.
Secondly, as far as getting and maintaining a job is concerned, I wanted to add some personal exposition. I did not initially go towards my chosen career path, and this is because of my sheer fear of failure, despite being one of the top individuals in all of my classes. However, I was always extremely honest with my employers about how my chosen path differed from the one they had envisioned, and despite this honesty they truly began to value me as an employee. It may just be a personal trait of hard work that allowed me to be successful in this type of scenario; however, despite my success, my true path never wavered. I always continued to want to find a job as a programmer, and even though the current career path did not resonate with me, I still managed to do exceptionally well and hold the job without fear.
“Even if you were successful at something that you didn’t resonate with, is that really success?” – Blake
It’s definitely not the most fulfilling thing, and in the end will make an INFJ such as myself unhappy; however, I will always be able to remember the impact that I made in the lives of my coworkers, and that alone will make the experience somewhat worthwhile.
Thirdly, I noticed that the other INFJs tend to focus on certain points of your story. These points include the following:
“To hopelessly confuse these poor mortals into thinking that you really care about them when in fact you are one of the most selfish and irresponsible beings on the face of the earth. Thank god you are the rarest of all the types.” – Blake
I understand where you are coming from for sure. I can remember having full control of the emotions in emotional, wall-breaking, and intimate conversations. If desired, I could present myself in such a way to where the other person would have no idea of my true emotions. I could appear to be completely opening up to a person, while in reality having full control over what I was saying. Getting extremely personal information from people would only take me a few hours while for others it could take a lifetime. If I had so wished, I could mold the other person into exactly what I wanted them to be, and I knew that I had that talent.
However, this is where I would like to make somewhat of a counterargument about the innateness of the selfishness and irresponsibility that you mention in the comment. From my personal experience, I have always looked to help each person grow. In the most extreme case, I managed to take a person who was completely shy and had never truly opened up to anyone, and help them to fully communicate with me and other individuals openly. Where I could have potentially molded them in a negative manner, I almost always chose to help lead them in the direction that would better their lives overall. There are many cases where this had been a detriment to myself, but I always knew it was the correct action to take.
That being said, I fully agree with the serious possibility of selfishness and irresponsibility; I have seen the negative possibilities with my own eyes. However, I would like to make the assertion that it is more of a great power – great responsibility type of scenario. While INFJ’s theoretically can pull the heartstrings of the people around them in a positive or negative light, the direction (whether positive or negative) can depend on the personal health of the INFJ individual.
Now, if you are referring to selfishness and irresponsibility when it comes to things not directly related to peoples’ emotions, I have no counterargument in the slightest. I am very aware of a tendency not to support or subscribe to things that many others do so wholeheartedly. For example, there is no urge to send money directly to those in need, vote, etc. which I consider a character flaw. I have come to believe those who wish to leave a positive impact have different methods of altruism, with mine being the desire to help grow individuals to being the best possible people that they can be.
“But in practice, they are the least able of all types to be in a long-term relationship.” – Blake
I agree on a personal level. While I tend to focus around platonic relationships, I have very high expectations the closer the individual is to my heart. However, the expectation is really just one thing, continually demonstrate to me that you significantly care about me. I can’t speak for other people, but once I make the commitment to an individual, it lasts for a lifetime. This is true well after the other person has no interest in a close relationship anymore (which I try not to go after people who won’t be around for the extremely long road anyway). There are people that I would still say I love today while not believing that we are even remotely close to one another. I definitely have been overbearing on some of my friends when it comes to my expectations, and this has pushed them away from me. However, I only believe that side of me comes out when I perceive a change in the other individual’s heart towards me. I do not like that side of me, and I can see why you believe that INFJs have difficult times with relationships in general.
Despite this, I truly believe that I have touched so many lives of people in a positive manner, even if the relationship did not end well. While INFJs may not have the lasting relationships that others will (according to your perspective), I truly believe that they can leave unrivaled impacts on the person during the process. These impacts are hopefully positive.
Finally, the only other thing that really intrigued me was Blake himself. You seem to have an unmatched understanding of the INFJ personality type, and continue to prove it through your interactions in the comments. Your usage of certain phrases to defuse conflict while still remaining honest is extremely interesting, and it reminds me of another friend I have. I personally laughed at the usage of the phrase “I love you?” to completely change the tone of the conversation. Despite this, there are a few things that you don’t seem to fully give description on that I want to ask you directly about. I personally consider myself an expert in conversational misdirection, and it seems like you are also excellent at this trait. You do not have to provide an answer if you don’t want to, but I am truly curious to the following:
1) Why do you seem to be hiding your Myers Briggs typing? I personally think it would incredible to know which one you are so that we can look for other individuals with the same understanding that you possess. Also, if you are not hiding it, what is it?
2) Your way of describing INFJs is incredibly interesting. It’s as if you tend to believe INFJs stand out as indicated by the following statements:
“INFJs are still the best. Don’t be so alarmed.” – Blake
” To me, it makes INFJs more interesting to see their human side.” – Blake
INFJs apparently have a very powerful interpersonal ability. My knowledge of other personality types is very limited, but I would assume that each type has something that it excels at and can potentially make the world a better place. For instance, I’m sure that other personality types have unrivaled abilities to dissect science, command authority, etc. If we think about it that way, it is as if each of us are superhuman in our own ways. We just have to ensure that we all try to make the most of our innate abilities.
So my question is, why the particular interest in INFJs? I have limited reading of your other articles, but it appears that you have a fondness for INFJs specifically.
3) What exactly are the sources that you study for your knowledge? You mention personal and celebrity type individuals are your sources in the comments, but do you intentionally seek them out? Or do you just intentionally observe as they come along. There seems to be a general vagueness on how you have amassed this knowledge.
Overall, excellent article. I do not generally seek out forums or other types of groups of INFJs or other personality types; however, after reading this article and doing brief youtube searches, I can see that the perception of INFJs may be a bit exaggerated. All individuals and personality types have an incredible amount to give to the world if they live to their fullest potential. For every INFJ that changes the world, there is another personality type that will invent something no one can live without, etc.
If you think I’m going to respond to this, you must be out of your motherfucking mind.
Nonetheless, your very relevant comments are recorded here for posterity.
And also, I think you just won the longest-comment-ever-posted-on-my-site award too.
So, congrats. 🙂
I guess you didn’t meet many healthy INFJs. I won’t shame you for that. But clearly you had a really bad experience with manipulative people. Manipulative and mean people come in all types and shapes. Much of this article is exaggerated.
I don’t feel any kind of special, because rare doesn’t mean special. Fe is not about manipulating people, it’s about knowing how an event will affect others.
I don’t know how it is clear that I had a really bad experience with manipulative people. The truth is that what I said about INFJs is not anything that I disapprove of or condemn in them. It is just my honest observations.
Yes, I’m sure some of the article is exaggerated. You want to know why? So, people can get a feeling for how an INFJ is distinct from every other type. Oftentimes, that requires emphasizing and painting some of the extremes of behavior. This is what gives you a feel for the differences between types. And I feel that the article was effective in doing that.
And some people have found it helpful and clarifying. Some INFJs have thanked me for finally revealing what they felt deep inside but no one talks about. Why does no one talk about this? Because they are trying carefully and assiduously not to offend anyone.
And to my eyes this is doing a disservice to the Myers-Briggs type community. So, this is my way of contributing.
If you don’t like it or don’t agree, then you don’t have to be here. Which is not to say that I don’t want you to be here. It’s just that you have that freedom, you know. I really wish everyone the best.
Where do I find a version of this from a solo polyamorous person’s point of view? It is way too good to be ignored because of the mono/nesting/escalator bias.
I don’t know quite what you are asking. Can you be less cryptic?
The second half is written from the point of view of a person who only acknowledges monogamous/nesting/escalating relationships as meaningful long term relationships. So when an INFJ enters a relationship with a solo poly person, the SPP might see the same characteristics in a completely different light. I was wondering if you have come across an article similar to yours where the same traits were described from the perspective of such a person.
As for the first part; have you considered, that the INFJ in question is not self-aware/in denial/struggling to accept themselves? I, personally, needed twenty-something years to finally stop trying to fit in and accept that to the overwhelming majority of people I’m just going to be a freak no matter how hard I try 🙂 You know, there are plenty of us, who don’t know what MBTI is, that they are not alone and they’re not crazy – just way too different from the “norm”. Like this part: “the whole INFJ existence is bound up in hiding and concealing their true nature.” It’s not easy to reveal something if you don’t know how to and/or you’re not even aware that it’s there. Or as I said before, you choose to hide it because everytime you put your guard down, you’re called a freak/weirdo.
Anyway, nevermind. Thank you for posting this. Plenty of food for thought. My otherwise useless degree might finally come in handy.
The truth is people are going to see these traits of an INFJ in a different light depending on who they are. I’m speaking mainly in the normative sense as I understand it, so, as you say, from the point-of-view of monogamous relationships. It is true, these traits of INFJ that you were referring to might not be at all shocking or a cause for dismay to a solo poly person.
Also, understand that I am not condemning INFJ for concealing their true nature. It is more a matter of that they must find a way to express it within the confines of their culture. Through some medium. Whatever floats their boat.
And yes, it is all just food for thought more than anything else.
I enjoyed reading this piece and had even more fun contemplating it throughout the day. I am every bit of what you describe as an INFJ whether I want to admit it or not. It may not resonate for all, but it sure did for me. Thanks for your insight.
You see, fun, that is what we are driving for. Remember guys, this stuff is supposed to be fun. Truly.
I understand this is how you see it and you might have had some harsh experiences.
However, I feel like this article describes INFJs on the more immature spectrum. I’ve done lots of self-discovery, meditation, used psychedelic drugs, faced my fears and came to accept that I, as well, am just a weak human too who farts and has all kinds of “flaws” (or, something that could be considered as a flaw, I think it’s just the reality). I can’t relate at all to the parts of this text that says INFJ’s can’t accept humanity in its all shades and can’t never truly love a real human being (just fake it).
It’s pretty disgusting image that you’re drawing here, reminds me of the description of narcissism (how narcissists “lure” people to be with them and after that has worked, then end up being horrible and controlling). It can be true on more immature INFJs, who are in a constant search for the “perfection” but never find anybody that can fit that. And immaturity isn’t always tied to the age; you can meet immature adult INFJs as well.
I’ve came to accept that I’m not very good with people; thus I don’t want to “force” anybody to be with me. I’ve had some toxic relationships in the past when I was > 18-years-old. Now I’m rather happy alone than in a toxic relationships, even to the point of being afraid of commitment. I don’t want to end up hurting people.
In every human relationship of mine, I’m constantly keeping this in mind. It’s a principle to me. I want to consciously keep it casual, because I know it sucks if it gets too deep. I think I am too energy draining myself, so I don’t want to dump my problems on other people. It’s not healthy for me and not healthy for them. I’ve met an ENFP guy, though, who seems to have very strong mental health himself and he always wants to help me. He has helped me to find a therapist etc. I don’t mind it because he is very mentally strong and balanced. But sometimes I’m afraid I’m too much for him too and draining him. He never admits that and says it doesn’t even cross his mind, maybe my intuition here is wrong.
But yeah… just wanted to say this in case I’m not the only INFJ who thinks your article doesn’t reach all the INFJs in general. It can create some confusion. I rambled a lot here, maybe I just wanted to say we can overcome those things you mentioned, or at least change ourselves in a way that we don’t take other people with us to the misery that might exist inside us. And yeah, perhaps I was a little bit offended because I saw “the immature me” in what you wrote, but not the current me. And then you presented like everyone were as immature. I’ve done lots of work with getting to know why I act like I do and think I’ve bettered myself; we can overcome those traits, or learn to live with them so that we don’t hurt or mess other people up with our own problems. The image you drew here was rather pessimistic.
Oh sorry, < 18 years old*.
First of all, I’m sorry if you feel hurt or offended in some way by this article. I assure you that wasn’t my intention.
I don’t know that I like the whole “mature-immature” scale. The reason for this is because I am not sure what is desirable or not in human nature. You mentioned narcissism. That is typically a word that is used with a pejorative connotation, and I’m sure in the extreme sense, narcissism is something that is crippling to the person that has it and the people around them. But, narcissism is a trait that I see existing in certain types. INFJ would definitely be one of those types.
The thing about INFJs that makes them so maddening and difficult to understand is that they will often possess a trait such as narcissism but it will run side by side with a corresponding trait of absolute sacrifice and dedication to a higher ideal. And even sometimes, dedication to actual flesh-and-blood people. But, the way I see it, INFJs are not really here to love any one person (though they certainly can and will throughout their lives) but to experience many different persons in order to gain knowledge of the human condition. Of course, in order to do this, they need to have deep relationships and bonds and they are often highly capable of extremely deep love, but again, as I was saying with the maddening nature of INFJ, side by side with this capacity for deep love is the capacity to discard people too. And it is not because they don’t care about them or that they are heartless (far from it) but that they tend to burn through people relatively quickly.
And there is really relatively little that they can do about this.
I’m not saying people can’t change and I’m not purposely trying to be pessimistic. But, I’m a realist. In this case, it would be similar to asking a wolf to stop being a wolf and act like a dog. But a wolf will never feel completely comfortable inside of four walls waiting for their master to come home to feed them, walk them, and give them affection. A wolf must be out in the wild, free to roam and kill. A wolf is paradoxically safer in the wild. And that is part of the reason I find Myers-Briggs and typology so interesting because one type can’t really change to another type. Yes, each type can change within the continuum of its type, but they cannot change into something other than what they essentially are. And that is the wisdom of this system. To some people it is seen as too limiting and circumscribed like being in a categorical prison. But, to other people, it is experienced as a liberation and a homecoming.
I feel that to know oneself is one of the greatest gifts there is in life. To know one’s possibilities as well as one’s limitations. So, in that spirit, when I wrote this article, I sought to really grab at this aspect of INFJ that I have seen for years and over much careful and focused observation. The reason for this is because I feel it is important to have a complete picture, even if parts of it seem amoral or pessimistic. To me, it is just the truth as I see it. However, understand that I didn’t write this to paint a cynical or pessimistic picture of INFJs. Believe it or not, I actually see a lot of humor in it. I don’t condemn INFJs for having this side to their nature. In fact, I find it rather interesting and, gasp, kind of enjoy it.
INFJs are wonderful in all their multivariate possibilities. From the heights to the depths. From hell to heaven. From the tongue to the cheek. Know what I mean?
Peace. Take no offense from what I said. INFJs are wonderful just the way they are.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna ride them from time to time. As exempt as they like to think they are from all analyses. But, it’s all in good fun, can’t you see?
Myers-Briggs is some fun shit. Believe that.
mmau I agree completely! Blog describes INFJ’s as vicious narcissists who don’t care about other people except when they need to care about people to use them. I think that’s called sociopathy? Certainly not a “counselor idealist”…
Yeah, well “counselor idealist” is a pretty poor title for an INFJ. It doesn’t capture (realistically) the driving thrust of their nature. Which is not to say that INFJs don’t make superb counselors or that they aren’t idealists. However, what is missed is that often the reason that INFJs make superb counselors and psychologists is because they are capable of seeing their own darkness and amorality. For example, they are capable of seeing their own capacity for treachery. This does not make them sociopathic, but honest about the potentials and possibilities of the human condition. It actually causes INFJs a lot of pain and self-struggle, this awareness. They would like to do the right thing, but they often don’t know what that is. They see possibilities for pain in whichever choices they make. I think in the final analysis, they will err on the side of being authentic to themselves and others, which, guess what, often causes pain to other people and may make them come off as assholes or not nice. That is the price that is often paid for being honest. INFJs struggle a lot with this dichotomy between wanting to please other people and needing to be authentic and honest. Often, the two do not match up.
The image this person drew was biased and unfair. They DID paint us as narcissists, and as someone recently recovering from a relationship with an actual narcissist, I can tell you that I could NEVER wrap my head around his thoughtless way of thinking. I would take a guess that the person writing this article has a bad relationship with an INFJ and this is their therapy.
So, your argument for why this article is biased and unfair is that you were in a relationship with a narcissist and you couldn’t understand his way of thinking?
I detect bias in that counterargument. It’s biased heavily towards YOUR EXPERIENCE. Which is the same thing you are accusing me of, except in this case, you are wrong – this article is not motivated by a bad relationship I had with an INFJ.
This article is biased. But, in case you hadn’t noticed, this is not Wikipedia. And the only bias you are getting in this article is mine rather than the “fair and abstracted” bias of many so-called news organizations. Some have liberal bias. Some have conservative bias. Etc. Your bias is that you are looking for a rather PC liberal bias in this article and expect to see that in all writing as if everyone is obliged to write that way.
Newsflash!
They aren’t.
You are correct in your statement. The bias is YOUR’S.
I love your depictions blake. All personalities have a dark side to them, but the INFJ dark side is curiously overlooked time and time again. Which is why I find your insights and bluntness to be refreshing.
Those who have actually seen the dark side and have been confused by what they saw tend to take this article as a breath of fresh air amidst the vacuum of information.
Thank you.
I almost find the indignation of a lot of the comments here charming. It’s like they’re all playing along to a ‘No True Scotsman Fallacy’ bingo game whilst cribbing from the same silly repository of the worst platitudes in circulation about the mythical INFJ Unicorn.
To make it even more ludicrous, these comments typically end with the identical thought-terminating cliché that Blake could only have written such heresies because he’s got one helluva an axe to grind following a relationship with an INFJ that went off the rails.
I almost want to cuddle such poorly deployed attempts at self-validation through piss-poor logic to my cold, hard INFJ bosom.
> Jennifer:
> I almost want to cuddle such poorly deployed attempts at self-validation through piss-poor logic to my cold, hard INFJ bosom.
Is it because you’re sick with a delicious illness to spread? 🙂
Something like that, but truth be told, I am anything but generous with the whole spreading of my germs thing. Let the healthy persist in their delusions.
This describe me exactly as I am…….
I had the same thoughts and I agree with u about every thing….
and I bet you are an INFJ too….
Cool, glad you found something here that resonated with you.
Lovely article, and I hate to ask for relationship advice, but your words are all too accurate and inspiring. What does an INFJ female need from a relationship to avoid the inevitable soulmate>monk mode collapse? Am I bound to this perpetual cycle of 3-6 month long lovers? Should I consider becoming a polygamist?
Well, what do you want from a relationship? Let’s start there.
Hey sweety, actually I’ve been contemplating that myself, and I might have a recipe for success.. I have a need for space but a need for companionship, however, the companionship doesn’t have to be romantic. If you form ‘healthy’ bonds and relationships with many friends, that will satisfy your need for friendship,
but know that when you get fatigued from the exertion of reaching out to people and processing all their feelings, you can take an afternoon, an hour, or a few days off. By keeping in touch with old friends through facebook or text messaging, and going out and doing enjoyable things with people ( by finding mutual things or expanding your horizons a little and trying things they like) every week will be really healthy for you. I know our type can be a little lazy when it comes to relationships. We crave relationships, but don’t want to put in the work… If you realize this you can overcome that roadblock.
Know that you need some time to yourself because of your introversion part… you need time to get lost in your thoughts and unwind, but it doesn’t have to be all day and then you can choose which friends you reach out to and search out. It’s kind of fun and it satisfies our mischievous and curious nature.
I’m not brave enough to attempt to pursue a romantic relationship right now… but I feel like.. If I find more satisfaction in my own life and with myself, I will be more satisfied with someone else. I want them to be the chips to my subway sandwich, but not the thing that sustains me.
“Prepare to be amazed and enmazed and dazed and stunned beyond your ability to endure. Yes, INFJs are magic and Ni is responsible. ”
Don’t add extra words that do not even exist, OP lost all credibility in my eyes when they tried to rhyme amazed with enmazed…
I’ll add whatever fucking words I want to, whether they exist or not.
Actually my daughters kindergarten teacher encourages making up words. She calls those nonsense words lol. Is it true that you can type someone by just looking at their pic? Why is that?
You can type people from their pictures because of the concept of “form following function and function following form.” Of course, you would want to verify it with at least seeing them in a video (or in person if possible) to see how they talk, body language, energy, and so on. And you would also want to do this over different time periods. Basically, you need to build up a composite of different portraits of that person if you want to approach a relatively accurate assessment. For any of this to work though, you need to first know what the types are and their characteristic manifestations along a continuum of actual people. If you mess that up then you are going to get skewed results. Plus, nobody can tell you if you are right or wrong. There is no authority for who is what type. Just guesses, analyses, and conjectures, some of which are more on point than others. Or more persuasive.
It really hard to explain because that method is a perceptual thing at heart. But, I don’t necessarily agree with Isabel Myers when she says that a person is the best judge of their own type. Maybe yes, maybe no. It depends. Certainly, relying strictly on self-reporting on a personality test is bound to introduce some bias. There is often a divide between the way people want to see themselves and the way they are. But, in the final analysis, I agree that it is best to err on the side of allowing people to think what they want about themselves. I don’t think it is helpful to tell people who they are if they are not receptive to it. Besides, who the fuck are you to tell them? And what is your motive for doing so? Often the motive amounts to someone wanting to display that they have superior knowledge of this system or someone else’s typing of themselves threatens the other persons conception of what that type is, so they just can’t be that type because that type is so unlike the way that person is.
I do type celebrities because they are fair game as far as I’m concerned. If someone that is not a celebrity asks me for my opinion of what their type is (assuming that I have enough information to do that) I will give them my opinion.
At the end of the day, it is a very subjective business and one that is full of contentions, disagreements, and differing opinions.
On the other hand, I do need a certain amount of certainty to operate and therefore I take what I arrive at as true even if it is only for me, and further, even if it is only for a time. If someone can change my mind on a typing, I am open to it. It has happened a few times.
So, that’s where that’s at.
Well, I mostly agree with you but I don’t think I’m quite the selfish, evil, megalomaniac you seem to describe: “To hopelessly confuse these poor mortals into thinking that you really care about them when in fact you are one of the most selfish and irresponsible beings on the face of the earth. Thank god you are the rarest of all the types. ” I think, perhaps, you’ve let some past relationship embitter you about us angelic INFJ types.
I’ve never had a relationship with anyone of the INFJ type. I’m speaking as an outside observer in this regard.
No INFJ will necessarily be all the things in this article. It’s just describing a general tendency in many INFJs. If there is something here that doesn’t fit you, then don’t wear it. It’s your choice. Don’t let me tell you how you are.
It’s like you think this song applies to us “demons: Imagine Dragons”
meh I don’t relate to it at all, but as an immature infj teenager I totally did. Once an INFJ matures they have the capability of becoming a more complete person, just like everyone does.
http://youtu.be/PwOYTt7Y-Uc?list=RDXpxJRxa2tYk
http://youtu.be/PwOYTt7Y-Uc?list=RDXpxJRxa2tYk
Maybe this link will work =( If not, search >Jasmine Thompson Demons< YouTube if you want to hear a good song
A healthy INFJ is more like this:
Taylor Swift: I’m only me when I’m with you
http://youtu.be/Bg5uQvufauE
Okay I know it would be difficult (from what you’ve been saying) to type me based on this, but if I showed you three pics… then.. maybe you could give me your opinion
http://tiffanymorales9.muzy.com/post/310589691
http://tiffanymorales9.muzy.com/post/310456734-we-re-kinda-lost
http://tiffanymorales9.muzy.com/post/310589125
Based on that, would you agree with the assessment that I’m an INFJ?
OK Tiffany, this is just between me and you, but I think your type is…drum roll please…I think your type is…broken-link-exhibitionist.
lol k fair nuff >_<
Thank you for this article…very interesting and entertaining. Like your writing style, its hard to read it without smiling…or smirking.
I think you captured essential pieces of many different infjs and sketched it into a overall cohesive archetype. I can see pieces of various infjs in there, including myself. I certainly cant relate to all of it, but from the comments it seems that others do…yay to you and your awesome insight!
In regards to the ‘self centredness’….i can absolutely see how it comes across that way. However, i think the more accurate term would be ‘self absorbed’. Excuse me while i vaguely crap on about this …. I think infj is simultaneously utterly self absorbed, self aware, non self aware, and selfless. Most of the time, it is about finding the ideal balance or ballast in staying grounded in your self and still being open/present to everything/everyone
“In regards to the ‘self centredness’….i can absolutely see how it comes across that way. However, i think the more accurate term would be ‘self absorbed’. Excuse me while i vaguely crap on about this …. I think infj is simultaneously utterly self absorbed, self aware, non self aware, and selfless. Most of the time, it is about finding the ideal balance or ballast in staying grounded in your self and still being open/present to everything/everyone”
Yes, exactly. I was waiting to get to the end of the comments to write the same thing. Are INFJs preoccupied with their own world? Yes. Does that have anything to do with what they will do for others or how much they will give of themselves for others? Nope. The internal Ni world is not necessarily about one’s self, or at least is not about one’s self-interest. And while the Ni world is obviously a product of the INFJ’s self and can consume the INFJ’s energy (for better or worse), I don’t believe that it is typical for the INFJ to believe the world revolves around themselves.
I have a problem and was wondering if you could help me sort through it. I don’t really want to go into the details unless I have to, but… someone is upset at me. Everyone who knows me or unbiased people who I talk to about it side with me on the matter and say I didn’t do anything wrong… however, the fact that this person is upset at me is killing me on the inside… I hate.. I can’t ‘pretend’ like everything is okay, and I want this person to be happy. The last time I tried to apologize they said, “no one cares,” and that is the last time we spoke and… I don’t know… =( I kind of wanted closure or to understand what the person is feeling more but I’m to scared to talk to them about it. They are not talking to me now, but I can tell they are still upset.. but.. I don’t know.
What should my perspective be on this matter? I hate feeling responsible for everyone else’s feelings… I often want others to be happy even if they are the ones who hurt me.
My take on it is that you are engaging in drama. I think you like attention and you will do anything to get it. Now, understand, I am not judging you for that, but you asked for my opinion.
Also, I can’t help you with a problem if you don’t want to go into the details. Nor will I unless I am compensated for my time. If you want to discuss the matter further, contact me at blake@stellarmaze.com. We’ll see if we can work something out, that is, if you wish to.
Thank you for this honest piece addressing all parts of the INFJ. Especially the uglier truths, such as:
“But, there is likely to come a day where all that changes and the INFJ has departed in spirit, and left you with a well-meaning husk of themselves. ”
As someone who went through the exercise of a long-term relationship with an INFJ, this is pretty much what happened in the end. Ow, my heart.
Care to elaborate on that?
Wow! This article read to me as: “INFJ’s are succubus a**holes”. I wonder if the other Myers-Briggs types are written about so harshly! My guess is the author personally had a bad anecdotal experience with one and is applying it to the rest.
If the article read that way to you, perhaps it is because it struck some kind of nerve. INFJs have many wonderful qualities but they are certainly capable of being disappointing in long-term relationships because of their self-focus, career-focus, missionary focus, and so on. There is often a discrepancy between the way they present (extraverted feeling auxiliary) and the way they really are (introverted intuition dominant).
They are also very strong in introverted feeling, which I document in my article, Fi in INFJs. So, this strength basically gives them an extreme depth of feelings and sensitivity towards others, but because of the way they are naturally disposed to experience this function (id function), their feelings of love are often overpowering to them and threaten to sink them to the bottom of the sea. In this position, an INFJ is relatively powerless, which means that their ego (dominant function) has lost control of the id (Fi for them).
I am not putting any ultimate value judgments on this aspect of INFJs. I was merely describing the situation as I see it from long experience and observation of their type. This description is not based on one INFJ. I would consider it irresponsible to take one INFJ and apply the characteristics I observed in them to other INFJs. It is based on a composite of many people that I have seen and experienced of the INFJ type.
If you disagree that INFJs are not like this, then feel free to disregard what I am saying.
Also, if you think I am being harsh to INFJs in particular, then check out what I have to say about ISTJs, for example.
And then laugh. And lighten up.
I feel this is a very broad article. Each point is correct, but not with every INFJ. I can see where I could develop each of these, though.
I would say the whole first part about daring people to know me is so, so true. I have even said that. Being a chameleon is a specialty of mine. Sometimes it makes me forget who I am, and I have to retreat to my inner world. It gets very tiring for me to have to act.
I actually don’t view myself as the highest authority. I will take other people’s opinions if I think it is relevant. I will listen to them. I think more mature INFJ’s view themselves as the highest authority because they know they can trust themselves. I still am off and on about trusting my instincts.
I also would say for most of the selfishness you see, though I know I can be selfish, I think that is partly a misunderstanding. Partly unhealthy INFJ. And not exactly the right wording. I also think that Extroverts, especially Sensing ones, view us as selfish. Some of us can be bad. It really just depends on how we develop.
The relationship thing. I found that the only time that is true, at least for me, is when I am with someone who doesn’t fit me. Someone who despises who I am and expects me to always be what I am not. And when I am with that kind of person I am not as healthy as I could be. Like my last boyfriend. Oh my god. ESFJ. He hated everything about me except my physical appearance and my singing. He tried to cut off all of my friends from me. He was always guilt tripping me. Always said I was cheating on him (when in reality, even though he wasn’t right for me, I did remain loyal to the point of no one else even catching my eye. Except one dude. He was INFP. No one understood why we never got together). We couldn’t talk in public. Not even look at each other. The first time we even hugged was 6 months into the relationship and that couldn’t be in public either. He tried to change all that I was. And I kind of did change. I was so depressed. Once in a while I would give him a concentrated me because, well, he hated me, and that made it fun for me. Oh yeah he also had a side chick.
But this experience knocked out every desire for perfection I had, which was good. I knew what I wanted and needed. I have had a lot of experiences that have made me a much more well-rounded person. They weren’t good experiences, but they taught me good lessons. I think being raised by an INFP mother also really helped with that.
With my current boyfriend, INFP, it’s as good as it gets (I guess you all can see I love INFPs) And it’s really good. He accepts me the way I am, and I accept him. He complements me. I can be myself with him and vice versa. This keeps me from having to recharge as much. The things I would love to be, he is. And what I am, evidently, he would like to be as well. He irritates me sometimes, but that is just how it is. I am surprised I don’t irritate him more often, really. I think it is mostly due to miscommunication when we are texting. (Long distance sucks). We are also young and still learning, but I would say he is right for me. The only person I ever expect perfection from is myself. Everyone else is fine.
These are just my observations of myself as an INFJ and others I know.
Well, first of all, I think it would hardly be possible to write an article that applies to each and every INFJ that has ever existed. What I wrote is the truth as I see regarding INFJs that I have observed and known. It isn’t based on just a couple of INFJs either. So, each point may not apply to every INFJ, this is true. But, the general thrust of what I wrote applies to many INFJs more or less. This thrust may be less pronounced in some INFJs and more pronounced in others, but the general thrust is true in my eyes. How each INFJ will deal with it will vary. And I have suggested some of the ways INFJs can deal with it. If any given INFJ feels that it isn’t relevant to them or doesn’t apply in their case, then they can move on to a place that can contain who they are.
INFJs tend to have a very difficult emotional nature that they struggle with, both in and out of relationships. Relationships are one ground for testing out who one is. I think many INFJs will be torn between their desire to be nice to other people (a very real desire) and their desire to be authentic and honest human beings. This presents a particular dilemma in their type because often being real and being nice don’t go together too well. In the final analysis, I think an INFJ will err on the side of being honest and authentic with themselves, even if this means that other people will get hurt, which they often do in relationships that go bad. That’s just reality.
Also INFJs, in my experience, and by definition, aren’t the greatest in domestic situations where there is a need to be practical in such duties as paying the bills, sweeping the floors, giving constant reminders of affection to their loved ones, in short, just being consistent with their initial affections. INFJs have too much of the monk and recluse in them to be constantly in the presence of others that have very pressing and deep needs for affection and consistent follow-through from them. This is not to say there aren’t INFJs that are involved in long-term relationships, it’s more to say that I think INFJs are the least likely to be satisfied by these types of relationships because of all the strictures of duty and emotional engagement that are put on them for long periods of time.
Some INFJs will stick with the relationships and some won’t. At any rate, I think it is fair to class their emotional engagements as difficult in nature if they go beyond the relatively superficial level. INFJs have VERY STRONG feeling natures and the average domestic-filial type relationship is not likely to satisfy them past a certain point.
They will long to be free. To see what other possibilities exist in relationships with other people. INFJs are very curious about all kinds of different people. It is unlikely that this curiosity would be satisfied in one everlasting relationship with one person. In other words, they are not very suited to the convention of marriage. This would be less likely of course for women, but it still applies to them relative to other women of differing types.
And I love INFJs, which is the whole reason I posted this article. It is out of love more than anything else. I want them to be happy, even if happiness means going against some conventional bullshit and conditioning about the way relationships and man/woman relationships are supposed to go.
And moreover, it is just information. You are responsible for checking into the veracity of this information and not just accepting it at face value because some asshole like me on the internet wrote something about INFJs.
I’m sorry, I didn’t think u were a jerk for writing this article. I hope what I said didn’t seem like an attack. I did see that pretty much everything either is or could be present in me. The extreme relationship stuff isn’t really apparent when I’m in the right relationship. It may be because I am lucky enough enough to be a healthy INFJ. Not sure.
Also I apologize, as I didn’t point out things I liked about your article. The bluntness. I like when people do that.
The pointing out the best and the worst. People think we’re stinking perfect sometimes based on these magical descriptions I’ve seen, and then they find out we aren’t and well. We get a lot of hate. While I don’t care what people think of me, I don’t like people beng misinformed, good or bad.
Your article also really showed what I have always told people. You either love me or you hate me.
So while I don’t think each part of this is me, it definitely gave me some things to think about because I want to make sure I don’t become those negative things. Be the best INFJ I can be.
Thank you for taking the time to write the article and to respond.
No, I didn’t take it as an attack. I’m glad that you commented honestly. I’m just clarifying my position on this matter, that’s all. I wish you all the happiness in the world in your relationships and the same for INFJs everywhere. Yes, be the best INFJ you can be. That’s the spirit!
I have only just learnt I am a classic INFJ, I literally thought I was just mentally unwell my whole life. Thank you for this article, I hope to be able to prove some of those relationship points wrong in the future but they are completely true right now.
Thank you.
Best of wishes to you.
all is clear: Leonardo’s Mona Lisa is INFJ, right? 🙂 maketh sense, since he was an ENTP, hence naturally attracted to INFJs … 🙂
Yeah, Mona Lisa is an excellent instance of the beguiling and mysterious nature of an Fe auxiliary. What is she thinking? Who is she? You know, all this speculation about who the woman in the picture is. All this mystery that has surrounded the Mona Lisa. Yes, that is Fe in the auxiliary. Totally.
I suppose she could be an ISFJ as well. But, it is hard to tell what dominates behind that Fe exterior of hers.
Hey there again– I’m apparently your worst nightmare. I’m a female INFJ doing theoretical physics, and my Ni can beat your INTJ ass at chess any afternoon.
You understand INFJ better than most people I’ve seen, but there’s a wee problem: INFJ does not want to hide–INFJ wants desperately, insanely, painfully, clawingly–to be understood. We don’t purposefully obfuscate *anybody*. What we *do* do is refuse to be labeled incorrectly, and if you ever put a label on us that is -wrong-, we will promptly bite your head off and stop doing coffee with you on Tuesdays.*
Which is exactly what I’m going to do here. (Well, minus coffee on Tuesdays.)
An INFJ’s predominant language, despite our often over-the-top intellectual verbosity, is *not* verbal. We are predominantly about syncing up with the person in the room. We knock, and wait to hear a knock back; when relationships are done right, we are not “exchanging” at all but rather “resonating”. INFP’s and INTP’s often are able to knock back. INTJ’s rarely if ever are able to accomplish this; they don’t think this way, in this Fe raw emotive way. They are introverted feeling, so they can’t empathize in a raw way naturally except via logical deduction and backtracking onto the self. We feel this. And if we are particularly advanced in Ni and Fe, it’s like being in a room with only a few molecules of oxygen left, with someone who is sucking our last drop of it.
This is why advanced but not very experienced INFJ’s almost always suddenly pull the rug out from under INTJ’s (or, if they succeed at really explaining who they are to the INTJ–the INTJ does the doorslam). The INTJ thinks s/he is in a relationship with us because we are so understanding and wonderful to communicate with and we are looking at them with a listening smile and with pupils dilated. TRUE LOVE, RIGHT? Wrong. INFJ’s “love everyone” but not in the close up way an INFP does, going from fling to fling and believing that each person they meet is their true love. INFJ’s love everyone at a distance **non-romantically** — actually in a rather Spock sort of way. Our deep emotions cause people to believe that we are in a sexual way when our sexuality is not generally very dependent on visuals, other bodies, or other people; it’s all between our ears, a state we can only share indefinitely with people who we trust (which is, due to experience, often almost nobody). Doesn’t mean it’s not on back burner all the time — coz it is. It just has nothing at all to do with *you*.
Often, lonely INTJ’s pledge undying love for us so we feel that we owe them a chance (because the INTJ insists without us they will fold up and die, since we’ve helped them meet their emotional self and used our Ti to present it to them in a way you can relate to and understand–it’s really narcissistic really, but the poor INTJ does not realize this); the “chance” we grant them looks like true love to the INTJ so the INTJ has no clue what happens when they INFJ is being battered by the INTJ’s complete and total inability to “get” where the INFJ is coming from. Which is predominantly a combination of intuition, deep thought, and an empathy informed by our deep sense of merging with the world.
We really wanted to be there for you, we really wanted to live up to your vision of us. We weren’t trying to be your personal Jesus. We were just being ourselves. We’re nice like that, and we listen. Not because we’re trying to win you over or seduce you or cover anything about our true selves up at all.
I have a tip for you — if you want to understand INFJ’s — hang out with INTP’s. INFJ’s are *a lot* like INTP’s– we are their more intensely verbose and yet strangely not-at-core-verbal “not all there”, little sister. INTP’s are often able to put a tricky, punning, double-meaning label on the INFJ that sums us up in a quick few words where we would have had to struggle through a 100,000 page thesis complete with attached pi charts, braille, and “find the hidden pictures” games to express the same idea, because **we are not naturally verbal**. And when the loving INTP labels us — guess what? We don’t freak out, usually. We grin and say “OH THANK HEAVEN SOMEONE GETS ME.” (INTP’s also are much better at interpretting our pauses, our knowing looks, and sighs–since INTP is sexual in a way that is much more inwardly based, like we are, they don’t assume a lot of things about our glances and sighs that simply have nothing to do with what we’re thinking about, and an INTP will not generally feel a need to “assume” their way into some kind of a relationship with us based on the fact we’re doing coffee every Tuesday and sometimes watch movies on Thursdays. We’re texting the INTP while we’re at lunch with you. While we understand your soul and motivations and why you are trapped in an unfulfilling career and so on and so forth and can tell you about your mom better than you can tell us about it, until you’re putting your tongue down our throat, we have no idea you think we’re engaged–and once we realize you think we’re engaged, we suddenly think: “Oh my GOD, I must have done something terrible — I OWE HIM A DATE.)
When we show up to the first date and our INTJ friend has the priest there to perform the ceremony and a marriage bed laid out with rose petals and candles, we RUN.
If we really love you as a friend, however, we’ll show up after a few weeks for more coffee 😉
*(I am sure it was the most amazing Tuesday coffee you ever had, but it wasn’t even a fraction of the intensity that a well developed INFJ puts into a *real* relationship. The un-well-developed INFJ fiddles due to their empathy when you tell them it’s true love, and says they are “thinking about it but really don’t think so–” and you don’t believe them–but really, that whirlwind you went on with us was what we consider a cheap and probably somewhat painful diversion that is distracting us from the real thing.)
Boy, it looks like your extraverted feeling really had to express! You see what science does to you?
At any rate, all joking aside (yeah, right), I don’t agree with what you said about INTP better understanding an INFJ than an INTJ. In my opinion, INTJs are in the best position to understand INFJ impulses, bar none. But, then again, I don’t know who you think is an INTJ or INTP. In my INFJ vs. INTJ article, I list some famous examples of INFJ/INTJ symbiotic relationships in which it seems clear that these two types understand each other the best. This is important because INFJs can be hard to understand. For that matter, so can INTJs. It has something to do with knowing what the other type is driving at. What each of these types is driving at (communication-wise) is understood at a very deep and instinctual level by the other type. INTJs can often take INFJ impulses and reduce them to a set of distilled premises. Also, in the realm of artistic creation, which is the realm where INFJs excel second to none, INTJs will often be the best critics of INFJ art. It is my observation that many artists often do not know what they have created (and it may be of little importance to them also) but INTJs really excel in literary and artistic analysis in a way that amounts to genius in the highest instances of this drive. An example is Nietzsche’s first book, The Birth of Tragedy, in which he examines the artistic impulses of the Athenian people in ancient times. He basically boils these impulses down to the twin interplay between the gods they had created of Apollo and Dionysus. Nietzsche arguably had a better understanding of what the Greeks had achieved with this god creation than the Greeks themselves, who probaly created them instinctively and by inspiration as a response to meet the needs of their time. So, INTJs are really good at this. By these lights, it is quite possible that an INTJ would understand an INFJ better than they understand themselves, at least at the level of the significance and meaning of their productions.
ENTPs are also likely to understand INFJs better than INTPs. Which is not to say that INTPs won’t like INFJs but I doubt if they will truly understand them. As for INFPs, they don’t understand INFJs in a particular sense. Though in a general and far away sense, they will share similar backgrounds of romanticism. Try talking to an INFP sometime about your love of Ti things in theoretical physics. Nope, INFPs don’t want to hear shit about Ti anything. They hate Ti. Similar to the way INFJs hate Si, which INFPs love.
So, best bets for an INFJ being understood = INTJ and ENTP.
Oh I couldn’t help but to comment on this and tell what I thought about this article …
I must say Blake, your article was interesting and funny (in a good way). As an INFJ, I truly agreed with your point that INFJs can be selfish. I think many people were offended because they assumed you are referring to selfishness in an external, worldly way. But personally, my selfishness and standards came from my own thoughts. I couldn’t (and honestly still can’t) understand why people are a certain way and why things are the way they are. This came as a problem in some of my relationships because I was very stubborn and was always expecting nothing but perfection. I wanted to micro-manage everything, and isolate myself from the world when things didn’t go the way I expected them. But I eventually realized that not everything can go my way. Other people aren’t perfect and neither am I. That’s the true beauty of having a relationship in any form. Knowing that it’s okay to have flaws and that we don’t have to agree on everything to love and care for one another.
Life is full of compromise understanding. This is really important if you want to be in a healthy relationship. Once I realized this, I felt better and I’m in a happy, loving relationship that I longed for.
I know that you really aren’t saying it with a negative undertone, but really some humorous advice.
Thank you for this great insight Blake.
Oh as a side note, sorry if I have a few grammatical errors, I’m not fully alert.
Yes, its a little on the black humor side, but that’s the way I like to roll, yo.
And your grammatical errors are inexcusable. Are you writing while under the influence of heavy machinery? Didn’t the doctors warn you about that?
O, I see your name is Sensual Chianti. Nevermind, carry on.
No comment lol
Darn it I forgot to write this.
This is just me having a friendly discussion and to make (another) point to other INFJs who were offended by the article. I’m going to quote one of Blake’s comments.
“INFJs are some of the least technically gifted people in the world. Working with things is not their forte. They can be good at working with information and communications but if the information they are working with is too dry and technical they will tend to lose interest.”
I love working with things. My strong point is math. I love making programs, building computers, and learning how things work. Yet, I’m am a true INFJ. I took the test several times (in college, online, you name it ) and always got the same result.
I really love computers and technology, but I realized I wasn’t truly happy with just computers alone. I want to help people in some way. I mean I’ll have the desire to volunteer and help others, but I wanted to incorporate my love of computers and helping people in my career. I’m currently working on going to school to teach computer science. No it may not be the conventional teaching that most people associate with an INFJ , but it is helping people in a way that I feel works best for me.
So after reading your quote, I could have pouted, got upset, called you every name in the book, but didn’t. Why? Just like INFJs are different from other types, we are also different from each other. It’s okay if we don’t fit every textbook definition of it. No one knows everything about us completely (That was one of our traits right?)
I know that you were making a general discussion but wanted to add that in. There will always be people who don’t quite fit the mold that a general description says and it’s okay guys!
Blake,
I feel like everything you described is true, about being self-centered and about wanting to be special, how INFJ’s are good for short term relationships but terrible for longs one, and how we are not as altruistic as many of these personality pages would lead people to believe. But it makes me sad. I feel like I am destined to live a tortured life. I want to be with people and I want a special someone to spend my life with but I also know that due to my inherent nature, things will turn sour in the long term so now I feel like its not even worth trying anymore.
Do you think there is anything that can be done?
The first thing that can be done is to know the reality of the situation, because then you at least have some chance of being able to do something about it. Which is why I am so beyond tired of so many of these vapid INFJ descriptions.
Figure it this way. The average INFJ is half-wolf and half-angel. So, you can probaly imagine the fun time these two will have inhabiting the same psyche. The angel in INFJs wants to help others and is extremely altruistic and giving and sacrificing of themselves. Which has its own problems in any sort of normal relationship in and of itself.
OK, now in steps this fucking wolf. What does this wolf want? It wants to be free to roam and wander and ravage and pillage and rape and kill. It wants to come and go. Wolves are wild. They do not want to be bound inside of four walls. They don’t care about human sentiments and niceness and civility. Wolves are passionate. Wolves howl at the moon.
Anyway, if you are an INFJ, you might want to study the wolf nature, because, according to my calculations, the average INFJ is about half-wolf. This might vary for any given INFJ, but, of course, I am not omniscient.
And read the book Steppenwolf, which is really just a book written by an INFJ describing this very dilemma I’m talking about.
As for the angel in the INFJ nature, well, that is well-documented. Except that it is a bit idealized and taken too far. Does anyone really know what an angel is?
But, yes, it is true. An encounter with an INFJ can seem like one has just met with the most perfect angel of a being. They have a very powerful effect on people due to this.
But, wait until that wolf kicks in.
So, as for one ready-made answer to this dilemma of relationship for an INFJ, no, I do not have an answer for how an INFJ can be happy in a long-term relationship with that special someone. I would say it would take an extraordinary type of person to keep an INFJ interested and emotionally engaged for long periods of time.
My suggestion would be akin to some of the advice offered to the main INFJ protagonist in the Steppenwolf book. Experience relationships with many different types of people. INFJs basically need to focus on extensive relationships rather than intensive ones. They do well spreading themselves through wide networks of people. They generally have too much to offer that is too universal in scope for them to feel satisfied with confining themselves to one person.
I don’t know why this necessarily needs to be a cause for dismay. And however, while you are spreading yourself around and networking, you are much more likely to have a chance of finding that extraordinary person that may be able to become the INFJ MAINSTAY.
Point is, don’t worry so much about whether you will find that special someone. Find ways to enjoy yourself meanwhile. Don’t fixate on finding someone else to complete you. Turn on your Fe auxiliary, which is the most important advice I would give to most INFJs that are having introversion problems of one sort or another. Get out there. Express. Flow. Don’t fixate.
You know, that type of shit.
I’ve heard that an ENFJ is the INFJ cousin so… how do the two relate? Are ENFJ’s like… the wolf/angels too? I heard they are charismatic, but you say they are ‘bad boys or girls’ Just wondering
ENFJs are less angel and more wolf. The enneatype 8 ENFJs are more devilish than angelic, which can be a good way to discern them from INFJs. Well, sometimes. Depends because some INFJs can look rather devilish sometimes too. But, they are usually more effete and refined devils.
ENFJs are THE motherfucking devil.
Um, that might have come out wrong.
hahah… it’s okay I guess. I think I get the picture… well not exactly, but I’m going to read your comments on the ENFJ thread to see if I understand more. Thanks Blake!
I love and dearly admire your articles! An INFJ myself, I agree that I mask myself with a different persona in different context and with different people, and this becomes confusing to my close friends, as it is a confusion to myself. How can we, INFJs, know our true selves? How do I define myself and that I am being actually myself with any person?
Thanks!!
Thanks, I’m glad you love the articles. I try.
As regards how an INFJ can know their true selves, I have said this before to other INFJ who have written me: An INFJ can not find themselves by trying to find themselves. That may sound dumb and trite, but honestly, with the INFJ propensity to complicate and compound their self-identity issues with over-analysis til eternity, I attempt to just say something simple and actionable for them.
If an INFJ is sitting around in a dark room somewhere trying to figure out who they are, they will never find out who they are.
Why?
No extraversion has been engaged. What will help an INFJ find themselves is to move away from themselves in the form of outward expression towards other people or by attempting to help other people, which just has the general theme of taking the focus off yourself and putting it onto other people and their problems. INFJs spend too much time thinking about themselves. They want to know who they are really, for all times, in some static and never-changing way. This will not work for them. They need to go out of themselves and their own problems. And they need to do it ON A CONSISTENT BASIS such that it becomes an ingrained habit.
I pretty much feel that if an INFJ does this, that they will be most of the way there. Yes, it is that simple. I know, counter-intuitive, huh? Well, that is literally what the extraverted feeling function is for an INFJ, an antidote to their overintuiting propensities in an introverted mode (This implicates Ti tertiary too, this excessive introversion).
You asked how you know if you being authentic with another person. The way to know this is on a moment-to-moment basis. In any given moment when you are with other people, you will take on different roles and gestures depending on who that other person is. That is just the way INFJs are when they extravert. It isn’t inauthentic, but rather, INFJs just have very rich and constantly shifting personalities that are very responsive and flexible to the needs of the moment in the outside environment.
Yes, this can be confusing to other people. But, as long as you’re not outright lying to them (which I don’t think you are) I don’t think there is really anything wrong with being this way. But, without further clarification of what you are actually doing when you are expressing with these other people I couldn’t tell you particularly what might be the problem. These are just general issues of INFJs. And I am giving general advice for INFJs based on their typical issues, concerns, and problems. Any given person of the INFJ type may have particular issues that need to be addressed that fall outside the general parameters of their type. I do offer services in this regard to explore more in depth this very sort of thing. But, if you are just looking for general advice (which is very important because without the general background, the particular aspects seem rather isolated, random, and meaningless) I have said that INFJs need to engage their auxiliary extraverted feeling. That is always what I say to INFJs because many of their general problems can be magically cured if they would simply turn on this function and turn it on a lot.
Other people may not like it or be confused by it, though I think the former is less likely than the latter, but in a general blanket sense of this issue, what are you going to do, you can’t please everybody. And if you are worried too much about what other people think, you should work on that issue, because INFJs may need to express things that aren’t within cultural norms. And they should be allowed to.
So, I said expressing towards or focusing on other people and their problems is one way INFJs can find out who they are in some kind of outward directed and non-static type action. But, if you are having problems finding other people to express towards or with, then, my other recommendation for INFJs is one that is completely within your control. It is called artistic expression. INFJ is the artist type. So, they just need to be artists often to be sane. Because INFJ must find some way to express all the wonderful, difficult, and multivariate things that they feel. It is just that simple. They have to do this. INFJ has to express itself. This may be the best advice for any INFJ type that is having any sort of problem. Whatever that problem is, they MUST BE ABLE TO EXPRESS it somehow and get it out of themselves and into the world, or the nearest facsimile thereof.
Often the thing that INFJ needs to express is just that, the world. INFJs can be inundated with everything from everywhere all at once. They want to make sense of it. They want to explore the meaning of all that. They want to absorb the world and reflect it back through their being back out into the world. The word for this activity of the INFJ is “artist.” Every INFJ, in one way or another is a natural-born artist. So, make some art. And don’t worry about whether the art is good or bad or any other label. The only criteria that extraverted feeling has is that it feel good to do it and one is the state of flow, which means that while making this art, one does not stop to think or ponder over the meaning of it midflow. No, that is what INFJs were doing in the first place that got them into the whole mess. INFJ needs to learn to just GO! AND FLOW AND BE WILLING NOT TO KNOW. Just this process is precisely what will heal them. Not the outcome of this process, but the experience of flowing without worrying about end results which could be things like: upset and confused friends, fucked up and shitty art that you hate with a passion, and messiness instead of precision and perfect control.
Extraverted feeling can be very messy and all over the place. This is in contrast to introverted thinking, where many INFJs are bypassing this messy auxiliary function to go for the pristine crystalline perfection from the get-go. This wont work for them and I have said this what feels like a million times to various INFJs who have written me and in my articles on INFJs.
Well, hope that helps. If it did, please consider making a donation as it takes time for me to give advice to people where I could be doing other things that require my attention.
Enjoyed the original article, a couple of real original ideas there for me, so thank you v much.
But haven’t enjoyed the profanities in article and generally, its unnecessary and unpleasant and seems ‘goading’ somehow. And people have taken your lead and continued at times in that vein.
Apart from that have also really enjoyed some of the comments; very powerful; thank you also.
Your welcome.
INFJs remind me of the Phoenix. It is a very rare and exceptional individual that can withstand the burn. So if your make up is not of a strong enough ilk then you will be devoured.
In other words;unless you are The Wolverine Don’t expect to survive dating Jean. She is a mutant outside of your level.
Yeah, something like that. The only thing I would add is that INFJs are just as much subject to their own nature as others are. And often more so. So, they are a threat to themselves as well. INFJs are out of their own league if you take my meaning.
I would slightly disagree , in that from my observations the INFJ is not truly subject to their own nature. Rather the INFJ is a force of nature unto herself. The great struggle of the INFJ is realizing what their true nature is (rather than using Fe to pretend to be whoever you need them to be) and accepting themselves as they are, devouring force of nature or passive sweet angels.
If it didn’t work out for you with an INFJ it was because you were not strong enough. There are others out there who are strong enough. When two people, both great in mind and spirit, come together there is a rare compatibility which I am not articulate enough to describe. (You had to be there)
That didn’t sound like a slight disagreement. However, what I said is what I maintain – INFJ is just as much subject to their own nature as any other given person. INFJ can be devoured by their own nature. At the mercy of their own nature. Subject to it. They are not ENTJs, for example. They cannot murder and slay with impunity, which many sound like not what you were saying. But, I think it kind of rather is. So, I’m just being honest about it. Dig?
What I am saying is INFJs should not despair. INFJs are a different class of persons. They are wild and fierce and need to embrace their dark side rather than smother it.
Once INFJs encounter a potential mate they are there to make either love or war. If the INFJ engages, and encounters an equal, the pair will remain mates for life propelling each other to success in all areas of life.
After reading this article it sounded to me as if the author had a negative experience with an INFJ and had never seen a successful INFJ relationship. If the author had been something more an eclipsing, enriching relationship would have ensued. Instead it seems this person tried to bring the INFJ to their own level.
OK, I am the author of this article so you can stop referring to me in the third person. I have never had a long-term romantic relationship with an INFJ and even if I had I don’t consider this article as negative towards an INFJ. It just is what I see in many INFJs and that is why I wrote it. Believe it or not, I actually like INFJs. You may notice this from the amount of material I have dedicated to them on this site. However, I am not just going to write about INFJs from the conventional perspective of maintaining that they are untouchably perfect angels from heaven. This is a distortion of who they are and makes light of the very real struggles many INFJs do have. If you don’t like my point-of-view on INFJs you can always go to some other ass-kissing site and feed your ego.
Yes, poor me, if only I was enough to handle those untouchable INFJs who broke my heart. O, how I how have to institute some payback on their ass.
I think you have been reading too many comic books. I’m actually talking about reality. Not to knock Wolverine or anything because I do like him. But, I never seen the like of him outside a comic book. So…earth to INFJ…we are not living in a comic book world.
So, don’t kid yourself. You sound quite young to me and what you are talking about it more at the level of abstraction and fantasy. I don’t think you have ever experienced what you are talking about.
The words we write and speak show where our minds and hearts are. You obviously put your energy and thought into this article. So after reading your article it truly does sound as if you had been hurt by an INFJ, and if you listen to your readers you will see that others noticed this as well ( but if you say it is not so, I will assume this is true)
I am an ENTP. I met my INFJ and married her. I experience every day what I described in my previous comments. As for me being young and inexperienced I am neither. I am in my early thirties and am responsible for 80 or so employees. I work every day to ensure the success of my bussiness so that the people who are counting on me, can provide for the ones who are counting on them. So when it comes to hiring practices, business policy and the overall success of a company MBTI gives one a great advantage. This is why I study MBTI.
I am giving you an alternative point of view. A view of the INFJ in a successful relationship. If you are looking for facts and truth then this shouldn’t bother you. However, clearly the idea that an INFJ can be naturally compatible with a person with certain strengths seems to offend you.
I found your article insightful in that it gave me the point of view of a person who had been touched by an INFJ and yet not compatible.
I am giving you the point of view of just the opposite. . . You’re welcome.
P.S. I was not aware you were the author, but it explains a lot.
I think it would behoove you to read around my site and see what I have to say in toto about INFJs.
And I do appreciate your point-of-view. I just don’t agree with you and the assumptions you are making.
Also, I see that I have been mistaken in the assumption I made regarding your age and lack of experience in this matter. So, I apologize for that. It is just that your comic book analogy seemed a bit naive.
Also, I perceive you as saying you have a slight disagreement when it seems that you just disagree with the entire premise of what I’ m saying.
I think we just disagree.
And if you are basing your reasoning entirely off your partner’s behavior and your relationship with them, that is slightly biased, at the very least, and also insufficient as a grounds for applying to most INFJs.
Also, I have said in other places on this website that I consider ENTP to be the most ideal partner for an INFJ and that they bring out the best and highest sides of each other. So, that may be what you are talking about when you say if the INFJ meets someone that can match them. I agree that ENTP is most able to do this with an INFJ. They are the type that nullifies many of the difficulties that INFJS have that I was alluding to in this article arising out of their Fi id. Since ENTPS are one of the two types that is most oblivious to Fi, this rescues the INFJ in some way. It uplifts and frees them.
So, cool! I am happy for you. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I’m an INFJ and I don’t comment on many articles at all… especially ones about INFJ stuff because a lot of it can be a lot of self pretentious scribblings I don’t jive with, but this article was pretty solid and I enjoyed it. You hit the nail on the head with many characteristics I display.
good job!
Well, thanks!
By far the best description of infjs . I will write my comments by using computers perhaps
Yes, that is one way to go. And you are right – you will probaly need multiple computers to write comments on this site. I’d say about three sounds good. Make sure they have multi-threaded CPUs.
LMAO!!! Perfect retort.
In the past I thought that I was an INTJ and numerous tests provided this result to me too. However, I do not consider myself as a person who is really cold. Instead, I really care what others think and others’ feelings. But, occasionally I do prohibit traits of an INTJ as I think the environment has a great impact on who I have to be. Maybe the numerous faces of a person also attributes to an INFJ. I am also really complicated. I do not like scientific fictions but I like to write literature to express myself. I am also considered as talented by some authorities. However, I was extremely good at Mathematics. It also explained why I thought I was an INTJ. I thought I was fickle as I was quite curious. I tried to force myself to change but now I realize that I have to accept who I am. However, I would suggest that I am both an INFJ and INTJ at the same time. Being an INTJ, I can be loyal to my family or spouse. Therefore, as long as I can live as an INTJ, I think I can have satisfactory long term relationship. I don’t know. BTW I guess the author of the article is an ENTJ, with a mixed of slight INTJ. When I read this article, I feel like the author was dumped or hurt tremendously by an INFJ. But the article was fun. Either the author was hurt or he was playful.
Um, an INFJ can be really good at math, so out with the theory about being an INTJ. I mean, sure we can be all sorts of different types in a sense, but, really I see people as being of one type though yeah, there are some INFJs who are very close to INTJs, which essentially means that they are particularly smart and cutting INFJs but, nonetheless, they are still INFJs. This comes down to function placements and an INFJ is someone that has Ni dominance, Fe auxiliary, Ti tertiary, Se inferior, Fi id, Te superego and so on. The last two function placements are my coinage, but the basic point is that any type can express any of the functions and be strong in functions that their type is not strong at. So, if an INFJ had particurly strong Te, they would tend to express it in a characteristic INFJ fashion, which means, in their case, as a superego placement. This would be a particularly critical and cutting use of Te, such that some INFJs can be even more cutting than INTJs who have Te in a more relaxed and easy position (auxiliary). However, the INFJ would also have much more of a problem with the lack of efficiency of this function and they would encounter more conflicts with the outer environment in its use than an INTJ would.
As for your hypothesis that I was hurt or dumped by an INFJ and am therefore writing this article as a retaliation against the particular person that supposedly did this to me…
well, it’s wrong.
If you think what I have to say about INFJ is scathing, then read what I wrote about ISTJs. See the comparative treatments? Feel the difference?
And I definitely never had a long-term romantic relationship with an ISTJ. Though, maybe I’ll have to try that some time.
I am an INFJ and I happen to really appreciate this article. I chewed on whether or not to show it to my INTJ hubby (tomorrow we celebrate our 13th marriage anniversary) for a while. Finally, I let him read it. He poured over it thoughtfully and then came in and said,
“I already knew all of this about you. Had you been afraid that any of it would make me stop loving you?”
To this, I replied by gifting him one of those magic kisses that makes their legs fall out from underneath them.
But, deep down, isn’t this what we INFJs want? Someone who embraces our light AND our dark? Someone who can appreciate that our dark informs our light, making it that much more brilliant – that, without both, the gifts we have to give the world would be stunted?
I am thankful for the understanding that went into this article. And never once did I question the writer’s genuine respect and admiration for our type.
I’ve never felt so exposed in my entire life! It’s terryifing (but in a good way 😉 ).
You also might have single-handedly broken my writer’s block with this paragraph:
” Every INFJ, in one way or another is a natural-born artist. So, make some art. And don’t worry about whether the art is good or bad or any other label. The only criteria that extraverted feeling has is that it feel good to do it and one is the state of flow, which means that while making this art, one does not stop to think or ponder over the meaning of it midflow. No, that is what INFJs were doing in the first place that got them into the whole mess. INFJ needs to learn to just GO! AND FLOW AND BE WILLING NOT TO KNOW. Just this process is precisely what will heal them. Not the outcome of this process, but the experience of flowing without worrying about end results which could be things like: upset and confused friends, fucked up and shitty art that you hate with a passion, and messiness instead of precision and perfect control.”
While I knew that my perfectionsim was the culprit, having it put in MBTI terms made all the difference! You should consider making a seperate article on this topic (if you haven’t already) and the same goes for the comment about INFJs being half-wolf and half-angel.
Thank you for your work, it really helped me to get a better understanding of myself.
P.s.; I am really good with managing daily tasks like doing the dishes, though. But being able to concentrate on mundane activities and planning for them was a hard learned skill that sometimes seems to turn into something brodering obession especially under stress..any insights on that?
Mundane activities and planning them are two areas that INFJs often have an efficiency problem with, not to mention an interest problem as well. In sum that would be the Si/Te skill set.
I think there are times where the INFJ will get very focused on these areas because they may perceive it as something that they have “let go” for too long and then under stress, they will start focusing on how remiss they have been in taking care of these duties and then perhaps, drive themselves into a frenzy over it. However, it is not likely to be sustainable and so they often drift back into their normal mode of not caring too much about these things.
My advice for this would be not to worry about it too much. I think it doesn’t really work for the INFJ to get anal and compulsive about planning and chores to a great extent. They should have the simplest methods of organization possible. But, they shouldn’t get too trapped in overanalysis of this. I think INFJs often fare well with the concept known as “spontaneous order”. You can look that up on Wikipedia. Society in the West is very hung up on Te methods of organization and planning and taking care of business and so forth. But, INFJ’s are massively inefficient in this area. They should focus more on Fe organization methods, which is likely to have something to do with the concept of Feng-Shui and ordering things and objects in one’s environment to best suit the subject’s need for harmony and flow. To cut out as far as possible extraneous chores and busy work.
An INFJ is liable to be more inspired to do mundane activities in environments that are conducive to their well-being. INFJs need to be in environments that are harmonious and full of good chi, which is basically flow. In these type of environments they are much more likely to be inspired to keep up with the upkeep of them.
I will write more about INFJ perfectionism in the future. I think much of their perfectionism takes place in the context of their romantic and artistic strivings. But, it can express in other areas that they are less adept in. Yes, basically, INFJs have a perfectionistic tendency. I am of the opinion this comes from having a melancholic temperament in the particular sense (as opposed to the general sense), and this tendency causes a painstaking and exacting tendency towards accuracy, precision, and faithful rendering in whatever endeavor they deem to be worth pursuing.
The key for INFJ is to apply this particular tendency more towards the matters of their general domain (NF) and not get to anal about SJ type of matters. They have to get done, sure, but don’t waste too much time being obsessive and compulsive about them.
INFJs might get this way when they haven’t being paying attention to their more humanistic-artistic-romantic-bohemian needs. INFJs can mitigate stress reactions by turning on Fe as I have said and as you know. Going into Te-Si are two of the most painful areas for them. Try more some Fe-Ti-Ne in that order. Yes, back into the ENTP type starting at their tertiary. Make painting the fence fun. You know, like Tom Sawyer.
Have a laugh. Don’t get so strung out about order, precision, planning, aligning, scrubbing, and all that jazz. I don’t know. Hope that helps somewhat.
Blake,
First of all, I’m sorry if my English isn’t that sharp. I’m actually a brazilian INFJ who was searching a more accurate, deep and down-to-earth analysis on MBTI, and I’m glad I found this insightful site, so funny and well-built source of knowledge. But, what the fuck, I’m the master of finding good references and sources. I very much suspect you are an INFJ yourself, not that it would make difference anyway, ’cause your analysis is still the best I’ve ever read (though I love Jung’s dense and more sophisticated style in Psychological Types).
I’m the typical INFJ who got caught by Ni/Ti loop early in my teenage years, so that at age of 19 I pretty much digged the knowledge I had to dig in this life. Nowadays, I’m into Tantra philosophy (which I found to be the thickest spiritual worldview I crossed upon), polyamory ideal of love (though I never had a real experience in that sense so far — always the problem of experience, and it’s not easy to find a girl which gets it the way I see and propose it), arts (writing, dancing and acting), and getting a Law degree (which I have no idea what to do with, but you know, stability and material issues until my spiritual enlightenment sets me free). You can deduce from my background that I’m currently trying to face my Fe/Se fuckups, trying to keep a consistent practice of being in the absolute now, and well, facing extraversion after so much time kept in introversion is really a tricky issue for me right now, but I’m very grounded on what I found in these mental trips (and lots of drug use aswell, from which I’m 1-year clean and stable) and good books reading.
I admire you (and soon gonna contribute with the metallic shit) for your straightfoward approach, and I’m sure this site have the potential to help a lot of INFJs who didn’t get the real problem of their nature (which is, getting out of their worlds and glorious fantasies to actually do what they know they have to do). Or, what is likely to happen: knowing that acting is essencial for their growth, and still having lots of trouble engaging in real action.
I feel comfortable talking about my life and struggles here because I know that it’s one of the only places in the world that people could relate with the darkness and struggles of seeing way beyond the surface (and not just the heavenly and amazingly brightness) , digging into swamps of human condition (and I very much related with the hookers troubles, laughing a lot), engaging with real unhealthy people just to feel alive, or just because you don’t care enough to move away. Yes, it is amazing to be an INFJ, but just as amazing as being any other type (though Si-dominant would sound hell to my limited ego). The more vulnerable and weaker we are, the stronger we are.
Love to you, Blake. I’m waiting for more analysis on MBTI types (though I think you are so sweet in INFJs posts) and, of course, astrological analysis —don’t know much about that (just that crappy generalist stuff that you can read anywhere).
Thanks bro, I appreciate you sharing your experience here. Very articulate, insightful, and interesting. Love to you as well.
My results on mbti tests are always INFJ, but I really cannot recognize myself in any of this.
Well, you’re either not an INFJ or this information doesn’t apply to you. Read my INFJ vs. INFP article. Often, INFJs test as INFPs and INFPs test as INFJs. If you identify a lot more with one or the other type in my INFJ vs. INFP article, then there is a good chance you are that type. I would say if you are not identifying with any of the stuff in my INFJ description there is a good chance you aren’t an INFJ or you are an INFJ who is in denial.
If you want, respond back to this comment and tell me why you think you are an INFJ based on other stuff you may have read. What resonates with you in other INFJ descriptions?
I’ll be with the person I love to the ends of the world. I will make sacrifices and changes. I value happiness. I’ll accept his evil nature just as I wish he would accept mine.
That sounds very abstract and idealistic. Have you experienced any of these things you talk about in a real long-term relationship?
Blake , do you think that INFJs shouldn’t get involved in romantic relationship?
No, I think they should get involved in romantic relationships. Moreover, they will anyway. What I was saying here was that they should watch out for the tendency to want to save other people via romantic/sexual relationships. Or on the other hand, watch out for the tendency to want to be saved through this sort of thing.
If INFJs want to help other people, they should focus on doing it extensively vs. intensively. Or both. But, realize there may come a time when a romantic relationship has fulfilled its purpose and there is little reason to stay in it past that point. Especially with the INFJ tendency to simultaneously be utterly devoted to a person while at the same time being absent emotionally. It’s a bit of a paradox but nonetheless a pattern that many INFJs exhibit.
The answer lies in Fe auxiliary function. So, expanding networks, getting into many relationships, not just soul mate ones. INFJs can get mighty caught up in and preoccupied with a romantic/sexual relationship. What they often don’t realize is that they have already emotionally left the relationship even thought their sense of guilt and obligation keeps them tethered to it.
INFJs are capable of intensely deep relating but this is not usually scheduled to be sustained over long periods of time for their particular type. They should focus more on what it is they want to do in the world and use any of these relationship experiences that they have had as raw material for their careers that often focus on the human condition in some way.
INFJs are often solo people who yearn for deep contact with an exclusive other.
Fe auxiliary is the way to satisfy both beasts. Reason = extraversion. INFJs can get too caught up in themselves or in another exclusive and intensive relationship. Neither will work. They need to balance with extraversion. Take all the feelings, thoughts, and considerations they have and fling them out into the midnight air. Or whatever air suits them.
Getting too caught up in what their partners are or aren’t doing is a recipe for unhappiness for them. For anyone really, but especially these deep romantics who want and expect so much from a relationship.
Sounds like someone got dumped by an INFJ…
Yeah, I’ve heard that before. Come at me with something new.
No, I think he’s an INFJ.
I don’t know if I want to commit to that though; the style almost seems too facetious.
Hmmm… That’s what I was thinking too ;D
There are a lot of valid points, and the lack of deification is refreshing, the underlying bitterness in the tone isn’t very nice.
As for feeling chewed up and spat out by an INFJ, then yes, maybe we are guilty of doing this. However, you have to consider the reasons why.
Imagine going through life being able to inexplicably understand people and truly see them for what and who they are. Imagine being able to understand what is driving them even although they are blind to it themselves.
Imagine having a deep desire to connect and also be truly seen and understood but somehow most folk just see you as odd or weird and having no compunction in telling you so.
If you put these drivers together, what you will often get – especially when you are young – is getting into a friendship or relationship where the other person feels so special and centre of the universe because you Get Them. I mean, really Get Them.
For the other person, this is a truly liberating and heady experience, and they start to revel in it.
However, over time, the INFJ starts to notice something, this level of listening and understanding isn’t returned. Either because the other person hasn’t the same ability to understand you, or because they are so engrossed in being the recipient that they don’t want to even try to understand you.
And it’s this one sidedness that causes the INFJ to withdraw. And that’s when the lash back starts from the other person. And the final slap in the face for them is when they finally realise that they are not that special, because we can relate to everyone in this manner, not just them.
Now. That all sounds a fright, and it is. However, it’s all part of a very steep learning curve. As an INFJ, you soon start to learn who is worth your time and those who do truly love you may never fully understand you, however they will love and accept you for all your mad, wee quirks and oddness.
And as the person in the relationship/friendship, once you realise that ‘your’ INFJ can relate as deeply to you as they can to any other sentient being that they encounter and that you are not special as such, other than you are special because we have chosen to have that deep relationship with you.
I was thinking INFJ as well …
IE – thank you for the best advice ever, re:INFJ, when you said:
“Now. That all sounds a fright, and it is. However, it’s all part of a very steep learning curve. As an INFJ, you soon start to learn who is worth your time and those who do truly love you may never fully understand you, however they will love and accept you for all your mad, wee quirks and oddness.
And as the person in the relationship/friendship, once you realise that ‘your’ INFJ can relate as deeply to you as they can to any other sentient being that they encounter and that you are not special as such, other than you are special because we have chosen to have that deep relationship with you.”
i just found this site yesterday and i want to thank the author for actually managing to paint a more accurate portrayal of me and my kind. i’ve always hated the fact that people considered me to be some cute, fragile, ethereal, untouchable thing while completely glossing over the dark nature that drives me.
i the battle of light and dark forces that every human experiences should not be ignored just because it may make some feel uncomfortable. neither side is all consuming in any being. at least, i’d like to believe so. it just doesn’t seem very plausible or realistic.
i remember when i took my first mbti test. i scored infj and i remember being repulsed. i was still in high school and at the time i would’ve done anything to not have to open admit my vulnerabilities to anyone. i was taking a college level psychology class and we all had to, one by one, tell the class our scores. i was already considered strange and the last thing i wanted was for there to be another reason for people to other an alienate me.
it’s been about 8 years since then and after extensive trial and error and a great series of misadventures, i’ve managed to finally accept myself for who i am. ( not ) an INTJ haha. i was really attracted to the idea that i had been mistyped. running away from my Fi for the sake of Te was a safehold for me for a long time. needless to say, this didn’t last long or work nearly as well as i had hoped.
there are so many mbti sites that just give you cookie-cutter explanations about the INFJ and other types and i am really glad that someone has finally grown a pair and called a spade a spade.
i hope you keep writing these articles. the ego stroking circle jerk has to end somewhere.
Testify!
“i’ve always hated the fact that people considered me to be some cute, fragile, ethereal, untouchable thing while completely glossing over the dark nature that drives me.”
Same. I’m rather petite and regularly described as “cute” or “pretty” and people, especially men, treat me like you said– “fragile, ethereal, untouchable” and like the author’s “chameleon,” I can play that role really well if that’s what a person’s expecting. I think a lot about if people knew what went on inside my head beyond all the “fragile girl” mask: the self-doubt, the loneliness and isolation, the pressure I put on my self, and all the intense emotions, people would be scared and put off. I mean, I grew up with a lot of privilege, and people will ask me about myself and I’ll take about the places I’ve been to, or the languages I speak, or the education I got, and my plans for the future, and I’ll blow them away and they’ll come out thinking I’m confident and amazing. And I’ll say these things in a confident and excited tone and wear cute dresses and high heels but I know that the show I put on is not for the recognition of having done these things or making myself out to be better than others, but because I’m trying to convince myself of my own worthiness of being liked.
What scares me about being an INFJ is that we work so hard to show outer perfection in the way we live and dress and act, but we are also very aware of just how dark and terrible our thoughts can be. And it gets exhausting. I guess that’s why we’re so desperate for an understanding partner. I know that I can use what I garner about someone to say something kind to them, and, honestly, I’ve also intentionally used it to hurt people. I’ve never been the INFJ though that places too many demands on their partner, I’ve always dated men “below” me, as my mother would say, and there was one I had a real connection with, and gosh, he really grounded me, made me relax and feel good about myself and make me realize that there are people who can understand me. With him, unfortunately, substantial differences in income ended up being too much, even though I couldn’t care any less, so now I’m back on my own, keeping my dark side to myself.
*shrugs*
Maybe INFJ’s really are meant to be alone. Wouldn’t helping the world move towards the greater good be jump-started by not burdening others with all the darkness we ourselves cause or give to others? Kind of a pessimistic way to end my post but just as much love I have in me I also have a lot of bitterness. It’s tough to ask someone to deal with that, especially if you love them and can hurt them as much as an INFJ can.
Hi Blake!I have a question. I dint read through the past comments. Sorry if this question is repeated.
What happens when two female INFJs meet as friends? Is it particularly hard to continue the friendship if both are as devoted but as emotionally absent?
If both are devoted or emotionally absent as the other? Is that what you mean? Two female INFJs? Hmm. The first answer that comes to my head is, “yes” based on the information you have given me. I don’t know about the female part because females in general seem to have better ability to maintain relationships, regardless of types. I would say in general that INFJs have trouble maintaining relationships unless the other person really resonates with them. If that is the case, then, the opposite is probaly true. You may have heard that INFJs tend to have a few very close friends rather than wide networks of people they engage with.
I think two INFJs of either sex can be particularly close to each other. But, whether the relationship will last for a very long time, I couldn’t say. INFJs can be very close to someone for a period of time and then just unaccountably drift apart from them. Even without any malice or anything like that. Especially with two INFJs, either one of them can go into monk mode and the other INFJ will eventually stop knocking at their door. INFJs are very prone to go adrift, to be out to sea, so to speak. Loners on the sea of the collective unconscious. There is nothing wrong with them for being this way, but, it is the way they are. And just as suddenly they will wash back in and be happy as the daylights to see you again.
That being said, I’m not quite sure what you are asking. What are you really asking, you know?
What i meant is that:
You wrote this ‘ In short, they are tortured by whether and when they will find their soulmate and their opposing desire to be monks in one form or another.’ I interpreted that you meant sometimes INFJs can be so emotionally attached but also as emotionally detached at different period of times or even at the same time. So i’m wondering, if the INFJ friendship will last when they periodically take turn to go into monk mode.
That depends on the person at the other end of it.
I think you have answered my question in your previous reply! Thank you very much! Any idea what types are INFJs most compatible with then? In terms of Friendship compatibility. Any type that can take the irony of INFJ going into monk mode suddenly and when the INFJ comes back, they will still be around?
ENTP would be best bet. In theory.
Okay! Thank you very much!
And ENFPs (I would like to think) 😉
This is probably one of the most interesting and unique INFJ articles I’ve read in several years. That’s a feat when there’s already so much content out there.
As I wrote in response to another poster, I would take a bit of exception to the claim that INFJs are some of the most selfish and irresponsible types out there. While I don’t doubt that you have encountered those traits in INFJs, I don’t think the type lends itself to that more than others (unless we’re talking SFJs). What I have noticed is that *other people* pedestalize INFJs much more than INFJs do themselves. The level of disappointment that one experiences when someone does something bad generally depends upon what one expected of that person in the first place. If you assume an INFJ is a saint and discover they are a sinner, you will be much more disillusioned than if you simply assumed that they were a flawed human being in the first place. The level of disappointment is relative. I say this as one who has often felt the need to tell family and friends, “I never told you I was a saint.” That is the label that was placed upon me (and by people who know nothing of type theory). And I’ve seen myself be judged more harshly for less than other types are for more. While I do genuinely hope and strive to be good, I never claimed to be good, let alone perfect. People seem to struggle to distinguish between the ideal that a person strives to embody and the person who has not yet attained that embodiment. Perhaps because other types are not typically so idealistic in the first place, they see the idealism itself as the virtue (when it is not), and easily conflate the two. I think that INFJs with any ounce of maturity are much more aware of their own imperfections than one might think. The journals of Mother Teresa would be the most salient example of this.
I think you really teased out something important with respect to INFJs in longterm relationships. I don’t, however, think the INFJ is well suited for casual relationships. As you said about ENTJs, INFJs cannot act with impunity. Shown by the commenter engaged in a swinger lifestyle, but attempting to connect with his partners, the instinct to connect itself violates the nature of such an arrangement. INFJs can’t make things not personal, and I think would do better to figure out how to find a suitable lifelong mate or commit to singleness rather than attempt to bridge the two worlds. It is a dilemma, though, and one that I think about on a daily basis. I have thought that I would be the perfect wife of a doctor/banker/lawyer who works 100 hours per week, or someone in the military who is deployed frequently, or a consultant who travels most of the week and comes home one weekends. I even thought that maybe I’d be one of those women who marries a man with a terminal illness so I could at least tell people I was married once but am widowed, and then could live my life without the question, “Why are you single?” (Totally nuts, I know) So, I am drawn to the overarching security of marriage, but have reservations about the daily performance, especially over many years. And that’s what it seems like to me–being “on” all the time. I do have doubts about myself in that regard. I would love to meet someone with whom it didn’t feel like that.
“INFJs can’t make things not personal, and I think would do better to figure out how to find a suitable lifelong mate or commit to singleness rather than attempt to bridge the two worlds.”
I wasn’t suggesting that INFJs should engage in casual relationships because I agree that wouldn’t work due to them being “non-casual” people. There is no doubt that INFJs connect very deeply with people (assuming they connect at all), but, I think the whole focus on this perfect other, the soul mate, is something that gets in many INFJs way, especially women INFJs, because women are conditioned to believed that they need to find a man to call their own and have that status of being in a relationship.
Too much focus on relationships of a deep and committed character. I have seen this many, many times with INFJ women. They are so preoccupied with the man and their relationship (if they are in one) or they are spending a lot of energy in the future hope of the fantasy bond with some man.
What I tell them to do is stop putting all this energy into and giving away their power to these men. Also, most INFJs have a dream of some sort that has to do with them creating or expressing something of a vision they see in the world. That is what they should focus on. And simultaneously, while they are putting their energy towards that, they are much more likely to find a suitable mate because of the universal law of attraction. When you are feeling good about yourself and what you are doing, you will attract people towards you that resonate and support you in this. Pretty simple really.
Conversely, if you are spending a great deal of your time pining for some man and meanwhile giving away so much of your power to this real or imagined man, then, you are fucked either way (no pun intended).
An INFJ NEEDS to be whole and satisfied in their own right. The way for them to do this is through Fe auxiliary function, which entails mobilization and expression of their deep and pent-up emotions (which are no fucking joke) into the outer world.
If INFJs are trying to save people or be saved themselves by entering into romantic/sexual relationships with people they are acting in the wrong motive.
INFJs have VERY deep emotional needs, which they themselves often don’t understand consciously.
I am not saying that INFJs shouldn’t get in relationships. What I’m saying is that they need to focus on expressing themselves, putting themselves out there, creating their visions in the world, and not waiting for the soul mate to save them. I’m afraid that is a bunch of new-age bullshit that has fucked over more people than I care to think of. NF types are very predisposed to this particular vision of this perfect other. I will have to write more about this in the future.
You should write about that Blake 🙁 I think it would help a lot of women. I agree. Using Fe to spread love in a nonsexual/nonromantic way is so satisfying since people have so much love to give.
Blake, I agree with you and wish I had internalized those truths years ago. But I do especially agree with the fact that the INFJ vision *must* be actualized or en route to actualization for the INFJ to truly be content, whether partnered or not.
With respect to Fe, any thoughts on how types practice their non-auxiliary functions?
Hi Denise,
Not understanding your question. Can you please rephrase it?
My word we think alike.
I also need two homes.
as an ?ntp who has dated 2 infj’s, all i can say is.. Succubus! They entrap you with “heaven” as you say, and slowly unravel your soul into the burning abys of confusion. Its as though they eat bits and pieces of your soul and offer amazing sex in return. They are the most caring people i have met and have the most crippled ambition ive ever seen, and if used correctly, i agree. they can be unstoppable, but in my experience, that ambition floated around as they put all energy into mantising love and filling a cup in which i already filled. Repeatedly.
Anyway, nice article!
Could you elaborate on your experiences with dating INFJs? I’m made very curious by everything you said.
How do you break out of the prison you created for yourself?
Hi Cirrus,
It depends on how you constructed the prison. Tell me more about the nature of your prison.
I think what you write about relationships is all very true, especially for immature INFJs. In my younger years, I was in 3 intense relationships, in which all of my boyfriends worshipped me as if I was some sort of supernal being sent from Heaven. They worshipped me because I knew what they wanted and what they needed (thank you Ni), and I gave it to them. I was the angel, I was the whore, whatever was called for (thanks Fe). I gave them all their dreams in an embodiment of me. This wasn’t because of any sort of inherent evil on my part, or to play with them, it was simply the only way I knew how to show love at that stage of my development. It meant, hey, look, I really like you, but I’m so friggin private, I have absolutely no idea how to open up to you, and I am so scared of what you might find there once I open that door to my soul that you won’t love me anymore. It takes years for an INFJ to open up to a partner. Usually, by that point, the partner has fallen in love with the fake INFJ, the mask, or husk, as you call it, and it’s too late/he feels betrayed; or the INFJ has worn herself out by constantly giving in to the other’s needs and never getting her own met (her own fault, as she never communicates what those needs are), and just withdraws abruptly or manipulates the relationship to end.
Thankfully, in my case, I met a guy who could see beyond all my chameleon crap, and who wasn’t satisfied with the fake version I gave him, but who wanted to actually get to know ME. It took a person who has absolutely zero ego-defensiveness, and some sort of magical N connection (which is why I can’t seeing INFJs work with S types, like ever) to get me to let him in. Until this day, he is the only person who has ever seen my soul. And even with him, I hold back some things. Not because I don’t trust him, but because I am so complex that I can’t even understand, or trust, my own soul. Anyway, we’ve been married for 13 happy years (he is an INTP), have three children together, and he is my “soul mate,” intellectually and spiritually. I am pretty sure I couldn’t have done it with anybody less than him, though. It takes a soulmate to make us be able to commit to having our soul broken open.
Sorry, long comment. Thanks for your thoughts!
Amazing writing! This sums it all up: “Yes, the whole INFJ existence is bound up in hiding and concealing their true nature.”
Thank you so much for your article, this is a breathe of fresh air!!
It really nails what I’ve been experiencing as an INFJ, without consciously knowing it. Your suggestions about using the Fe is really good. Each time I’ve been volunteering I felt good about myself. Thanks!!
Your welcome. Glad you’re finding some useful suggestions. There will be more in the future.
This was exhilarating. I Love your perspective on how I feel most of the time. I’ve been in recovery the past 5 years after a 35 year marriage to a narcissist, when I left he financially invalidated my existence. And recovering from ptsd, it’s been a wild ride.
I realize now how selfish I was to use him as a shield so I didn’t have to BE ME. I realize that I trusted TOO much (I don’t comprehend how one person can trust, care or love “too” much).
Looking back I laugh when I think of how he must have hated me always being right, in the end he would try to criticize how “perfect” I was…I think I assume everyone is on this planet learning to be the best human they can be…I guess I’m wrong. Lately I think I’d just like to leave, there has to be another planet that understand me.
First of all, let me say that this was a very candid and insightful article to the INFJ type. As an INFJ myself, there are many truths I will admit and others not so much as I wouldn’t want to risk my secret, ulterior motives… haha.
But really, I won’t except to say I actually pity any poor fool that falls for me. That being said, I would like to respectfully make a request. I often see authors explain the connections and relationships within the MBTI in respect to members of the opposite sex, but never ones of the same sex. For example, as someone whom identifies as gay, it would be interesting to see what the dynamic would be between INFJ and INTJ males. Or even say INFJ and INTP females. The perspective, I believe could offer insight into the potential clash or compliment within the pairing; invaluable to lingering questions I have no doubts certain readers of yours may ask. In particular for Pride Month during June, you may indeed learn something more from the experience in writing it as I can’t imagine the notion has ventured to widely into publications short of something like Reddit.
Let me highlight that I am not looking for special treatment or to cause any disruption within the posts as I love the articles and opinion pieces which grant me unfettered knowledge into the realities of being an INFJ, but also an introvert. Thanks for all that you do and I wish you the best INFDay.
That was a cool post 🙂 but you said you pitied anyone who fell for you. My brother tests as an INFJ
He only goes for exclusive, serious relationships and rarely, if ever, sleeps around. He is a bit demanding and particular (because of his j qualities) but overall his girlfriends seem content with him.
The only downside is he kinda stays in a lot, but he’s def up for a good time.
It depends on the person, but overall, INFJs make interesting, loyal, and satisfying mates.
Why thank you, Tiffy Pop! ^_^ I appreciate it. However, I do stand by my statement that “I actually pity any poor fool that falls for me.”
While I could endeavor to make almost any relationship work, your brother and I share similar qualities by the way in which we set standards and establish morals. I can be excessively unrealistic in the traits I look for in a significant other because I like many INFJs, strive for the ideal, but I also have dated various types that some may have deemed impractical from the standpoint of an INFJ. I can honestly say I concur with the sentiment regarding your last statement, but with that interest, loyalty and satisfaction comes uncharted territory. As far as a relationship goes; if you want us, it’s best to have a map and compass because you will get lost.. haha.
I’ve only ever had three relationships of note outside of dating; one that lasted 6 months, one for 2 years and finally one that extended to five years. The longest one being with an ESTJ that for all intents and should have ended as quickly as it started (considering we couldn’t be more opposite), but alas. While I place a great deal of faith in the MBTI, you never know what new, spark of a personality may surprise you!
lol no offense but you kind of scare me and charm me at the same time. Not trying to hit on you, just being honest..
I read up on ESTJs and I can totally see why you dated her. They sound very attractive. I can’t imagine a female who would be so driven and desire power to that extent, but I can imagine that’s pretty hot.
Actually, I think my daddy is an ESTJ =0. That’s him exactly. You gotta love him though. I’m glad you told me about that!
yea, my bro is super picky too. But I LOVE his gf right now. I’m pretty sure she’s some extraverted type like ESFP or ENFP
I’m not surprised that your relationship with the ESTJ girl lasted that long. They are pretty decisive individuals who follow through. If she chose you, that means you were pretty special =) because they are pretty picky too.
This is interesting but difficult to read. I do have high ideals, I won’t stay without loyalty, true mental, emotional and sexual connection. I spent over a decade in an abusive marriage because I was stuck in the logic loop, as I realised I needed to trust my intuition I left my marriage.
I don’t jump in though, the days of broken partners are over. It does mean that recently nothing had lasted more than three months. I do want to find someone to grow old with but I also want mutuality and that’s not so easy to find when my ideals are so perfectionist. I claim I am accepting and I am in all other areas but being my lover takes a dedicated soul. In my heart I feel I’m not asking much considering it’s only what I naturally offer but looking around me I know it’s not a natural offering for many.
My last relationship ended because I knew there was not an equality of love, this sounds ridiculous when every element worked so well but I had to ask him not to contact me again. When I love, I love deeply and freely but this means I need everything to be given freely to me. I cannot bring myself to ask even though I would accept things not going my way. I’m working on this thing of asking but it never happens, I don’t believe the universe will provide. I believe if it isn’t freely and naturally given its not worth having, I can see that means always going without but it’s still true at my core.
I need my alone time but I also want strong loving arms to hold me, until I don’t. Way before I knew I had a personality type I had a long term relationship with a guy who called me ‘the lady of contradictions’. He was spot on.
Thank you for the post and also the responses to comments – a year ago I probably wouldn’t have been ready, but now it’s perfect. Truth hurts, but in the good kind of way, and it makes growth possible.
I feel like INFJs in the worst scenario can easily eat themselves (and others) alive. On the other hand they can let apparent contradictions coexist as something whole and create something that lives and breathes.
Half-angel half-wolf … my father once said to me that “putting a label on you is the first mistake one can make”.
The balance between being amongst people and being self-absorbed, between a sense of self and ungraspable INFJness.
“Love says ‘I am everything.’ Wisdom says ‘I am nothing.’ Between the two, my life flows.” – Nisargadatta Maharaj
I’m looking for a way to flow and to manifest. It’s too easy to vegetate with a furious mind. I think it’s what you mean by cultivating Fe.
Where to start? Haha, I hate no other question more than this one. But there is a way.
I know how utterly miserable I can be. But the INFJ-coin has two sides. In every respect.
Again, thank you! Your work is very much appreciated.
I’m going to be writing more about how INFJs can cultivate Fe for the purposes of manifesting what they want in their lives. It is very important for them to activate and mobilize this energy in their lives. So, stay tuned for that series of articles. And thanks for your comment.
Geez, looking back my comment seems pretty messy and all over the place – in my head it made a lot more sense. I guess I was very excited to find someone talking about INFJs in such an insightful, no-bs manner 🙂
Anyways, looking forward to those articles!
Thank you for the enlightening article, Blake. There were many unpleasant truths in there that caused me to rethink my position in life (but my ego did take a slight beating). Thanks also for your dedication in responding to the comments.
Your welcome, but, I’m not going to respond to this comment 🙂
Are there any theories related to the difference between male and female INFJs??
Yeah. Female INFJs enact the Fi id of INFJ and male INFJs want it to be enacted upon them. That means the males want to be locked inside a heart-shaped box and eat your cancer when it turns black and INFJ women want to be the ones that do that and have their cancer eaten. Etc. Hey, I should probaly right a retarded article about this. Don’t you think. Wouldn’t you like to know more abot INFJ women and how dark and depraved they are deep inside? O, desire.
Yes. Please write an article on this!!
I’m glad I found this site. Every so often when I’m bored I’ll type in “INFJ” into Google to see if I find something new. Like many people have said, the INFJ profiles seem to be just cut and paste onto every website… I wasn’t quite expecting this but at least it’s something I haven’t read before about INFJs and I’ve spent a decent amount of my afternoon rereading the article and the comments.
For the most part, I think this article does hit the nail on the head, though there were times the author did sound a little bit bitter. I do agree that I’m selfish, and my mom would completely back that up. I’m completely aware of the hermit/hopeless romantic dichotomy, and I hate it, but I know there’s nothing I can do about it. Really, I haven’t wanted to be in a relationship for about two years now, but I can be so desperately lonely, but I know that A) I date around enough that I could have a boyfriend if I wanted one, though he wouldn’t be on an equal “partner” status with me and B) I would totally hate that, so being alone is really the best bet I have right now, especially since that does allow me my freedom. I agree that maybe I (though not all INFJs) am maybe not meant to be in a relationship, but hopefully it will happen if I meet someone strong enough. I realize that I’m not an easy person to handle, even putting personality aside, I’ve already accomplished more than most men will ever do, and I’m only 22. Add in a strong personality, high aspirations, with a mix of that “I dare you to get to know me,” and I can see why it’s been a while since a real chance of a relationship has popped up. Even though I seem to get asked out be a new guy every week, none of them have the drive I have, or the interest in people and their motivations and fears that I do or any mental connection with me, so I walk away before anything ever happens.
Getting back on topic, after reading through the comments, it’s been refreshing to read something negative about INFJs. It made me feel a little bit more comfortable with the type. Reading those articles make it seem like there’s a lot to live up to. I already put enough pressure on myself, I don’t need a personality type profile to add on to that stress.
Blake, I wish you could add a “like” button onto the comments. I love so many of the things that others say on here. When I read them I automatically look for the “like” button. Maybe I spend too much time on Facebook. Lol. Help me I’m sick!!
Wonderful post.
So enlightening. Thanks!
Lauren
You left me speechless.. You sound so jaded. Irregardless what you described sounds like a teenage girl who mistyped purposely to feel special. Any INFJ who acts so immature and selfish is probably not a true INFJ. That or shes 13.
What is a true INFJ?
On a positive note I enjoyed your introverted thinking bit. It was tragically beautiful..
Blake,
I have one question for you. I’m an INFJ and I’m part of a group where people keep saying that INFJs hate liars. I think this is more INFPish. INFPs are Te users. I think that Te is a function that can drive you to hate lies. Because it’s all about being open. To think openly.
I’m with an ENTJ and he hates me when I lie.
Guess what? I lie a lot. Especially to him. Guess why again? Because he overreacts to mistakes. And I don’t like it. I hate conflict. I rationalized it, I know that his Te-style is something that he can’t control and I shouldn’t take it personally.
But I’m going off-track.
What I want to ask is… Is it true that INFJs usually wouldn’t hate lies? I mean. Fe is the reason. If you have Fe, you can understand why someone would lie and you’d do it to, if needs be. It has to do with pleasing others.
And I also think that INFJs can be great liars. As long as I convince myself that it happened and that I felt it, it works.
What’s your take on this?
Ally B.
I think INFJs can lie their asses off. However, generally, I think they don’t lie to themselves. That is the distinction I would make. ISFJs will lie to themselves and others. ISTJs will lie to themselves but not to others, or at least they think they aren’t lying to others, but that wouldn’t really be possible since they have lied to themselves. I don’t think Te is the most honest function. Te will fuck with language to make things sound different than they actually were such as when there is the loss of life in a war, Te would call that “collateral damage”. Of course, I’m being a bit facetious about all of this, but, there is some general truth in it.
This also gets into the whole thing about “What is truth?” There is cash register honesty (ISTJs have this) and then there is spiritual honesty. Like for example, an ENTJ may lie to you about some money they stole out of the till, but, they won’t lie to you about the true nature of reality, even though it may be harsh. But, then in order for a type to tell you a spiritual truth, they would have to have spiritual insight. I think people often appear to lie to some other people when the reality is that they just have no conception of a particular branch of reality. The truth is most people lie in one way or another. Even the so-called types that are intolerant of liars are also themselves liars (or blind) to some branch of reality. Maybe a better question is “what lies does a certain type find acceptable?”
I think INFJs are generally OK with soft lies to other people if it doesn’t hurt anyone. Like if someone is just being a pest, they might just go ahead and lie to them to get them off their back. However, if it is something that is a deep value to them, they would experience a lot of anguish and turmoil from lying about it.
One way of defining art is that it involves the act of telling the truth by lying. I think INFJs are fairly close to this definition.
Some people are so close to truth that they would still be telling it even if they were lying. And maybe the truth is better dispensed as lies after all. Gather round all you clowns and let me hear you say “hey, you have to hide your love away.”
How do we know what is lies or truth? Beyond cash register honesty, it can be hard to tell.
I’m a INFJ guy. This is so accurate for me.
“Because of their chameleon quality, they will embody whatever their delicate gyroscope tells them to embody at any given time. INFJs have a tendency to balance out interactions such that if the person they are talking to is too active, they will take a passive role. If the person they are talking to is too passive, they will take the active role”
yes, totally. It’s about making the other person feel comfortable. That’s a great exemple of Fe.
“They cannot bear distorted meanings, which is why their works are often concealed from profane eyes and ears.”
I compose music. I have never shared my songs. They will never be good enough. And I couldn’t take the critics. But I hope I could get over that problem someday.
“INFJs are in high demand and yet they are often ignored by those that demand them so much.”
Really? who? how?
“They know they are rare and they know they have very unique things to offer. The thing is they cannot often find a reason or a motivation for offering them.”
“Now it is they who are in for a rare suffering. INFJs are right about 95% of the time when it comes to what other people are thinking, feeling, and likely to do in the future. So, yeah, you might want to listen to them in this regard.”
People dont like it when i share my insights. It’s annoying to them. It’s because i always go to the root of the problematic, and it is often not fixable at that level. That is me being idealistic and naive.
“NFJs are extremely self-centered, though no one around them may have any idea of this, unless they get into some kind of long-term relationship with them. INFJs present as if they were the most sensitive and understanding creatures on god’s green earth, nodding in sympathy with you, making it all about you. You might feel upon meeting one of these melancholic creatures that you have never been so understood and soothed as you were upon talking to them. They make it all about you. They want to know everything about you. They seem so promising as people. “Who is this angel from heaven?”, you might be thinking.”
I am currently in a relationship with an ESTJ woman. She doesn’t need to be understood. She doesn’t understand me at all, but she respects me being unconventional. As for my insights, she has learned to listen to them. I admire the way she lives her life without much questioning, how she is a total doer. finishing a task and starting another one. I wish i could be that way…just a little
“Now, if you want to have a fling with them, then they are like heaven’s little children in this regard. They make great lovers in relationships which last around 3-6 months. O, you will have so much fun with them if you keep it brief.”
I had my share of those. Actually i love women and flirting. And i love a challenge. So beware ESTJ ladies. I like to mess with your mind. And right at the beginning of a relationship, they know it won’t last. I make it clear that in the long run they will hate me.
“But, there is likely to come a day where all that changes and the INFJ has departed in spirit, and left you with a well-meaning husk of themselves.”
Yes again…it caused me some trouble.
I don’t see why people are feeling attacked, annoyed or touchy about your article. It is brilliant, and i wonder how you came up with it…By observing?
Bwahahahahaha! I thought this article was hilarious! I found myself giggling and chuckling all the way through because you did away with all the BS about how “an INFJ’s real problem is that they care tooooo much about others” or “they need genuine relationships to feel truly connected” and just told it like it is.
I hate to be one of those people who’s all like “omg. u jus discribd meh entire life 4 realzzzz duud” but this was pretty darn accurate. Especially about the part where INFJ’s seem like really caring, sympathetic people but are actually very self-centered. I would consider myself very caring and empathetic, but the amount of time and energy I devote to being paranoid about how others perceive me in itself is a true sign that I’m super super super self-centered in many aspects of life. On top of that, I’m a self-proclaimed attention-whore who plays off as the weird loner who just wants to sit in his room, read books, and write stories about my imaginary friends and my imaginary worlds (granted I do spent A LOT of time reading and writing).
Kudos to you, my friend.
To the realest INFJ article I’ve ever read.
Although I hope for my sake, the relationship part isn’t true. I’m guilty of doing the ‘switching back and forth between hermit and lover’ thing which is probably why a previous relationship didn’t work out, but I’m trying to change that about myself. Then again, I’ve never had a ‘real’ or ‘official’ relationship beyond ‘friends who have a somewhat-stronger-than-friendship’ relationship, so I don’t really know.
Guess only time will tell! @__@
Hi Blake
I appreciate your article. There were so many things in there which I really thought was helpful to know. Thank you!
I felt it was a bit harsh to say that we are the most selfish people out there….It’s true that I can be extremely self-centered at times…but it is something that I am constantly aware of…and always working against my ego…I also feel that this self-centered approach can be found in all other types not only in INFJ…If we were incredibly selfish than we wouldn’t be constantly thinking of doing some good for humanity as a whole…or even working behind the scenes to do good…since ego would want to be in the forefront to gain credit for oneself…it’s true that in everyday conversation we may lack interest in it….maybe because we are introverts and plus like to discuss ideas rather than the little things in life…maybe I can say that we can be a little selfish in that area of life….but I feel there are other factors working there rather than only the idea that we are self centred…
Thanks mate…
AS
The central focus of the INFJ type is the question of who they are. This focus tends to make them very self-involved, self-focused, and consistently returning to the truth of who they are as a matter of habit.
All types can be self-centered in an insistence on their primary way of looking at things (dominant function), but, an INFJ is almost exclusively like this via the nature of introverted intuition as a dominant function. The dominant function indicates “the ego” or “the self” and introverted intuition in this position indicates a great penetration and inordinate focus on the truth of this self.
Due to the nature of the auxiliary Fe, which is often used by INFJs as a way to conceal their true nature (Ni, but also Fi in the id), they often come off as very other-involved and focused, which they are when they venture outside of themselves, but this appearance is often just that – an appearance. The auxiliary is a “show function” often being used to present a particular impression consciously and under the control of the self. INFJs often present themselves in this way when they want to make the best impression on people possible. There is nothing bad or evil about this. It is the primary gift of this type to be able to present themselves in any color of the rainbow that seems desirable at any given point. They often use Fe to protect their true nature by throwing people off their scent too.
So, the nature of this article addresses this discrepancy between the way INFJs often present themselves and the way they really are.
In this article I also address the implications that this has for INFJs in longer-term relationships. They often seem like the perfect partner because of the Fe thing. They have the gift of adjusting themselves to any given person to present as the perfect complement to the other (if they so desire). But, Fe has nothing to do with intensive and deeply bonded relationships. So, going forward into a relationship with any particular person what generally happens? You begin to show that person your true self. And like I said, the INFJ true self is very self-centered. This is not good or bad, it just is. Ni has NOTHING to do with relating to another person.
There is also the Fi id of INFJs that I have talked about in other places on this site that would be fair to say comprises some other portion of the true self of the INFJ. However, due to the nature of the id function and having introverted feeling there, INFJs are too susceptible to deep relationships. They feel too much. They can get too into another person, too vulnerable to this beloved person, whoever they may be. This causes problems of a completely different nature. In this article, this is where I talk about wanting to save another person by getting into a deep and exclusive romantic/sexual relationship with them. Basically, an INFJ will be lucky if they can save themselves once they get into the nature of this dynamic. This function of Fi id is partly what they are protecting with their Fe auxiliary too. They are very susceptible and out-of-control once they engage this function of Fi id. And how is the Fi id of INFJs mainly brought into engagement? By engaging in an exclusive romantic/sexual/soulmate type relationship with some one other person that they make the focus of their entire life. INFJs can’t help doing this. As a matter of fact, the only way they can help themselves is by engaging their auxiliary Fe. This is the part of the article where I talk about what INFJs can do to help others (and themselves) in lieu of taking other down into their magnet tar pit trap where they can neither help another nor help themselves. This is not so much selfish when an INFJ does this. They are acting in what they think are good motives, though there is a selfish component to it in that they are trying to satisfy their own desires and hungers for deep relating (again, not good or bad), its just that they are ill-equipped to handle the inevitable results of such an interaction, especially over long periods of time. It’s not that they won’t get into these types of relationships but just that when they do there is a predictable pattern to them. That is what all this type theory stuff is about – patterns and probabilities of behavior. What is likely to happen when an INFJ gets into a long-term, intensive relationship? Or not even, what is likely to happen, but, more, what is likely to be the way an INFJ will experience this type of relationship, regardless of what action they take in response to it? INFJs will often stay in these relationships for numerous reasons, one of which is that they have trouble taking action and they don’t like to hurt other people. So, in this way they are selfless I suppose, but, in this case, it is not in their best interests to be so. And they usually end up damaging the other person by not leaving them.
INFJs can be very selfless when they engage their Fe auxiliary function. And this is the part of the article where I say they can be god’s gift to a suffering and impoverished humanity. This is true, but, notice that it involves a more extensive use of their feeling gift and not an intensive one that is focused on the one exclusive other. Yes, there is generally a trade-off here. The more the INFJs uses their feeling extensively, the less time and energy they will have to use it intensively.
Fe heals the general self-centeredness coming from too much introversion in about three different colors for the INFJ: Ni, Fi, and Ti. All introversion is rather selfish.
Anyway, I hope that clears up what I was saying about INFJs and their self-centered tendencies. Don’t take it so fucking seriously either. Another INFJ downfall is when they begin to take things too seriously. They take themselves too seriously. They take the world too seriously. It doesn’t help them. They need to move towards the cosmic laughter and indifference of the ENTP type. That is their highest integration. People talk to me about how this article portrays an immature INFJ type. Well, INFJs are most mature when they learn to not be so fucking mature. This is when they offer their best and most healthiest contributions.
This whole talk of how this article is written about some 13-year old girl INFJ who is obviously immature in her relationship handling abilities is bullshit. INFJs simply are not going to be very swift in long-term intensive relationships because this activates the Fi id function of INFJs which is them in their lowest state of integration (path of disintegration). INFJs are simply not well-suited to handle intensive long term relationships. Not because they are bad or unhealthy but because of the way their temperament works. They are actually at their best and most mature when they leave all that shit behind, which means not focusing so much on the other, waiting for the perfect other etc.
“They are actually at their best and most mature when they leave all that shit behind, which means not focusing so much on the other, waiting for the perfect other etc.”
How does an INFJ leave all this shit behind and get on the path to a successful long term relationship? As an INFJ man am I doomed to never be content with a long term relationship?
Read around more or consult with me. I don’t have time to keep answering the same comment over and over again.
“This function also helps INFJs put on the array of masks that will help them disguise their true motive, which is to devour the beloved. ”
God, wonderfully observed. Hadn’t been honest with myself about this, but so true, and important to know.
Love your writing, which has a deliciously incisive violence of its own 🙂
Also this, very funny: “Have many relationships that are not soulmate ones. Network. Come out of hiding. Stop waiting for the soulmate that you will trap and take into your secret lair.”
Hi Pauline!!
These are the quotes is that completely sold me on this website. His viscerally acerbic, yet compassionate observations on INFJ. I literally died laughing. I was just relieved I wasn’t in public, because I lost my mind! Haha!
So true and so perfect. :), <3, feels.
The more I read about INFJs, the more I feel distant from it. Well, everywhere else on the internet. People who write about INFJs, people who claim to be INFJs… They all feel so foreign to me. So either they are not or I am not. Then again, what is an INFJ? In my humble opinion, they’re simple idealists who blindly follow their observations. Most people tend to make them out to be some sort of rare and complex creature. INFJs are interesting and rare, but not complex. Contradicting, but not complex. To reduce people to an abstraction is rather singular and narrow minded. Then again maybe I’m just not an INFJ.
Though, what I find hilarious is the association between rarity and value. In no way am I saying INFJs don’t have value, they do. Except, their value should not be based solely rarity. For example, a rare case of a deadly disease is still rare, but nobody wants it. Which is the humor in how people often claim to be an INFJ. Myself, included. Really, we should all strive to be ENTPs. They’re the one having fun.
Well, I’ve rambled enough, but this article seems to be a place for INFJs to come and explode. So I don’t feel too bad.
I do however, want to thank you Blake. For writing an interesting observation. I’ve donated to you before, and I’ll definitely continue to support you. I might even hit you up for a one on one chat. Maybe then you confirm my delusions.
On a happier note, I miss Luka. Luka always wrote intriguing comments.
Hello, X 🙂
I’ve always, too, felt confounded by the association between “rarity” and”value.” I personally have felt relief upon discovering indiscriminate descriptions of INFJ, ones that neglect the silly romantic ideal of the type. What is fun about being so bereft of outward associations due to being so uncommon, while having such a weak concept of sensory cognitive functions that one can harness so that countering this weakness becomes more bearable, all the while being such an inherently self-critical organism in the first place?
My mother is an ISFJ. Now… THEY can critique you to Hell, back to Earth, love you to Heaven, then plummet you back to Hell. All through one conversation. Often, while making you dinner.
Si vs Ni… wow.
But yeah, I agree… INFJ isn’t exactly a prize. Hope to see you around. And yes, I miss Luka, too.
I agree and disagree with you on points.
Online, I do find an overriding “Wow, I’m an INFJ. I’m so unique and special,” which can be annoying. Yet, I have compassion because it seems most of those people are young and perhaps have never met anyone or read anything that addressed who they are so accurately. They’ve finally found some validation after years or decades of being told what weird, odd, strange, abnormal, crazy people they are. I can understand how amazing that feels. I lived for 17 years thinking I was the only human who thought and felt as I did (that was 20 years ago). At that time, it was earth-shattering discovering that there were ANY other humans who identified.
I disagree with “they’re simple idealists who blindly follow their observations.” I don’t. Any mature person (including INFJ’s) doesn’t. However, one may come to trust their intuition when it has ended up being right 95% of the time. You also said that “to reduce people to an abstraction is rather singular and narrow minded.” I can’t fathom this. Realizing that, in thought and mind, people are more abstractions than concrete, that they’re full of layers and contradiction and a million shades of grey is expanding people, not reducing them. It’s only lead me to be able to see people with a richness and depth of which they may not even see themselves. As a professional counselor, this has helped me immensely!
White a pile of crap. The reason why one (or more?) INFJs left YOU, was because you are shallow, in a crust of pretence depth. INFJs can’t stand that.
You’ve got them all wrong.
Sorry!
Wow, thanks for changing my mind with your well-reasoned and thoughtful comment.
Hi!
Just wanted to tell you that I love your articles on INFJ! It made me laugh very hard to read some of the most twisted and complicated sides of me presented like that, and like your writing style a lot. It is good to find people who can see beyond the “angelic” side of this type. I don’t feel like a saint, and don’t want to be one. Even if the truth would be more like: I am sick of seeking moral perfection and very sick of moral in general. Amorality seems nice and much more sensible. Unlike others, I didn’t feel offended in the least by this article because every single word is true, and I don’t see why what you describe is “bad”, it is just the way INFJs work, with all its drawbacks.
It is interesting that I am not the only one to see a parallel with Pisces, too. Maybe it is the explanation as to why I can relate to them, even if I have nothing in this sign. I always assumed that it was because I have a lot of water in my birth chart (around 60% if I remember well), with the rather dreadful combination of Cancer in the Sun and Scorpio rising (with Pluto in Scorpio). Or probably, all of this (water signs, Pisces, INFJs) is related in a way.
Greetings from France! I consider donating one day, once I found out how to use Paypal properly.
Half of the sign of Pisces (what I refer to as “object-oriented Pisces” in this article) correlates to the auxiliary function of INFJ. Whether this sign is tenanted in the astrological chart, or not, every INFJ has this Pisces auxiliary. By definition (albeit, my definition).
Thanks for the French greeting. Here’s back at ya from the United States. Oy.
I think it could be that some of the misunderstanding here, or naysaying is due to age or experience. For myself, had I been presented with this article at 25, I might have been able to glimpse some similarities and truths here, yet might well have been quite perplexed, too. I was a lighter being then and oblivious. Okay, oblivious didn’t change much.
Whereas at 45, I do indeed embody the angelic demon described. Nothing here feels untrue and varies only in degree.
And it is as if you’ve many times been to tea with me and my introspections.
Yes, I think you’re absolutely right. Many of the INFJs that have a problem with what I wrote here are probaly on the younger and inexperienced side. Ironically, many of them have accused me of writing about young and inexperienced (read immature) INFJs in this article.
But, no, it is quite the other way around. I don’t see anything in this article as particularly negative except staying in the dynamic described. But, I assure you it is an INFJ-particular dynamic and it will happen like clockwork if an INFJ gets in long-term relationships. I’m really just describing the dynamics of the Fi id. I didn’t create this dynamic, I’m merely describing it the best I can.
I have given some of the answer to this dilemma, which is to engage the Fe auxiliary function, which is often latent or bypassed in many INFJs. I have a series of articles further describing this Fe solution.
I think it might be pertinent now to add that I’ve been married for 19 years and was together with him for a few years before making it official. This does not negate what has been said, only that some of us are maybe more inclined to wrangle with such a relationship. I am a woman and I wanted children more than anything, more than art. A second parent is important for children, and especially when one is in their version of monk mode. Not that I’ve been anywhere farther afield from them than in my head, present physically, available for needs, yet elsewhere also. And before people get all bent about making babies and not being 100% present to them at all times. Go try that out. We don’t know who we are in our twenties and when we start these things. Didn’t know my functions then. It would have helped, I’m sure. I am so glad for those of you that have figured some of this out younger.
I don’t understand how people are offended by this?
I’m an INFJ and I found this to be hilarious and true for the most part. I really like your writing style. I’m actually also surprised at your insight because I keep much of this hidden. What type are you? I have a feeling you don’t disclose your type, though. So if that’s the case, why don’t you want people to know?
I tend to teeter (say that ten times fast) between seeing MBTI as legit and seeing it as BS because many descriptions are so vague that anyone can fit them. This article is one of the few descriptions that I feel is true to me.
I secretly see myself as special and I think INFJs can be self-centered. Those flattering descriptions of us online just make this worse!
“they are tortured by whether and when they will find their soulmate and their opposing desire to be monks in one form or another.”
This part made me freak out because I thought you HAD to be reading my mind. I actually go back and forth between wanting to be a nun and wanting to find my soulmate.
So thanks for this, but really…how do you know us that well? It’s frightening
“I don’t understand how people are offended by this?”
INFJs (or people that think they are INFJs) are offended by this because they have been living in a bubble too long. They have been coddled and assuaged. That’s basically it. Americans in particular have a problem with this article. Same reason. People of more European sensibility are unlikely to be offended by this article.
Why I don’t disclose my type? For a number of reasons I suppose. One of them is that if you are well-versed enough in type theory and the application thereof, you can figure out my type. I don’t need to tell you. If I just go and tell you my type it is like telling you the answer to a math problem without you showing your work. It wouldn’t have much relevance to you. It just takes all the fun out of the proceeds. Besides, who am I to tell you what my type is? What would it provide you? Nope, if you wanna know my type you’re gonna have to do some work. You should be able to figure out my type for yourself.
How do I know INFJs so well? Either I am one or I have known many personally or am just highly observant of the type because of interest or particular sympathy with them. I will tell you that I find the INFJ type very interesting. I feel I have a particular insight into them and so have written about them much more than any other type. I also find a lot of the information on the internet about them to be misleading. So, I have something to say on the topic.
When I say INFJs are self-centered, I don’t mean it as a condemnation. INFJs like to hide this about themselves. But, I’m just saying what I see.
Why?
Why not?
Wow….bitter much? so some of your stuff is on point but for the most part I can say for sure your INFJ,/INFJS left you cause something ended up doing something to where they simply could not hang on to that final string of hope for your relationship. They are not at fault, (not saying you are) but reality is simply this. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE loves like an INFJ…. and thats best for the world. I doubt most people can handle that type of love, and that is when an INFJ would door slam. The thing about a INFJ door slam is they still love you. and they most likely went through all kinds of hell that you could not even think of to door slam you. INFJs never give up on you when they love you. They simply reach a point where they cant suffer any more. You are very critical and must have been very hurt. I feel for you, but still the things you drag out into the light dont really tell the true picture.
Yes, all those INFJs that left me. I’ll never forgive them. That is why I wrote this post to all INFJs telling them to forget about long-term relationships because I can’t be with the INFJs who left me. If I can’t have them, then, no one will.
Look, the fact is that this post isn’t that bitter. The people that are taking it that way are coddled, shielded Americans who can no longer handle anything unless it is written in the most sonorously inoffensive tones ever devised for these edgy bubble-dwellers.
The fact is that taking all this so seriously and so dramatically is a part of your problem in the first place.
You know, this article shouldn’t exist because it is offensive. It should be banned.
Or, you could just get a life and stop trying to control the consensus opinion on what an INFJ is or isn’t. There are a ton of bland and lifeless descriptions of what an INFJ supposedly is. I don’t like those INFJs. I like this one.
I’m not here to provide another consensus opinion of what an INFJ is. How many times do you INFJs have to read the same description about yourselves in different forms over and over again?
Who gives a fuck what I said? If you think it isn’t true, then move on. Not one of these hundreds of comments has done anything to change my mind.
You know why? Because they haven’t provided any solid and irrefutable evidence for why I am wrong. Want to know why that is? Because there is no ultimate authority on what an INFJ is or isn’t. In essence, there is no way to be proved wrong or right.
The only thing we can say that is true by definition about an INFJ is that they are a type that has an Ni dominant function and an Fe auxiliary. By definition, that is all we can say. The rest is conjecture and speculation. And majority and consensus opinions. Opinions, not facts. You can argue all day long about what an INFJ is or isn’t like. I think they are like the way I described them in this article, more or less, and in one particular interpretation of them. People can argue with me and say that they are an INFJ and x,y, and z statements don’t fit them. Great. But, that doesn’t prove anything. For every person that claims they are an INFJ that says that, there will be another person that claims that they are an INFJ that resonates with it, that sees themselves in that part of the description.
Point is that if you are getting that riled up about it, ask yourself why. Is that a reasonable response to have? Is the comment you’re about to write to defend your cherished notion of INFJ going to do anything to definitively clarify this whole saga. Or are you just going to childishly add your two cents because you can and it is easy. Like a hurt child that didn’t get their way. That is what a lot of you sound like.
Why don’t you learn to think instead of just spewing your immediate emotions forth like some hurt child.
It is such a stupid cop-out to say that I was hurt by an INFJ (or many), therefore, all of this can be disregarded and we can go back to our bubbles. Even if I was hurt by an INFJ, and was embittered by it, wouldn’t negate the potential truth of what I wrote. Ever heard of the bitter truth? Many of the bitterest people in this world of ours have brought forth some of the most essential truths of humankind.
It is irrelevant if I am bitter or not. What matters is whether there is truth in what I say. And there is. If you don’t want to grasp it, that’s your loss. Stop with this childish “she must have really hurt you” thing. First of all, it isn’t true. And second of all, it is so boring and childish. It doesn’t change the truth.
And have a nice bubble-dwelling day.
You are an INFJ. Only an INFJ can be so analytical, self-critical, and ONLY an INFJ can read someone to such complete filth so with such eloquence.
Love you. See you soon 🙂
For the sake of differential diagnosis–I was premed and all–I entertain ENFJ. I think of Oprah reading Tommy Hilfiger, or James Frye, the author of A Million Little Pieces. ENFJ can serve a reading rainbow, too.
You’re also very consistent, and deeply considerate. INFJ can’t always claim those attributes with particularity. Fi Id translates those qualities into implosion. Yet, there’s also just actually having worked on yourself. Ni/Fe as the driving forces are my conclusion, here. A couple more reviews of your work will seal the deal.
” Many of the bitterest people in this world of ours have brought forth some of the most essential truths of humankind. ”
Any “famous” examples ? I’m just mainly interested in what prominent people you might see as bitter ( the topic “bitter” interests me )
Or Bitter archetypes. Characters in stories. Curmudgeons.
*activates memory of characters*
I know you decided to not state your type but you are clearly an INTJ. I’m almost positive.
A lot of this seems accurate and resonates with me. For example making conversations all about the other person. INFJs do this because we are very private individuals and want to know more about the other person before we let them know more about ourselves.
However, I don’t think INFJs are incapable of being in a long term relationship but that they are on the quest for that perfect relationship/ complement. But of course no relationship is perfect which is what INFJs have to realize. They need to accept the perfect in imperfection. That there’s no possible way to know whether someone is your true soul mate after an initial meeting and that relationships are also about work, not just gut feeling. But once that hurdle is overcome, and INFJ discovers someone who they feel a deep connection to, they give 110% into the relationship. They go into the relationship with their whole being and that therein lies the INFJs strong suit. When they love, they love unconditionally and give themselves to their partner in a way that they have not given themselves to anyone else. Also, INFJs are probably the most forgiving of faults out of all the types. They forgive VERY easily, however, they do not forget.
INFJs can have self centered tendencies that I can relate to but I don’t think it is any more so than any particular type. INFJs are probably the most likely to come off as self centered or stuck-up because they internalize their feelings. Most people have no idea what is going on in a typical INFJs head because they choose it to be that way. They only let specific people see their true selves. They could be friends with someone for years and only choose specific portions of themselves to share with the world. They do this as a defense mechanism. By keeping their emotions internalized it allows very few people to hurt them. ( or so they think). Because they’re not actually hurting “them” since this other person does not know their true self. They do not feel fully understood. INFJs gravitate toward selflessness which is why INFJs are prone to being manipulated and taken advantage of by others. INFJs feel a deep rooted sense of guilt when conflict arises or when they are unable to help someone who expects it. I would say INFJs self centeredness comes from their quest to help everyone and to be on everyone’s good side so that when they over extend themselves, they start to feel bitter and close off from the world.
Well said. It’s just me. I have a best friend and during our 10 year friendship,I never fully show my true self. It’s because I’m being very cautious, just in case
Hello.
This is interesting. I think some parts are true and others are not. You know, there are dark INFJ people, too. Some great sociopaths were INFJ.
I think in a way it’s true that INFJ people like to paint themselves as better than they are, but then again some of us have those traits. There are times when I left a relationship/friendship ask a husk, but it was more of a placeholder. In that, if someone ever needed me… not the me from before, but actual help that only I could offer, I would swoop in and do that.
However, self absorbed is a funny word for an introvert. Being as we probably see the world thru the lens of self. What we create as self AND what we observe/absorb is are both go through a barrier. Since that’s where our ‘mind’ is located, we probably do care a lot about keeping that area clean. I would say I am self absorbed in that I need to have myself right before I can do anything else. Beyond that… I disagree.
I have often thought, what if I was having my greatest crisis and someone else was as well, what would I do? I think I would help them, but not as much as I would if I was feeling great. That bothers me, kind of, but it’s an impossible ideal.
It’s true that just being an INFJ isn’t going to make you into a good person. That’s bullshit. It’s a skillset, if anything. However, with life experience and growth, you can become as ‘angelic INFJ’ as possible.
Oh and yeah, can definitely see what people want and give it to them. And there are times when you know it’s not right and give it to them anyway to teach them a lesson. I’m trying to stop that.
Most of all, we are just really rigid. That is our greatest fault. Reality is not the ideal. It can be, though. It can be like a campfire you and one person sit beside. I think that’s why INFJ hates more than one-on-one interaction… less control and harder to keep the ideal. As a writer, though, or a musician or whatever, you can create the ideal and pass it out because it’s still a 1/1 thing.
This is by far the most insightful article I’ve ever read on INFJs (or me, at least). I’m so happy I stumbled across it. You should turn all of your insights into a book. They are really quite unique.
I agree, this is the most insightful article on INFJs I’m aware of too. I should turn my insights into a book. And perhaps one of these days I will.
Good 🙂
I read this article and I have to admit it was hard to swallow and I wanted to dismiss it immediately. And then comment and call you a education lacking moron. But the reason I hated it so much is because of its accuracy. I have absolutely no doubt of what type you are. No one could ever describe an INFJ in such depth if they were not one. However I do plan to get married one day whether you say it will work or not. I am bad about having unreasonably high expectations but I think that is something I can work one. However your article was insightful and well-written. Thank you from a fellow INFJ
Wow, is this person, Blake, the one who is self-centered or what? Can anyone else see this? Like, isn’t it blatantly obvious to any of you? Clearly there are some ulterior motives that this person is failing to bring to light, while presenting this article about INJF’s. Actually, rather than failing to bring them to light, Blake is purposely concealing those intentions. He or she is trying to legitimize the article by using several, somewhat effective structures and wording patterns, yet, does he or she truly believe that well-developed INFJ’s or other types wouldn’t be able to see that?
I would suggest a closer look at the article to anyone who has considered the points in it as valid. The author does a fairly good job of making him or herself sound knowledgeable and unbiased, and is doing so quite purposefully. I’m not sure what personality type Blake is, however, what I am sure of, is that he or she has experienced profound loss, in terms of his or her own sense of self and in the way he or she identifies as an individual. It seems that the author attributes such loss to an INFJ, either directly or indirectly, and he or she is very determined to set the record straight for all INFJ’s out there.
I don’t understand what is to be gained? Blake, why? I know that you are aware that the INFJ’s in your present or past life will read this, but why the lack of generosity towards the rest? Why not realize the shortcomings and narrowness in your own judgement and write an article that tacitly accounts and acknowledges that? I imagine that your natural inclination is not to think about the feelings and motivations of others. Regardless of your personality type, this article is merely an illustration of your shortsightedness and lack of awareness.
To those INJF’s who nodded while reading this highly biased, critical, and poorly constructed piece in terms of its helpfulness and its ability to prompt genuine, positive self-reflection, please look at it again, with a more critical eye.
Also, to you INFJ’s, remember that everyone has conflicts in terms of their motivations, their sense of selves, and their interest and needs in relation to those of others. Please fully acknowledge that. The conflict is undoubtedly natural, and I even dare say, primal. I’d say that the main difference between you and other individuals, is that you are able to discern and identify those threads, given your profound understanding of the many complexities that go into shaping ourselves and those with whom we interact.
I know it’s taxing, both emotionally and physically to do this, but try to practice translating all of the physical and emotional manifestations of the information you gather through your intuitive nature. Take time to, on a regular basis, either think aloud, or write about the way in which you perceive and internalize things, and what you learn from others through your interactions. To translate or verbalize your own feelings and abstractions for yourself, is a very helpful exercise that, over time, will help you better understand the wonderful complexities that make you who you are and grow confident and more aware of you and others.
Don’t let anyone tell you, that you are self-centered. Throughout your life, you have experienced much difficulty, pain, internal conflict, as well as conflict in your relationships simply because most individuals will not see the things that you see, think in the ways that you do, and experience the world as you do. For the most part of your younger years, you’ve gone through a lot, as you probably couldn’t even figure our why you made the choices you made, and why you felt so much internal pulling in different directions. Trust you intuition. You are remarkably beautiful and wonderful, in all your complexity and depth.
Hey AD,
I’m not here to defend Blake, as he can do it very well himself, but a lot of your points troubles me. You stated that all “well-developed” type can see through his facade, but what is a “well-develop” type? And how do you define that? Also is “well-develop” mutually exclusive to being self-centered? Is it wrong to be self-centered? Personally I believe being oblivious or a lack of introspection is far more detrimental to one’s personal health. Self-centeredness is an attribute but it doesn’t have to define one’s choice. In fact, an awareness of one’s weakness can allow the person to make more meaningful decisions.
I’m not certain if you are offended at the thought that this article can pertain to you or maybe you think Blake is trying to maliciously corrupt the youthful and naive INFJs. It doesn’t really matter either way since opinions are just that; opinions.
It seems rather arrogant that you would assume other INFJs who agree with this piece lack a “critical eye.” I can be quite critical, for example at one point you spelled INJF rather than INFJs. I could take it further and assume that your lack of proofreading is a direct result of your heightened emotional state. Therefore, rendering all your arguments invalid. See how ridiculous that is? That the same as saying Blake writes bias articles on INFJs because he was scorned. Also even if it is bias, doesn’t mean it’s right or wrong. Everyone is biased, what isn’t biased?
I have no doubt that you mean well but if you truly disagree with the article, shouldn’t you write a more constructive argument? If the article is stating “INFJs are self-centered” and then your response is based solely on your feelings… aren’t you proving the point?
Then again, what do I know? I’m just some persona behind a keyboard.
To be fair, if Blake was scheming this elaborate ruse, why would he even allow your comment to be posted? Why would he allow any disagreeing opinion?
Well, I hope you at least felt better after writing your comment. I did.
I think there is a misunderstanding here, that’s for sure. I never saw this article as being a fully in-depth Solution To All Things INFJ™ — I seriously doubt that anyone has. However, this _article_ (emphasis on that word) provides only a small glimpse into what Blake thinks about INFJ in general (you really should check the other articles to get a more rounded perspective, as I feel like you’re jumping to conclusions a bit quickly here). It’s a focus into the darker side of things, and to deny that doesn’t exist might be pleasant, but it isn’t useful.
“A” is right about bias too, everyone is biased in some way or another. I’m biased towards this article because I see value in it, you’re biased away from it because you see it as a source of harm to your own values, and then you project that as being damaging to the values of others, which may or may not be the case. In either case, yes, there is bias, but unless you care to offer a counter, then your opinions are your own, and I’d leave it at that.
So far, nothing you’ve currently said actually disputes anything he wrote. In fact, when you start to talk about how it is okay to be self-centered, etc, etc, you’re actually vaguely acknowledging the validity of the the article.
If you really are trying to help, you need to back-up your views a little rather than just bullying others into shifting their opinions by implying that they must not be “well-developed” if they don’t see things your way.
I’d say more but I’m out of time.
As much as I wouldn’t like to admit it in some respects, most of this (well actually all of this) is pretty spot on. I’m probably too young (being only 20) to appreciate every facet of the article but from my experiences I’ve had of life so far it is pretty accurate. Even though we go out of our ways to help other people, it seems to be because of our ideals we hold rather than the person, so in that respect it is turned back in towards ourselves and is actually quite selfish. The webpages which say ‘INFJs are selfless saints that live to help others’ and make us a snowflake are quite incorrect and frustrating in the respects of us being this altruistic martyr. That is how we want others to see us a defense mechanism and we use our Fe to throw that off and so other people don’t actually see that.
Well that what I’ve found anyway.
Thank you for the enjoyable article. Very accurate and spot on
P.S. please excuse the bad spelling and grammar. I’m typing this up at 4am.
I love this post so much. I think I about died laughing at the abrupt “to not know how to do the dishes”. God, that’s so true. One of my best friends is an MBTI buff and pegged me as an INFJ a while back, but honestly, until I read this post, I really didn’t believe I was one. There tends to be way too much “INFJs=Rare Special All-Knowing Mystic Unicorn” crap in other sites’ descriptions of the type. Then I read all the “bad” stuff about INFJs that you wrote on here. And I was like, oh, well, this is exactly me after all.
I think a big part of why I’ve had such a hard time figuring out my MBTI type (I rarely get typed as INFJ in online tests) is that I’ve also got Asperger’s, so I guess that throws a wrench in how a lot of my INFJ tendencies manifest. Ever since I was little I’ve always had pretty good instincts for what people were thinking, feeling, and ESPECIALLY what would push their buttons, but then I’d have absolutely no idea what to do with that information. Usually I would do exactly the wrong thing. Like, figure out a really embarrassing thing about someone and then blurt it out in front of everyone. Then be shocked that they were offended, because I didn’t understand that most people don’t usually enjoy truth for its own sake if it’s not pleasant.
I get along a lot better now as an adult, because I eventually figured out how to use my senses to figure out what people WANT to hear and how they WANT to be spoken to (one blogger wrote that “just because you know what somebody SHOULD do, that doesn’t mean they want you to tell them”). But it’s still a struggle sometimes. Also, I’m a little troubled by what you’re saying here about INFJs and long-term relationships. There’s a blogger named Penelope Trunk who has a lot to say about how people with Asperger’s can find satisfaction in their lives, and she’s very adamant that they need to have 1) a job and 2) a long-term partner. But what if I’m not cut out for that – maybe I’m doomed, haha! For what it’s worth, I’ve never been in any long-term relationship. I wonder if maybe I’ve always been subconsciously aware of all the stuff you’ve said here.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling comment – I’m basically just trying to get across for someone like me, an INFJ with Asperger’s, your advice to this MBTI type is really thought-provoking. And you have a really fun and whimsical writing style, so I always enjoy your posts, even when they make me frown at myself!
I read this about two months ago and, as a lifetime-typed INFJ (occasionally I’ll recheck) dating another INFJ, three months in, well, ER, um, hey wow. Shit.
But, you know, this one. He had me when he declared my undercooked and random assessment “at the end of the day, boats on tracks are pretty cool” as being A Fascinating Representation of who I was. And I was like “uh why?” And he explained it was a me-ism because, not only did I have to assess whether I liked boats, or rides-on tracks, declare my assessment, I also had to summarize that this statement of acceptance of a tiny detail of life, it had to be true “at the end of the day.” For all time. That I had been, in one way or another, mulling it over and weighing the factors without even realizing it. And we laughed. So hard. about this and other related topics, for about an hour. I felt not only accepted, I felt Got.
So this article, it was devastating.
It had the effect of being equally discouraging and activating. In fact, that shit almost destroyed things altogether at the three-month mark. I looked at his motives and my own as selfish. I still don’t know what got me over that hurdle. Maybe talking about it with him, albeit indirectly.
Angel or alien. Always in my life tried to be one and always wanted the other. Dated more people than I can count on the fingers and toes of all the commenters on this blog multiplied by three.
Thank my lucky stars all that failure has taught me something. And I came up with rules. “Make sure he is who he really says he is.” Conversely, “make sure you are too.” And “make sure you tell him you are a grown-ass woman who can’t get over some pretty basic neurotic secretive instincts.” And, “make sure you reveal something new about yourself when you have the opportunity.” And “trust that he’s not the enemy.”
I’ve been dumped before by someone who told me it was because I was too “self-protective.”
And, I think that’s the crux here.
We’re not selfish, we INFJs. But self-protective, we are. And about the worst thing that can happen to us is the lockjaw that sets in when we realize a person isn’t who we thought they were. The door slams shut.
So I am on a mission of self-revelation and trust. And bringing my concerns to him and learning not to be hurt when he laughs them off. Of pursuing a deeper explanation if he takes a turn I don’t understand. He’s not a fan of conflict (I mean, who is, but NOT STEWING is a cardinal rule for me) yet he told me the other day he has learned to appreciate even the unpleasant inquiries.
The need for those are lessening as well, though I told him in predictive fashion that difficult times will ebb and flow with me as I work out my natural dissonances, but I get his motivations and inclinations more now. Making it all so much easier.
I think we gotta know ourselves, and not in an idealized sense, either.
Self-protection is the too-easy instinct that creates the 3-to-6-month shelf life. We get cast in roles and we like them because they are safe and that drains us. At the end of the day, we have to interact. We have to dig deeper and then come up for air and talk about what the hell is up with airline peanuts. We have to fight like hell against the urge to enjoy being frozen in carbonite.
We are soul. Our body we inhabit, our INFJ, we inhabit. Our essence is stronger. Carry on as you are.
I’ve been struggling with this article as well, clearly, since I’ve made it this far down the comments. Struggling enough that I actually want to respond, which I don’t think I’ve done since I was like 13.
I found this article disturbingly resonant, but I think it’s portraying things a little fatalistically. Even if we have scorpio moon ids that doesn’t mean we can’t mediate them through our other qualities and try to balance our extremes through them. I think the brain is more pliant than this article suggests, albeit through hard work and patience. I realized my very unhealthy and deeply rooted romantic instincts a little while ago, but since then through being very open about it and objectively aware of it through counseling, meditation, and conversations with friends and family, I’ve made a good bit of progress I think. I also have always been an artist and a writer, which like you (Blake) say has been really helpful.
I think it’s important to remember that like all the systems we’re touching on, the “id” is part of a particular person’s (Freud’s) concept of things, not something objectively understood, or neurologically verified. Having a part of you that is not changeable or at least mediate-able is an idea, not a fact. It seems relevant here that Freud was a Taurus. And I feel like I’m also clearly saying all of this as a solar Aquarius.
I think you’ve done a really amazing job of hitting a very real nerve in this piece. Really amazing. This is exceptionally insightful food for thought. Thank you! But I think that it’s not quite right to present these things so fatalistically, especially when all of the people involved are the kind of person that is struggling with their own perception of themself as secretly horrible, and possibly trying very hard to mediate that and mature as a person in order to actually have a healthy, longterm, monogamous relationship. I think the negative and poisonous instincts that go along with having a very profound engagement with the darker aspects of reality and metaphysics make us always suspicious of these qualities in others and aware of them in ourselves. But what we have to realize is that these qualities Do exist in everyone and everything. We’re not worse. They’re not better. We’re just more aware of these things, and we’re aware that we’re more aware, which makes us think that we’re the only ones who really have it. But our knowledge that it must be everywhere keeps us suspicious that it’s lurking in our partners–so what we have to remember is that…it is. Even if it would take more exceptional circumstances to bring out another person’s engagement with scorpio qualities, it’s still always there. And so it seems to me that we’re not actually the possessors of these qualities, we’re just aware of these qualities’ existence, which makes us engage with them more, and ends up feeling like we possess them, and are worse/better for it, creating a very difficult situation for intimacy.
In my experience I feel like the best partner for INFJ is often INTJ, and I’m curious what your thoughts are on this? As well as on anything I’ve said. I find INTF’s really calming because I know that I can’t engage in negative impulses because they just won’t have it. They feel equal in awareness and power, but not subject to the same emotional pitfalls, and their own pitfalls I also find I have a lot of patience with and understanding of. They won’t give into you and they won’t get enraged by you either, they’ll just steer you back on course, and the infj can help them engage with the more irrational, emotional truths in existence. Again, though, I feel like I’m probably saying this specifically as a solar aquarian? Other infj’s probably feel like intj’s are their enemies.
In any case, thanks for the really great article. Like a bunch of people have said, I’ve never come across a blog this interesting or novel in such a real way.
> I found this article disturbingly resonant, but I think it’s portraying things a little fatalistically.
First, let me say that I really liked your response on multiple points, especially about INTJs. I’ve always had a fascination with the NTs, but the NTJs tend to draw me in more deeply. I just wanted to add that the fatalism described is a matter of perspective. For me, it was more encouraging and renewing than fatalistic, and the reason being is that I’ve always looked back on those moments with a great deal of shame, but I could never quite distill a lesson from my mistakes. So, even though I haven’t had this issue in a long time (married for nearly 8 years now), it is really nice to finally shed some light on those things and bring to conscious mind the motivating drives behind it. I do believe in the Id, Ego, and Superego concepts brought by Freud. Especially about how the superego creates a feedback loop against the ego using the id as it’s fuel.
I use those instances among others when I start to feel self-righteous as a reminder of how imperfect and prone to wrongness that I am. And so, when I start to become critical of the faults in others, I remind myself that I am no better, and that I should be more understanding of their personal experience if I can.
As far as long term relationships go, I’ve been married for nearly 8 years now to an ENTJ woman. Settling down was not easy, I felt extremely resentful at times _and_ fatalistic about every fight we had, but those moments would pass and I would learn a lot about myself pending reflection. However, once we had finally gotten our dynamics worked out (which took about three years), things were so much better. We make a very good team, we know aspects of our life each of us excels at, and we trust each other to handle those things without fear or anxiety. Neither she nor I can really imagine life before “us”. Which was a feeling I marvel at on occasion.
The world always provides us with means by which to be healthy and strong. Even the bad stuff is in some way, a gift which impacts who we are and what we are able to give others. I can’t imagine the sort of person I would be now if I hadn’t had my temporary bouts with the darker side of myself.
People will deal with the information as they require.
sequestrum,
thanks for this response. very thoughtful. i do see your point, and it’s nice to hear from someone else who’s worked on a relationship with a TNJ for a while. I also become fatalistic after every argument! it’s easy to want to cut and run when any disagreement feels like it has bad metaphysical implications. so yeah it’s very nice to hear from someone that’s worked through that.
Thank you, though it wasn’t anywhere near as in-depth as yours. There were a lot of complications, to be sure, some of them got pretty bad at times. But if we had known _anything_ about our types and what that meant for our communication styles, I’m certain we could have come to an understanding sooner than three years in. =/
Oh well, c’est la vie. Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stranger, right? 🙂
After reading this, I just couldn’t resist the urge to comment. I’m guessing, judging by your genuine anger towards INFJ’s, that one must have seriously pissed in your cereal. Did I mention I am an INFJ? Hi, angelic creature at your service 🙂 You see, here’s the thing.. I am well aware of the fact that INFJ’s are indeed different. Go ahead, call us special if you will. But I can most definitely tell you that we are well aware that we aren’t godly. We do have high standards, yes. But I know that personally I don’t actually expect anyone else to live up to them. You might like to club old ladies in your spare time (the whole angry little article rant thing you did here sure would suggest that it’s a possibility) but that’s on you bro, who am I to judge. I’m willing to bet that the INFJ who did indeed piss in your cereal probably just got annoyed as hell with either your arrogance or your ignorance. Before you jump to the defensive “you don’t even know me lady” reaction.. Remember, I’m an INFJ after all. Us angel faking escape artists are pretty good at seeing people for exactly who they are 😀
OK then, sounds like you have it all figured out. No need for me to comment.
I wondered how many subjects he/she study on to reach this stupid conclusion. Yes as an INFJ I am selfish in a way however it is because we have a balance between caring for other people as well as caring for myself. Since I think individually rather than generally (If it makes any since) I dont expect anyone to reach my high standards since we are all different. I dont feel like this trash sums me up as an INFJ. WHO THE HELL IS RIGHT 95% OF THE TIME.
I agree with half of it and disagree with the half of it. I agree that we definitely need balance (hence why we need time with and away people) but i don’t agree with what you said that we only help people to make ourselves better, or because of our ideals. It sounds more of an immature INFJ. I help people for the sole reason of I understand the human condition. Your pain, my pain. But thank you for your insights nonetheless. 🙂
I don’t think I said INFJs help people to make themselves better. I think INFJs help people because of a genuine desire to do so but when it comes to saving people through sexual/romantic relationships, well, that may be doomed. It’s because of the way INFJs have Fi situated in their type – as an id function.
Actually, I think a more mature INFJ (whatever that means), will help people as a matter of course, but, not out of a deep neediness to have it reciprocated in a deepening relationship. I specifically mention relationships of a romantic/sexual character. And the attraction of INFJs to wounded people of the opposite sex. Or vice-versa, the attraction of INFJs to white knights (or dark knights) that can save them.
I can see I am going to have to write more about this dynamic of Fi id for women. There is a lot of questions and concerns about this aspect of INFJ and what I have alluded to in this article.
Thanks for the comment.
This article is the best description of me (INFJ) that I have ever (!) read.
Absolutely glad that there is someone who can pinpoint the true essence of my type. It is really precious to find something real and true in a sea of bland ”goody – goody about to save the world” INFJ descriptions out there. This goes much more beyond the facade of INFJs and exposes the core self including the not so pleasant sides which (I’m confident) true INFJ’s will for the most part relate to.
To me this does not seem like an offence / attack on my personality. It rather gives me a better understanding of why do I feel/am the way I am as well as a useful advice / tool on how to go about it in order to become a happier person.
And by the way – I absolutely love your writing / argumentation style . If you ever publish a book, I’ll be in line to order it the very second 🙂
Oxana
You know this is weird. I’m definitely not angelic, but this picture doesn’t fit me either. The first time I took the myers briggs test it came out INFJ. None of the personality type descriptions fit me. Though INFJ comes closest. I identify with the INTJ and the INTP descriptions as well. Maybe, I don’t have a personality type ? I don’t fit neatly into any box lol I’ll admit though on the test the F/T and the J/P are close with me just being slightly more F then T and slightly more J then P.
What in particular doesn’t fit you here? Tell me more about yourself and that may be more useful in helping to determine your type. You might not fit neatly in a box, but, in my experience, everyone can go in one of these boxes. I’ll be damned if I am going to have any people running around in the world out of a fucking box. Put the lotion in the basket and get in the fucking box.
Blake’s comment below. Lol. You are funny, honest, brutal. You’re either an INTJ or INFJ. Like recognizes like. Maybe a cusper? We are selfish only with our time. If we give you our time, then we’ve given you the most valuable commodity in our arsenal. An unhealthy INFJ is a nightmare. Agreed. But can’t that be true of anyone? A healthy one is indeed a unicorn. Many amazing things about the elusive INFJ. If there is a history of abuse or maltreatment, this personality type requires extensive healing or they will mess you up with their sometimes harsh honesty, or idealistic expectations. Please don’t mess up an INFJ child!!! They see people and the world the way it should be, rather than the heartbreaking reality. They are very, very, misunderstood. The best thing to do if you’re confused, is ask. They’re honest to a fault, even when admitting their owns faults, weaknesses, and demons. This type is highly empathic, and a lack of empathy is the hallmark of narcissism. Wrong tree, and something about barking, for whomever insinuated that. Not possible. They are your neurotics and care TOO much. It’s overwhelming, and they often seclude themselves to recharge their batteries. I know my stuff but I also realize that every single human being is different regardless of their type. There is no one size fits all, and the MBTI is about preference only.
My initial impression is that you are purposely trying to draw INFJs out of hiding. . .and that you might have human heads in your freezer.
It’s refreshing to see someone who gets the INFJ darkness. ESTPs have been the only people in real life who not only got it-but liked that about me. Found it funny.
I frequently ran into awkward situations as a child where I would give my extrapolated version of a person or an event and would get criticized for exaggerating or not being truthful. And I learned to hold back even though I was usually right. Because what I have always done for as long as I can remember is to make things or recount things or describe things or people or events as “true-ER” than reality. If that makes sense? I will form an impression that incorporates things that are likely to happen in the future. . .and if I make that jump, people look at me like I am crazy or just aren’t ready to hear it. So I keep those jumps and impressions to myself, until I trust someone or decide that it’s important enough.
What you are suggesting is that I should either journal or write to release all this stuff that I call my ‘swirl”. I’ve spent years indiscriminately sucking up more stuff into my swirl from the internet and finding myself stuck and dissatisfied. This is the first useful and practical
advice I’ve seen for my INFJ problems. Meditate? Spend MORE time in my head? No. So far exercise is the best way to turn off my thought obsessions, but it doesn’t involve other people unless I am teaching–which does seem to give me some satisfaction and relief from my own head.
Married 15 years to an ENFP. I see now that I am not ideally suited to marriage and parenting, but I am pretty good at it. I haven’t destroyed anyone’s psyche by “ghosting” or “husking” on them completely (it does happen occasionally). I picked an intriguing guy who has good self esteem and can handle my tendency to wthdraw. He appreciates the fact that. I see his dark side, unlike the rest of the world that that gets suckered by his ENFP charm.
I have never posted in a discussion forum – never felt the need before not being a social media person. But I’ve been reading this forum while trying to get my one year old baby to sleep and I just wanted to add a note of possible optimism. I have gone through many soul searching, tortured and lonely times as I tried to understand myself and my relationship with the world. I have found typing useful at times in making me feel less alone. I barely dated as I couldn’t handle the potential for hurting others- and found it so incredibly difficult to be vulnerable myself. Selfish? Maybe. But I so desperately wanted to be different. Whatever the type descriptions, I didn’t like myself very much. But despite all this, I am now 39 and have been married for 7 years to someone I would describe as my soul mate, but in a very down to earth way. There is nothing I can’t tell him. We have two children who give me immense joy and who take me into the world. I will not pay attention to my inhibitions any more if singing ‘the wheels on the bus’ in the middle of a cafe will make my 2 year old laugh, or help my teething one year old forget her discomfort. I am deeply happy, and I no longer feel the need to write poetry.
So I hope for all of you that you have serendipity on your journeys – and self acceptance.
For a long time I believed I must be INTP or INTJ, but this article seems to clearly peg me as being more of an INFJ. The obsession I’ve always had with my internal world and my self-identity, along with that whole monk/romanticist dichotomy smacked me upside the head with truth. I’ve never really felt the NT temperament fit because I always had a strong humanistic and humane quality and often felt a need to connect with people on a deeper level than a lot of others do I think (which inevitably would fail at some point).
As I get older, I’ve noticed that I need to be around more people, that I really don’t want to discard anyone, but I just need to keep adding to my collection of souls so to speak.
You know the funny thing is, although I do agree with much of what you stated, one of my close relationships came to an end when the person believed I was manipulative. What they failed to see wast that I only believed that this set of actions was the best for them and I would throw it on the table so they could make that move.
I guess in a way we come out persuasive and forceful. But I’m also convinced, if we’re seen as manipulative or selfish in the large scheme of things, than that’s a naive evaluation.This is something that this person realized later on. I’m not here to use you, I just want you to become better, and if this want of mine is wrong, let me know and explain it to me why it is. However, I’ve learned not to enforce my standard on anyone, especially since I evaluate their personality before hand.
Not that you’ve said this, I think this article was pointing to another reality, something I’ve seen in myself — where I’ve always wanted to get married to a girl who was less fortunate than me, someone looking for a saviour. I guess it might be dark that I would want someone so that I would become their world, but at the end I realize we think like this because we want to solve the sickness of loneliness and have a soulmate we know will never leave us. Over time though, I realized that this is not the sort of relationship I’m looking forward to, but I can see us falling for the impulse though.
What do you think about infj/infj romantic relationship?
I think it would work great if one of the INFJs was the artist and the other was the muse. A very ethereal and otherworldly type relationship. Other than that, it is likely to crash on the hard rocks of reality and lack of compensatory energies.
If the muse keeps her (his) distance than it could be the perfect relationship for an INFJ. I don’t think this relationship fares well in close contact for any length of time. INFJs can’t stand when their muses are less than heavenly in remove and needs. If they lived at close quarters, they would likely consume each other or the magic of the muse’s distance would be lost. The muse would reveal themselves to be just like every other human in many ways. INFJs don’t want to hear shit about that. They want their muse to be above earthly desires and functions.
It is the stuff that poets write of. But, there is a tragic undercurrent in all of it.
That being said, go for it if it presents itself. Why not? Could be the stuff of legend and fiction. Might inspire you to write some great music or poetry. INFJs ain’t looking for conventional relationships. They want magic. And who better to give it to them than another INFJ?
I just see something very tragic and dark in this relationship, like somehow it will end in dissipation and weakening of the will. A slow and exquisite route to suicide. But, maybe not!
One of the INFJs is going to have to provide some strong boundaries to the whole proceeds. Otherwise, they are liable to run at each other like no tomorrow and sink each other to the bottom of the sea, exquisitely and ecstatically devouring each other the whole way down.
What a ride though!
Yes, these two are likely to get quite addicted to each other. And become helpless at each other’s mutual influence.
So, let one of them be a mighty artist who holds the solar path above all else, and maybe just maybe. If he can keep her at enough of a distance. Too close and he will be singed by her sirenhood. Dashed upon her rocks. Etc.
The female INFJ love nature has a bewitching fatality about it that both she and her would-be paramours are helpless to.
Why is it, that any time you write about tragic dark dangerous destructive INFJ tendencies, it sounds to me like one of the most beautiful things in the world?
Because it is.
As the poet Maria Rainier Rilke says, “Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror.”
Virgin here. I get bored of most people after a short time and distance myself away from them for a while. This is why I cannot and will not be in a romantic relationship. I’m afraid of hurting people after I lose interest in them. I’m glad I found life long friends to confide in though. Half of the time, I find myself wanting the company of humans and half of the time seeking solitude.
Same here. I would rather draw my own happiness from someone I’m with than leave them and hurt them. Its not the whole ” I can’t live without you” feeling…its the “are they okay without me?” feeling that makes it rediculously scary to be in a long term relationship. I only really have one good friend (been my best friend for 13 years) and she is very much an extrovert. She lives across the country and I too seek friendships, but often decide not to go fourth because I don’t think they’ll like what I like.
You say that we’re all so self centered, but I don’t feel bad for it to be honest. I’m a good person and I feel like I make up for it with my actions. I make up for my self-centeredness by being the change I want to see. Like I want to see people love more and be kind good people so I be that for the world when I can. In return I can be self centered. In the end I’ll be the one 6 feet deep and i’ll be damned if its not about me. Its my reality, theres no way it isn’t. I found your post a bit sour, but I liked it. All my life I feel like people are afraid to tell me the truth because they don’t want to hurt my feelings but I really just crave it. I want to know the truth that I feel. Like I can feel what people think, I just want to hear them say it and confirm it so I don’t feel crazy for thinking I know what they are. In regards to my demeanor, am I the only INFJ that feels like i’m super awkward? Like I’m always so “in my own mind/world” that I don’t realize how I appear to others. I often feel like i’m just super awkward and appear weird to others but then I think about not giving in to the whole “fake persona” just to appear cool/normal thing and after that I don’t really feel so bad or care.
Others often appear weird to me (laughing at own observation), I have often felt weird in life but getting to know oneself better, ones strengths, observing other people, I don’t feel as weird as I used to, and when I feel weird, it’s usually to do with changing situations and types in society, that I don’t relate to. I generally don’t care what many think of me, unless it’s a close person or when I’m seen in a way that is just bullshit, or when someone in some strange way has access to my achilles heel and my hidden pains, then some strange dynamic sets in, other than that I’m certainly not more weird than others, which I think should be an angle to look at when feeling weird. I feel weird in very restrictive, highly stereotypical places, can be very painful on different levels, but I don’t engage with such surroundings if I don’t have to. But that’s not really about how I’m viewed, rather how the people and places “feel” to me. Of course some things like puberty need to be looked at, when one might be more unsure of oneself, than other times in one’s life but that should change once one gets to know oneself better and develops tools to deal with such feelings. A little real superawkward is not bad anyway, I miss some of that in regulated worlds.
Yo MR. Blake
I don’t know how to convey the gratitude I have for you and this site. I’m not saying you’re a cure-all wizard or anything (what is you profession?), but there aren’t too many people I know who can speak my language (that inner language where every idea/event is too some degree a metaphor of the Absolute) and teach me something so internally consistent that I almost believed I taught myself. I learn alot from alot of people, but really your writing style is so close to home I barely remember what I’m writing this comment for since you probably already “know” everything I’m “saying”.
Anyway, I hope more INFJs find your site and learn about themselves. I deleted most of what I was going to say in this comment opting to not blast this page with a wall of text (you’re not my counselor), not to implicate that there’s something wrong with that for other commentators who may have done so. Where I am in life verbose, scatterbrained, anecdotal comments are despised and/or ignored so… I’m practicing. I have some questions regarding the nature of this site:
1. Is this site designed for any in particular?
2. What is your belief in Jung-astrological connection, there’s 12 signs and 16 types?
3. Why are only some signs represented, (I’m a Libra Aries moon rising Scorpio)?
4. I have grade A ADHD-Pi and they say a general anxiety, but this sounds remarkably like your Ni-Ti -> Fi disintegration oscillator, could this be describing the same thing?
5. How could I use Fe to stay balanced while doing homework, I’m a physicist/aspiring nuclear engineer and I feel like I lean on really heavy on Ti (altho I’m easily overwhelmed with details), ?
6. How does one know if he/she is using Ni or not?
7. Are you an INFJ?
8. I’m a Enneagram 4w5, what are you?
9. If INFJs are supposed to be to understand others, assuming I’m an INFJ why would feel totally oblivious socially?
10. Is this this too many questions?
1. Is this site designed for any in particular?
No, it was designed just for you.
2. What is your belief in Jung-astrological connection, there’s 12 signs and 16 types?
I see that there is a correlation between the 12 astrological signs and the 16 types. How do I make up for there being 12 signs and 16 types?
The 4 mutable astrological signs are bi-corporeal or double-bodied signs, so, I break each mutable sign into two signs, the first half of the sign, I assign to introversion, the latter half, to extraversion. Voila, you got a direct matchup between the two systems! Mutable signs are convertible, ambiverse, and mediating between introversion and extraversion etc.
3. Why are only some signs represented, (I’m a Libra Aries moon rising Scorpio)?
Because I haven’t gotten around to the astrological part as much. They’ll be there in the future.
4. I have grade A ADHD-Pi and they say a general anxiety, but this sounds remarkably like your Ni-Ti -> Fi disintegration oscillator, could this be describing the same thing?
ADHD is most related to extraverted perception, intuition in general, extraverted feeling (especially in the id position), and that’s about it. Many INFJs have some of these traits. I wouldn’t say they are the hyperactive type as that seems to be the ENFP type the most. But, INFJS definitely are constantly bombarded with all kinds of stimuli at all times of the day and night. Many have trouble sleeping and relaxing. NiTi has something to do with this. It is hyperactive mind. EP tends to hyperactive body.
5. How could I use Fe to stay balanced while doing homework, I’m a physicist/aspiring nuclear engineer and I feel like I lean on really heavy on Ti (altho I’m easily overwhelmed with details), ?
Get a flow fountain as recommended in my Fe series articles for INFJs, study with other people if possible. INFJs love to discuss ideas of what they are studying with others (Fe). Take time away from screen and mental activity. Less is more in this regard. May sound counter-intuitive, but decrease the time you would study by an hour a day and use that time to do nothing. Basically, allow yourself a certain block of time to reduce all input into your heated brain. Let it cool down. Stare at a flow fountain. You can link to my Fe series solution articles through the series of links following this article. Do some of the stuff I recommend even if you think it is too simplistic or not worthwhile.
Details is an Si thing not a Ti thing. And Si is the function that is most hated by INFJs. I advise minimizing details as much as possible and center-referencing (Ni) all the random and arbitrary facets of something/a subject as much as possible. Si basically undoes, cancels, is mutually antagonistic to the INFJ ego-orientation (Ni).
6. How does one know if he/she is using Ni or not?
Too general a question for me to answer shortly.
7. Are you an INFJ?
Some people think so. Yet others think I am ENTP, INTJ, ENFP, ENFJ, INTP…those are the ones I hear the most. I ask people to figure this out on their own.
8. I’m a Enneagram 4w5, what are you?
“1/0 is no longer undefined” is my type, or at least, the type of Stellar Maze. I’m a mystery.
9. If INFJs are supposed to be to understand others, assuming I’m an INFJ why would feel totally oblivious socially?
There is a difference between understanding others and being socially savvy. INFJs social prowess will usually increase with engaging their Fe auxiliary. It decreases with NiTi loop and Fi id too. If INFJ is high in Ne, which the ADD ones probaly are, then, that too will make you oblivous to people and objects in space.
10. Is this this too many questions?
Yes, way too many. I feel like I am on Meet The Press. But, whatever, I must be in a good mood or something.
I can relate to this post very much – although I’ve never been in a relationship, I managed to ruin some, let’s say, special friendships (which involved intimate gestures, talks, and even kisses) this way. I know I can’t stand a long-term relationship and I’m even quite annoyed when someone wishes me one.
Problem is, I’ve always felt to have a problem with that, and I had many issues at dealing with people, so I don’t know what to do with my sex drive, which is huge and I used to find repulsive in the past.
Even now I waver between a desire for monkhood and that of a harem, but when you have been a monk all your damn life (I slept only once with a hooker, to whom I didn’t fall in love by the way), well, monkhood is just a bit too much to bear. And yet, I keep the worst ideas about family and parenting (I’m totally sure I would make a mess. Totally. And besides, money is always a problem). I was tempted by something like a shallow marriage, like being a gallant for an independent woman, but I don’t know if that might work and is a difficult situation to create.
So, I should look for a way to have short relationships, without concerning for the other person? Will I ever be happy with this?
Blake,
I figured it would be most useful for me to thank-you publicly, rather than privately, for the telephone consult. I’m still mulling over a lot of your feedback. Your point of view was incredibly enlightening and useful for making my own decisions. This is the most important thing about your website that people don’t seem to get. It’s not about whether your opinions and blogs are in some absolute way right or wrong; it is how useful the information you give is to people in making decisions and living life.
My opinion is that this website is invaluable, at least for INFJs. Furthermore, I was willing to pay for consultation as proof of that.
Wishing you the best and hoping you continue to blog, Sarah
One of the best articles I ever read on me. (male INFJ) I can’t be the judge on the part where you are saying we are the most selfish of all people cause i am not so much into other types yet. But it might be so. But i am aware of that and try not to affect my loved ones by that. I very much agree on relationships and all that love stuff. So many times i felt i have found my muse and than saw mistakes on her and bammm…my search goes on. Ill never find her. My muse. I truly am chameleon and am hiding in a crowd. So maybe she will come to me as i sure won’t approach her. Why is it so hard to approach women for me and i am a master of communication. If there is a motive, work related, or something else, i can approach anyone, very easy. As soon motive is romance, i like her, she is amazing….I can’t come close. I can’t even look at her. Wtf. Why?? Low self-confidence? No, not the case. Normally i am not even a shy guy. I analysed its probably a fear of rejection and failure that hits me much harder than other guys. .. So…yeah I totally agree with you. And I am european. I read about american thingy..being insulted by the article. Interesting stuff. Keep up the good work. Z
For me it is not low self-esteem. Males respond to emotions physically. Men high five, hit each other when happy, punch walls when angry, grieve to the point of physical collapse. We respond physically. Sex is a physical expression of emotions for us. INFJs crave the emotional connection. We have to have it. We are very guarded about seeking it out because to be rebuffed is very painful. Thus when we enter into any relationship with a woman, a physical image happens because it is a deeper emotional connection for us. I believe we shy away from approaching women because we know we want a deeper connection and what that requires. SO we remain aloof and guarded. Just my observations.
Since I have no idea what would be apropriate place to write it, I chose this.
I watched Thor, Avengers and Thor – Dark world and Loki (played by Tom Hiddleston) was pretty much the most intriguing charachter to me. I have to wonder what type he is. What do you think?
I think he is the same type as Gary Oldman and Alan Rickman…
evil INFJ.
There were many interesting insights in this article that made me think. I like to propose a question- do you think adding religion to an INFJ may counteract some of the negative tendencies? Perhaps aiming to live like Jesus and treating people like Jesus did would add a less selfish purpose behind the INFJ actions. I’d be interested to hear your thoughts!
No, it is very likely that INFJs would be one of the most prevalent types to question religion. So, you just can’t add it to them, whatever that means. If they have inherited Christianity, they are likely to question it. Which is not to say they will refute it, but, they are likely to arrive at a very personal understanding of what it means to be a Christian.
Also, I don’t know that Christianity would make them happier, but, it is certainly likely to make them less self-focused. Well, that is unless they use it to tear themselves a new asshole via Christian guilt, sin, how good one is in the eyes of god etc. As far as this system goes Christianity would mostly fall under Fi Pisces (there is also Fi Scorpio too). INFJs have this as an id dynamic of an astrological 12th house nature, which means that Fi Pisces is very strong and very weak in them. In any event, it operates mostly as a negative and undermining of the ego orientation (dominant function) type of function.
So, no, I wouldn’t recommend it for happiness of an INFJ. Fi Pisces is their form of the ultimate sacrifice. And lo and behold, because Jesus was an INFJ archetype of the Fi Pisces variety, we have a very clear picture of what this looks like: sacrificing oneself on the cross to pay for the sins of mankind. Also, as I understand it, Jesus was able to make this sacrifice to successfully clear the sins of all mankind because he had lived a morally perfect life.
Jesus’s happiness in doing this is wide open to interpretation.
On a general note, I would say that it doesn’t make INFJs happy to live a Christian life, but, perhaps, it may be meaningful to them, and INFJs need meaning like a fish needs water.
But, happiness…that is a whole other thing. A rather late invention of mankind I think. Or a very early one. At any rate, Christianity and garden-variety happiness (garden of Eden!) don’t go together too well. Christianity is the happiness of bearing one’s cross. That symbol lies at the heart of Christianity and a cross ain’t the happiest of things.
But, what am I talking about? You never made any mention of happiness.
Would it counteract some of their negative tendencies like selfishness? You see that is sort of a mixed or complex question. By answering that, your are assuming that I consider an INFJ’s selfishness or self-focus to be negative. I don’t. It is actually their selflessness that I would consider innately negative in orientation. Their self-focus in more neutral in orientation. Depends what they do with it.
I believe INFJs would not embrace any organised religion. I do believe we are deeply spiritual and religion is a very private thing shared with no one. INFJs simple cannot tolerate the hypocrisy found in every church or other house of worship. Our desire for social justice and the need to be the white night puts us at odds with those whomprefess brotherly love but act otherwise. We simply cannot be around such behavior.
I am an INFJ, and a passionate Christian. Or, should I say, I am passionate about Jesus. I have questioned religion, as you predicted. But not God himself, simply religion. I believe in the Biblical God and Biblical principles but I have been resentful at times of the practice of religion. I have seen it corrupted in some ways. However my love for Jesus and desire to be more like him has most definitely shaped me, and perhaps counteracted some of the negative qualities presented here. Some of it was spot on; I have come to love myself (which apparently is considered arrogance :D), and I do tend to put on a mask, fool people, and then drift away. But if someone is truly a kindred spirit, I love them deeply and do not close up unless my trust falters. I wholeheartedly believe that when I fall in love, it will be with someone who can understand me so well that I don’t feel like I need to go into my turtle shell and put on a face for. I am quite capable of loving passionately, faithfully, and genuinely. I am just very selective about who I choose to let in. INFJs are not nearly so horrible as portrayed and we make wonderful partners as long as we picked the right person.
I believe it is perfectly acceptable to embrace a faith in an almighty and not attend a single house of worship. I have a strong faith and it is my faith, no one else’s. I do not need someone else telling what to and what not to believe. I see faith as a personal journey, not a group effort. For me it is a spiritual and intellectual pursuit. My advice to anyone who has faith is to not go to church.
Adding religion… Not gonna happen. I dunno if I was religious in previous lives, probably. Probably where I acquired my considerable distaste for it.
Believers come at you with the idea of adding religion to you, and it is utterly insulting and pisses me off like little else. Like I am an empty vessel otherwise. Nothing of the sort, in fact, quite the contrary. I am overflowing, borderless, timeless, without walls. Everything is sacred and at the same time eternal. If I am somewhat lost on occasion, I will sort it out. I trust no one else to do so. Not even another god. Sooner you might move the Himalayas. That’s what.
As for selfishness? I consider myself generous, giving, thoughtful, considerate, gentle and accepting. I’d offer the shirt off my back, if I wasn’t going to be jailed for indecent exposure afterwards, but I am incredibly protective of my own time and space. Like, here, you need something? Ask. Take it. Whimper and I will sit and listen. I’ll help, just here now if I can, then I’m off and don’t expect a call every day that I know you are alive. I take it for granted that you are off living your own life, and want as little interference as I. The fact that this is often not true is where I am apparently a totally selfish ass. I am not good at joining a workforce. In fact I suck at it. I don’t like doing chores together. Or at all. I could go on and on…
As for counteracting negative tendencies, the truth is I am sunlight, until shit that people do brings on a storm. If one doesn’t want to inspire negativity or negative tendencies? Don’t bring it to me. Don’t tell me that horrid story on the news. Don’t be a bigot or bully. Don’t kill for sport. Don’t kill bees. Don’t expect me to join in fear. And for fox sake, don’t make busy work for me.
Negative tendencies are what happens when you try and try to escape, and cannot. You wake up, again, and the world is as surreal and ridiculous as it was the day before. And as breathtakingly beautiful and sad. And poetic.
Some of what they call Eastern thoughts, now, I do take the time to consider, but they are a reminder. Like hearing a long lost song I know, but didn’t remember just how it went. This I like to ponder at times. Thoughts, smiles, watching, listening. Action has such a tendency to fuck ups. To be born is to wreak havoc and to give birth again and again is to drink deeply, intoxicate and laugh so hard it hurts.
I LOVE THIS ARTICLE
At first I thought it was going to be the usual “INFJ unicorn” crap that seems to pervade most articles on my typing. But as soon as you called us out on our extreme selfishness, I was like: spot on.
I also really like how you pin down just how much our contradictory nature f***s with us. It also makes me question whether or not an INFJ learning their type early on is a good or bad thing. On one hand they could see their strengths and weakness and adjust accordingly, or they could cling to the “rarest pokemon” syndrome and allow the type to define them, as opposed to using it as a means to help them grow.
Hope you keep writing.
“Rarest Pokemon syndrome” – A+.
Besides literature, are INFJ really inclined to produce inspiring art? I mean, i understand that they can be helpful psychologists, writers… But i cant think, for exemple, of a great musician…(i thought George harrison was an INFJ). The best of them are basically INFP and ISFP.
“Besides literature, are INFJ really inclined to produce inspiring art?”
Yes, and not only are they inclined, but, they have the most ideal temperament setup to actually do so. That would be Ni dominance (inspired), Fi id (the pathos of great art), Fe auxiliary (the prime function in the prime position for artistic effects – not Se as is commonly thought), and Ti tertiary (elegant perfecting function).
“I mean, i understand that they can be helpful psychologists, writers… But i cant think, for exemple, of a great musician”
Try Chopin and probaly Mozart as well. Yes, I know, many in the type community consider Mozart to be an ISFP because ISFP has been labeled as “the composer” type, but, to put it bluntly, they don’t know what they are talking about. If any type would be “the composer type”, it would be INFJ (and maybe ENFJ as a second runner up. Beethoven was DEFINITELY an ENFJ). Especially, if we are talking the ability to compose artistic works that have many new ideas in them. ISFPs, for example, often make the greatest virtuosos on an instrument, but, do not by a long shot make the greatest composers, which involves the creation of new material in an artistic medium. Compared to INFJ (and ISFJ and ENFJ), they are minor composers. And George Harrison (ISFP) would be a great example of this. Compared to Lennon (INFJ) and McCartney (ISFJ), he was nowhere near as gifted or prolific as them. Which is not to say that he wasn’t a great songwriter but it is matter of relativity and scope. ISFPs, in most cases, are not known for their songwriting abilities. Now, as far as pure musicianship goes, they are the musician’s musician. But, you were kind of mixing up “the production of inspiring art” with being “a great musician”. For example, John Lennon is not considered a particularly great guitar player (he was a rhythm guitarist mainly), but, he did produce some of the most inspiring music ever written in the medium of rock n’ roll and pop music. He was an adequate musician and a genius composer.
I think ISFPs make some of the greatest “players” on a given instrument, but, they will not by any means be the greatest composers. Jimi Hendrix is the greatest example of this in the guitar playing world. He is MOSTLY known for revolutionizing the way the electric guitar could be played. He took that instrument to its highest capacity. However, he is not known as a particularly revolutionary composer of new material. Which is not to say that he didn’t write any new material that could be considered “groundbreaking”, but, compared to other songwriters of the same time period (Lennon, McCartney, Townshend, Dylan) that are as famous as him, he has only a handful of songs that could be considered truly original or innovative just as compositions. He was great at juicing up the blues through sonic exploration via the electric guitar and the relatively new concept of “feedback” that developed at that time. And hands down, ISFPs do make some of the greatest rock and blues guitarists the world has ever seen. Examples: Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Keith Richards etc. The world of great guitarists is loaded with ISFPs. But, great composers? Compared to INFJ composers? On the whole. No.
Other examples of INFJ composers/songwriters/musicians:
Felix Mendelssohn (classical composer and contemporary of Chopin)
Roger Waters (Pink Floyd)
Syd Barrett (Pink Floyd)
Jim Morrison (The Doors)
Kurt Cobain (Nirvana)
Lou Reed (Velvet Underground)
Leonard Cohen
Joni Mitchell
Bob Marley
Nick Cave
Tom Waits
Tori Amos
Many of the above people are known for writing innovative and inspired music, but often enough, don’t have any particular prowess or virtuosity on a musical instrument.
This wouldn’t be true with any of the examples I have given of INFJs from the classical period of music for the simple reason that anybody that wanted to compose at that time would have had to be a great player as well.
This is not true in the rock paradigm of music. Or pop music.
Hope that clears some things up. If not, come back at me with intelligent rebuttals.
Was typing Lennon as an INFJ in this comment a typo? I thought you said he was an INTJ. Or have you changed your stance on his typing since then?
No, it wasn’t a typo. I changed me mind. He was a very INTJish INFJ. His astrological chart mimics INTJ in many ways: Aquarius Moon, Mercury in Scorpio, and Libra Sun. The Libra Sun actually mimics ISTJ auxiliary, but, it’s close enough. Lennon definitely had the Te auxiliary look at the height of his fame (Sargent Peppers era when he was very thin, gaunt, and donned his famous granny glasses).
I actually realized that I was describing an INFJ type for Lennon after I wrote that article on The Beatles. If you read the description of Lennon, and especially, the analysis of the song Strawberry Fields Forever, it is totally INFJ what I’m describing. Though, I still think his acerbic acid wit is coming from Te and Mercury in Scorpio (implied Mercury of INTJ). Many INFJs are not as cutting as Lennon was.
But, there is no way an INTJ wrote the songs Lennon wrote in the Beatles, with all their charm, lightness, and poppiness. An INTJ would write more like Lennon’s wife, Yoko Ono, would.
Wow! Nice….thanks… Actually I’m aware that INFJ are natural artists. I just used to think that INFJ are so undefined as individuals (understanding a bit of everything, but never being able to be something whole or clear) that even in art they would be not understood. As if each type had a natural talent and place to fit, except INFJ, that are only observers of everything, unable to express how much they understand whats around. I always thought that overthinking things was their problem when trying to create spontaneous sincere art..I totally see the difference between inspiring art and musical ability. Lennon and Cobain are perfect exemples. By the way, I’ve never seen them typed as INFJ. Or Marley, Barret, Morrison…Thats veeery interesting. Maybe INFJ on drugs are the recipe for genuine art. Thanks a lot
You know, I do overthink the heck out of my written story and over edit, but when it comes to clay or pencil or paint, not really very much at all. If anything it is simple and as precise as feel like making it and occasionally something from a dream or that I’ve seen and want to immortalize in my way. The images are not that fantastic or original in or of themselves, except that they are surreal and I’ve had some people find them odd or disturbing. Others really like it though. This is mostly when I was young in college. Children made that too tricky and I took to the computer to write.
I thought Kurt Cobain was the perfect exemple of an INFP…..About John Lennon, it is kind of weird to think of him as a INFJ…I mean, you definitely see things from a different perspective compared to what is out there in the internet…nice
TinyYellowTree, thats true, i get what you are saying.. you don’t really have to think so much when it comes to materializing images that are spontaneously creating themselves in your thoughts and dreams…
INFJs are soul-sucking demons that steal your heart and crush it so thoroughly it can never be repaired. The only girl I’ve ever truly loved was an INFJ. I’ve never been the same since she had her way with me, and I suppose I never will.
Admittedly, some INFJs are very unhealthy. It’s pretty easy for us to get our funtions out of whack, so to speak. But professing this to be a typical characteristic of an emotionally healthy INFJ is unnecessary and saddening. I’m am so sorry that you’ve been hurt so deeply… But we are not inherently monsters, I promise you. I hope she gets to a better place and realizes what she has done. No one deserves that.
Thanks, Andrea… I think she’s probably a good enough person to be remorseful, though that doesn’t make the pain any less. I’d been close friends with this one INFJ girl since 2000 (We took MBTI tests many times, she unfailingly scored as an INFJ and I was generally pinned as an INFP); I confessed my feelings in 2007 after being in love with her for several years, but was turned down. In 2009 I fell on hard times and she offered to let me live with her at her apartment. We lived together for close to five years, until I moved out the June of 2014. During those five years she would often bring guys to our apartment as dates, and sometimes have sex with them in our bedroom while I was out in the living room. It was torturous listening to that, or to see her curled up in the arms of another guy in the bed opposite of mine at nighttime and exchanging the occasional kiss. Earlier this year, a mutual friend of ours told me that she’d invited me to her apartment to live with her in the first place because she wanted me to fall more deeply in love with her because she felt powerful when guys liked her, and that she slept with so many other guys while we were living together at the apartment because she enjoys playing around with the feelings of guys that are in love with her. I cut off contact with her immediately after hearing that, but it still hurts just as much as the day I learned the truth.
As an INFJ I just want to say how much I love this article on the subject. I find it refreshingly realistic and accurate and an excellent balance to all the other excessively positive articles on INFJ characteristics. My absolute favorite because it helps me and others to understand that we do have limitations, faults, weaknesses and are often very selfish. So, thanks for the liberation! A good disclaimer and must-read to those who seek to be a friend, partner, or significant other to an INFJ!
I would almost characterize it as a case of “praising with faint damnation.” Really, an INFJ could not have expressed in such an elegant fashion!
Dear Blake,
Thank you.
I found your website after a lot of stalking and prowling, and boy, am glad. I started reading this while on my phone I was trying to book an appointment with a therapist as what I read about INFJs was just a goody-two-shoes description which was never me.
Your text, especially the article on INFJ woman in love, released a valve in me and all the pressure to be ‘good’ rushed out in one hearty laugh of feeling validated. Yes, I am selfish, my conscience is like the flicker of a broken lamp, and I sometimes feel I punish my boyfriend by not letting him go.
I will make a donation and probably seek a consult as soon as I can activate international payment on my card.
Thank you again. Never have I felt so understood.
To live without pretense for even a second seemed like a lifetime of joy.
You are amazing.
I hope you’re not a fucked up INFJ.
And the grammar nerd in me was delighted by your excellent prose.
Loads of love, or is it?
Well, hey now!
Do carry on with your badass self.
One thing that seems to stand out as a theme in the article is a certain abandonment of people and the fact that INFJs seem to leave others with a mere husk of themselves.” I was thinking about this I understand what is meant and how it looks as I have felt I have left that impression to people. I would characterize this as the result of two things, possibly three things. First, I would say I really like people, understanding them, knowing them and their interests. This is great but it is often the case at some point there does not seem to be anything new or interesting happening and at some point you have heard the same comments, jokes, ideas, stories over and over again with no attempt to add something new. I personally enjoy new intellectual, spiritual, and personal growth and see it and when there is nothing new in a person it is hard to keep my attention.
Another point closely related, perhaps the flip side, is that there is a mutual realizing that we are headed in different directions and interests. When the things I am interests in pursuing seem at odds with those who want to be my friends, it is always my areas for personal growth that I choose rather than the friendship. Is this selfish? I guess it could be viewed that way but also is it not selfish to expect someone to compromise their interests, goals of personal growth and vision for themselves just to be a friend? So many of the things that I love to do think and learn are simply not of the least interest to many people, so what do I do? Give up my love of foreign language and literature, thinking and talking about far off destinations, history, great music, comprehensive thought and discussion on politics, spirituality, society, to watch football, Family Guy, and enjoy the generally uncharitable gossip about others that seems to occur in most families and work places? You may as well ask me to give myself a lobotomy. I might sound elitist but I am perfectly willing to accept without criticism or judgment this divergence of interests.
Also related is the fact that sometimes I just plain annoy, irritate, scare, and weary people with my endless searching, thinking, and striving, and the loss of interest is mutual and not so one-sided as presented in the article.
Anyway, just some of my views of how it seems to work with me and the underlying reasons for the phenomenon of abrupt separation from people.
” So many of the things that I love to do think and learn are simply not of the least interest to many people, so what do I do? Give up my love of foreign language and literature, thinking and talking about far off destinations, history, great music, comprehensive thought and discussion on politics, spirituality, society, to watch football, Family Guy, and enjoy the generally uncharitable gossip about others that seems to occur in most families and work places? You may as well ask me to give myself a lobotomy. I might sound elitist but I am perfectly willing to accept without criticism or judgment this divergence of interests.”
BTDT!
Thank you for elegantly putting a simple alternative to the article. Personally, I felt the writer has a pretty stark aversion to INFJ’s or perhaps ambivalence.
For example:
“To hopelessly confuse these poor mortals into thinking that you really care about them when in fact you are one of the most selfish and irresponsible beings on the face of the earth. Thank god you are the rarest of all the types.”
The vitriol is practically squirting out of those lines.
Granted, INFJ’s are difficult people, however, they are not stalking around trying to suck the essence out of unsuspecting neighbors.
They can see and at times understand multi-dimensional planes of reality like 3D chess. Social, Political, Historical, Anecdotal, Scientific, Spiritual. All of these modalities are interpretations of reality and are like a language. When they all line up, it’s pretty awesome.
My point is, Narcissists are incapable of truly knowing themselves and therefore incapable of truly know others. The INFJ is uniquely qualified to know thyself and innately understands others. They are not one in the same and it appears by the few articles I’ve read by Blake here, he’s pushing the Narcissist label on INFJ’s
Just my two cents 🙂
For the umpteenth time, I do not have an aversion to INFJs. I’m not pushing the narcissism label on them. If the shoe fits, wear it. If it don’t, then empathize by walking a mile in another man’s moccasins.
Who cares if I think INFJs are narcissists? Other people think they’re butterflies from heaven.
Hey, I know: INFJs are narcissistic angels from heaven. How you like those apples?
Moreover, many INFJs are INFPs trying to push that label on themselves.
I think INFJs are close to the way I describe them in total on this site. More so than anywhere else I’ve read.
“Butterflys from heaven”! I really do love Blake’s writing! He has good insight. I feel as if he is pretty infjish. I personally think his evaluation is more positive than negative. Hopefully we are not static, but whatever personality type we are, we are not afraid to face our darker and more negative aspects and through this grow into creatures who can make more positive contributions to the world. I welcome criticism for how else can I grow?
I have been reading Blake’s articles for some time now, but think I missed this one. Anyway, as always, I found this article and the comments instructive as well as amusing. I cannot help but laugh at all the comments stating that Blake has been burned by some INFJ woman and the arguments that he is wrong about the workings of the INFJ. Someone said he is describing us as narcissists. I don’t believe he was necessarily going there, but I wouldn’t blame him if he did. Just read some of the comments arguing that INFJs are not like his description at all and countering with a portrait of the INFJs glowing exceptionality. These INFJs concepts of themselves seem like holding onto a fragile belief of themselves as such unique and special creatures that are above it all and in many ways outside of and above humanity, but it is really a fragile self concept that won’t allow challenge or for anyone in to see their flawed little lovely yet sometimes selfish selves. It is so funny and at the same time kind of sad. That said, I think everyone has a little of their own narcissism in them, but most are not to the point of pathology. Having a dash of it, may even be a little healthy.
I think mostly we are shifting sands of utter solace for others and then alternate with ignoring and avoidance in our relationships. Our boundaries are not even. They are at times entirely permeable and then alternate with steel reinforced rigidity. This is a viewpoint is just budding on the horizon of awareness due to what I’m learning here about INFJs and me from Blake and all of the subsequent discussions. All of it is food for thought and gives me awareness of my possible blind spots. I have at times internally shared some of those beliefs, but seeing them from others in print, woke me up to the slight obnoxiousness of it. I’ve already worked on boundaries for decades, but this reminds me of their importance. The slight narcissism that I see in others, no doubt does exist in me. I don’t like it, so I will work to change it.
For what it is worth, this is how I choose to draw from the material here. Do I buy everything Blake or anyone else says hook line and sinker? No, but here I often find enough to run with.
“Intelligent discontent is the mainspring of civilization. Progress is born of agitation. It is agitation or stagnation.” – Eugene V. Debs
Blake, sincerest thanks for your work to keep things agitated and to all who participate to avoid self satisfied stagnation.
Dear Blake,
It’s Thanksgiving and I want to be trite. I need to tell you…that I am thankful…for you.
Your wisdom, your writing, your humor, your intelligence, your sincere motivation to tell it like it is. My life has changed for the better (still in ways that I’m still discovering) ever since I stumbled upon this article and blog 6 months ago.
I will always have the utmost respect for value and truth, and you deliver both. So it is natural that I have respect for you. I know you don’t want to be any sort of role model or guru or leader, but know that you motivate and inspire me nonetheless.
So, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you forever ’til infinity.
Not sure if you celebrated the holiday today, but either way, I hope you had a good day.
I love you, Blake! Rock on!
-M
Thanks Michelle. It’s nice to hear that. Though I don’t want to be seen as a guru, it is gratifying to hear that you are getting a lot out of it. That makes me happy.
My hope is that people will take this information and ultimately do something positive with it.
I agree about people thinking we are such a catch and everyone wants to date me, but in reality I know I’m really not good at long term relationships, even though I deeply love people and have a huge capacity to love. Why is that? How can I fix it?
BTW I am a Pisces Sun Virgo Rising and Scorpio Moon! Venus in Capricorn, Mars in Aries.
You can love deeply and not be good at long-term relationships. Actually, I would say that is a general rule for INFJs. It is not because of lack of feeling that INFJs aren’t good at long-term relationships.
The reason in a nutshell, is because they feel too much and it sinks them or they feel too extensively and want to check out this, that, and the other thing. They get bored.
The way to fix it is via Fe, which is more the latter dynamic in the previous sentence. Take the depth of feeling and pour it out via a medium of art or wider networks of people, as in the helping professions. In the helping professions, at the end of the day, you are alone again. INFJs need interactions with many different sorts of people and issues and setups to feel satiated.
Or they get bored.
Or they love one person too much and get obsessed with them and the relationship. And that causes clinginess, control, subterfuge, and all sorts of fucked up Scorpio Moon dynamics.
Best bet = extensivize the love. Don’t pin it to one other person. This doesn’t mean you can’t have an exclusive relationship with one other special person. But, the two flavors I mentioned above tend to be the norm if an INFJ is banking on that one person they will find – the soulmate – who will save them, and they will save the other person etc. Boredom or obsession. Extremes.
This was amazing. I know I’m repeating what many others have said, yet I feel compelled to say it as well: It is so nice to see a description of the INFJ type which is not all sunshine and unicorns.
I have had almost all of these issues at varying points in my life, and still have *some* of them now. The key to my development has been the other people in my life. My wife (an ENTJ) who put up with all of my stupidity, a boss and good friend (also an ENTJ) who told me not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear, and another good friend (an INTJ) who was a great place to just discuss thoughts and ideas. We were both really good at refining each others views.
I want (and did, though I deleted it all) to go into all of the nitty-gritty details of it, but I decided to just spare everyone. I’m going to be horribly over-simplifying this, but I feel a combination of extraverted thinkers, and my disgust with myself for having hurt those close to me, were the keys to my getting past a lot of these problems. Once I could see myself for what I was, the motivation to fix myself became a hugely driving force.
I still have moments when I become critical of my family, but I am pretty good at restraining that and realizing that what I’m feeling is just my own insecurities about not being perfect, but that it is okay (and even ideal) that we are not perfect creatures, because I feel like it creates a system which drives humanity constantly forward.
Ive been thinking about infj vs infp and when i finally decided that i was more infj, i was thinking BUT IM SO SELFISH. And then this article came on my screen. I dont think i need to make a decision between infj and infp anymore.
I had a ton of trouble with the INF(J/P) split as well. As far as I know, that’s a very common problem for both INFJs and INFPs.
One thing I would caution people about though, is that if you are not really certain of your type, following the “growth” advice for that type may have a negative impact on you rather than a positive one. For example, INFPs are supposed to trust their Fi for decision making but Fi is a terribly unrefined function for an INFJ that may lead you to make some awful decisions, and the same is probably true for an INFP if they attemped to use Fe as their decision making process. It would probably leave their inner world feeling violated.
That’s just my speculation though. Glad you could see the value in Blake’s article, it seems to be hit or miss with some people, but I really liked it too. 🙂
INFP’s growth function is more Ne than Fi. An INFJ wouldn’t be harmed using Ne. An INFJ’s growth function is Fe. An INFP wouldn’t be harmed by Fe. Quite the contrary. Each type’s growth function (auxiliary) is the other’s reorienting function. I know this needs explanation, but, suffice to say, the growth recommendations I make for INFJ wouldn’t harm an INFP. It would probaly be refreshing to them.
I’ve been called the black widow…..i guess acquiring then devouring sums it up!
I guess so
I wouldn’t know
I’m not yo
u
What does it mean for an INFJ to romantically devour someone?
Use your imagination 🙂
LOL…My BS Barometer is seriously going off…
I couldn’t slog through ALL the comments on this article, so I am not sure if anyone addressed the point I find contentious already. Firstly, I overall LOVED this and found it extremely refreshing. I had to do a lot of examining of the functions to truly come to the conclusion that I am an INFJ and not an INTP, and this article was another piece of evidence in that direction. The thing that bothered me about it was not anything said about INFJs, but the way sex workers are portrayed repeatedly throughout the article. I am not sure if the author’s intent is to show how belittling the INFJs attitude towards them is at the core, or the author truly has those feelings of superiority over those who participate in sex work. Regardless, the wording and context are extremely whorephobic. Invalidating sex workers as human beings deserving of respect and dignity in public writing only further reinforces the cultural narrative that people who perform sex work are not worthy of basic humanity. This reinforcement makes it possible, and even encourages, people to consider sex workers disposable and perpetuates a culture in which acts of violence against sex workers is the expectation as opposed to an abhorrence.
What in the living name of holy fuck are you talking about? Are you the Political Correctness Police? It’s people like you that are going to make this world a miserable place. There will be no room to live or breathe. Everyone’s behavior, speech, and even thoughts, will all be monitored. You scare me.
Learn context and tone.
‘
Where is talk about sex workers ?
Kaa, I believe it was the part where an INFJ male would run his tongue over some poor whore’s body. Confusing her. A line I found exquisite in its vividness.
And @ Stella. This is one persons truth and truth leaves us open to fear and anger, damnation and requires much courage. I come here for his honest perception. It is his. As humans many of us will relate, even when it hurts. I see your Fi. I understand what you are saying and have been known to react similarily to my own buttons being pressed. I did not feel disrespect in his telling though. Quite the opposite.
Anyone who believes this to be true of themselves is either terribly deluded or not an INFJ at all.
Blake, stop spewing your poison. If you have an issue with an INFJ you have known, talk to the INFJ about it. You are acting like a ridiculous child. These posts are weak, pathetic, and wormy.
Also, writing classes before trying to describe the INFJ, please- or at least a proofread by someone qualified to offer some constructive feedback. Real INFJs can hardly make it through your posts. If it’s not simply for the lies and hatred you spewed forth from your fingertips, it’s for the fact that your sentences flow about as well as that of a drunken third grader.
Once again, advice from a REAL INFJ, get help for your delusions, your obvious failed relationship (if you can?) and your writing. Until then, stop wasting your breath. Someone with Fe that high has enough Fi to understand that this is about a problem YOU have, not a problem WE have.
On behalf of all true INFJs, and their BEAUTIFUL, ENIGMATIC and (obviously) UNFORGETABLE souls, BACK OFF.
“Anyone who believes this to be true of themselves is either terribly deluded or not an INFJ at all.”
How doth thee knoweth this child?
“Blake, stop spewing your poison. If you have an issue with an INFJ you have known, talk to the INFJ about it.”
OK, I will. Thanks.
“Also, writing classes before trying to describe the INFJ, please- or at least a proofread by someone qualified to offer some constructive feedback.”
I have taken writing classes in college. The general opinion that I have received is that I am a good writer. As a matter of fact, I’ve been told this article is well-written. I don’t know who is an authority on this. I’m writing for the general public, not an academic committee.
“Real INFJs can hardly make it through your posts.”
How do you know who a real INFJ is? Are you the authority for this?
“If it’s not simply for the lies and hatred you spewed forth from your fingertips, it’s for the fact that your sentences flow about as well as that of a drunken third grader.”
I highly doubt that a drunken third grader could write as well as I do.
“Once again, advice from a REAL INFJ, get help for your delusions, your obvious failed relationship (if you can?) and your writing.”
You know how stupid you look in this diatribe of yours? Clue in to your delusion – that you are a REAL INFJ and others that resonate with this article must not be. You know how narrow-minded and insular this statement makes you look?
It is obvious to me that you have the problem. What would that problem be? Well, it is a similar problem to the one that many religious worshipers have – dogmatic overinsistence on what is right and wrong. Without anything to back it up except vitriol, abuse, emotionalism, and appeals to non-existent authorities.
All you are expressing is hatred and personal feelings. Aren’t you accusing me of that?
In short, you are not offering the constructive criticism you pay so much lip service to. Don’t you just want to spew forth your venom? You’re not being at all helpful. Is your only purpose here to act like the child that you accuse me of acting?
Since I keep getting emails I will say that Blake’s comments on INFJs are extremely positive, even in this article. I feel flattered by him. I also appreciate his pointing out possible weaknesses, which helps me more than flattery. I say, if you do not find any value in his assessments, then why waste time trying to refute them?
@ Truth
Nobody expects the MBTI Inquisition!! Our chief weapon is surprise… etc, etc.
I think this is one of the best articles I’ve read about INFJ’s. Although some of the weakness that Blake pointed out hurt me initially, I find myself going back to this article time and time again. Most of what he said resonated with me, and I think the reason why some of what he pointed out had a painful resonance is it really hit home. I think that many of the points Blake pointed out are some of the key strengths and weaknesses of what in general INFJ’s experience. You don’t have to be stuck in them. If you’d like to believe that INFJ’s are just beautiful and enigmatic, and unforgetable soulful people…then let your boat float and go on your merry way. I, on the other hand, believe in the principle of yin & yang; with beauty comes the ugly. I think Blake captures this essence very well with this particular personality type.
Also, Blake is right. He’s not writing for stuffy professors ready to critique his use of grammar and punctuations, he’s writing to public, who for the most cases, don’t give one hoot about right grammar structures. I, for one, think it’s well written, but hey, you probably will judge my writing as well.
I liked this article and read about 3 or 4 of the comments and as an INFJ, who could give 2 fucks about grammer (details like that bore the hell out of a INFJ) I thought it gave a glimpse of the harsher side of this personality. However, I don’t think we treat people carelessly when we find they are not perfect. INFJ’s know that already, believe me. We saw you comin a mile away. It’s just that compatability is crucial to an INFJ ‘s psyche. So no matter how passionate it began, if you are a fool of some sort, we’re outta there. The only perceived cruel part, is when you are not the person we want anymore, we don’t linger in the emotional arena. You are on your own to sort it out and move on… but we can still be friends. 😶
Hi Blake, as an INFJ, I just want to say that your article is really enlightening and relatable, though it dealt quite a blow to my heart (because it is the hard truth).
Until recently, I’d pretty much been the shadow form of INFJ because of past bad experiences with people. My conclusion after soul-searching is that because of these experiences, I immersed myself heavily in introversion.
Hence, I had believed heavily in a world where everything is the way I wanted them to be (Ni). This manifested in a strong feeling which makes me want to change people to become ‘better’ or to live up to their potention, when in fact it forces them to follow my ideals.
I do leave well-meaning husks too. There are times when I actually don’t really care, but still feel obliged to ask about their well-being because I don’t want them to feel lonely or miserable (basically what I’d mostly felt in school during my pre-teens). There, Fe.
And yes, soul-mate search thing. Always felt like I have to search or wait for the ‘one’ to come, and the next moment, condemned to a life of solitude and lack of love.
I agree with your advice to self-express. In fact, it’s one of the reasons that made me a much more healthy and balanced INFJ now. Plus learning to be more honest with my feelings towards others (it’s now a belief of mine that being truthful is being nice), be more open-minded, and accept that the world is flawed and beautiful that way.
Once again, thank you very much for pointing all things beautiful and ugly about INFJs. It’s good to know that we’re not as special as what other websites claimed us to be–we’re all flawed humans in one way or another.
Hi Blake!!
I really liked your article. I am a Lady INFJ in my mid 20’s. And I have to tell you that I pretty much agreed with everything that you said. Except for one. And this is just a me thing. I personally don’t find myself selfish and to be truthful I have never been accused by friends or family of being selfish either. I will say that I have had more than my fair share of life experiences so far that have contributed to expediting my maturity. So, that’s probably a factor. I have on the other hand at times been told that I might be a bit on the sensitive side. But I understand that that part of myself also.
Thanks for your perspective! What is your type if you don’t mind me asking?
Blake,
In this article you wrote that INFJs have Fi attributes, but then you wrote that you had mentioned Fe. Did you make a typographical error? INFJs have Fe, not Fi.
They have both. Read my article Fi in INFJ in INFJ section.
I am an INFJ (my brother is also an INFJ and so is my boyfriend). I absolutely loved this article, as I get older it gets somewhat easier to not always take myself so seriously (99.9% of the time) and this article made me laugh and nod, while mostly thinking that it sounds just like my brother and my boyfriend (see, I made a joke).
Wow! Very accurate! I really like how you wrote this article as i’ve been reading from many sites and you’re the first one to have ever written something like that. Even if i don’t completely want to admit it, i would say everything is true. However, i can’t believe INFJ’s are the least capable type to be in a long term relationship! It’s kind of depressing… Oh well, it’s not that bad, i like being alone too.
Anyway, thanks for having written such an intriguing article, i hope i’ll get to read more of them!
One person said INFJs can’t stay in a long-term relationship and you believe it like poison hidden in candy given to you as a child.
Nice metaphor 🙂
But it must be emphasized that nothing is written in stone about any of the personality types. People can grow, weaknesses can be minimized and even capitalized upon. Even though I consistently always test as an INFJ, I have been happily married for almost thirty years. So, do not think it is not possible at all for INFJs to have long term relationships. It is indeed possible. We do also have a powerful need not to be lonely either.
I do in fact devour people…Always being one step ahead is an amusing advantage.
Great article, by the way.
On the self centered part. They just APPEAR that way to many other types that don’t understand them. First of all not every INFJ is the same but INFJ’s tend to be extremely self aware. They live within themselves. They can become so absorbed into their own thoughts and creativity/ knowledge that they can temporarily forget about the outside world. They can’t help it. This is not the same as being self centered. Self centered people are that way on purpose because they don’t care about anyone else but themselves. Self centered people will use people for their benefit. INFJs care deeply for other people and are highly empathetic. They are the MOST empathetic type. In fact they can be so empathetic it hurts them. Because they feel everything to just an extreme, almost non-human level. In this case they can go into a ‘self preserving mode’ where they distance themselves and may appear cold. This is a subconscious reaction to keep themselves from being torn completely apart inside.
Relationships: Yes they have high expectations but that doesn’t mean they can’t accept faults of others. They are typically not the ‘fling type’. Some may be fine with a fling every now and then but most, if not all of them (even the ones that have flings) ultimately want a strong and lasting relationship. Even if they don’t feel they will find it they still desire it deeply. They are very suitable in a long term relationship IF they find the right person. No not their ‘perfect soulmate’ who never does anything wrong and lives up to every single one of their unrealistic expectations…. They are able to separate their ‘must have traits in a partner’ from the things that don’t matter so much.The thing is INFJs strive to be their best and want others they care about to be their best as well. But that doesn’t mean they don’t realize other people have faults. Being your best isn’t about having no faults or never making a mistake. They realize this. They will often give their partners multiple chances to prove themselves and are quite forgiving. But once their partner has proven they aren’t worthy they are done with them. I’m not talking about ‘unworthy’ as in bad habits like biting your nails. I mean like if they’ve proven themselves to be dishonest, lacking integrity, selfish, uncaring, unfaithful, and so forth. These are the types of things INFJs won’t put up with. They need to be with someone in which there is understanding on both sides. Many INFJs enjoy the company of extroverts rather than other introverts (they get along with other introverts fine. But it just takes longer to establish any sort of relationship and there will be far less communication) but will retreat into themselves if bombarded with too much human interaction. If they are dating an extrovert that person needs to give them their space when they need it. If not the INFJ will become annoyed, bitter and not like the ‘caring angel’ they had been before. It doesn’t mean they don’t care. It doesn’t mean they aren’t or never were interested in you as a person. It’s just that they NEED time to recharge themselves. Many people, especially extroverts, don’t understand how important this is for INFJs. And it could be as simple as them having a few hours or a day to themselves. It doesn’t mean they are going to disappear for days or weeks or months… If an INFJ cares about you and your relationship they will usually communicate with you in one way or another. If just to let you know they are taking some time for themselves. They won’t leave you in the dark. If it’s been a few days or more without contact and you honestly have to wonder wtf is up with them… they are probably thinking about dumping you.
INFJs tend to be the most logical of the feeling types. They have strong feelings but they are able to access situations using logic quite easily and naturally. INFJs usually understand that being emotional does not mean you are devoid of logic just as being logical does not mean you are devoid of emotion. Yes some INFJs are extremely emotional, will react hastily and won’t readily use logic to solve their problems. This seems to happen most often in the INFJs that had a hard upbringing and haven’t learned how to utilize both skills. The ‘defensive INFJs’ if you will. On the flip side some INFJs can appear to be so logical you’ll think they are an INTJs.
Overall INFJs are very hard to pin down.
INFJs are not irresponsible or self centered. They actually DO care about people. They don’t try to ‘trick’ people into relationships. And most of them hate drama or intense romances. A true INFJ is going to be the least manipulative type of person you’ll meet. They are looking for a deep connection and true honestly and openness. This is not something a very manipulative person is capable of. I doubt you’ve actually known that many INFJs. Probably just people who THOUGHT they were.
This is a typical objection to this article. Read through some of the comments and my responses for clarification.
I agree with all of these posts. As an INFJ, I put in the time for a meaningful relationship. If the other person can’t measure up or meet me me at the standard I have set then I tend to drop them and move on to the next person. I still keep a relationship with them, I just don’t have the same intensity or attention I had before. That may be seen as selfish or insensitive by some people. I only want a relationship with people if it has a certain depth to it. If not, I usually don’t bother with it. For me it is OK if someone can’t live up to my expectations for a relationship. Most people cannot. I don’t see it as a fault but as a fact. Again, this can come across as insensitive or self-absorbed. Some people act like I don’t accept people for who they are, put to high expectations on others, and/or expect people to change to meet my needs. None of this is true. I just don’t want to waste my time and energy on a dead end of a relationship that doesn’t meet my needs. Asking or expecting me to be in a relationship including friendships with someone who doesn’t fulfill me is selfish on their part. I DON’T ask or expect people to change for me. I also look for people who meet my needs. To some, they think that is being selfish.
It is funny to me how offensive people regard this evaluation when I find it terribly flattering. However, I think these propensities and the way INFJs may appear to others are good to be aware of so that one can grow beyond them. They are not cast in iron rules of behavior but mere tendencies that can be disciplined and used to ones advantage. I personally have been married for almost 30 years. I found understanding my personality type, as well as that of others, makes me more understanding, pliable, tolerant, and able to recognize we are all works in progress that can grow beyond these weaknesses. The goal is to finely sharpen the strengths to make them stronger and to minimize the weaknesses, which every personality type has. Someone wrote, “INFJs are soul-sucking demons.” I personally believe all personalities that never mature beyond their infantile stages can be “sould-sucking demons.” On the other hand those who recognize their strengths and limitations and capabilities can indeed become like “Life-giving angels.” But it takes a willingness to humbly learn….and persistence.
Allow a bunch of INFJs to congregate, and we get a series of long comments all over the place.
Let me join in… I’ll keep it short.
I’m not sure if you’ve already covered this else where (if so, please direct me thereto), but how does Fe > Se in INFJ compare to Se > Fe as in ESTP? How does a flip in the function priority like that synergize and affect one’s personality manifestation in the end?
And Blake, please do a piece on ESTP – they have the same functions as INFJ but in reverse order. I’ll promise a minimum payment of $5 to fill your unconformable Se, so long as you deliver.
Oh, yes, we are self-centered. What makes us different, if anything, is that we know it, find peace in it, but are most anxious to delve in to see if there is actual evil in it. I would imagine that an ESTP is also self-centered, and they know it, find peace in it, but is too busy enjoying it to ask qualitative questions about it.
Good article.
Tom, I love your comment about our self-centeredness, although I don’t always find peace in it. I sometimes beat myself up for being inwardly self-centered. Maybe, if I stop beating myself up, and just find peace in it, maybe, just maybe, I would become less self-centered. Lol!!! I don’t know if that makes sense.
I think it does. If I could expand on that, I would say that the question we need to ask then is “how” to stop beating ourselves up. We beat ourselves up because we hold ourselves responsible for not embodying our high expectations ourselves. This very framework is the problem. We don’t want to negate the very thing (Ni) that generates ideas behind our high expectations, and we do indeed find peace in there albeit almost subconsciously, but we also do not want to ignore the two intermediate functions and skip right onto Ni’s opposite, Se, which I believe is how the Ni ideas turn into “high expectations” within us. We want to be sure we won’t go against the current that is our functional stack and end up negating that flow that brought us in the first place to acknowledge both that we are self-centered and that we feel anxious and even beat ourselves up. That is not how we stop beating ourselves up. I have a feeling that, instead, we want to go with the flow, even though this very current innate in our type appears to be what is troubling us now. In other words, we need to come to a point where we cease the very attempt to stop beating ourselves up. We need to learn how to abandon what we have been blindly holding onto – our “ego” or illegitimate trust in our own worth. It is an effort not to exhort the effort.
It seems that INFJs have more capacity to reflect upon this very current that makes up every human being. That is perhaps why INFJs are more obsessed with the typology than other personality types (at least my impression so far). In contrast, for ESTPs for example, reflecting upon the current within themselves probably does not come so naturally. Their awareness is directed to elsewhere, such as toward others around them. Instead of beating themselves up, they are more drawn to beating everyone else up. But as if to bring a balance to this, I think the difficulty ESTPs have with self-reflection are also a gift for them, which INFJs do not have, in that there is something of innocence in how they are, like children fully absorbed in their play. And I notice that their emotions and thoughts seem to pour out directly from their heart and mind, perhaps less vocally but in more substantial way, such as how they carry themselves. This capacity of theirs to be truly genuine and authentic touches my heart far deeper than nothing else ever could. And the glimpse of the human beauty they are very skilled at embodying keeps me going forward.
Did you have a bad experience with an INFJ? This seems very negative and not completely true. I am an INFJ and I know that I do legitimately care about people, and I’m not just pretending to be interested in them.
I may just be being sensitive and this is very accurate and I don’t even realize it, but the stuff near the end just doesn’t seem very true to me.
Also, you didn’t mention the one thing that I have found in all my experience with INFJs which is their inherent honesty. This article makes them seem like liars and tricksters which I am almost certain is not true.
Although the secretive thing was spot on. So, not all of it was completely false.
I agree with you. I think the author has a bias towards INFJs in the regard that they’ll gradually lose interest in others. I think he might have had a bad experience with one, is naturally inclined to believe this for some reason, or is shoving everyone into a category. I won’t deny this trait for all INFJs, but even if it were a ubiquitous trait, I think only a few would apply to the extent of which the trait is mentioned in this article.
I am an INFJ and a female. I’m barely 20 years old. I can say that I’ve noticed this characteristic in myself, but not in the way it’s portrayed here. I’ll find a new friend or someone I like and I’ll get so excited that I finally met someone who I have things in common with. It often turns out that they aren’t as interested in this profound connection as I am and they prove me wrong, half of the time barely getting to know me. It wasn’t what I expected and of course I lose interest and gain tremendous disappointment, but I end the relationship respectfully. INFJs are empathetic and long for authenticity, two things that this article didn’t really hit the note on when regarding this specific point.
I read a different article on this site that said INFJs should be polyamorous because we are perfectionists and won’t find what we’re looking for in one person. Okay, some might find that idea attractive, but not all of us. I know I’m picky but I’m a sucker for true love and I won’t settle for just anyone. I’d rather not have anyone at all than settle; I mean, casual relationships are a different story, but I wouldn’t spend my life being polyamorous. This is me personally. I’ve had true love before and I did my best to be a good girlfriend. I know I’ll find true love again. There’s 7 billion people in this world and I’m willing to wait.
Also, I wish the author would keep in mind that we’re individuals and not peg us all into one category. Isn’t this about astrology, too? I’m a virgo and I surely think I’d be different than a scorpio INFJ, for example.
Other than that, I agree with everything. At some points I was taken aback at how accurate the character assessment was. The author is so close, they just need to adopt a more holistic perspective. I’ll definitely be reading more (:
Like a true INFJ, just take what you need from this article and discard the rest 😉 I think you are incredibly insightful for a 20 year old and you definitely don’t need to stop believing in true love. The polyamorous statements did have a spiteful tone to them and you shouldn’t take it as being 100 percent literal. What I will say as an INFJ woman who is a bit older (38) I would give you a piece of advice. I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years and have been completely faithful and loyal, as this is something that INFJ’s get better at as we get older. It has nothing to do with not finding one person who completely satisfies you, it’s being completely satisfied with yourself that causes the disconnect and breakdown of relationships for an INFJ. When we are younger, we need to belong to no one. We don’t need that kind of love just yet, as we still have so much to learn from the universe and the people in it. There is no way an INFJ could find that kind of knowledge early in life. You will at times think that it might be better to consider the idea that instead of one true love, you might have many in life. Until one day you realize that you understand no one is going to suit you perfectly. That’s when you understand you are no longer the student but the teacher! Good luck and Good life dear!
I just recently discovered I am the INFJ personality type at the age of 33. This has resulted in an obsessive stint of internet searching my personality type, which ultimately led me to this article. It is good to find an article on INFJ that could be considered critical/negative. I didn’t try to read through all of the comments, but the amount of responses from Blake are also impressive. That shows how much passion the author has for the subject. I wanted to offer some of my experiences for further insight into INFJ. It might be useful, it might not be.
First, I would like to point out that this particular comment is very important:
“They are protecting the self that they have been painstakingly building up since they were young. To them the self is the most sacred thing imaginable.”
In my less mature days, I was selfish. I attributed this to being a spoiled only child, but in hindsight, maybe it was my personality. When I was 22, I moved across the county away from my family and started a career as a chemical engineer in an oil refinery. This forced me to interact with a myriad of personalities and gave me a chance to redefine myself. As my confidence grew, so did my arrogance. So much so, it started impacting my career and the people around me. This was very apparent to me, but I could not change my ideals in fear on compromising my self. When all of my peers started advancing and getting recognition and I did not despite my best efforts, my desperate need for self improvement started to combat my need for self preservation. This created significant internal conflict for me to the point it could not longer continue and something had to be done. I distinctly remember the day this happened. I asked myself “What if everything I stand for and how I have viewed the world around me is completely wrong?” Then I went to a person who I previously completely dismissed because he did not fit my ideals and asked him for advice. That was a start of a very long journey of self reflection where I attempted to break down my ego piece by piece. If I fast forward 11 years later, I am a manager supervising 8 engineers and my career is advancing nicely. I truly believe I have found my soulmate and married her. The person I asked for advice that day has become a very close friend and mentor and even attended my wedding. He actually reminded me of my ego today, because it is still there. I am really just better at understanding myself now. I think the best I will ever get is having some decent unconscious control over my ego vs. exhausting myself through conscious reminders. But, until I completely broke myself down and started over, I am sure I would not be where I am today. So I guess that would be my input for “here is what they need to do” section. Thats probably too long, but I didn’t know how to make it shorter. Also, reading the Tao Te Ching was pretty helpful along the way. I recommend that book.
Jason, you sound like you could be an INTJ. What thinks you?
I love this article.
Why?
I felt I have embodied much of what was said in it and it expressed what I have had trouble expressing or what I wish others understood.
I would say that often the thing about INFJs dropping people like a hot potato can be exaggerated and even turned around. It is not seldom the case that people, when they get to know me, find me a novelty and like learning more about me and my thoughts and such. They find it refreshing, but when the novelty wears off they can lose interest in me and when I do not bend my life or respond to their wish to integrate me into their lives because I really just want to do my thing, suddenly I am the one who is “out.” Not unforeseeable on my part. I prefer to just enjoy their company for a while and learn about them and vice verse and if they want to follow my thing and if our spheres of interest overlap then it is great but if not that is ok too. I do not feel the need to maintain relationships in a constant state of artificial connection and contrived touch-points out of fear of loneliness but I notice others do.
I totally agree with this assessment. I have found that the “dropping” people comments were largely dramatized and not entirely true. I thought you were exactly right when you said it could be “turned around.” I have found that often times we are left by others, but its the fact that we are usually understanding and ok with that outcome, as INFJ’s have been visiting that idea ‘mentally’ for awhile, way before the other party decided to take action. We are capable of this kind of forethought because we are so attuned to the other person’s psyche that we often sense when there is some kind of disconnect. Any disconnect in emotion or intellect will be seen as a problem to be solved. It becomes an analytical process for an INFJ, which can be misunderstood by others as we become preoccupied with how this might affect our own psyche. That is selfish, but in a self preservation kind of way. Therefore, when they do leave and there are no dramatics and emotional breakdowns from an INFJ, this is somehow perceived as being unemotional and callous. Two things they will never know, we have been preparing for this by analyzing their reasons, and our own role in the split. Second, INFJ’s don’t do drama as a “display” of emotion, positive or negative. INFJ’s are incredibly self contained individuals, and seldom let our ego out rank our reasoning abilities. Something I think the general population simply don’t understand.
The INFJ you describe here is the typical INFJ who is fighting against his shadow. I’m an INFJ and I mostly agree with your post. The thing is… “We are not who you think we are” because, like all of us -humans, not only INFJ -, we fight against our own weaknesses, which, paradoxically, aren’t so weak… I explain :
There is a real war between our natural empathetic tendency and our unpredictable, rude and selfish ESTP shadow. But without his shadow, an INFJ would never be an INFJ… this shadow made our personnality just as much as our “natural tendencies”.
Of course, I don’t say that ESTPs are rednecks, but our shadow is a archaic version, it can truly emerge from our psyche like that, maybe on a more subtle way, more symbolic. And I think this is really perceptible in love relationship.
I knew an ESTP and I could see his behavior in mine. Just on a way that I didn’t really assume.
This is why INFJs, according to me, aren’t really who you think they are. Because, like all of us, we don’t assume our shadow. We prefer to repress it, to deny it. That’s why this shadow “act” under our consciousness, without our knowledge. Yes, we -INFJs- are the monster you describe here. This is our archaic-ESTP side… this is only because the shadow is partially integrated to our personnality.
And this is the path Carl Jung tried to show us, to become more balanced. The path of individuation.
Dear Stellamaze.
First to start with. You know you are an a**hole right? (don’t take that personal, I do not mean it) Because I practically do not understand why you decided to outrageously belittle and criticize the loving, gloriously-portrayed INFJ in such a demeaning manner.
Well, that’s fair enough. They equally deserve that, going all around the world believing they are some kind of precious gems is a total bullshit to me either. I think typologists and every blogger of MBTI are doing a bad job labeling this type as “one in a million”(figuratively). I was surprised when you said these people are in high demand. Like seriously? Are they some sort of mineral resources? Do they have any impact on the stock market? Or are they behind the rising and falling of oil price? Why are you flattering them?
Anyways, you did a great work in your review of the INFJ and I would have rated you 5 out of 5 but the followings are not what an healthy INFJ is (in my own opinion).
“INFJs are extremely self-centered, though no one around them may have any idea of this, unless they get into some kind of long-term relationship with them.”
Here your description of who an INFJ is looks to me like that of a person suffering from one major personality disorder. I totally disagree with you on this. This is tantamount to saying INFJ are narcissists. In fact, INFJ or no INFJ, nobody is supposed to be extremely self-centered. INFJs are not narcissists my dear.
“INFJs are very unforgiving of faults in their lovers or spouses. They will make life a hell for their beloved, and yet it all began under the pretext of heaven.”
You are pretty wrong to pin point the whole community of INFJ as this. INFJs do have high standards but it doesn’t mean they are unforgiving. Again, INFJ or no INFJ, a matured person would know that human beings are not perfect. Being faulty is part of what makes us human, everyone should expect and accept that. And if you truly love a person why would it be hard for you to overlook their faults and accept them for who they are? Or better still correct them in a loving manner, if need be.
“The men will often pick some tragic woman that is a hooker or something like that and try to save her because they see the good in her.”
I believe there are different reasons why a man could be attracted to depressed or sad women. Not because he is an INFJ. For instance it could be because the man is fearful about relationships with strong women and therefore seek out women who are less threatening to him so that he can stay in control. Another possibility is that the man might have an unconscious need and hope to make his significant other happy. The depressing women will give more possibility to the giving, being better receivers and therefore appear to his need. So I don’t agree it is an INFJ thing.
“Express your damn self. By this, I mean through writing, composing, painting, journaling, dancing, and not through running your tongue over some poor whore’s body. You will only confuse her (talking to the guys).”
Do you care to elaborate on what you meant by running your tongue over some poor whore’s body?
-About INFJ not capable of long term relationships: “In the moment, they are genuinely interested in you, and maybe even for quite a while they will continue to be interested. But, there is likely to come a day where all that changes and the INFJ has departed in spirit, and left you with a well-meaning husk of themselves. INFJs seem like some of the most promising people to be in a relationship with, but in practice, they are the least able of all types to be in a long-term relationship”
How did you arrive at this conclusion? What made you say so? Is it because of their idea of finding a soul-mate? I hope you know that INFJs will not enter into a casual relationship, its not their thing, they would rather take their time to find the perfect person for them. I believe they are capable of long term relationship once they have truly found that particular person they can be with. More so, one of the things INFJs find most important is establishing genuine, deep connections with the people they care about, so if an INFJ truly loves a person, I believe they are capable of such relationship. So saying INFJ is not capable of such relationship is baseless. And apart, INFJ will not forget you or leave you heartlessly if you love them. It is not common for the INFJ to end a relationship because they are not often into any and when they had to do it, they are often gentle and modest about it. And will still remember you after the relationship has ended. Moving on is not easy for the INFJs, might seems like century before they get themselves together but when they are done, they are done.
Then your description of INFJ function analysis is something else.
-On Introversion: Well, I agree with you that this type are easily drawn to tragic feelings, that I would based on melancholy or the level of their neuroticism. But then saying they have to get into some dramatic and tragic relationship in order to acquire more materials for their deep researches into human condition is a fallacy. Is it compulsory to get into a relationship before an INFJ can be inspired to write something meaningful about human condition? Of what use is their intuition and imagination? What is the essence of survey? And Does it has to be tragic also?
-On Extraverted Feeling: “To hopelessly confuse these poor mortals into thinking that you really care about them when in fact you are one of the most selfish and irresponsible beings on the face of the earth. Thank god you are the rarest of all the types”
Really? Is that what extraverted feeling is about for the INFJ? This smells like hatred coupled with revenge. Or are you trying to be sarcastic and the same time humorous? Because I don’t understand your view. What you are saying in a nut-shell is INFJs are manipulative, and not just manipulative deliberately manipulative. Anybody can be manipulative, any of the 16 types. Thats a personality disorder and anybody that is manipulative should see a psychologist or a psychiatrist or any trained personnel in such area. It doesn’t has to be bagged to the INFJ.
-On Introverted Thinking: “But, woe betide the INFJ who gets locked into the Tertiary Temptation loop, thereby bypassing their Fe auxiliary function. A rare suffering is in store for them. O, how you were promised heaven, and given hell. Nonetheless, what a ride. ”
Wow! Wow! Wow! Calm down. This looks like some sort of Biblical curses. I believe strongly you do not have to be as rude as you sound in the above statement to drive home your point. I believe there are better ways you could have said that. To be sincere, I could not make much out of it because I didn’t understand it.
To cut log story short, you did a great work, giving a critical assessment of the INFJ, at least something different from the mainstream description of the INFJ. But you would be wrong to say that all INFJs are as you have described in your article and more disappointed if you get to meet INFJs that do not fit into your opinion. A better heading for the article in my own opinion would have been INFJ – the dark side, or the unhealthy INFJ. And I want to assume your article about the INFJ is to supplement the general description of who the INFJ is because I find it shallow enough to be taken as a description of the INFJ type.
Secondly, at many times you went to the extreme in your choice of words, many are rude and you overstressed some of your points. An example is where you said INFJs are extremely self-centered. That sounds like you are very sure of what you are saying and you have enough facts to back it up even when the MBTI itself is a regarded as unscientific.
Lastly, your approach is not friendly and use less abusive and aggressive words please. These people are very sensitive just in case it skipped your mind. And also try and be more impersonal and objective in your judgment.
My apologies, I have to ask, what is your MBTI type? You sound like someone that has an issue with INFJ.
And to the public, please let’s not take any piece of information on the Internet hook, line and sinker. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion though. And in my own opinion I do not think a four letter word is enough to describe the personality of a person not to talk of grouping a wide range of people under it.
#peaceout
Who thinks Blake might be INFJ?
☝Erik. I wonder how he was able to write such about the INFJ with much confidence. Obviously he did not get those points just by reading the description of the INFJ from a website or from mere thoughts without having a profound experience of who the INFJ is. I could not think of any justifiable reason than to assume he is an INFJ that has passed through such ordeals or probably had been in a repationship with one, but am as sure as hell, he wrote from experience. Also, I wonder, what could have led him to astrology and mbti, if not instropection maintained by a constant thirst for self discovery. Just some ????
TheMADTHOUSE,
There is nothing “personal” in Blake’s descriptions of INFJ here. What you see is a maturity of the writer.
He is able to detach himself from the label of INFJ, look within with his own eyes, and not turning away from the internal processes and inclinations he finds there, present his findings so that we can try doing the same to check on our own, to better understand ourselves. The “rude” and “extreme” choice of words are not criticisms. They are, in fact, the indications to the contrary – It is because he is objective that he can use them. And that is actually serving as the warnings and the reminders that we the INFJ readers should also be objective and not take ourselves seriously so that we can see better.
That means that, if there is anyone who is taking things personally from this article, it really is the reader. The reason that you are implying that you are “sensitive” and asking him to be “friendly” are the signs that you are still allowing your own “worth” to depend on someone/something from without, such as the label of “INFJ” and articles that give sensitive and friendly praises to this label, which immediately translates into your own existence. When the label is attacked, you feel you are attacked, because you don’t want to separate yourself from the label. The cause of your fury lies within you.
I am an INFJ myself. I don’t care whether an article appears as praises or criticisms. The only thing I look for is honest and authentic evaluations. All these descriptions are indeed true. I am at least aware of them, and that, to me, makes a whole a lot of difference in who we are and can become. The last thing I want to do is to deceive myself just so that I feel better.
This comment was perfect.
Blake is much too smart even for you INFJs because he is an INFJ of INFJs, at least perhaps. You just need to look at his mad insight and writing skills. He is playing games with young and immature INFJs. There are thousands of overly positive and effusive characterizations of INFJs on the internet, yet no INFJ writes a comment about how unbalanced and unrealistic it is, when we know ourselves that INFJs, just like all other personality types are deeply flawed individuals and like all such persons, it takes a life-time of growth to recognize and learn from our mistakes and weaknesses, and to grow into a mature person. It is the same for every type, all of which play an important role on this earth. Yet, everyone pounces on this one more realistic and helpful characterization which I actually find extremely gracious. It is my favorite anyway. “Prepare to be amazed and enmazed and dazed and stunned beyond your ability to endure. Yes, INFJs are magic and Ni is responsible. To see into the heart of any matter or being. To know without knowing how you know. To be inspired to the heights of heaven. To see heaven in a wild flower and eternity in an hour.” What could be more positive and complimentary than that? He knows he is baiting you and getting you to prove the very thing you are trying to deny: your narcissism, selfishness and immaturity. Do not take it too seriously. Just learn that eventually it is you yourself who has the power to define yourself, your identity, what you value, who and what you are about….not some writing on the internet. You are free to be who you want to be and do not need to prove anything to anyone.
And indeed one of my favorite pastimes is indeed hiking in the Austrian Alps and gazing at heaven in all the beautiful wildflowers, red, yellow, blue, purple, white…they kind of hypnotize me and slow my pace…
This post is so old and still inspiring comments. It’s funny and true. I like your advice to do art and find ways to give that are less personal, which helps in reducing my ever-hovering desire to create obsession in others’ hearts. I am grateful to Christ for the redemption he gives for my devouring inclinations. Without that I would be a destructive force like no other. But I let them go as I fling myself spiritually into the safety of that great love.
Exactly! Debby.
Although I don’t like labels ( INFJ, ISTP, etc) because they tend to make me assuming and defeat the thrill of actually knowing people, this article is in fact truth. I had to question my desire to know and understand people and what I eventually do with that information.I am seriously grateful for Christ’s redemptive power because I was very self-centered. An angel with a grey heart and black soul, but that dark soul gets brighter by the day and I can love because I am a child of LOVE ( God).
INFJs are probably the ones who most likely have started the grand idea of romance in the institution of marriage. It is perhaps the flip side of this, that we seem to have the most difficulty living up to our ideals in the relationship (and end up being convinced that we detest it)! Just my suspicion.
I have a bit different perspective on what you said about our empathy, Josie. I am a male INFJ, and I, too, have so striven hard to understand and connect with people all my life. I, too, have given so much, sacrificed so much, placed their happiness above my own, almost all the time. But I don’t think this is because we are generous, empathetic, and forgiving in nature. We may actually be, but I wager that for the most part, this is just an appearance. The truth, I believe, is that we have far more difficulties than others in locating our core that is truly our own selves.
All the giving and striving to connect on our part, to me, is first and foremost, an indication that we actually know subconsciously that we don’t have our core that is truly our own selves. This absence of our core provides the contrast, against which the cores of others appear prominent to our perception. The appearance is that we are particularly empathetic – such a wonderful people – but the truth is that we are missing something essential for us to partake in a good meaningful relationship. I think it is for this reason that we don’t have a lot of choice in all the giving and sacrificing. Authentic giving and sacrifices must be based on one’s free will, but do we act from our free will? I don’t think we do… We just can’t help feeling that that we are always “giving” and “sacrificing.”
In my opinion, building a firewall (acting rough and tough, or withdrawing, or dwelling on our self-proclaimed superiority) will not help us. They will only blind us. Firewalls are symptomatic in approach; we need curative one. We need to understand that an ability to sense what others want is an important ingredient of a good relationship, but it is only a half of what a good relationship is made of. The other half is our core, and we need to build it, and we need a lot more effort to build it than other types do. And I think Blake has been giving a few hints as to how we can build our core.
Please do not confuse building a firewall with isolation. My point is that we can be with people with toxic attitudes and emotions without being susceptible to them . In fact it is absolutely necessary to helping them.
erik, yes indeed, we can learn to be able to be even with people with toxic attitudes and emotions without being bruised by them ourselves. In the word, firewall, I was noticing and referring to that reactionary attitude. Isolation may be either reactionary or “actionary” – whatever it is, what we need is the core – the ground from which we primarily act, instead of react. As long as we act, I say it is totally fine that some stranger’s bad day becomes our bad day. Then I think our empathy becomes authentic (and people will start calling you a saint).
Being able to hold onto yourself just enough to not being totally inducted into another person’s mood. If you are or allow yourself to go there, having a way to shrug it off afterwards and step back into yourself is a helpful tool that takes a while to hone. It takes practice. That said, as much as I prize myself on empathy, I really dislike being called a “saint” or “sweet.” It sounds so milquetoast and boring to me. When it happens, I cringe inside just a little even as I smile and deny the label. Others probably assume I am being modest, but that is not so either. I guess, “I have my moments” is the best reply because that is a little closer to the truth. Is that just me?
The other day Rita replied to a comment I made on a different article and referred to me as a mother Mary. It made me cringe and honestly, loathe my self. I think the whole comment I had made was trying to say I’M NOT A MOTHER MARY. Far from it. I work hard to honor the commitments I made to people many years ago but inside, I really just want to run away. I agree with Tom. We are lacking a solid core. I feel I’m always authentic during interactions with people. Always. But when I’m alone and have time to reflect, I realize sooo much of what I was feeling and saying and doing was other people’s stuff. In the moment it feels like I own it but afterwards I see that’s not true. The words and thoughts and feelings are authentic, they just don’t belong to me or they are spoken for someone else’s benefit. I am very aware and mindful of how incredibly sensitive I am to my environment and it still happens a lot. I actually wonder if the reason we have a hard time staying in relationships is because the other person stops seeing us as perfect and the whole time we’ve just been feeling their feelings. I shouldn’t say we, I don’t want to speak for other people. But I believe this to be true for myself. As long as the other person in the relationship with me is deliriously happy (Venus in cancer Blake talked about) I felt that way too. But when the new wears off and the other person stops feeling that way, so do I. When I was younger I would twist myself like a pretzel trying to get that person to feel that way about me again. In all fairness, I haven’t been in a new relationship in a long time and I certainly know myself so much better, I want to believe if I ever get the chance to be in a new relationship I would approach it with better understanding and choose a partner more capable of understanding who I really am………..God, why do I always come on here and bear my soul. The truth is every relationship I’ve been in was with people who pursued me for weeks, months and one guy for two years. My point is, these guys were way more into me than I was them but after spending time with them I started to feel the same way about them. At the end of the relationship I would look back and think what the hell was that all about. Why was I even with him…….. I got caught up in their feelings and took them for my own. There’s only been two people I’ve ever met that I had instantaneous feelings for and unfortunately I was unable to explore a relationship with either so I don’t know if it would be different. I know I have more to learn.
You know I want to clarify something. I usually don’t mistake feelings from casual interactions for my own. I’m talking about close relationships. I’m very much aware in social situations whose feeling what. I work every day on having a stronger core self. I wish I weren’t so mutable and there seems to be certain people who always overwhelm me. Tomorrow is another day, I’ll try again.
Just for the record, I never referred to you as Mother Mary! I said, even an extroverted sensor with a heavy dose of Mother Mary would feel overwhelmed with so much responsibility or demands on her energy as you have. The words aren’t exact as I wrote them, I certainly did not refer to you as Mother Mary! I just was just trying to refer to the fact that your feeling overwhelmed makes sense. Especially as an INFJ who needs reflection time and solitude to some degree.
Michelle,
You sound like a very nice, decent person. I don’t think there is anything wrong with “bearing your soul” on here, this should be a safe place where we can discuss all of the aspects of ourselves without criticism or shame. I think we are quite hard on ourselves, maybe a little more than others, maybe a little more than we ought to be. I feel the same way at times with certain people. Like the world is a stage. I don’t think you have to give your coworkers, drive thru workers, the vet, or the receptionist everything we are. How do you know they are giving you all of themselves? Most likely we all participate in our daily roles with as much of ourselves as is required and not an ounce more. I deeply understand the “disconnect” that you speak of, but I wonder how many people feel the same way. I felt “on” when I was at school, but as soon as I would get home, I felt disconnected again. It could be just the environment. It required us to be in the moment, so we were. We get home and we can fall back into ourselves. Maybe like me, you long for people or situations that will keep you in the moment. This might come from a lack of connection you feel at home, that you get elsewhere. As far as giving into others feelings, I heard a statement once, that has stuck with me over the years, “don’t be so impressed with your own emotions” I think this fits an INFJ to the “t.” We get so wrapped up in how we are feeling, that it becomes some kind of event. You should be impressed with the love someone has for you, more so than the love you have for them. It’s a signifier of spiritual growth. I’m not saying that you should act on beliefs that you don’t have, but that it is quite alright to respect the fact that someone out there cares deeply for you and if we choose to honor that, we can learn so much more about ourselves than if we only were with people that we chose to love. When my boyfriend bores me to death, or I feel underwhelmed, I remember how much he loves me and that is enough to set me straight again. When my child acts like a nut, I remember to be impressed by the fact that he chose me to be his mother. That gives me the patience I need to go on. Somehow, those kids chose you, your husband chose you, your boss chose you. Be impressed with that. Honor that. Respect that.
“Don’t be impressed with your own emotions.” Interesting but, this doesn’t apply to me. My own emotions rather escape me. I’d love to have enough of it to be impressed with!
What I always feel is emotions of others (and the emotions of mine in reaction to and dependent on them). My own independent emotions are not immediately available to my perception. I often feel like a robot. (Is this what you call Fi, is it?)
Michelle, do you know what causes the disconnect you talk about? How exactly do you fight it? What do you tell yourself? Sorry to ask again if you have already mentioned elsewhere (I should read more of these comments…)
Michelle, who are these certain people who always overwhelm you like?
I dislike the word “saint”, too, and yes, it is boring (probably not the right word to have thrown in there…) That said, I don’t think the pictures we have come to so often associate with this word is very authentic to start with. It’s been misused, its meaning diluted into something abstract and non-human. It’s kind of like how the word “hero” is used these days, which, as far as I am concerned, has long lost its genuine flavour. I don’t ever subscribe to the ideas of any of these words myself at all, but I wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea of “authenticity.” And to me, this authenticity requires that I have my core.
I can relate a lot to Michelle’s frustration. What I am beginning to see these days is that we are looking in the wrong direction. Our core will not be obtained as long as we look for it. Similarly, the kind of relationship we want will not be possible as long as we look for it. It is because these things we want are essentially an effect – something that results from something other than itself. If we want a certain effect, the last place we want to look at is that very effect. What we want to look to instead is the cause, which will be different from this effect.
This cause is what gives us the ability to sort of ‘shrug it off’ like Rita puts it. For me, this cause is found in the realm that precedes our extroverted feeling. When my Ni is inspired and activated, I sense my core coming to emerge. I am no longer worried about others and their feelings, but the way I engage with others becomes more smooth, courteous, but assertive. If I make any errors, I do not automatically kick myself for it but can ‘shrug it off’ now. And I really feel authentic and sincere showing my affections because I can now feel my affections, dammit.
I just hope that it lasts longer… How do we do it? Getting better but still a lot more homework to do.
I’m not sure where this ‘saintly’ perception is coming from. I’ve met plenty of people who I know aren’t INFJ’s and they are way more empathetic than I. So I don’t want to see people suffer, if I can help then I will. If I can use my mistakes to help someone else avoid the same, then I intervene with kind words and the wisdom that comes from experience. I however will not be manipulated, taken for granted or treated less than what I feel I’ve earned in my life. I can and have walked away from toxic people and situations. It takes me forever to forgive someone who has crossed me and I occasionally indulge in revenge fantasies. I also occasionally indulge in hero fantasies… doesn’t everyone? I’m fantastically intuitive but not always centered enough to use it, although I have honed this skill over the years. If there was anything truly unique about us, it would be our awareness of this extra ‘sensory’ ability. Kind of like a dog. I’m not kidding, it’s a very primal blueprint that belongs soley to the INFJ’s. I don’t know why, other than it had to go somewhere. Solitude is good for our souls, simply because we walk this earth feeling like aliens most of the time, and the volatile (scattered, inconsistent, unpredictable) energy of those around us, takes a toll. But that speaks more of introversion than anything else. I like people, I even love some of them, but I don’t give them all of myself not because of some pathology but because I don’t want to or have to. If that makes me some big mystery, then that is their perception and when they cant crack the code and get pissed, its their problem. One doesn’t go around declaring themselves a mystery. They saw it that way and wanted it but didn’t realize they were getting the real McCoy. That a ‘husk’ does not make. I’m real, I’m here, I have feelings, I empathize but occasionally I’m selfish with my thoughts and feelings. I’m sorry that I can pick up on your vibes, believe me it can be intrusive upon my own needs. Get it together and learn how to ‘blend’ in like a champ. Stop whining, and if I think you are a punk, you will see the disgust in my eyes. No mystery there.
Rita, didn’t mean to misquote you. I was using it as an example of how much I hate being called a “Saint” or “mother Mary”. Having three adopted children, I hear terms like those a lot. As soon as someone finds out they start gushing over me and I hate it. I didn’t adopt these children out of some bigger calling. I did it because I wanted children and I couldn’t get pregnant. Doesn’t make me a saint, really just makes me human. Of course I also experience the darker side of adopting from the foster care system. When I go into school meetings and disclose my child has PTSD and other diagnosis the contempt and judgement I receive from people is enormous. Then when I say they’re adopted…. I suddenly become a saint. Uugghh!! I hate it. What I really want to say is I’m not hear for your judgement or praise, I’m here to find out how we are going to help my child. It’s not about me. Above Jennifer said something about not giving all of herself. Situations like I’m talking about above is the perfect example of me not giving all of myself. When I do my job, as an employee or mom, or wife or whatever role I’m in at any given time, it’s not about me. It’s about them. On good days I, the person on the inside, mix with the role I’m playing and I stay balanced and true. On not so good days, I’m just playing a role in the movie of life. Who I am on the inside is completely hidden or “husked”. Most people, in fact, I think no one recognizes when this happens. Sometimes not even me. That’s when I get into pretzel mode. I’m so disconnected, not disassociated just disconnected from myself that I shape shift into whoever I need to be. When I break free from my husk I feel devastated and betrayed by my own self. I fight this all the time. And I will continue working on manifesting my true self as often as I can. As I said before, I still have a lot to learn.
Dear Jaded Author…
While you very obviously have an understanding of INFJ’s- your personal bias shines through. I wonder if an INFJ wounded you at some point or perhaps you met a wounded one and thus had some horrible, borderline or narcissistic experience. I have and can relate. Because you make mention of a lot of the darker sides in almost a joking fashion. There is always the unhealthy person in each personality group- and this must not be mistaken for the fundamentals of the type itself.
I just wanted to say something simply to you: there are plenty of INFJ’s who are pure, well meaning and truly want to do good in the world, and work very hard to do so. I am NOT perfect, I’ve done plenty of effed up stuff in my life and I have certainly swung back and forth from that pure aspect, to my wounded ego. My conflicting dynamics have certainly made me be/behave in ways I’m not proud of. But make no mistake, there are those of us that keep purifying ourselves each and every day for the sake of those we love, ourselves, and truth. We all have our down falls, but not everyone loves, accepts and keeps going with their eyes wide open.
Please remember that there is a wide array of variances on each type, with each person. Many of us aren’t conscious enough of our darker selves to really own that and be something more in the world. Some of us are.
I tend to believe that INFJ’s are meant to be mirrors, to show ourselves and the world what we need most to grow. I can’t lie to myself, and I would hate myself if I were a bad person, mother, professional– it would eat at me. I’m not sure your opinions cast a wide enough net to truly capture the true nature of INFJ’s. Somethings are brilliant here- others are very obviously skewed with your darker feelings/opinions.
M
Emilie, I am afraid that you don’t know that you don’t know.
I’m beginning to wonder if typology is doing more harm than good to INFJ’s (or for that matter, any type).
Typologies of any sorts are seductive; they describe you for you for so long as you give in to its seduction, especially when the descriptions are seductive themselves. But we are the ones who are supposed to describe us for ourselves in the end; typologies help us in this endeavour; they don’t dictate us. Aren’t these two completely different in approach?
Again the same recurring theme in my mind… Do you act, or do you just react?
Tom,
I wonder too? Sometimes it seems the broad categories are enough and wonder why I don’t stop there? You know: NF, SP, SJ, NT. Or keep it to the categories of the MBTI alone before cognitive functions? Yet, I waste hours contemplating the cognitive functions, their order, and display? Do they help? Yes and no.
Maybe we should measure ourselves with the Big 5, our birth chart, or our true colors. There are all sorts of ways to categorize, label, and evaluate ourselves. We do this, but sometimes I wonder if broad strokes are best. Still, I keep digging in and turning each discovery over hoping to integrate it in some way. But yeah, I wonder too…..
My working theory is that many people in the INFJ realm feel like weird aliens, not like other people, disconnected from the world in various ways. Then some of them find a typing system like MBTI and they see some of the flowery language used to describe the specialness of INFJs and it must be like a light breaking through the clouds – see, they aren’t broken! They’re actually extra amazing, more amazing than everyone else! They’re The Chosen Ones! Naturally, any slightly off-kilter view of things at that point is a direct threat to the ego.
@Tom: “But we are the ones who are supposed to describe us for ourselves in the end; typologies help us in this endeavour; they don’t dictate us. Aren’t these two completely different in approach?”
Yes, that’s very true. You see very similar drama happening in places on the internet where women (mostly women, at least) are talking about personal style, best colors, makeup, etc. Things get particularly intense and dramatic when a typology system is involved. People can get extraordinarily attached to a type and feel extremely threatened whenever anyone disagrees with their assessment of it.
@Rita – I think the digging and digging and digging is a natural and maybe unavoidable issue for certain types of people (possibly INFJs, possibly not, WHO KNOWS) – many, many times in my life I have done this cycle of digging and digging and digging. Often, eventually, it snaps into place for me and I understand something in a holistic way. It’s very nearly binary: a long period of gathering points of view, reading reading reading thinking reading thinking, and then one day the clouds part and I can internalize a whole understanding of a system or dynamic. I used to find it very frustrating, but I’m coming to realize that for whatever reason my brain can’t really have the deep understanding without the digging digging digging phase.
Rita,
To me, this is about where to start. Do we start from typology, or do we start from our own life experiences? What dictates you from without, or what dictates you from within – Where do you start? Whichever it is, once we start, these things can – and should – go back and forth telling each other how things are, and in this going back and forth, we learn something new. We may learn something we didn’t see in our life experiences before, or we may learn something we didn’t see in the typology before (typology is a theory – it is and always should be subject to corrections). But however that going back and forth may take place, there is only one starting point. And that, to me, is our own life experience, and that is how personality typology grabbed my attention several months ago. Typology came out of the blue and described my life experience like nobody else did.
What SeeTheElephant pointed out is true with me in that I had always felt I was just a very strange person. I had long thought that this was just unfortunate random fate of mine. I was even half convinced that there was probably something mentally wrong in how my mind was formed. I played the doctor and the patient in my mind at the same time, for as long as I could remember. I wanted to understand what is going on. I just wanted to connect better with the rest of the world.
That half-conviction that I was sick all changed when I took the personality test and read the descriptions from various sources as to what INFJ is like – not as an adult but even as a child, young adult, etc. The accuracy of these descriptions was way too specific for me to ignore. Suddenly there is a very credible framework through which I can diagnose myself. And what’s more, I am not “sick”. Tears… A lot of tears down my cheek. I could not stop it that night for a long while.
My goal is to connect with the world and people in it. My goal is not to make me just feel better by allowing a theory to declare to the world that I am wonderful. To me, that would not solve my problem. That would instead aggravate the gap of the disconnect I want to bridge. I have absolutely no interest in using “INFJ” with its seductive descriptions to please myself. (I enjoyed the Psychology Today article, Rita – Good food for thought indeed).
Anyways, for me, my life experience is always my starting point. I need constantly to refer to it whenever I read something about the typology. If I stopped that, it would feel like a sink hole suddenly appeared under my feet. I would lose my authenticity. And, quite frankly, articles and comments that don’t seem to be referring to the life experiences of the authors always sound fake and silly to me. I will have none of it. Blake’s articles are not like that, for which I thank him.
So I think we are ok. Let’s keep digging and digging with full force. Let’s keep trying to integrate discoveries we make. Let’s build the bridge to the world with people in it, not because we want to be praised but simply because we want to connect with them – nothing more and nothing less.
Hi Tom & all who posted reply…
I actually love “typing” with people and I’ll explain why. I’ve been working as an HR Executive, recruiter and life coach for MANY years. I’ve found that what makes people successful in a specific vocation- is often constitutional. Further, as I managed workplace conflicts and even developing performance enhancing mechanisms, these “types” and constitutions became even more relevant. So while yes, there is always an array of variance in each category, I do fundamentally believe in typing because it has proven to work, at least in my work, over and over. It helps my clients accept themselves and work within their limits and needs. It’s really served my work. I use mostly DISC and MB.
As it relates to INFJ’s- for me personally- it helped a great deal understand my own nature and work with it. When I read MB for the first time I began to understand my nature on a whole new level. It really helped the weird “alien” in me feel like I actually had a place in the world.
I also find that other types are triggered by the so called “uniqueness” of INFJ’s and often like to make less then kind, respectful comments about us– even as much as they say we love to feel so “special”. To me they don’t understand the deep underlying uneasiness that most of us feel in the world when we try to relate to society and “normal people”. We don’t feel special– and if understanding ourselves about our nature makes us just feel “ok” or at least have a place- then that is all I really care for. Just because MB says we are special- doesn’t mean we feel that nor have big egos– and we certainly aren’t lying about our insights and experiences. Don’t put me on a pedestal- let me share my thoughts and revel in insight- but I DON’T want the attention and I think a lot of us feel that way.
This has been a fantastic conversation yall! Thanks!
Emilie, as an HR executive do you administer the MBTI in its regular form? I use an official form with clients but it does not go into cognitive functions, so I wondered. If you are like many of us, you have felt somewhat odd in someways because INFJs do experience the world differently from many other types, so this discovery of type can feel like an affirmation that we are not broken and that there are others who are are made like us. It is an affirmation that we do have something to offer the world, but some INFJs seem to take this too far or utilize their preferred functions to the point that they alienate themselves from themselves and others. Or they buy the unicorn bits to bolster their sense of specialness. I maintain that this is not healthy. I am not accusing you of this, because it is evident that you appreciate some of what he has to say. Sites like Blake’s are popular because in the search for understanding, the repetitive positive and glowing posts that are generally found sometimes leaves something out. Some of us really crave the good, bad, and ugly. Even when it is more extreme than some of us, there are nuggets of truth found nowhere else.
If you read some of Blake’s replies to the comments, you will see that he has not been in a destructive relationship with an INFJ as so many suppose. He is trusting us to take what fits and decide for ourselves. I would agree his examples are sometimes extreme and certainly do not fit all INFJs, but in extremes sometimes one can find the grains of truth. I see that you appreciate some of these, like many of his readers.
Anyway, my biggest question is about the MBTI test. Do you get into cognitive functions? How important do you see these as a general rule for HR purposes?
Hi Rita 🙂
First, I’ll answer your questions about the MBTI relating to HR and my work. No, I have not used it as a standardized test in corporate work relating to overall OD or hiring strategies. I have used it as a team building mechanism, as well as with my life/career coaching clients. I have used the DISC assessment much more in corporate environment. It is a very simple, good type indicator of certain constitutional factors that show up for individuals when it comes to their professional/work life and relationships. I feel MBTI to be superior- but being that it is really an overall personal assessment, and quite complicated and personal, I don’t find it very appropriate when working in an organization, on a larger scale. But it is FABULOUS with my life/career coaching clients.
The point I wanted to make was simply this: I coach a lot of people personally and professionally. Often, what I have found, is that a person is “good at” or “successful at” things that are inherent in their nature or constitution. I’ll give you an example: I work for Total Woman Gym & Spa. I am working with our VP/Ops to redesign our spa compensation and performance plans. VP of Operations and CEO want massage therapists to up sale services and hold them accountable each month to a certain sales goal. They have been having a really hard time getting these folks to perform- while other individuals in other roles (Membership coach, customer service, fitness managers) are killing it. So my guidance has been that they can’t make a healer a sales person– you must leverage their nature and their gifts. We must make them successful based on who they are and not force them to be something, and do something, that they are not. In the DISC model- when someone is stretched too far beyond their nature, it causes stress. It’s ok for a short time, but long term you must assess if that is the best path for the individual.
AND lastly….
lol when I was younger, and unhealthy I certainly leveraged my INFJ gifts to bolster my identity and feel safe- but it did ultimately alienate me from other people and myself. I’ve done a tremendous amount of healing, and I’d like to think that I care less what people think now, and don’t have a need to feel special anymore. Lol in some ways I realize I’m not that different then a lot of people- like most INFJ’s feel. At some point you drop the bullshit and step into the world. As INFJ’s we have an amazing ability to connect, morph and integrate into people’s lives and cultures. Once we get over ourselves a bit, and perhaps heal, we are able to connect to our gifts without it inflating the ego and pissing everyone off. Yes we are unique, but that doesn’t mean we are more special then anyone else, or above neurosis.
I really have enjoyed this conversation. I don’t seek information that is only positive about anything– in fact, I crave neutral information that isn’t tainted. I love this website http://www.personalityjunkie.com because it presents NEUTRAL MB information. My problem with this specific article is minimal– as I said, there is a lot of brilliant insight here. But there is obviously, due to specific things the author say, a dark/negative personal view of certain aspects of INFJ’s- inspite of the fact that the author says he likes them. So while I think his insights are great in some regard, I do not think this author REALLY understands an INFJ. I find that the things that I disagree with him on are, as I perceive them from this limited view- misunderstandings on INFJ’s.
To end today’s thought, another person who commented on this thread summarized reaction to this article so perfectly– and I apologize for a lengthy response but it really articulated what I meant. This person is ALSO so insightful!
“INFJ here. I’m sure like all INFJs, I can see truth in all of the opinions above. Like all INFJs, I also am protective about what I consider to be my ‘powers’ thus degraded, and even in the truth, I find bitterness. In this way:
Every maturing INFJ has found that intuition and extraverted feeling are frightening; a great power that can be used properly to great benefit to humanity, or a great power that can be used to destroy worlds. Stating that fact, as I just have, would seem to anyone else to be the pinnacle of arrogance, self-aggrandizement, vanity. And that, primarily, is one of the reasons why INFJs hide, not just because we are very sensitive to the judgement of others and would abhor to be thus disdained (which is very true), but also because if people see the power then they will insulate from it, and will thereby put themselves beyond our influence, because, basically, no one would want to be at the mercy of a greater force. So just as an INFJ would eternally fear to be set-up against an INTP in a world of details and analysis, or an INTJ in a world of scientific systems, or an ENTP in a world of inventions, so too would any other type fear to be placed against a master of empathy, against the one who understands the motivations of those around them, and the one with the power to push levers to make people into what they most desire to be, or the opposite.
And so the element of expediency, self-preservation that you call out should be understood in this context. These are people who wield big sticks, but who would rather operate through incentives to achieve an ultimate goal.
And that goal tends to be, as Riah mentions above, for the health INFJ, betterment. Betterment of the world first, betterment of the self and of those one can influence for the better.
But this goal for the unhealthy INFJ can be adverse and malignant. It can be the use of the powers for dominion. An excellent example of this to me is always the story of Galadriel, in the books or in the film, who wanted betterment and was offered the One Ring; this ring would have taken her powers to the next level, unleashing a terrible force. She passed the test, and rejected the ring. She chose influence over big sticks; she did what a healthy INFJ must do, which is to place the betterment of humanity first.
As you mention Blake, individual people come far behind in the priorities for INFJs, and there can be a lot of turn-over in relationships because of this. If an INFJ does not find someone who is aligned to the greater vision, then the relationship is a mistake. Ultimately, the people around the INFJ comprise a suite of weapons, warriors to help in the fight for the betterment of the world; and those who cannot live up to the challenge are forcefully improved (manipulated) or discarded, yes. But this is not selfish, in that it is not done in the interests of self; it is collateral, in that it is done in the interests of greater good.
But the kicker is that the true soulmate understands; and the true soulmate is therefore venerated within the world of the INFJ to the level of sainthood. The one who is worthy to walk with the INFJ in this great adventure will never be manipulated or discarded, but will receive the greatest love achievable; for the INFJ lover will spare no effort to comfort his soulmate, and will use all powers and mastery wrought of empathy towards the ultimate benefit of this mate.
Therefore all the contentions above are valid, but are all flawed for a lacking in depth and real understanding of the vocation that unfortunately comes with being INFJ, for better or for worse, and the incessant immutable undying love by the INFJ for the partner that merits it.”
Emilie,
Thank you for your reply and MBTI and about your position as an H.R. executive. I used to work with a lot of H.R. Executives as an EAP counselor and I appreciated best the H.R. personnel, who like you, could recognize the merits of individuals and advocate for their strengths to be utilized in a way that suits them and the needs of the company best. I can tell you, they are not all like you in this respect. Your approach to the healers was a fantastic example and so helpful to both the corporation and the individual workers. You are keeping them from burning out and from the expense of turnover.
I used to do all kinds of presentations for our contracting corporations and one was a generalized “Personalities in the Workplace” where I gave an overview of the different aspects of MBTI types in very broad strokes. It was just to help them to 1. Recognize their own potential individual strengths and propensities and 2. Recognize that others are made differently but also bring something of valuable to the world. I made it clear that these weren’t a final assessment and not a formal MBTI test. It just explained the different categories in general terms just for discussion and appreciation of different ways of learning, styles of communication, and different ways of being and understanding.
The DISC is great for the workplace just as you have said. Some other models out there that I’ve been exposed to or have heard of are the 5 Languages of Appreciation by Chapman and White for getting the best out of employees and
the Strengths Finder Assessment to know how to work with and utilize individual’s preferences and strengths. So many of these are quite expensive for corporations to utilize. The developers have you purchase their trainings to use these with your employees and/or you must purchase their formal evaluations to assess each employee. Same thing with the official MBTI tests. Even the briefest official test costs $15 per person. As a non-profit EAP, we could not utilize all of these in their formal format. The one I liked the least was the Sally Hogshead, How the World Sees You. It has its merits, but it did not resonate as much as the others with me.
Anyway, thanks for your response and explanation of your use of the assessments.
Jennifer, I am quite perplexed by your response. I don’t remember saying that I thought my feelings are an event. I also want to make it extremely clear to any and all people reading this, I respect my children. They impress me everyday with how HARD they work at life. I am humbled by their love. My kids have very complex needs and I can’t even begin to tell you how much time and energy I put into understanding what they need. They are amazing and the loves of my life. I’m not sure what triggered such a response to say I don’t respect or honor them but that is absolutely not true!!
I was speaking in generalities, didn’t question how you felt about your kids. Sorry you took it that way.
Tom, I want to clarify that when I say that I feel others emotions, what I believe is happening is they are transferring their emotions or projecting their emotions onto me. Which then triggers my own emotions (fi). I get lazy in my writing and just say I’m feeling others emotions but they are my feelings being triggered or activated by someone else transferring them onto me. So if I’m around someone with anxiety, if I don’t stay mindful, I will become anxious. I have a very close friend who suffers tremendously with social anxiety, even when it’s just the two of us, and I’ve known her for 15 years, but she can start out fairly calm but by the end of lunch she is very uncomfortable. I know this about her so throughout our lunch, I will mentally check in with myself and take some deep breaths and remind myself that it’s her anxiety. It took me a long time to be able to enjoy lunch with her because I couldn’t control my own emotions. Now, by me staying calm, it also calms her because I counter transfer calm energy to her. Our trust, and friendship has really grown since I’ve learned to be mindful and stay calm. What happens sometimes in other situations is, I’m not being mindful and I’m wide open to absorbing my environment, something unexpected will happen and I’ll feel a rush of emotional energy. Because I’m not being mindful and my guard is down, I will react on that emotional energy, believing it is my own anger or hurt or whatever. After I have time to reflect on the situation I see that I took on someone else’s feelings. Or I received and became activated by their emotions. But in the moment, I can’t tell the difference. When it’s a rush of energy it’s easier for me to recognize when I reflect. But in close relationships, the transference can happen subtly and over long stretches of time. That’s harder for me to recognize and break out of…… for lack of a better word, the trance. This is when I become disconnected and husk. When I do finally break free I am devastated by the toll it has taken on me. I’m not going to lie, my husband overwhelms me like this constantly. It’s so subtle, I don’t know it’s happening. I don’t think he does this on purpose. He doesn’t even understand that he does this. His inability to care for his own emotional needs gets transferred to me, and if I realize it’s happening I can carry it in a healthier way. But I also have to take care of myself and 3 kids. It is a constant evaluation of is the price I’m paying too high to continue in that relationship. I hear people talk about removing toxic people from their lives and sometimes the choices are not that clear and easy. Unfortunately, I have had to distance myself from many people, who played very important roles in my life because they were too toxic and I had to make excruciatingly hard choices. My husband is an enneagram 9 isfj and he struggles getting in touch with his emotions. He is a good person who tries hard but sometimes the price is too high for me. I know all of this is very personal and I guess I’m still stewing over Jennifer’s comments from above. But Tom you had asked me in an earlier post who overwhelmed me. I hope this helps to answer your questions.
Yes, thanks Michelle. The image I have from your comment is a pair of tuning forks in close proximity. One starts to vibrate and soon the other picks up to sound the same, which in turn transfers back to the first, and so on. Our extroverted feelings are tuning forks. The problem is that we have it ON by default. We don’t seem to have the instinctive knowledge as to how to simply grab the fork to prevent it from resounding.
I still don’t think those emotions that we pick up from others are “ours.” I am not trying to negate your view – I just feel that we benefit by drawing a finer line that addresses the origin of our emotions. And it seems to me that this is actually what you are already doing in practice by consciously putting the effort to be mindful that what you are sensing is “theirs” and not “yours.” After all, we do have “ours” – our very own emotions about our constantly feeling others’ emotions against our conscious choice! We would not be this stressed, if all these emotions are indeed ours from the beginning to the end. (When we cry our heart out, doesn’t that make us feel better in the end, while being unaware of having left our caring observers with nothing to resolve the feeling we transferred to them?)
And it is interesting how you noted that when you are calm, your friend also benefits from your calmness. This is like parenting. When we draw the line, it helps the others to cope with their emotions, too, because we are also drawing the line for them at the same time. (We only need one fence between our land and our neigbour’s land for it to function for both.)
And going back to my obsession with my “core”, drawing this line between “ours” and “theirs” seems to be the key to it. In order to draw the line, we need to first detect and keep our own feelings in our conscious radar, and there seems to be two ways to go about it. One is that of reaction; the other, action. We can react when we start picking up others’ emotions. Against their emotions, we can work on detecting ours. Or we can act on our own by revving up what truly drives us so that we can see our emotions that are usually tacked away emerge more prominently to our perception. When we see our emotions, it is like we now know that we have these fingers of ours, which we can use to pinch this highly sensitive tuning fork at any time. This very knowledge that we can use our fingers whenever the vibration has gotten too overwhelming provides the assurance and calm directly to our own emotions, which manifests in how we behave, which in turn affects others who are in turmoil?
So my Ti goes on analyzing (and I feel calm already…).
It is so frustrating when you stay grounded and then gradually imperceptibly become ungrounded again. Gets that is the story of life almost:) It goes on and on like this.
Tom said
I still don’t think those emotions that we pick up from others are “ours.” I am not trying to negate your view – I just feel that we benefit by drawing a finer line that addresses the origin of our emotions. And it seems to me that this is actually what you are already doing in practice by consciously putting the effort to be mindful that what you are sensing is “theirs” and not “yours.” After all, we do have “ours” – our very own emotions about our constantly feeling others’ emotions against our conscious choice! We would not be this stressed, if all these emotions are indeed ours from the beginning to the end. (When we cry our heart out, doesn’t that make us feel better in the end, while being unaware of having left our caring observers with nothing to resolve the feeling we transferred to them?)
Tom, first of all, please don’t ever feel like it’s not okay to feel and think differently than me. I don’t think it negates my feelings and thoughts at all. That is why I come here. To learn about myself from others that are similar, yet different.
I agree with you, it is important to understand that a lot of what we feel starts with another. But for me, when I started owning ALL of my emotions, no matter where they originated, I found my core power. I can’t control other people, but I can, and have to control, or try to be mindful, of my thoughts and feelings. When I realized, the second I blamed or put responsibility onto other people, for how and what I was thinking, feeling, acting, or reacting, I gave my power or core away. Here’s how I think of it. If a friend or coworker gives me the flu, I don’t say I have my friends fever, chills, body aches…..I say I’M SICK. I own every bit of that sickness and I don’t want someone to treat my friends flu. I want and need my own flu treated. I don’t ask the doctor for medicine for my friend because I have the flu. When I started understanding that some people are very prone to using me for their dumping ground and continually take big giant shits in the middle of my psyche, I got very angry, at them.[note I was angry AT THEM] No matter how many times this pattern happened, my anger didn’t change the fact that they couldn’t care for their own emotional needs. I had two choices, run away and be angry at others forever. Which made me feel powerless and like a victim of other people. uugghhh!
That in itself makes me angry. I AM NOT A WEAK VICTIM!! The second thing I could do was start owning my power. I started working on ways to release my emotions in a healthy way. I exercise, garden, drink my coffee out of my favorite mug while reading, I buy myself flowers and chocolates sometimes. I do many simple things to show myself love and compassion. Things I used to EXPECT others to do for me. I own the negative, no matter where it comes from, but JUST as importantly, I own… my own self love. Please don’t think that I am talking from a place of superiority. I am far from perfecting all of this balance. Anyone that has read any of my post should be able to see my ongoing struggles. Sometimes, as I’ve written, I get worn down and husk. But when I break free, I try to give myself as much love and compassion as I can, as quickly as I can. That love is not easy for me to get in touch with, because I’m angry this has happened AGAIN……but now I’m angry at myself. I let this happen. Accepting that little nugget of truth was so incredibly hard. I wanted to blame the other person for not taking care of themselves and their emotions but what I had to realize is [no matter how angry I get and how unfair it is that I practice self love and they choose not to. Then they take a big giant shit on me] I make the choice to continue to have them in my life. OUCH! I have to own it ALL. If the price gets too high, then I have the free will to remove this person from my life or at least not spend a lot of time with that person. DAMN growth is HARD!!
When I started practicing owning all aspects of myself. I found my whole core. It is hard to hang onto sometimes. I still have a lot of work to do.
Michelle,
What I gather from your comment is that the flu involves Fe, and our claiming the ownership of it involves our Fi.
You are talking about codepndency.
You are trying to overcome codependency by taking care of Fi. Did I get that right?
Your flu analogy made me want to ponder on further… I see your point, and it is true. I feel we’re talking about the same thing, but there is something I’d like to dig in a bit here.
In the context of our conversations, I see there are two things related to codependency. #1 the lack of our core self; #2 identification of its cause. It seems that codependency is a state of mind, in which we make a cognitive error as to #2.
Let me think a bit more on this…
The first time I read this article, I was captivated by the truths it exposed and the way it made fun of the ‘INFJs descended from heaven to give people orgasms by their empathy and selfless love’ nonsense written everywhere else on the internet.
Today, for the first time, I got over myself and read the comments. Someone asked for love advice, and Blake replied, ‘What do you want in a relationship?’ Now, before this woman could get back to answering this (I was hoping she’d answer and Blake would respond and well, you know), someone came and gave a lot of advice. No thanks were given.
So, I don’t know what I want in a relationship. I like my partner to give a fuck about me but the frequency of this should not be too regular or it feels too cloying. It should be just right. The person should be sensitive, like crying during The Lion King, but not overtly so. I mean, what am I there for then? They should be fun and while I should be important to them, I do not like to be idolized as their ‘one-and-only’. I should know that my mistakes could make them leave because that helps me stay balanced.
For example, my boyfriend of four years brought me flowers for the first time a month ago. It was so rare and heartfelt that I loved it. Now, if this became a regular affair, I’d start thinking of it as wastage of money, cry for them poor murdered flowers, etc. So he’s maintained that balance, that quality of elusiveness, of never having quite submitted himself to me. I think it also helps that he’s an ESTP.
What I don’t like in any relationship is harsh language, spiked with venom, intended to hurt. I start crying and when I stop, I say horrible things which fracture everything. It’s probably because I have more insight regarding what will hurt the person the most. It’s a dark area best left untouched.
Another thing I’ve found is that as long as I’m the one being clingy, everything is okay. I like being given the room to be clingy. And also drama. In my previous relationship with an ENFJ, my only complaint was the lack of drama. He gave me no reason to be upset or cry. None. Zilch. Fucking Disneyland trip on weed. I knew I should be happy but I just wasn’t.
I had a consultation with Blake ( do consult him people, man’s goooood) regarding this and I told my partner, in bare minimum words, that I love conflict. Now, his intellectual depth ain’t drowning anyone, so he nodded and things were ok.
I am a dementor, but I will work on self-improvement.
Also, I don’t know where I was going with this.
Some things that come to mind as I read Blake’s writing (which I so appreciate for adding some texture and some yang to the yin of the normal stuff out there) and some comments from INFJs (not only here but elsewhere) and I will try to put them together here. I am struck by so many INFJs who are searching for themselves, but seem certain that they know other’s better than they know themselves. The word “themselves” applies to not only the INFJ but also to the others. It seems that many have fallen in love with the romantic concept that they are givers and empaths and they can understand others without understanding themselves. They are certain that others cannot reach their depths or understand them but at the same time are the one’s who are self sabotaging that potential because they don’t express themselves. Many seem to strive and to push others to their perceived potential. Blake makes a great point about not doing that in a love relationship. If you ask yourself if you are in love with the person as they really are (to do this you must challenge the idealized image) and if you can handle that reality if they never change or reach the potential you perceive in them. Will that work for you in 5, 10, or 20 years? If the answer is no, do yourself and them a favor and move along. Love relationships are not to be fixer uppers. If there is improvement to be made focus on the improvements in yourself and your expression. The unique, complicated, and misunderstood image that I see so oft passed around and related and affirmed on sites for INFJs is really another box and prison for ever really being known, connected, and moderately satisfied.
I am not sitting in judgment as much as it might sound. I have been this person. I married a fixer upper in hopes of saving him. I was miserable and lost myself before I ever knew myself. I went to therapy and was forced to confront my weak self understanding. I could tell the therapist about all the people in my life, but had little to say about myself. Therapy doesn’t apply to those other’s not in the room, so I was in the hot seat and I had to address me and my issues. I only knew I was unhappy, felt lost, and that was it. I won’t say therapy changed my life this first round, but it planted seeds that did sprout over time.
How to manage the self in a relationship? This can be a struggle, not only for INFJs but for many types. Feelings, insights, thoughts, and sensations must flow both ways. If we are to buy the cognitive functions, every type has blind spots and strengths which can log jam the two way interchange between ourselves and others. Relationships are messy and so are we all. We can hold onto our specialness and uniqueness, but are we holding so tight that we lose connection, are we too risk averse in exposing ourselves, so we focus on others to the degree that we never allow others the option to know us. I believe all functions are like muscles that must be used or they atrophy.
I came across this article about narcissism and was not looking for a connection with MBTI at all, but the writer mentioned INFJs. It is like “the Narcissist type who you least expect” could be the title. A lot of this won’t apply to the INFJ as a lot of what she writes could be applied more specifically to other introvert types and why she is fixated on naming an INFJ I cannot guess. Still, there was enough in there that I found food for thought about owning and getting out of a self sabotaging pattern. I am not calling us all a bunch of narcissists, but over time I have come to recognize many people of all types have a potential in their own way to be just that. I could see some areas I have definitely displayed some of these patterns and, like Blake has mentioned, some of her suggestions are to express, produce, and act in the real world and put away some perfectionism and avoidant tendencies that we use to keep us safe from criticism and misunderstandings. My hope is there may be one or two parts that is helpful to others even if a lot of it does not specifically apply to the INFJ brand of introverted uniqueness.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201508/shy-sensitive-introverted-and-narcissistic
Anyway, I found it interesting.
The writer probably is just going off personal experience with one (or more infjs). I am surprised that she would mention a type. I have to say I don’t really think infjs are more selfish than other types. It’s more a matter of where their attention is focused. So if it becomes whole focused inwardly or outwardly with no feedback regulation, well that could get unhealthy. So there might be tendency. But it is classic that individual A thinks individual B is selfish while individual B thinks it is actually individual A that is clearly more selfish, etc.
Sometimes I find that some infjs and isfjs have the skill to “present” selflessness. It’s the Fe smoothness. So perhaps if there is then a mismatch between the presentation and the actual behavior at the end of the day, it’s more glaringly noticeable or something. That wouldn’t actually have to mean they are more selfish type, or that their Fe isn’t real in the moment most of the time. But maybe the crafted image doesn’t always match.
Lunar: “I have to say I don’t think INFJs are really more selfish than other types. It’s more a matter of where their attention is focused. So if it becomes whole focused inwardly or outwardly with no feedback regulation, well that could be unhealthy.”
Agreed! To some degree, I believe that INFJs must utilize and recognize Fi. We never be as rich and complex in its use as an INFP, for instance. I’ve heard it described that Fi is authenticity and Fe is harmony. There can be no harmony without some authenticity, but what is that? We are authentically chameleon, but there are patterns of flow, thought, and feeling that must flow both ways to find some core and attunement to ourselves and our own needs as well as outflow to attune and find the core in our relationships with others.. I know experts say to focus on your strengths and do not try to develop weak functions. Maybe people really can’t go about it directly, but I believe that some Fi development and awareness must be done for all people of all types. No sense of self is not a good thing or at all healthy. We will lose, people who we care about will lose, and our relationships will lose if we don’t bring something real and authentic about our own perspectives, preferences, and feelings to the table. Sometimes it may start with what we don’t want to find out what we do want and who we are and what we stand for. I had a professor who said, “A self is always more attractive than a non-self.” That resonated with me. Selfish is literally not a 4 letter word and figuratively should not be received as a 4 letter expletive. Like anything selfishness or selflessness can be overdone. Aren’t we all looking for a little balance. Sometimes to find it we must go to extremes perhaps, but eventually there is some middle ground. We are never going to be completely balanced, but we can attain it and appreciate it for moments of time and strive to find it within ourselves and others. Authentically harmonizing sounds like music to my ears. I try for that at least.
Tom,
I’m not talking about codependency at all. Quite the opposite, I’m talking about autonomy. I do not believe if a person has not reached a stage of complete autonomy or if a person doesn’t maintain complete autonomy, that they are codependent. I also don’t think if a person makes a conscious decision to stay and work on a difficult relationship means they are codependent.
Your response to my last post really got me thinking about the hell I’ve gone through in the last two and half years. I had a perfect storm scenario happen in my life. I had a major event happen in my extended family, as well as, some early childhood things that got brought to the surface. I started a new career and my husband lost his job. Our oldest son went into full flown crisis. All within a two to three month time frame. We started crisis therapy with our son, that quickly turned into family crisis therapy. I started reading everything psychology based I could get my hands on. Myers briggs, astrology, enneagram, all kinds of therapy models, transactional behavior, relational transactional behavior, internal family dynamic, personality disorders, codependency……guess what I discovered…I had them all. LOL! I was obsessed! At the time, I would have said I was just trying to educate myself. [Ti at its best] The reality was, I was digging deeper and deeper into my Fi/id. As a mutable infj, its easy for me to read about a disorder and then try it on to see if it fits. But I had lost all objectivity. I started to believe things that weren’t true. What I needed was to slow down. I didn’t have to know all the answers immediately. I needed to have some fun with my friends and laugh and talk about something other than psychology. I needed a therapist or a spiritual advisor to help keep things in perspective. I had to go on this journey into my psyche but I wish I had been able to go at a slower pace and not push so hard. Emotional growth is hard. I want to caution you, and anyone else reading this to try to avoid labeling human behavior as a diagnosis or disorder. The human behavior that gets grouped into the codependency umbrella is vast and applicable to every human alive. I can read the description and match life experiences to that behavior. True codependency is a complex structure of interactions that is much bigger than someone who loses touch with their core power on occasion. Also, learning to develop core power is a process that all humans go through. We are not born knowing this stuff. We have to develop and grow into it. That’s why Jodie Foster was so impressive at the age of 17. She seemed to have all of this already. Some of us are late bloomers. Doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us, it means there’s a lot right about us. As an infj, I see, feel, think, know and understand things that a lot of people are unaware of. It takes a while for our sensitive brains to connect all of this together. I really want you and anyone else struggling to know that it’s ok to be where you are in this process. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the compassion that your so good at giving to others. You are worthy of goodness and love.
Michelle,
The flu metaphor was awesome. Very well put and described. Regarding co-dependency, I prefer to think we are all interdependent. At time’s we do this interdependency thing better than at others and sometimes the proportions of need and give and take are off. Again, the desire for balance is a struggle for all people INFJs or otherwise. I will say that as an INFJs, I think many of us have to find, discover, or in some way access the extremes to find the middle or balance.
By the way, it is not just an INFJ thing to read the DSM and about mental conditions and find yourself in many of the diagnoses. This is commonly reported among all students of psychology and almost a warning sign of a lack of self criticism or self awareness if you don’t find something of yourself in those pages. I don’t know if that is helpful, but you are right about not overly pathologizing yourself. That is a great reminder. Oh, the journey of life is up/down, all around, zigging and zagging, spinning, circular, loopy, and winding. Or it seems it is for those of us who are curious explorers who open ourselves to experience ourselves and the world in all its facets.
Regarding Tom’s mention of co-dependency, I wonder if he was not really pathologizing or using a “diagnosis” but rather discussing the INFJ’s emotional awareness and self discovery often being somewhat dependent on our relationship with others and the world. Maybe? I did not see co-dependency in your words, but rather a desire to be self aware and accountable. Or in Tom’s words, being active (proactive?) rather than reactive.
Thanks Rita. I agree with everything you’ve written here. It was really hard deciding on exactly what I wanted to say in my reply to Tom. I agree that he is was using the term codependency as a general description and not necessarily a diagnosis. I love the term interdependence and I kept searching my brain for that exact term but it wasn’t coming to me this morning.
😀 See, a great example of interdependency. My words would not have come to me without your insights and apparently I brought something helpful to flesh the concepts out. It is a small example, but illustrates our point. Love it!
Michelle,
Yes, that’s what I meant you were talking about – the opposite of codependency. I did sense that what you were describing and trying to break free from is a form of codependency. Codependency is basically what we do when we make others to be responsible for your mental well-being. This is not the same thing as being influenced by others. We are all influenced by others all our life. There is a way to be influenced by others without codependency.
I think that the “labels” such as names we give as disease, disorder, etc. becomes obstacles to our understanding when we set these things as our starting point of discussion. It is fine to use the labels such as “codependency” and “INFJ” as long as we don’t start our thinking from these words in the beginning (we should not be thinking “I am an INFJ; INFJs are wonderful; I am wonderful” but instead “I am what my life experiences have show me who I am; it turned out that there are many like me, forming a pattern called INFJ; here are the theory as to how INFJ works, and that may shed light on things I haven’t realized before about who I am.”) We always need to start from what our life experiences are and reference that back and forth with the description of these “labels” so that we can understand ourselves (at least that is my goal in all this). Otherwise, these labels just makes you stop thinking and exploring truths any further.
At any rate, going back to what I was thinking earlier, my end goal is to understand myself, obtain and keep my core – the autonomy, and connect with the world and people in it. My struggle is not as acute as yours, Michelle, but this is a “death” of sorts, that we should work in our favour. Mine is slow and long lasting, which set in motion since my early childhood. Man, … this is such a long tunnel, but I have a comfort in knowing that the light at the end of the tunnel is growing larger over the years.
TOM
Your words about being in a tunnel made me think about one of my favorite songs, its called Breathe by Anna Nalick. I hope the tunnel gets shorter by the minute and when you emerge the sun will shine brighter than you ever thought possible.
2 AM and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don’t love him, winter just wasn’t my season”
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you’re all here for the very same reason
And ’cause you can’t jump the track,
We’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
In May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
“Just a day,” he said down to the flask in his fist
“Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year”
Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while
But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him, maybe I’ll just sing about it
‘Cause you can’t jump the track
We’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, boys
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
There’s a light at each end of this tunnel
You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around
2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer
Inside of me threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
‘Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to
But you can’t jump the track
We’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand
And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
Read more: Anna Nalick – Breathe (2 Am) Lyrics | MetroLyrics2 AM and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don’t love him, winter just wasn’t my season”
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you’re all here for the very same reason
And ’cause you can’t jump the track,
We’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
In May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
“Just a day,” he said down to the flask in his fist
“Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year”
Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while
But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him, maybe I’ll just sing about it
‘Cause you can’t jump the track
We’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, boys
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
There’s a light at each end of this tunnel
You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around
2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer
Inside of me threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
‘Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to
But you can’t jump the track
We’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand
And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
Thanks Michelle.
Yes, wouldn’t it be great if we could always “breathed” without having to remind ourselves? Then we probably realized that we had already been outside the tunnel and long stopped trying to check if the hourglass was really glued to the table.
We’ll get there.
Tom said, My struggle is not as acute as yours, Michelle,
Tom, I have spent a lot time thinking about our comments to each other. I wasn’t sure if I was going to comment on this until I read Blake’s latest Article and it really made me realize some things about who I am. Without a doubt, I have had some dark times in my life. I have overcome things that would have left others damaged for a lifetime. I also have a family dynamic most people will never understand. With that being said, I can assure you, I am one of the healthiest, strongest people I know. And I know a lot of people….I don’t think you meant anything negative towards me by making this statement. You don’t seem like that kind of person al all…. I just realized today while reading the new article why I really like this website. I have a part of me that my lifestyle does not accommodate very well. I have to do, what I call, therapeutic parenting all the time. I have to be calm, present and SAFE, for my kids, ALL the time. When I talk about becoming disconnected with myself, I mean in the process of needing to always be in therapeutic parenting mode, I lose my intense, passionate, driven part of myself. Somewhere I read , I believe it was in Hindu astrology, the animal for my birthdate is a black Jaguar. Let’s just say that my inner Jaguar stays caged most of the time and sometimes, I HAVE to suppress her. But when that happens, I lose a very important part of myself. This disconnect doesn’t happen often and I constantly look for new ways to keep her busy. I like to come here and give her a voice that she doesn’t always get to have in my daily life. When given what she needs, she is THE BEST part of me. She’s my favorite part of me and she is extremely intense, passionate, and sexy as fuck!! LOL!
Just wanted to set the record straight. ;}
Michelle,
I think that the record is straight. You mentioned the difficult time you are going through in the last two and half years, so I understood that to be “acute” in comparison to perhaps less intense but long lasting version that I feel I can relate more to myself. Nothing more is meant.
I am familiar with a parenting mode myself. I have three very active/sensitive young kids, and I pick up all their never-ending emotional storms while having to remain calm so that at least I do not end up adding fuel to it and make it worse. I don’t mean to equate challenges with those of others’, just as I do not equate states of our personalities or life situations with those of others’, but being a parent has been the most stressing part of the last 10 years of my life. When it comes to it, I do not thrive; I survive. There is a part of me that is going through “death”.
What is strange – and this may perhaps be different from your experience – is that this part of me that is slowly dying is not the intense, passionate, driven part of me. It is an abandonment of sort, or letting go of expectations and control. And it seems to be helping me to get closer to my core I was talking about earlier. Things are stressful, and yes, I feel I am dying, but I am curiously optimistic at the end of the day. (I often contemplate on what this is about, and I suspect that it is somewhat beyond the scope of typology.)
but being a parent has been the most stressing part of the last 10 years of my life. When it comes to it, I do not thrive; I survive. There is a part of me that is going through “death”.
Tom
I can totally relate to all of this. I just had a conversation last night where I said I struggle with parenting because it makes me go in the opposite direction of who I am. I’m a live and let live kind of person. I don’t like putting boundaries and expectations on people. But being a parent requires setting boundaries and expectations. As far as death goes….yeah….it’s death of the ego. I went through what you are talking about. Giving up control. I used to be a control freak! I constantly tried to control my environment, and the people in it. Unlike many other infj’s, I never thought I was different or special. In fact, I thought everyone was like me and I was like everyone. I thought I was broken because I saw all the pain and dishonesty and dysfunction in the world, and I assumed everyone else saw it to. But everyone else didn’t seem affected by it. They seemed to be completely unaffected by it???? I thought I was deficient in my abilities to deal with life. As I got into my 20’s, I had a lot to prove to myself and others. I would say that I left the timid, shy and scared little girl behind [death of that identity] and became a self serving, sometimes manipulative, driven, workaholic. I achieved a lot but it took a huge toll on me and my health. When we adopted our children, I quit work and became a full time mom. I experienced another death of ego. I, after a lot of digging and work, went from having sooooo many expectations of others, to having almost none. I operated from a completely autonomous place. If I asked someone to do something for me and they didn’t, instead of demanding this person do it for me….I just did it myself. Perhaps, the pendulum swung too far in that direction. Having zero expectations of others I was in a relationship with, resulted in people taking advantage of me. I am now working on understanding how to maintain autonomy and having, and sometimes demanding, that my expectations are fulfilled. If I were single with no kids, I wouldn’t care about this. I would be completely fine with living an independent life. But, I’m not. So, I’m trying to teach myself and others how to live an interdependent [thanks Rita] lifestyle. Here’s the painful part of all of this. When I was young, and felt soooo broken, I thought, if I ever ” fix” myself, I will be happy and life will be easy. Love will flow naturally, and relationships will be fulfilling. That has not been the case. I now find, I operate on a level of growth that most people will never achieve. It’s been heartbreaking. I truly thought that once I “fixed” myself, relationships would be equal and healthy. Unfortunately, I can feel more alone and isolated now, at a higher level of functioning, than when I was “broken”. I experience this in all settings of life. Friendships, extended family, even in some, not all, but some professionals in the mental health field. In family therapy, we talk a lot about meeting people where they are in an emotional or developmental stage. For me, that means going back to places I’ve been. I’m grateful I can do this for my kids but there are times when it would be nice if someone could meet me where I am. That’s why I like this website. I feel like people on here are more likely to be able to meet me where I am.
Michelle,
Oh. My. God. You have described MY life! Except for the past year. In the past year I have been involved in Bernie Sanders Facebook groups, which seem to attract a lot of evolved, compassionate people who care about something besides making money and impressing the herd. I’ve met strong, intelligent, funny, thinking, down-to-earth women who think and feel on a higher level.
Finding groups of INFJ’s recently also gives me new hope.
Having to enforce rules (hardly any!) and not be a live and let live person is the hardest thing about being a mother!
Emilie,
Please excuse all the errors in the above message. Between autocorrect and a cat and a dog play fighting on my lap, I made a lot of mistakes. I should have proofed it, but am trying to let go of some perfectionism and to flow. It is an area of identified growth to use H.R. and EAP parlance. LOL
I am glad that their are INFJs that related to what has been written in this piece and that it is helping them gain a better understanding of themselves.
However, I would like to point out that this is not by any means the “INFJ” norm, and I would go so far to say that the INFJ traits described are not those of a “well developed” or “healthy” INFJ. This article almost sounds like it is describing an INFJ “villain” in his or her formative years.
In my experience as an INFJ (and granting that this does not apply to all):
INFJs are not loners. We need people. Even if it is just one, very important person. How often and to what extent varies from individual to individual. I can go about 2 weeks before I need to interact with a close friend, family member, etc, assuming something has not happened in my life to shorten that window (stress, sadness, depression). And I can often be satisfied with a mentally and emotionally stimulating phone call – but only if it’s with someone I deeply care for.
Long term, committed relationships, are definitely something we are capable of. I am fiercely loyal to friends I have had since kindergarten, they know that if they need something I am always available. No, there are not many of them, but as other articles have stated I value the depth and quality of my relationships with these individuals over quantity. I am also happily married to a man that has the same single minded dedication to me as I do to him.
Nor do I seek out “conflict” or “stormy” relationships. I have, at least twice, completely cut individuals out of my life that were making it “stormy”. Possibly because I have experienced abuse in my relationships and got to the point where I not only refused to take the abuse, but to make sure that I never ever make someone else go through what I did.
I constantly seek to understand and improve my relationships. I am hyper aware of when something is not right in them, because when someone is important to me, I am constantly working to learn more about them and improve our relationship. And I try not only to “fix” it through communication, but to hopefully deepen the relationship in spite of whatever issue presented itself. I like peace, and harmony. I do not like conflict and avoid it at all costs, sometimes to the relationships detriment since things that should be said simply aren’t.
True, if an individual doesn’t, for some undefinable reason, earn my devotion/loyalty I will be supportive and compassionate only when it is needed – but I will not necessarily be invested. I will help as much as I can, in whatever capacity I can, and once the crisis is averted, we go back to our separate bubbles of existence. Even though said individual may assume that we bonded over said event and may consider us to be “friends”, in my mind we are not. This could be why some people say we are not capable of long term relationships.
We are also not purely “creative” as stated in some of these comments. It is often said we are hard to “type” because we are capable of acting as a “chameleon” and shifting between types depending upon circumstance. I am a software engineer. I developed a strong T function to be a good engineer. I love the challenge of it, and I largely chose the field of engineering out of the desire to quite literally “make the world a better place” by creating technology that will help future generations. It is my desire to help people that drives me and steers me. Am I creative? Yes. Is it important for me to write, draw, dance, play musical instruments, learn new languages, etc? Absolutely. But that is not what I base my life on, that, is not a “driver” of my being. It is not who I am. My “mission”, whatever I decide that to be, is my driver.
I did not know I was an INFJ until recently, but, through a rough phase in my life I spent weeks upon weeks taking personality quizzes and reading books and highlighting all of the things that shouted out to me “this is you!! This is what you believe in” to define myself: what I wanted to be and what I did not. As my fellow INFJs may have experienced, figuring ourselves out is not the easiest thing in the world – and can sometimes make us feel like we ourselves are a lie because we are such an odd mix of seemingly conflicting values (and bcs it sometimes feels like we are multiple people in one body). I self-medicated (through quizzes, literature, and sometimes film) at a point in my life where I could have easily developed some of the traits above due to the insecurities this can cause.
Manipulation is definitely something I know I am capable of, and good at. Being able to lay out someone’s deepest insecurities and use it to hurt them is also something I am capable of, and good at. My childhood and teen years taught me this. But I use neither of these “skills” because I choose not to be that kind of person.
So, in closing, I am glad to see an article calling attention attention to a part of the INFJ “range” as perceived from another perspective. However, please remember that while these kinds of articles may help you, you are really the only one that can define who you are.
I’ve been dragged to hell and back with this article.
Mostly because it describes me too well.
I always revered in the fact that INFJ was seen as some type of rare angel descended from god knows where, but I was always really really really skeptical.
I am not by nature and of soul “good”, I always get wary when I read descriptions of altruistic traits and whatnot because I’m well aware of my own intentions.
Secondly it’s the traits that are most negative (objectively) that I align with the most, lots of self loathing and internal sighing, but also a clarification that’s necessary for some semblance of growth.
I always got typed as INFP or INFJ, but today I know damn well I’m an INFJ.
You raise many good points and you clearly have some pretty stellar insight into the mind of INFJs.
I feel though that you rely a bit heavily on the ‘brutal’ part of brutal honesty? There is valuable information here that could really help a lot of INFJs to get out of their own heads, but lines like, “you are one of the most selfish and irresponsible beings on the face of the earth” will only make INFJs try to defend themselves against the insult instead of absorbing the message. (said defense is then interpreted as them acting like ‘porcelain dolls’, which makes them want to defend themselves further, etc.) We may not be delicate little flowers that can’t take a hit, but nobody really likes to be insulted – less so when the insults are accurate.
(((( but seriously though, reading this as an INFJ is like the epitome of “I came out to have a good time and honestly I’m feeling so attacked right now” lol ))))
Some people I have recently typed as possibly INFJ. Curious if anyone has any contrary opinions.
Martin Gore of Depeche Mode
Matt Johnson of The The
Neil Tennant of Pet Shop Boys (slightly less sure abt this one)
Maxwell (r&b artist)
Oliver Trask (villain from 1st season of The O.C.)
Blake (duh)
You nailed some of it. You seem to have had a relationship with an unhealthy INFJ.
A healthy INFJ would have taken it slow, also thrown the person off our scent to ensure loyalty and watch for negative character traits. I’ve seen other INFJ’s do this as well. We hide our best work and share it only with a select few that we trust(inner-circle). INFJ’s don’t need to be discovered and are not special snowflakes.People give an INFJ a bad wrap for that. When a different MBTI Type have had a bad experience with one unhealthy INFJ, they lump them into one group. An INFJ will not get into a short-term relationship, and they can see through any dishonest/manipulative intentions early on due to the NI/FE(Empath/Chameleon) dual interactive nature. An INFJ will not walk into a bad relationship with a fake person; authenticity is something we can spot right away.
You seem to have had a relationship with an unhealthy INFJ.
I haven’t, so failure of intuition right there Miss INFJ.
A healthy INFJ would have taken it slow, also thrown the person off our scent to ensure loyalty and watch for negative character traits.
Conjecture. Maybe a “healthy” INFJ would have taken it slow, maybe not. What is a “healthy” INFJ? You are making a lot of assumptions in that statement. Me thinks you are talking strictly about what you would do in a relationship. You cannot generalize from a sample size of one.
On the other hand, I have had contact and experience with many people of the INFJ type (I counsel with them all the time) and so I think it would be fair to assume that I have considerably more experience with the type than you do.
INFJ’s don’t need to be discovered and are not special snowflakes
How do you know that INFJs don’t desire to be discovered? Again, conjecture, based on nothing substantive.
When a different MBTI Type have had a bad experience with one unhealthy INFJ, they lump them into one group.
How do you know that? How many instances of this can you verify? Don’t you think this would apply to other types besides INFJs? Are INFJs so special that other types want to pick on them following bad interludes with people of this type?
Why are you viewing the INFJ type as “the victim” of the abuse of others? Other types are victimized in the same manner as what you accuse me of doing here to the INFJ. Why are INFJs so special and exempt?
It is clear to me that is what you are saying, however, I do not buy into that because its a bunch of insubstantiated bullshit, a mythos, a reputation that has been crafted over the years, a drift in interpretation.
An INFJ will not get into a short-term relationship, and they can see through any dishonest/manipulative intentions early on due to the NI/FE(Empath/Chameleon) dual interactive nature.
An INFJ will not get into a short-term relationship? Are you fucking kidding me? Happens all the time.
They can see through any dishonest/manipulative intentions early on? Give me a break. You make INFJ sound like one of the X-Men, a character out of comic book.
In reality, INFJs are humans that are much more complex and nuanced then you are suggesting. If you go around looking for INFJs that are some kind of empathic superheroes with perfect psychological x-ray vision, you are going to be missing out on many INFJs.
God, you guys are so young and naive!
And presumptious!
Based on so little experience.
An INFJ will not walk into a bad relationship with a fake person; authenticity is something we can spot right away.
The arrogance of this statement! Unbelievable. Do you really believe that?
At any rate, your super-duper-intuitive-empathic powers have failed you in this case – this article is not being written from the viewpoint of person that has had a bad relationship with an INFJ, and thus, being written to get revenge on them.
My childishness does have limits.
What is this ‘healthy’ people keep throwing around? And how many other INFJ’s would I have to meet to find one that qualifies?
I don’t know what it means in the context of my madness. Or anyone’s.
Madness sometimes having been the beauty of men. The sloppy, senseless fuck, the satiated grin.
I haven’t slept with a single man that was not a good hearted person. Could be that was what my intuition granted me. Not promises. Not guarantees of nobility or longevity or compatibility. Just worthiness. I learned from every man. And yet I regret not a one.
What is all this hyper vigilance over your heart? I love people. I love humanity even if I want them to leave me alone most days. I understand them. I give myself to them even as my naivety makes me tremble. And then I take myself away.
And yet I regret not a one. Scratch the yet.
INFJ weirdos! In addition to meditation – which I am sometimes heavily into and at other times can’t get my act together about – I want to recommend to everyone of this type to try Feldenkrais.
Basically it’s a movement modality that isn’t exercise – in a typical Feldenkrais lesson, you might be on the floor, in comfortable clothes, doing extremely small movements over and over, with deep attention on each movement, so that it remains sort of neurologically fresh.
It’s hard to explain. I find that it puts me in basically a state of altered consciousness to have my awareness so deep, slow, and internal. It’s very weird and sometimes unsettling, but it should never be physically painful or difficult. I don’t know if this is Se or what, but I totally recommend! It’s sort of like physical meditation, and right now I find it easier and more effective than actual meditation, because there’s somewhere to put my brain’s focus that isn’t just “TRY NOT TO THINK GODDAMMIT”.
Well, if you make an effort to not think, you’re not doing meditation that well…
I find your response rude and mansplainy, so I’m probably not super interested in your meditation expertise.
Well, Blake, I’m not surprised at the length and general grumble of the comments section—you did, after all, choose the type most sensitive to personal criticism, most commanding of the written language, and probably possessing the most free time to argue about it. We wouldn’t be INFJ if there was no volcano of enthusiastic (though stubborn) emotion erupting from us in the face of conflict.
But this article and its comments has touched on an especially important problem of being an INFJ that I want to point out.
I hear constantly that the “gift” of the INFJ is that we can read people to the minutia, that every flaw and intention is ours to pick apart from the moment we meet a person, allowing us to separate the “authentic” from the “fakes”.
It is true that we do read people like this, but this screening process of ours is no gift. This is a self-preservation technique we develop as empaths so that we are not overwhelmed by the complex problems (or petty drivel) of everyone else. It allows us to not get involved; it excuses us to not get involved. We’re doing it to protect our own selves, this inner sponge we have that will soak up all the emotion and suffering of the people around us until we drown ourselves. There are times our own emotions can’t even be recognized or understood, so why would we open ourselves up to people who could hurt us? Nevermind that in actuality, everyone has the power to hurt us, and nobody is one-dimensional. This is us putting the J before the F, and using the J to organize the world by a lie rather than organize ourselves with truth.
You want to know what the real gift is? Put the FJ part back into order. Make your intuition the backdrop to recognizing the patterns of life. Seek to understand the how and why of people, do not write off people based on a preliminary judgment. Protect your empath in a better way, rest when you need to rest and zeal when you need to zeal. Realize other people have opinions and behavior based on their history. If you want to make change, listen and understand first, no matter how much you disagree, no matter how much it angers or offends you. Do not let your incredible passion close off your mind from learning about the human condition. Then deliver your message with the passion and conviction of N, the compassion and empathy of F, and the conciseness and order of J.
Getting off my tiny soapbox there, I also want to say of INFJ relationships, they are difficult. Many of mine have been downright fake on my end, mostly because I was doing what I thought people wanted of me. I had a few boyfriends because I saw some emotional or social need that I wanted to fix, without really having a genuine wish to be with them, all the while dreaming of some “soulmate” that would come along and instantly connect with me, no work involved. This article nailed it. That was abhorrent selfishness on my part, no matter how well-intentioned. The passion that we exert for our causes should not be confused with our relations to people.
Also, I want to say to all the young INFJ’s this. I felt my whole young life that I was an outsider. People treated me like the know-it-all asshole (which I feel I was, and am, at some points), or they treated me like some mysterious unicorn that they respected and yet kept their distance. And after all that, when you have a lifetime of feeling incomprehensible and weird and hating it, to read all this INFJ stuff and how you’re a special, rare, unique gem, it can be a real power-trip. It can feel like validation. Don’t let it get to your head. Use it as a springboard to review your life in a constructive and positive manner. Psychological analysis is a tool to use to your benefit and your betterment.
So, thank you, Blake, for both this article and this opportunity for me to zeal and soapbox. Don’t get discouraged by negative reactions, either. All arguments are lessons eventually.
Thank you very much for this article, it has helped my development immensely. If I were smart enough to develop an article like this I wouldn’t have left anything out, just as you did.
My family were all introverts, so I could never fully understand why I was so weird. I didn’t have much social interaction at all before I was an adult as I usually withdrew. When I actually started working for a living I couldn’t understand why people thought I was so strange, I definitely got duped with my career choices based on Se. I had a job in an environment that was completely full of sensors, and I was able to do the job in a completely different way but still achieve the same outcome, in some cases I genuinely think I did it much better job (offcourse only in some aspects, not all of them), but let’s just say that job didn’t go so well. My employer thought the way I was doing things was dangerous, but it was actually the opposite, he just couldn’t understand why I needed to do things differently. I found my social interactions with people at work interesting because they could see there was much more too me, not necessarily in a “gifted” way but they knew there was more that I wasn’t revealing. Their reaction was exactly the same as when you see a person with a mask on, that feeling of ambiguity, and our natural instincts for ambiguity is to be extremely cautions or RUN!, I guess that ties in a bit with your mention of violence. Perhaps people can see some transparency through the marks a little bit, but in general I’ve found the ambiguous masks are sensed as a threat unless someone truly knows you.
These are my experiences, once again thank you for this brilliant article.
All the best
Nice contrast,however,interestingly,you’ve applied much of yourself in it. I came here to criticise you ,harshly.You are an ENTP,if I’m not wrong.I will now treat you as you treat infj,”shed some light” on topics you seem stuck with.It is quite obvious to me how much of it is actually hidden self-righteousness,and many ENTP specifically do this. All idealists ,especially, stuggle with what it means to be human,and no,neither of us are equipped to figure it out,see the whole picture of ourselves or others, let alone teach others.Its a journey,there are no written answers that would bring true comfort,only in combination with experience and personal lessons-which requires you to know the person and yourself as much as possible.In the name of good fun,we can pretend to be gods ,or jesus:} You may have not actually helped the INFJ be themselves but be what would suit you,somebody who listens to your advice – overlooking they dont need you for it. Like this you bind them to yourself rather than help them find peace within themselves.You want to motivate them to fit you ,and get their sympathies for it by assuming you know what is best for them better than they do,even if it is only a game to you.Great,you made the person feel worse in the long run.This is too easy to do,as I too can demonstrate.You know they often question themselves,and they are likely vulnerable then because they blame themselves for their flaws.It has nothing to do with porcelain,no INFJ sees themselves this way, they are more likely to treat strangers as such. This outside perspective can be harmful,and you know that. Any generalisation is,which is also a bad habbit to have. We are using types against others.Who cares about correctnes,what about taking your own advice? If it were truly about shedding light or helping,it wouldn’t have in it so much biased irrelevant information and hidden criticism. You are entertaining us,and charming us, not doing what should be done because nobody else does.Stop fooling yourself.People do simpler forms of what you do in the MBTI all the time.The internet is full of PC, and society is deeply flawed.So? You are enforcing PC yourself by giving it importance\going “against” it.This is where your intentions are questioned. Enforce your own selfishness in your creations openly,don’t pretend to be a martyr,its okay to want feedback.This is something many overlook in the comments.Well played.Like trying to rationalise your own actions and flaws and your attraction to the INFJ by painting them as the saviors,while really you are perceiving them as your whores to save and want somebody to validate who you are is okay throught relation. Finding a way to keep a distance from emotional depth,naturally it was obvious you’d be assumed as a victim of one,which must suit you well,because that is also a form of toying with them.This is,even by your own words degrading,as you’ve essentially dehumanized them this entire time.Just like the MBTI and internet tends to with people.This is the whole concept of an intuit stuck with a dominant thinking function.Look elsewhere for answers, people.If it weren’t for your comments,I would have taken this article as something you too don’t take too seriously,but now I think you’re pretending and hiding behind humor,looking for purpose and applause.This is why you are not fit to be a counselor to the counselor, you haven’t accepted there are some things nobody can fully understand and that the best way to help comes from awareness that true help has no promised benefits for you. Some may realize far too late it was you who helped.Give into the void.It doesn’t bring long term satisfaction to the receiver otherwise.I am not INFJ either,that much is obvious. Why I wrote this comment? For the sole purpose of letting you know you could be using your gifts in a more fullfilling way for everyone. I decided to give myself the right to judge your actions.We both know all these thank you’s aren’t something you truly agree with,you look down on them first. You’ve given me a perfect outlet to vent.People with your capacity doing what you do are disspointments. If you could only get out of your own ass and wish good onto others openly,the world would be a better place. Find the courage to admit your flaws.You’ve mirrored,I’ve mirrored.Did you consider this helpful,Blake? Does it make you or me a good influence? Oh,I don’t mind a snarky response,or none whatsoever,so go ahead.
Sincerely,
ENTJ
P.S. Infj who feel offended,you should be. All other types for the matter,how somebody perceives you and what your actions mean to them is highly individual.If you can feel better and build some self confidence knowing this guys perspective,where he purposefully shows you that even as the darkest form of yourselves you are okay in his books,great,you are,but do consider,even from my perspective,that the polarity of it all is what makes a human whole and that there isn’t always one true explanation to why you give selflessly.Find comfort with being okay with yourself trough self-care and true friends who wont scrutinize you,accept you and validate you for all your imperfections.The MBTI is too impersonal.Not everything revolves around the ego,and people who claim it does are just trying to explain their own shitty actions to themselves instead of asking for professional help or even admitting we all sometimes need it. Feedback with empathy,rather than selfish advice is what everyone needs more of.I go to counceling,too,for a reason.Humanity was focused on speed and efficiency rather than dealing with human nature for too long,and this is why the infj is just as important to the world as everyone else. I’d trust you with guding it onto a better path more than any other type.Thank you for your efforts.
I decided to give myself the right to judge your actions.
So, you’re a hypocrite. Bottom fucking line.
Get off your high fucking horse and come down to earth.
You may actually be useful then.
Your comment is full of passionate intensity, but, it is totally unclear what the fuck you are trying to articulate.
All I hear is that you are condemning me.
And I presume next, if you had your way, you would burn me at the stake.
You are a selfish asshole so wrapped up in your own zealotry that you can’t see the harm that you cause.
It’s the same attitude you see in religious wars.
And the most people have been massacred in just those type of wars.
Also, if the MBTI is so impersonal as you claim, then, why are you taking it so personally?
Hypocrite.
How dare you judge me?
What gives you the right to judge me?
Well, I’ll answer that.
It is the same right that you accused me of exercising on the INFJ peoples.
All you’re saying is that you think you are more entitled to that right than I am.
If you are such a loving and forgiving person, then, why don’t you exercise this first and foremost towards me. Set a fucking example, ya know?
You are also a bigot.
Why?
You started out your comment to say that you know I am an ENTP and therefore…
So, what you are saying with that statement is that ENTPs are unable to form accurate judgments about INFJs. You are basically just attacking me under the category of ENTP. That is such a dumb argument, I don’t even know where to begin.
You also said you were certain that I’m an ENTP. How can you be so certain? Some people are certain that I’m an INFJ. I hope you see the point in that statement.
It shows such an insularity and subjectivity that is beyond belief.
Here is what I get from your entire comment: You are basically angry and self-righteously indignant that I dare say anything that departs from the online status quo consensus regarding INFJ. You assert that what I write here is dangerous to INFJs because of their exceptional sensitivities and that a certain INFJ might take this as a condemnation of their nature and thus be pushed over the gap into a state of complete hopelessness, which from there could lead to them becoming suicidal or something of that nature.
Let’s say that were true. I would ask the question of why was the INFJ in such a low state that what I said pushed them over the edge towards suicidal ideation, or something approaching that nature?
Is that my fucking fault? Hardly. Did I cause this state of affairs? No, I didn’t.
So, what I’m saying in this article is essentially much of the same thing that a much respected author like Dostoevsky said in his short novel Notes From The Underground. I present a certain type of character that I call INFJ. I believe that these are some of the primary features of this temperament in my honest assessment. They may not be the only ones and they may not even be true. But, that is up to “the collegiate assessor” to decide (reference to Notes from the Underground).
It is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY what any given person decides to do with this information.
Why?
Because I did not write a HOLY BIBLE that I as a religious authority insist must be taken as the word of god.
I wrote a fucking blog article that has been published on THE INTERNET.
On THE INTERNET anyone that has access to THE INTERNET may access whatever information is lying around on THE INTERNET.
So, the responsibility lies with the reader who ventures out onto THE INTERNET as to what information available there is right, wrong, funny, bitter, dick-headed, ironic and so on.
Did you hear me?
THE RESPONSIBILITY LIES WITH THE READER.
I live in a free society of open information. If you want to live in a theocracy then that is your business. But, I don’t want to. I live in a place that has freedom of speech.
In a place that has freedom of speech there is much responsibility placed on the consumer of that information to decide if that information that is the product of free thought is applicable to the reader, what context to take it in, and so many other things.
I personally like this. Because I believe in people being able to make choices for themselves, which means they have to learn how to think and evaluate things.
But, I prefer this to someone else telling another group or population HOW THEY SHOULD THINK.
I don’t do that.
I expect people (INFJs or not) to be able to figure out what is true, what context to take it in and so forth.
If they can’t do that, then, they truly are in danger, but, not from me, I assure you.
Some of the defensive essays you’ve gotten in response to this post are amusing and embarrassing, in equal amounts. I consistently test as an INFJ. I appreciate that you did not repeat the cookie cutter platitudes about INFJs that make it seem like we’re some kind of highly spiritual, practically psychic unicorn type. That gets repeated across many MBTI. Sites and is really not useful if you are trying to better understand yourself.
“INFJs are extremely self-centered, though no one around them may have any idea of this, unless they get into some kind of long-term relationship with them. INFJs present as if they were the most sensitive and understanding creatures on god’s green earth, nodding in sympathy with you, making it all about you. You might feel upon meeting one of these melancholic creatures that you have never been so understood and soothed as you were upon talking to them. They make it all about you. They want to know everything about you. They seem so promising as people. “Who is this angel from heaven?”, you might be thinking.
But, this is all pretext with an INFJ. It is not as if they are doing this to be calculating. In the moment, they are genuinely interested in you, and maybe even for quite a while they will continue to be interested. But, there is likely to come a day where all that changes and the INFJ has departed in spirit, and left you with a well-meaning husk of themselves. INFJs seem like some of the most promising people to be in a relationship with, but in practice, they are the least able of all types to be in a long-term relationship. An INFJ is, in essence, a solo type person. Surface appearances will fool you, but that is the general truth about them, especially the men of this type.”
I have definitely experienced this in social media. I can empathize very intensely on a short term basis, but it is exhausting to constantly keep that level of emotional focus. So people I’ve had relatively short interactions with say they feel they can tell me anything, but I feel I have very shallow social connections to most people I am around. I don’t intend to deceive anyone about how far I’m willing to engage, but in practice, it is very hard to disengage in a polite way when someone is spilling their emotional guts or letting slip opinions that would be better to keep private. I can’t really argue that I’m not self-centered. But I feel that all experiences in life are biased, due to the subjective nature of reality. So I try to understand the ways I am skewing what I take in about the world, as much as a I can.
Great article! If people get offended by some of the words then maybe, it holds some truth to them. Or they see something in themselves they don’t like.
I think out of any Myers-Briggs type that would last long term with a healthy INFJ.It would be a healthy INTJ or an ENFP. *For each person it varies and never block yourself off from a good match if they are not a particular type.* I think that most INFJ’s can’t deal with unhealthy overly emotional or needy people on a permanent basis- we absorb that shit.It’s why being with someone who we feel 100% comfortable with is important.
1)We do get bored! We see flaws/patterns forming quicker than a duck learning to swim.
2)We also exit quickly, if it’s not going anywhere. We stick if times get tough.
Next…
“”ALL of my friendships are long term- since childhood. It’s harder when it get’s romantic if the INFJ can’t regulate themselves and stay out of their partners head. Having emotional boundaries is so important- INFJ’s must learn to give people psychic space.””
True! Sometimes I tell (Ni) back the fuck off and tell (Fe) to chill out and utilize my other functions. I know when someone walks into a room, what they are feeling and if they stay long enough can answer why. For this reason, some INFJ’s might get drained working as a psychologist or in HR and need to take care of themselves in a career vs. focusing on others all day. It’s why writing/fit/Photography/Art/analyzing data for a good cause is such a good fit.
Just a few things. Each INFJ is different and has different value system. We ain’t special unicorns either. For fuck sake…
“INFJ women. Stop acting like angels or aliens from another planet.’
Blake, you are not writing this from a female perspective. So please..don’t lump us into one group.
1) We do become married to our muse but have never made any person into one.
I make very clear boundaries in a relationship.. if a person wants to leave.. go. Don’t chain a person for life. I don’t believe in “the one,’ or “soulmates for life,” so it isn’t a problem for me to let go. I don’t need a relationship to define me or give a sense of meaning. “Matrimony,” for life is not realistic. Sorry folks, look at the divorce rates, in contrast, props to people who make it work. It does happen.
You might be right about the angel part at first getting to know us. INFJ’s know how people click. We do have a dark side and are selective about who sees it. No, we won’t show it to everyone, not everyone has good intentions or motives.
Every healthy person should have a balanced, good and dark side. If you are entirely too good.. all the time. I would feel nervous around this person. We have nothing to work towards that would result in a lack of passion that the dark side often possesses when moving towards the light. Balance.
Agree about having networks that are not just “inner circle,” they serve a purpose.
Hmm…why do the comments seem to be italicized on this article only? Throwing me off…
I didn’t know that was occurring, so thanks for letting me know. That being said, I have no idea. If there are any WordPress people out there that would like to kindly give me some insight into why this might be occurring, that would be lovely.
Probably a forgotten style tag that didn’t get closed at the beginning of the site plug:
“If this article offered a value to you ”
^ the tag from there didn’t closed off from what I see in the source code, so everything below is probably emphasized/italicized.
To be more accurate, it’s an [em] tag that needs an [/em] to close it off (replace square brackets with pointy ones lol).
I don’t know what the problem was but it didn’t seem to be the [em] tag. It was closed. But, I do thank you for your help Prax. I appreciate you looking at the source code and trying to figure it out.
Also, I don’t think that an open [em] tag would cause anything beyond things in the article itself to be italicized. I think the comments is a separate thing and nothing in the body of the article itself would apply to comment formatting.
I would still love to know what it might be, but, there are so many glitches that can happen in such a complex piece of software as WordPress that I would need to do a lot of reading and tracking down.
Anyway, it seems to have resolved itself, though, I don’t know why.
And yes, that bothers me.
Thanks to Alike Salander for pointing it out and to Prax for taking the time to look into the situation. Thanks guys.
Haha, no problem! Seems like you fixed it (or it.. fixed itself…?) by closing the tag anyway because I don’t remember the closing tag being there before.
Wordpress is a pain to deal with from what i remember, anyway.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 blake you know i love you boo I'M HERE FOR YOU BOO k bye
I am an INFJ and I love this post but I would like to quote it paragraph by paragraph and give my own thoughts and context and spin on each. Would you be fine if I did that on my blog but made sure I put everything you say in quotes with the proper credit and link backs? I have thoughts to add and would love to write about it as sometimes I write about INFJ but if you are not ok with it that is fine too.
Thanks.
I’m totally fine with it. Quote away!