Last time I spoke of the necessity of engaging the INFJ color sense. Attention to the primacy of the objects about you.
INFJs love color and paints and sculpting up the evening. INFJs are artists. Natural-born artists.
What does that mean? Artist? An artist is a person who has to create and express. Has to. No options.
Since INFJs have forgotten they are children in this work-a-day Western world of ours, they need to return to the primacy of their childlike wonder in the world. The objects of the world when you are a child are so magical and mysterious. You form special relationships to favorite objects and persons.
You notice the look of an apple. It’s deep red color. Its heart-like shape. Whatever. The point is you notice and are absorbed into the primacy of objects.
It is common when becoming an adult to forget about the things of childhood. To put them away and grow the fuck up.
Yes, it is common. But, INFJs aren’t. Therefore, they can safely dispense with this ISTJ-type bullshit.
As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to say that INFJs route to success lies in not forgetting the things of childhood.
What does childhood consist of? What is the business of a child?
Play is the business of a child. And they are expected to play. Or at least they used to be before we got into this hypermodern culture of ours where children are expected to become competitive for college starting at preschool age.
And you know what I say to that?
I say bye-bye culture of beauty and significance. Did you know that all the most beautiful and life-affirming things come from the spirit of play?
They do not come from the spirit of drudging and putting in one’s time and so on.
And we pay lip service to this ideal of play, but, in action we get scared and fear that we won’t make enough money, won’t be enough of a respected person in our fields, that we will fall by the wayside in the race to die with the most toys and prestige.
Yes, fall by the wayside if you wish to reside anywhere in this world.
New philosophy.
An INFJ will never be successful playing by the rules of the game as they are currently set up. And they will feel bad on top of it when they fail, or even if they succeed. Even if they succeed in this work-a-day world, it will be a hollow victory. Why? Because it won’t have any meaning. And as I have said before, an INFJ can hardly live without meaning.
So, Play
I know a lot of INFJs will be writing to me with all sorts of questions. Questions such as “yeah great, but what about this, that, or the other thing, ie, my job, my survival, my friends etc.” “How do I go about getting into this thing you are talking about?” “What about my school?” What about all these people and institutions that won’t allow me to play?”
Look, I don’t have the specific logistics for every situation every INFJ in the world has gotten into. I have a general tenure. I can give an impulse. It is up to every individual INFJ to put it into practice in some way. Or not. I’m not your mother or father. I am not your caretaker. Gonna have to figure this shit out largely on your own.
Anyway, let’s enumerate more about this phenomenon of play. The initial impulse of play is motivated by fun. It is not goal-oriented in its origins. It can be latched to a goal and often is as one matures, but, in initial phases, play is play. It is done for its own sake.
Why?
That’s your Ti. Fuggedaboutit.
Remember, when you used to like to lie upside down on a couch or bed and you would see your surroundings from an upside-down point-of-view. You would have a moment of magic in that shift of perspective. You would really see the objects that were there in that space because they were all new again. Well, that is so silly. Dumb. That will be of no use to us at this juncture in our burgeoning or full-fledged maturity. But, it is exactly these type of silly things that will save you. If you haven’t done this for a while and are stuck inside some kind of obsessive thought pattern, lie upside down for a while. Look around, look at what’s going down. Be stupid. The thought police cannot find you in this position.
If you ask me, play is a serious business. I think it’s the only thing that should be taken seriously. If you aren’t having fun, if you are not having a ball, ask yourself why? What are you saving up for? To be a serious adult?
I know I’m gonna hear comments about how INFJs detest superficiality and this won’t work for them. Save your virtual breath. It is precisely the thing that will work for them. The heavy shit don’t work for them. They are so thoroughly well-versed in seriousness of epic orders. And they can make careers and lives and loves out of this floor-flushing seriousness, but, they will not be happy. It is tantamount to succeeding in getting revenge on the world.
What makes an INFJ happy? Throwing a ball down the lane. Making up childish rules to the bounce of that ball. If it bounces once, fine, if it bounces twice, you’re out. Simplicity. Elegance. Mozart.
I’ve heard a lot about INFJs that were child prodigies. In essence, they were perfect as children. They were sent straight from heaven. But then they had to grow up.
And they did have to grow up. Because they live in a world of doing and striving and becoming. But, INFJs were already grown. From the very beginning.
The big mistake and miscalculation that is made is in putting away the things of childhood and replacing it with the ways of a drudger. INFJs are physiologically incapable of drudging. Drudging means just putting your head down and getting into that mean and dirty work of earning your keep, making a living, being a provider and so on. And doing one’s duty as a citizen of a locale.
And INFJs can work like a motherfucker. Yes, they can. But, only if they have the magical key of childhood with them at all times. That is their reference point. All can be referred back to it. They have to remind themselves that they are children of the universe. All the silly and trivial things of their youth are the fodder out of which they excel.
INFJs can make worlds. Remember imagination. All this immensity lies inside them. From a few outer cues (blankets, chairs, yarn), they can make a world for themselves.
O, it is all so stupid. It has become so complicated. That will never work. Look at these chips we have made with billions of transistors on them. We can’t go back to the world of yarn and thread.
Take some colorful yarn and string it all around your room (or your mother’s room) and make a psychedelic spider castle. Inhabit this world. Objects look new. Objects are tethers for this yarn world. Why can’t you live in a yarn world? What’s the harm? It may be enough of a shift to give you an idea for that symphony you want to write.
INFJs want to play. They don’t want to work. Unless work is play.
They want simplicity, elegance, a few significant objects about them. They want to live in the vacuum of space populated by a couple of galaxies of stars a few million light-years away. They want spherical resonance. Look at all those lovely worlds calmly rotating about a central star. Makes sense.
Previous articles in INFJ Fe Solutions series (in chronological order):
INFJ: Fe is Magic
INFJ: Got Flow
INFJ: What is Fe? Ask Te.
INFJ: Curbing Information Addiction
INFJ: Local Environment Logistics
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i luh you
Yes!! It worked! But also… dammit.
I’ve been lurking around and reading each post but felt compelled to comment this time around. These thoughts of childhood and how it’s often pitted against maturity and operating like everyone else in the world have been on my mind for a while, and just yesterday I thought about it again. I do feel like I’ve suppressed my childlike qualities to try to grow up and fit into the world, but meh; I wouldn’t be happy that way, so I’m not going to continue forcing myself to be someone I’m not. I just hope I find the right way to “play”.
Thanks for another great article, as usual. 🙂
Love this post. Totally validates my way of life.
Blake, in light of this gleaming nugget of an article, I’d like to recommend a book called IMPRO by Keith Johnstone.
It’s considered a keystone text of improvisational comedy, an undisciplined discipline whose central tenet is ensuring play continues at any cost!
So fellow playbeings, please click on Blake’s Amazon affiliate link, search for said title and buy it.
It will teach you how to play through your entire life.
If skeptical, search for the ribbonfarm article on this book – religious experience indeed!
Thanks for the recommendation. If anyone is interested in this book, by all means follow his advice.
Really good! This post inspires me to find a way to do some painting, which is something so far outside what I do for my work that I think it can’t really trigger feelings of “this has to be perfect” in me. It’s just color and pattern.
It brings to mind something Helen Frankenthaler, the great abstract expressionist painter, said:
“There are no rules. That is how art is born, how breakthroughs happen. Go against the rules or ignore the rules. That is what invention is about.”
I don’t know much about her as a person, but I know that some of her work came about through doing things other artists “doing it right” at the time probably found wrong and outlandish, like spilling stain onto raw canvas.
Do you have any ideas about whether or not INFJ artists who are female are particularly prone to getting hung up on the validity of their “play” as compared to male artists? It has occurred to me that women tend to be conditioned strongly against “arrogance” or being full of themselves, which is a serious problem when you’re an artist working to hold onto your strong creative image so you can bring it into the physical reality. I don’t know if that makes sense… I’ve just had many conversations with female artists of different types (writers, fine artists, etc) where it felt to me that our communal central problem is that we had at some point decided to factor in the theory of mind of how others might view us as artists (not just “how they view our work”, which is bad enough!) and had been really creatively hobbled by that: it’s hard to do your best work when you keep wondering if people will think you’re being insufficiently humble or whatever. (“Oh no, what if they look at my ambitious play/work and think “Who does she think she is?””) This might just be female artists in general and nothing to do with INFJ type people though.
To be an artist of the male or female persuasion, you just basically have to not give a fuck what other people think. You just have to do what you need to do, whatever that is. If people like it, great. If not, even better 🙂
” it’s hard to do your best work when you keep wondering if people will think you’re being insufficiently humble or whatever. (“Oh no, what if they look at my ambitious play/work and think “Who does she think she is?””) This might just be female artists in general and nothing to do with INFJ type people though. ”
I’m a female artist and designer and never think that. I’m pretty stable in what I want to express and how I want to express it and always think it will be understood. I also feel that what I do is strongly tied into play (colours, content, intent etc) and it’s so enrichening that that perhaps doesn’t lead me to question “the validity of (their) “play””. When reading your post I do get the impression that your experience may be tied to how females are judged in certain ways, being “gazed” at, roles, what is the word, conditioning, conditioned to “accomodate”.
This article made me cry! Maybe because all I want to do is play…while everyone else wants to make lists and more lists…ad infinitum! But ya I cried, but if you read it backwards i.e. the article it helps!😉
f*ck the thought police where they at now!
And this made me laugh. In the sense that I can relate, and, ooh, my eyes are getting a little “damp”.
I just want to play and cause fun havoc. Positive havoc.
If this is not a declaration of love for INFJs, I don’t know what is. ☺
The advice is spot on. I CAN work like a motherfucker as long as I can create loving and beautiful worlds.
Blake, I’d like to hear you about the practical journey on playing (Se kind of issues), especially because a lot of arts do require intense physical work in order to be performed at top level (dancing, acting, performing a trick, singing, fighting, massaging, practicing yoga, etc.).
I think this was one of the first questions I ever asked really deeply to myself: what makes me choose one form of art over another? Since my childhood, literature was the art I really exceled in comparison to more physical arts, but I found to be very unhappy with being “just” a writer: it felt like a comfort zone. I knew I was a good writer, but my deepest fear was to be an unilateral kind of artist, a master at writing but not exactly the “real deal” type of performer.
Nowadays, I spend hours per day practicing dancing, acting (influenced by authors like Grotowski, which theorized about the energetic tension of the body as a mean to attain an enlarged and organic scenic presentation), muay thai, yoga, tantric massages, but all this practice sometimes affects my self-steem and makes me wonder if this is a healthy path for an INFJ. I often see Sensation-dominant, auxiliary or even tertiary types evolving faster (and performing in a much more natural way) than myself, and I’m really not sure if an INFJ is able to master Se issues in order to become a top performer.
I obviously believe that it’s possible and healthy, and my obsession with physical mastery isn’t going to cool down even if you say that it would be better for me to focus on manifestations in which I feel confident and fully capable (like writing, clearly not in english), but I still wanted to see your thoughts on Se arts for INFJs (yes, I’m aware that you wrote a 4-part series on Se in dominant Ni types, I’m just not satisfied).
For instance, I’m really good at envisioning a choreography, or a scene, but when I’m performing it feels like I’m not controlling what I’m doing. I often don’t face troubles feeling the energy (or emotion, call it whatever you want) rushing through my body, but when I watch a shooting of the presentation I clearly notice that I make a lot of involuntary movements and display a lot of physical chaos (of course, I’m still a student, but this makes me mad), specially because it makes me feel childish or weirdo. This shame of my performance (not a shy kind of shame, but the shame of physical inability) grows to a point where I’m afraid to be on stage (and often skip challenging classes or presentations) until I master my body, which totally sucks and disturbs my progress. Any lights on that? Keep practicing? Stop being a pussy and skipping classes? Forget performance and go write?
Love.
In general, an INFJ can be a successful performing artist. They can master an instrument, their body, etc. It will be harder for them to practice perhaps. To work when they are not inspired.
This article is basically talking about play for its own sake, more just as a measure of sanity to an INFJ. As I said, play, in its origins, is not goal-oriented. In other words, no one is trying to “get better” at anything. That’s what I’m talking about here.
It sounds like what you are doing is getting too into the technical aspects of what you are doing and berating yourself for your perceived inadequacies. The general answer to that is to reconnect with why you are doing what you are doing (the performing thing). Is the motive at bottom a joy in performing, a love of it for its own sake. Or are you trying to impress other people with how well you have mastered the technical aspects of the medium? Or something else? Why do you want to be a performer? What inspires you in performance?
At the heart of all (good) performance lies play. And play should always be the central reference point of the performance.
Focus on your strengths. Yeah, you can say you have weak Se and focus on that. But, if you want to get better at dance, then you will have to DO a lot of dancing. Whether you do it in the spirit of play and fun or out of a sense of obligation to a school and grades and all that, are two different matters. I would suggest learning the basics and then finding your own way of dancing. I personally think INFJs should not get too lost in the technical matters of any domain. They have to stay connected with the thing that inspires them to be doing that thing in the first place and explore as many variations of that as possible. Fucking dance wrong if you have to. You’re gonna be dead someday. Know what I mean?
Your worrying too much about little stupid things that don’t matter that much in the whole scheme of things. Rage against the dying of the light. Then, you’ll dance just fine. I’m sure of it.
Or dance like a new born child of Spring. Skip all that interim bullshit. Grades and marks for how well you express yourself…it’s all mostly bullshit.
You’ll get better at something if you sincerely enjoy doing it. If you don’t sincerely enjoy it, there is no reason to get better at it.
If you feel you MUST do it, well, that’s a matter of passion. And passion is suffering. So, if you want to suffer because you MUST do that thing, then know that it will be hard. However, I would suggest dropping that attitude if it is present. Go do something that you genuinely enjoy.
INFJs often like to suffer for art. So, whether I tell you to do this or that, you will likely do what you were going to do in the first place.
Isn’t that nice?
I reallyyyyy appreciate all the posts on InFJs. Thank you
Bam, you nailed it. Again. Thanks, Blake, for everything, really, your gift for putting into words what we INFJ’s feel is out of whack in our inner world, as well as “the world out there”, gives me a sense of glorious self righteous vindication. And that never happens. Mighty fist bump to you. 🙂
I really hope you know that you are saving lives.
At least, you have greatly assisted in saving mine.
This “play” concept is where I defaulted when I moved into my loft. I literally had no money other than my deposit, and made close friends with neighbors who were here when the space was first converted. They graciously took me in, and we collectively revolted against our scamlords. The newfound sense of freedom just reopened my sense of… Just feeling like I had permission to be alive. I have written more songs in the last six months than I have in the five years since moving to New York.
I moved when I was 20, running from a less than ideal home life– bipolar older brother, abusive marriage, and a mother who literally made me out to be the idealized version of herself–even though I never was capable of becoming this ideal vision, I always tried and often succeeded. I got the good grades. I met my ex(ish), my INTJ, a year into moving to NYC, and became the good wife. And my music languished. And there was this sense of emptiness that followed me everywhere, that I tried desperately to fill with my neuroscience studies and with him, who I loved and still love deeply–perhaps a last attempt at holding on to my old life–but my current surroundings and full embrace of being a musician and a writer feels so much more honest. I just can’t lie anymore.
I discovered your articles right in tandem with moving here. It’s not just reinforced that this was the right choice, taking charge, but it’s wholly reconciled so many notions I have had internally, providing some external hope where I was lacking elsewhere.
This is a great generosity.
“I really hope you know that you are saving lives.”
I try to know as little as possible about shit like that. It can actually get in the way, believe it or not. The way I see it, I just do what I do. If other people dig it, cool. If they don’t, I don’t give a fuck.
Only way to stay sane.
A gorgeous attitude. I can most certainly understand how that can get in the way. When I was premed, professors always preached how we were the “future healers of the world” I mean, talk about pressure. Like, I’m 20 years old, I cannot handle that. It was only a matter of time before I imploded, honestly. I have been honing this “don’t give a fuck” attitude this last year, and while I clearly still have work to do, its impact thus far has been profound. To feel alive, what a concept.
Keep up the lovely work.
Blake mentioned somewhere on this site the work of Lenore Thomson; I’ve since purchased and read her book on personality type.
She writes:
“The more INxJs try to protect their inner world, the more they lose the Intuitive perspective they’re trying to maintain. They lose the capacity to shift perspectives. They have the sense that truth is a core experience, archetypal, impossible to express in a way that captures its full significance.”
And then, this suckerpunch: “THEIR VISION BECOMES A PSYCHOLOGICAL CASTLE AND THEY STAND IN THE HIGHEST PARAPET, WARNING PEOPLE THAT THEY AREN’T WORTHY TO COME IN.”
This last part really tore me apart, like, just straight-up disemboweled me. It really speaks to the rigidity I feel settling in, the petrification (Castles, after all, are made of stone. Fuck, perhaps being in the throes of Ti is akin to finding yourself atop the castle, but you’re really fucked when you descend into Si because it means you’re BECOMING the fucking castle itself…) to which I’m subjecting myself.
And this is where I tie in the concept of play, the antidote to this rigidity, this petrification. The motherfucking joint-juice. Gotta keep ’em joints supple, you know?
Joint juice…hmm.
Love it!
And yes Lenore Thomson is quite the insightful lady. I recommend her work
.
Aww, so much love in the comment section!!!!! Well Blake, you know how I feel about you so I’m not going to inflate your ego anymore. Hmm…so this is why I enjoy doing handstands for minutes against the wall in order to become centered…ALL IS REVEALED IN THE STELLAR MAZE
You’re not going to inflate my ego anymore? Shit, I was planning on going to Mars on my highly inflated ego. O well.
Hey. Tis great. Tis what Jesus and Buddha should have done instead of being boring.
Honestly though, that bit about living being so piss easy and just vibrantly dimensional as a child rings like a motherfucker somewhere in them annals bro. Like shit I think we were better at fucking handling stress as kids. What do we even lose though? I mean like what the fuck even went down? Like how, living in the kind of beautiful world where lady snakes probably spend every waking second in orgasmic ecstasy slithering and rubbing against the ground, are we all so god damn fucked up.
I love how you mention that we lose a little part of ourselves with the work and play concept. I think what happens is that work, any kind of work, should be play because fuck life is so lucidly volatile and chaotically moving, life is so utterly meaningful, but isn’t because we start spanking ourselves over how we could have been better at it. Work becomes play when we get rid of the judgement that goes with it. Every second is utterly important when we just flow right? Ironic how we find meaning when we stop giving a shit. We beat ourselves up over the idea that we’re not performing (living?) as well as we can. Judgement. Its funny how deep inside we all know these things but we just. can’t. live. them.
And living them, I suppose, is what you’re helping us with. Thank you.
I try to help in my own manner. But, I don’t try too hard. It’s hard to know which way to go. And so I don’t know. Ya know?
Lady snakes…hmm.
First of all, thanks for all your insights, I have loved everything you have written on this site — including the stuff that doesn’t concern my own type/myself… which is proof in and of itself that you are some sort of a genius.
I do have a question about this article, if I may. Isn’t the problem, in the first place, that INFJs can’t _ just_ play? And when I say “can’t”, I don’t mean to be in victim/ typology prisoner mode, I just really mean, can’t, as in, are incapable of, somehow?
I’d love to play, like, really play and just enjoy the flow, and I do play a lot, or at least engage in something that might look like play to outsiders, but to be frank, it’s rarely just playing as an end in itself, it’s always playing as a means to something else… something further, grande, bigger, deeper, etc. Anytime I start playing, for example, some sort of ambition or whatever gets in the way/takes over, and I am actually competing instead of playing… Competing with myself, mostly, but also with friends, family, kids, bugs, Mother Earth, whatever.
For example, I loved dancing as a kid, but already as a kid I couldn’t _just_ dance, I dreamed of being a professional ballerina, yada yada, and was the teacher’s pet in any dance class I went to, because I worked my tush off more than any of the other kids. I had a goal, see, her approval, the stage’s approval, my vision of myself as a dancer, etc. But since I was never really in tune with my own body, I could never tell when I had done too much, when the pain became too much, etc, and basically my knees went kaput when I was 20 trying so hard to be a dancer when I clearly wasn’t going to be. I still really love dancing, and my best moments are when I just turn on the radio and dance… but even in those moments, I have this little nagging voice inside myself that compares myself to other dancers or to the dancer I could have/should have been, etc,… and I usually end up overdoing it, trying to achieve that grand vision of myself, etc. I’m also never sure if it’s actually my own vision of myself, or whether I have absorbed somebody else’s vision for themselves via some strange process of osmosis, felt inspired by it, and sort of just gone for someone else’s dream.
When I was a small child, I remember rolling my eyes at having to play with other kids (“babysitting” I called playdates back then), because I just much rather wanted to be in my own world, left alone with my own thoughts and dreams. I did go and play, and draw, and skip, and hop, obviously, but it was honestly never _just_ play. There was always the grand vision beckoning me to become better, deeper, more proficient, the best of the best, etc.
I know I’m going in circles, and now I forgot what my question even was… Oh yes, how can I learn to _just_ play, when I basically have no recollection of doing it in its purest form, ever, even as a child?
The only thing, perhaps, that comes close to playing is writing in my journal (by hand, just as you said)… It’s so unrelated to others that I feel like I can just truly be myself, I suppose, and play around with ideas and words. No sea of other people’s emotions and visions and ideas trying to get in. Maybe.
I think I’ll have to write more about this. I think it is some sort of common theme – how to play. Can’t do it justice here. Stay tuned.
Briefly, I think the key is learning to turn off judgment, which is measuring oneself against an external or internal standard.
Hi Iove your site and have a kinda random query, hoping for even brief insight–I am InFJ and, long story short, just scored VERY high on a test identifying “covert narcissism” (basically the introverted, highly anxious version of a narcissist). Do you think that this description applies to InFJs in general, or is it a clear indication of being an unhealthy InFJ? Thanks!
I think Ni corresponds to narcissistic traits, for example, seeing oneself as special, interesting, and exempt. I don’t think that means pathological narcissism in the vast majority of cases, but more lying along that continuum.
Off the top of my head, INxJ = covert narcissism and ENxJ = overt narcissism. I think INxPs can have an even more covert narcissism but it is harder to detect unless you know them well.
Take all that I’m saying with a grain of salt. I don’t want people thinking I’m calling all those types full-blown pathological narcissists.
This question used to keep me up at night. I didn’t even relate it to the MBTI, I just wondered if somehow I had grown “off” the typical scale like some sort of magnificent dragon or emotional Godzilla.
Then, after getting to know an INTJ that calls himself a “high functioning sociopath,” and observing that he is actually one of the most ethical people I know, but so much more analytical/practical over empathetic/reactive, I’d put his sociopathy (and the very special, exempt INFJ brand of narcissism) in the same sorting pile.
It’s a trait or constellation of traits, but not a disorder. Unless it starts growing out of proportion through negative patterns or lack of self-awareness, causing unusually high collateral damage. Other traits – other INFJ traits – a need to uphold certain ethics, a talent for observation and for empathy, they keep the bad in check. Like good and bad bacteria. If we stay healthy, if we try to avoid harm, oh hell, if we even care whether we’re narcissists – oh honey, we’re not in danger of having that particular personality disorder.
I enjoyed your article,thank you very much.
I just started hip-hop dancing at the age of thirty-one (a year ago), and it is the ONLY thing that temporarily fills the hole in me that nothing has ever been able to fill.. no person, no relationship, no drug, no nothin’. I’m in Nursing School, and although that helps my Fe itch, dancing is my Prozac. Too bad I’m so late in this discovery.
Blake, I love your work. Write a book, please! These infj posts are incredibly insightful, but do you also have advice for all the intj’s out there? You might think we have it all figured out, but we struggle… Oh how we struggle. Keep sharing, your talent is rare and always appreciated.
Recently I jotted down “play”.
I saw animals playing (I think), and remembered that that is the basis of my personality. It’s easy to forget when caught up in “have to’s” and carrying the world on one’s shoulders (and stuck in that fookin’ Infj loop. Jesus Christ. What a pain in the ass).
Hi Blake !
First thank you so much for your very interesting and useful articles.
You advise INFJs to express their Fe through art. This rings true to me, because I’ve always been attracted to all kinds of artistic expressions (except of course heavy metal…joking…not really actually…yes I’m joking).
When I was young I played the piano, but was ever good at the technical aspect of it. Though I looooved being able to express myself. As I advanced in my training (i took classes at a music school), somehow the technical aspect took more and more space. I had forgotten why I was playing in the first place and became obsessed with performance. It was a struggle. I stopped playing because I couldn’t have it anymore. I believe my need for external validation has played an enormous role here.
Since then I’ve started lots of artistic activities, but the problem keeps coming up. At some point I feel the need to do « things right », to conform to some standard that must be met otherwise I’m not « a musician », « a comedian », « a whatever ». And I usually quit because I know I will never be able to conform.
Of course there is always the writing (I keep a diary since my teenage years, I had a blog and generally I keep writing stuff down), but 1) it seems too narrow to me. I’m sick of writing about my own little feelings. How can I connect with the world like this ? 2) it’s hard for me to put words on what I am feeling anyway.
So my question to you Blake : Is the need for external validation an INFJ thing ? how can I get past that ? what are your thoughts ?
Thanks !
p.s. : sorry for my poor english, it’s not my mother tongue.
The need for external validation is not by any means exclusively an INFJ thing. I would say most people, regardless of type, need external validation to some extent.
I think what you are talking about in this context is the INFJ Te superego vs. the Fe auxiliary. Or technical sufficiency vs. expressive sufficiency. INFJs should err greatly on the side of the Fe part of this equation. Getting hung up on technique is a way to quash the INFJ interest in art and expression. Typically, INFJs will get by without much technique. If not, it will be acquired as a secondary motive and a natural outcome of joy of expressing oneself in a given artistic medium, which is to say, as a result of the Fe auxiliary function, that simple childlike joy in expression that INFJs typically have when younger (if it wasn’t squashed from a very young age). In essence, an INFJs basic contact and point of connection to an artistic medium should be a simple joy. If the joy is lost, the INFJ will be lost as how to proceed in the medium, or even why they should proceed.
So, this comes to the outside validation thing. Doing it to get outside approval for how good you are at it. Of course this is natural. We want recognition for the things we like to do. And for the things we want to be good at. But, I would say the motive for wanting to be good at something is a romantic ideal of sorts (NF temps) which can prevent the actual enjoyment of the moment and what one has available in that moment, what one can do now in their chosen medium. And leads to a waiting for that future moment when one will be that great and awesome artist that is imagined in the mind’s eye.
And in order to get there the INFJ will often envision a sort of suffering at the hands of technique. They won’t enjoy it but they will resolve to endure it to get to that future vision of themselves as a great artist.
So, I would say, fuggedaboutit.
Learn to enjoy it in the moment and now. Otherwise, it will be this ideal that tortures you and drives you on in that spirit. And an INFJ is likely to give up eventually if it continues in this martyr/ascetic spirit for too long.
Why?
Because they aren’t enjoying their chosen medium. And going on too long in non-enjoyment leads to a hatred of that medium. It becomes another rote thing that they have to do, all for some future perfection.
Fuck perfection. Perfection comes from enjoyment and immersion in a medium and sustaining that enjoyment and immersion for long periods of time. So, not a search for technique, but, a ongoing search for what keeps you inspired and fresh in that medium. What do you really like? That is Fe method over Te standardized, one-size-fits-all curriculums of learning and approaching a field or medium. Fe has to find out what really delights it in the chosen medium. Maybe it needs to cross-fertilize and stay connected to other mediums too. Fe is all over the place. It needs a lot of variety and stimulation and moods and indulgences to stay interested. It requires more free-formness, flexibility, and meandering than Te.
Hope that helps. If not, ask me more questions.
Thanks for your response Blake.
I think you nailed it. My struggle came from pursuing some kind of unreachable mastery at the expense of the enjoyment of simply BEING playing the piano.
No wonder meditation has been so good to me. Being in the moment is so liberating…yet so difficult.
Do I have questions? Are you kiddin’? I’m full of questions.
Here’s one: I now see a connection between Fe and being in the now. You can only express Fe in this moment. But since I am leading with Intuition, and live to accomplish some kind of (undefined) vision, how can I at the same time express myself in this moment? Because the way I see it this expression will never be conform to the vision. How can we cope with this discrepancy? Is it the “willing not to know” thing that you described many times in your articles?
Blake, I’m wondering something about INFJs, artistic expression, and Fe. Between your writings about Fe and other peoples’, I’m getting a picture of Fe in an INFJ as both the in-the-flow expression of inner self into the outer world that often might look like making art/writing/etc, and also as a system that lets the INFJ Fe user understand the emotional states of others in a way that is beyond or before or under words. I envision it kind of like a telex from old movies. You press a key, a key is pressed at the other end. Almost a mechanical process, someone feels ergo you feel. But it isn’t verbal or conscious, exactly, it’s like theory-of-mind on performance enhancers, like your mind is constantly scanning the environment for clues as to what’s going on socially and emotionally and then extrapolating from there toward your goals. Is it empathy? Am I just talking about sci-fi style empaths, like Deanna Troi but much crazier?
Is any of that in the ballpark?
Anyway. I see and experience a tension here, between the need to output in a state of non-judgmental flow (=playing) and what I perceive as the other half of that Fe need – to be constantly aware of how others are feeling and to operate on that to maintain social harmony and good feelings. Have you ever seen Mad Men? I’m not about to predict types for characters, don’t worry. It’s more – when they go into a pitch meeting, and someone stands up and does a pitch for what an ad should look like, is an INFJ going to be stuck constantly, maybe subconsciously, scanning the clients’ faces for approval or disapproval? How can a person who scans the environment for social harmony and seeks to maintain or improve it let go of that enough to get into a playful, non-judgmental flow state? To me this seems almost like a trap built into the INFJ functional stack (and it’s something I have struggled with) so I’m hoping you’re about to unleash some mindblowing genius and explain that I’m totally wrong.
Also. I was thinking about functions while at a conference for my partner’s work recently. I noticed my own pull between introversion and a desire to be appropriately sociable – to make others feel good, to do the appropriate polite things (but then there was that constant strain of noticing how everyone at the table felt and if people were laughing or feeling bored). When I’m doing this sort of professional socializing or networking, on the inside, I often feel so awkward and tense, like a person playing 11-D chess for high stakes. I am very aware in non-verbal ways of how conversation is like emotional Tetris, of the ways in which I am moving chess pieces around the board. My awareness of that makes me feel tense. But on the outside, I think it looks different. People say things about me that I find amazing – that I am charming and socially graceful. People tell me personal things about themselves. People want to connect with me. I often feel very detached from this version of myself, like a mask that rests over my real self, and tense about being, potentially, the most manipulative person! (Even though I’m only manipulating someone into telling me a story he enjoys telling about his boat, or whatever.)
Is empathy a real thing? Have you ever written about that? Is “empathy” Fe scanning for emotional information?
I HAVE ALL OF THE QUESTIONS. PS did you know that on Amazon people can pay to subscribe to a blog?
I read this blog a few days ago and I didn’t realize how true this is until today. I don’t know if what you’re saying relates to what I’m sharing but bear with me. I work with kids and the hardest part about the job is doing my duty (aka keeping students in check with rules and regulations). Last Friday was just a shitty day cause the kids were arguing about how wrong was I to let the other kids go, blah blah, due to the “rules and regulation” we had to keep. Mind you I like regulations if it’s flexible. Today I told them to keep their voice at a decent level for lunch. Majority of the time they’re okay, some days they’re loud and rowdy which leads to silent lunch. Anyway, the point is today I decided to “F it” to the rules and regulation that we had to follow because it’s making me hate my job! I woke up one morning saying to myself “I hate work” when I haven’t felt this way since I started working there (1.5 years). Since I decided to “F it” I had the best day at work. I dread doing this for the past few days until today.
“INFJs want to play. They don’t want to work. Unless work is play.” – Can I say how true this is? Work is play and it makes me come alive. There’s meaning in playing. Otherwise I hate everything and everyone.
Yes, a lot of Fe expression for INFJ is just finally saying, “Fuck it”. But, not in the sense of Fi futility and giving up. More just if you are getting to that point of hating everything that much, then, let it fucking rip. Note: Letting it rip might be something quite subtle and seemingly small, but, it can make all the difference because you have finally allowed yourself a little of your own expression and preference.
I mean is dealing with kids essentially very easy when you just interact with them on their own level. It’s like, “O, it is so simple after all” when you get rid of the bureaucratic, “this is the way it should be” overlays. No, it doesn’t have to be any one way. That is Te. Fe has many ways to do the same thing. And INFJs will have to find a way to allow themselves the luxury of doing things in different variations (or plays) on a similar theme. The reason it is difficult is because of our cultural and societal conditioning which is much more Te and regulated and officially sanctioned etc.
No, to an INFJ, it can all be rather simple. INFJs know kids. They just have to allow themselves to know that they know. Their strength will be in engaging kids on their levels, not following codes and regulations at this time on this day in this situation. They don’t need all that. All that stuff was created for people that are deficient in what INFJs are naturally good at.
Doesn’t mean you don’t have to play by the rules somewhat. But, experiment with different approaches and variations.
After all, if you hate your job so much you feel ready to walk out of it or conversely to agree to be dead in it, then, what have you got to lose by changing it up a little bit.
And you are right, unless work is play, INFJs want to stay away. Otherwise, they grow to hate everything and then eventually blame themselves for all of it somehow.
We are taught that play is childish in this culture. However, what this culture doesn’t realize is that all the best and most ennobling things in the world have come from the spirit of play. And INFJs have the ability to create this ennobling culture once again if they would stop being so frightened and making pacts with marginal existence.
And it all starts with people like you. Whether you make the decision to play or accept living death.
Hallelujah! Amen!
Can I get a “Glory be to Jesus” on this side.
I done had it with all these rules that keep sh*t stagnant and boring
How about I tell u how we are going to run this joint today huh?
Yeah that’s me having a jolly good time at work…and here is to another fuck this sh*t…you can get the next round somerandomchick. If they reinvent this wheel one more motherfucking time amma flip my sh*t. As you can clearly see am already there!
I feel good, I knew that I would now!
Ya.
Thanks Blake! Hey, you know I work with a student name Blake too. He’s a tough one but I love his sense of humor. Anyway, thanks for your knowledge. Just a quick update: work has been great.
Let it rip, ooh, I like this.
Blake, your articles are amazing and inspire me a lot. Recently I’ve started writing about MBTI on my blog, too, even though I am not a native speaker and always a bit ashamed of my imperfect English.
But it feels like fun, so I do it.
My favourite spiritual teachers (and many others too, I guess), Teal Swan and Abraham Hicks, talk about following your joy / “getting into the Vortex” a lot.
It means that when you do whatever feels right and exciting to you and therefore get in a good mood, the universe will take care of the rest automatically 🙂 Kind of similar to “flow”, if not the same.
According to the emotional guidance scale Abraham Hicks created the highest vibrational frequency consists of the emotions of joy, appreciation, empowerment, freedom and love.
Sometimes it’s hard to trust that but I think we (as humans in general, but especially INFJs) should really try to approach this world with a little more playful- and lightheartedness.
Even though people are usually shocked at first when they discover this side to our personality 😀
It’s fun to read this article together with the one on Curbing information. Much of my browsing the media is to feed imaginary worlds and stories, and without the resolve to express those things in the form of finished works, I would never get anything done, just always hungry for more. On the other hand, finishing a work means accepting learning curves, imperfections, envy toward others’ works, impossible urges to retract published works and fix them, etc. The acceptance kinda keeps me sane and focused on enjoying the playing part.
I have been thinking that I was an INFJ for a long time and I have only recently discovered that I am really an ISFP. Could that be the reason why most INFJs want to be artists ?
It’s very funny and ironic that most intuitives don’t care about MBTI, I think it is all the borderline sensors /wannabe intuitives that are obsessed with this. My confirmed INFP husband doesn’t want to hear about mbti and I think this is because the idealists base their self steem on being unique so fitting in a box is not really part of their plan. But he is obsessed with Si as I am obsessed with Ni. My husband has an uncanny ability to understand abstract theories like maths, physics. He doesn’t learn them, he understands them to the point of being able to use them for real life. But of course he wants to be a sensor, intuition is easy for him so why bother.
I just think that the majority of your INFJ readers are really ISFPs which of course want to be artists but somehow life lead them astray. I love Kersey description of the artisan composer, it brings tears to my eyes.
“I have been thinking that I was an INFJ for a long time and I have only recently discovered that I am really an ISFP. Could that be the reason why most INFJs want to be artists ?”
To put it bluntly – no.
“It’s very funny and ironic that most intuitives don’t care about MBTI”
It would be very funny and ironic except for the fact it is not at all true. Intuitives, and NFs in particular, and INFJs most particularly, care the most about, and are the most interested in, Myers-Briggs type theory. If I had to put it down to one type, INFJ is the type that most obsesses over this shit. And it ain’t because they are really ISFPs as I see that you are surmising.
“My confirmed INFP husband doesn’t want to hear about mbti and I think this is because the idealists base their self steem on being unique so fitting in a box is not really part of their plan.”
OK, this statement is rife with problems from an argumentation point-of-view.
1. How has your husband been “confirmed” as an INFP? If you mean by this, he has taken an “official” test that “confirms” that he is an INFP, it is well-known that the MBTI and tests that are derived from it (especially free and unproctored internet tests) are not at all stable as test instruments. Upon repeat testing, it is highly likely that you will end up with a different result. Not stable. Not reliable.
2. Even supposing he is an INFP, he represents a sample size of one.
3. The reason INFPs don’t like to be fit in a box (or a category) is because of the relationship they have to Ti, and not because they are one of the four members of the “idealist” class (NF) of temperaments. INFJs are idealists too and they love to obsess over which category they fit into and to know as much about that category as possible. INFJs love Ti and INFPs hate it. It has nothing to do with the idealists basing their self-esteem off of “being unique”. For example, INFJs are unique because they are INFJs and no other type. But, they still want to know the category of their uniqueness. They want a name for it. And names are a form of labeling and categorizing. Well, it suits INFJs fine, just as long as you put them in the “right” category.
And you’re right, INFPs aren’t as keen on this. But, its because of Ti, not N. If anything, N (intuition) is the very thing that makes people interested in type theory. Why? Because N is all about seeing the “patterns” between things. And what are these patterns but the “similarities” between things?
“I just think that the majority of your INFJ readers are really ISFPs which of course want to be artists but somehow life lead them astray.”
Another massive and ungrounded assumption. Just because you think that the majority of my INFJ readers are really ISFPs doesn’t make it so. I think it stems from the faulty assumption that ISFP is “the artist type” or “the composer”. And funnily enough, I just received a comment right before yours that questions whether INFJ are really the type that is inclined to produce inspiring art. They maintain that ISFP and INFP would be the types that would make the best artists (or musicians in this case).
So, to address what I think you are saying I will reproduce that comment and my answer in full below:
Lf23 comments:
“Besides literature, are INFJ really inclined to produce inspiring art? I mean, i understand that they can be helpful psychologists, writers… But i cant think, for exemple, of a great musician…(i thought George harrison was an INFJ). The best of them are basically INFP and ISFP.”
blake replies:
“Besides literature, are INFJ really inclined to produce inspiring art?”
Yes, and not only are they inclined, but, they have the most ideal temperament setup to actually do so. That would be Ni dominance (inspired), Fi id (the pathos of great art), Fe auxiliary (the prime function in the prime position for artistic effects – not Se as is commonly thought), and Ti tertiary (elegant perfecting function).
“I mean, i understand that they can be helpful psychologists, writers… But i cant think, for exemple, of a great musician”
Try Chopin and probaly Mozart as well. Yes, I know, many in the type community consider Mozart to be an ISFP because ISFP has been labeled as “the composer” type, but, to put it bluntly, they don’t know what they are talking about. If any type would be “the composer type”, it would be INFJ (and maybe ENFJ as a second runner up. Beethoven was DEFINITELY an ENFJ). Especially, if we are talking the ability to compose artistic works that have many new ideas in them. ISFPs, for example, often make the greatest virtuosos on an instrument, but, do not by a long shot make the greatest composers, which involves the creation of new material in an artistic medium. Compared to INFJ (and ISFJ and ENFJ), they are minor composers. And George Harrison (ISFP) would be a great example of this. Compared to Lennon (INFJ) and McCartney (ISFJ), he was nowhere near as gifted or prolific as them. Which is not to say that he wasn’t a great songwriter but it is matter of relativity and scope. ISFPs, in most cases, are not known for their songwriting abilities. Now, as far as pure musicianship goes, they are the musician’s musician. But, you were kind of mixing up “the production of inspiring art” with being “a great musician”. For example, John Lennon is not considered a particularly great guitar player (he was a rhythm guitarist mainly), but, he did produce some of the most inspiring music ever written in the medium of rock n’ roll and pop music. He was an adequate musician and a genius composer.
I think ISFPs make some of the greatest “players” on a given instrument, but, they will not by any means be the greatest composers. Jimi Hendrix is the greatest example of this in the guitar playing world. He is MOSTLY known for revolutionizing the way the electric guitar could be played. He took that instrument to its highest capacity. However, he is not known as a particularly revolutionary composer of new material. Which is not to say that he didn’t write any new material that could be considered “groundbreaking”, but, compared to other songwriters of the same time period (Lennon, McCartney, Townshend, Dylan) that are as famous as him, he has only a handful of songs that could be considered truly original or innovative just as compositions. He was great at juicing up the blues through sonic exploration via the electric guitar and the relatively new concept of “feedback” that developed at that time. And hands down, ISFPs do make some of the greatest rock and blues guitarists the world has ever seen. Examples: Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Keith Richards etc. The world of great guitarists is loaded with ISFPs. But, great composers? Compared to INFJ composers? On the whole. No.
Other examples of INFJ composers/songwriters/musicians:
Felix Mendelssohn (classical composer and contemporary of Chopin)
Roger Waters (Pink Floyd)
Syd Barrett (Pink Floyd)
Jim Morrison (The Doors)
Kurt Cobain (Nirvana)
Lou Reed (Velvet Underground)
Leonard Cohen
Joni Mitchell
Bob Marley
Nick Cave
Tom Waits
Tori Amos
Many of the above people are known for writing innovative and inspired music, but often enough, don’t have any particular prowess or virtuosity on a musical instrument.
This wouldn’t be true with any of the examples I have given of INFJs from the classical period of music for the simple reason that anybody that wanted to compose at that time would have had to be a great player as well.
This is not true in the rock paradigm of music. Or pop music.
Hope that clears some things up. If not, come back at me with intelligent rebuttals.
“Hope that clears some things up. If not, come back at me with intelligent rebuttals.”
This is a properly horrible remark that says a lot about you Blake.
How is it a horrible remark?
Haha relax…. He/she wrote that for my comment
Hey I am an INFP who spends lots of time reading about mbti as well as can’t stop thinking about such things with everyone I know, I almost “try on” the various people around me. Just… incessantly really. It amazes my INTP husband. He likes it too. So NOPE. Intuitives like mbti.
2 phenomenal great INFJ (modern) composers:
Ludovico Einaudi
Philip Glass
seek out their work, it is the template for emotive, expressive INFJ-ness….has the ability to reduce you to tears while ascending you to existential bliss
I want to thank you so much for this. It seems life saving to me. After reading this I realized how serious I was about life, identity and all of this crap. Like I really needed to fix myself. I don’t even know how to exactly say what I want to say. I was just caught thinking the same patterns again and again. Because there was something I needed to fix. I didn’t even knew what. I think that just changed here and there. I don’t even know what it was now. But I just realized how stupid it all was. When I was around 13 years old I just stopped playing. I forgot how to do it. First I need to know who I am, what the purpose of this life is and whatever. Maybe then I would be allowed to play. At least that’s what I thought. I never did anything. Before I act, I must exactly know how to do it. And I often thought about my childhood and how great it all was back then. And I wondered what the hell changed. I thought that’s just what life is. Hard, you must work hard, gonna feel bad about it a lot of times, but that’s what life is. There are so many office workers who don’t like their job, but have to do it. I thought life is hard and you just need to learn to accept it. Thank you Blake. Thank you. I think this post changed the way what my whole life will be like . Maybe I would have realized this on my own, but that would have token a really long time. I feel like there’s something I’m missing that I still need to say, but I don’t know what. Maybe I’ll know later on. You really do understand infj. And you really know how to help these little, happy and artistic children. Thank you.
Blake, would you say that Maynard James Keenan is an INFJ?
Thank you so much for this! You just helped a young INFJ who was in doubt wether to go to Art academy or not,which,kind of wasn’t really neccessary as I’m gifted. I thought that I don’t have enough passion just for being an artist,comparing myself to some really ambitious people. I thought watching some stereotypes over and over again,for being an artist you just have to love the “pure material side of it”,I mean,those people just liking colors and making landscapes,thereby also being opsessed with their work. Also the Fi stereotype of art. So I was unsure of embracing my Ni-Fe style(also thanks for mentioning Fi id).As you said,the INFJ,trying to live up to the image of a completely responsible and normal person in the adult world, forgets about their child wonder of all this world contains,which,combined with the “Fe flow” makes an artist,in it’s truest essence.This post just helped me to embrace what I already thought I head to embrace,just was too afraid and unsure of doing it.
🙂
Blake, I have one question for you:
Was Hitler really an INFJ?
Hahaha, this is awesome!
Blake, I wrote this in my journal the other day,
“I am just completely unhappy.
And unhappier still… because I don’t know why the hell I am unhappy.
I miss beautiful things, I suppose,
like sunsets, and daisies, and raindrops and beautiful trees.
Extraordinary kindness, gentle touches, authenticity.
I am so fucking tired of waking up every day, and making sure to survive, behave, obey, perform, give, listen, forming that perfect fake smile, be the good girl I always have to be.
I think I have been designed to do so much more than simply surviving,
Dumb things like, I don’t know…
Gazing at the stars, hopping on a train and traveling to unknown places, dancing in the rain like an idiot,
Anything other than simply shitting and sleeping!
I’ve been doing this for God knows how long,
and I think my soul is disintegrating,
just so exhausted, and bored, and empty and dying.”
Thank you for affirming this!!
We are a bizarre bunch, aren’t we?
This is my favorite article on INFJs. I come back and read it again from time to time and half of it seems to be written spontaneously but it just strikes a chord with me somehow.
Thanks for the inspired writing 🙂