Do you feel isolated from humanity? Do you conjure up all these epic scenarios about how much people must hate you? Does no one smile at you in the streets? Are you even in the streets in the first place? Or are you at home in your self-imposed isolation imagining all these things in the theater of your own mind?
This is an Ni-Ti loop, my friend.
INFJs often imagine that it is up to other people to provide the signs of good will first, then they may respond in kind…but they often won’t, because the INFJ has programmed themselves to ignore the positive in people.
However, INFJs are designed to OFFER Fe first. In Socionics they call it a PRODUCING FUNCTION, which means that extraverted feeling is the primary cognitive function that INFJ offers as a product. It’s kinda like the principle that if you want something, then offer it to others first.
Therefore, the solution to your imagined alienation from your fellow asshole humans is to begin to activate your bypassed extraverted feeling auxiliary function in the form of simple social behavior.
Here are three simple actions the INFJ may take to start developing their social prowess, in order from least to greatest effort. They may seem simple to your overly complex mind, but the best things always are.
- Smile and make eye contact with five people as you walk by
- Say hello to five people and give them a random compliment
- Start a conversation with a stranger by asking an open-ended question
Okay, now let’s start with the most general and low-intensive item
Smiling and making eye contact with five people as you walk by
This is easy. But the results it can yield as an experimental practice to flip the script on your cynical outlook on humanity is amazing. It’s just as simple as making eye contact with a person as you walk by and smiling at them. Chances are they will smile back. Smiling in a friendly manner works a world of wonders immediately. It’s like instant karma. I know many INFJs are gonna find this corny. To this I say “Be a part of the solution! Come in for the big win! Love your fellow humans!” It costs nothing, and the only thing you have to give up is your shitty attitude.
Go up to five people you see, give them a compliment, then leave
This simple exercise tunes you into Fe. Because you are noticing two things
- People
- Something you LIKE about them
And then, further
3. Delivering this to the person
Again, may sound corny, but I noticed that it’s hard to stay in a negative internal loop when you follow a simple social directive like this.
Now, getting to the point where you will actually DO it can be hard. But the way out of an Ni-Ti loop is simple, not complex.
Start a conversation with a random stranger
Now this is getting edgy, but bear with me, it’s actually quite fun when you get in the right spirit.
In this exercise, you go up to a person you feel drawn to for whatever reason, and you smile and say hello and all that, then you ask an open-ended question that you have prepared in advance.
An open-ended question is a question that does not have a yes or no answer. So like if a guy went up to a girl he fancied and said “Hello” and she said “Hello” and then the guy panics because he wasn’t expecting the girl to say anything back, yet there she is waiting for him to say something else. He then hurriedly stammers out “Are you free tonight?” or something stupid like that. And she says “No” and walks away. Well, he just killed the emerging beauty of that interaction with a question that can only be answered in the positive or negative.
Here is where the simple technique of asking open-ended questions creates a whole universe of different results. Because if the guy had said hello to the girl like before, and she said her instinctive hello back, but then the guy asked her a brilliant open-ended question like “What do you think the weather is gonna be like tonight?” well, then the girl would have to immediately be intrigued and say something that wasn’t yes or no. She would have to say something. And whatever she says is going to lead to a whole world of possibilities, believe me.
For example, if she said she thinks it’ll be fine tonight, “Weather should be good”, whatever, the guy could follow up with “I heard it’s gonna rain” You see where this is going? Believe it or not, this dumb dialogue that has developed within the course of 10 seconds is a universe of potential better than if he had asked her a yes or no question. She might be intrigued, but if the conversation even goes on a little longer, there is something going on in pickup art called STACKING and INVESTMENT. The longer the guy keeps her there, and keeps his cool (he doesn’t even have to say anything particularly profound or interesting), she will start investing in him. It’s just human nature. And then who knows, maybe they’ll become friends for life. I think that’s what usually happens in these scenarios.
But pickup art aside, you can take this very simple structure of
- Smiling and making eye contact with passerby
- Giving a compliment based on something you like about a person
- Starting a conversation by asking an open-ended question
And see where it takes you.
If you just did the first exercise of smiling at 5 people a day for 5 months, your life would change, just on that basis. If you smiled at one person a day for one month, your life would change. It costs nothing, and it builds connection with your fellow humans. It creates this net positive karma that has no choice but to make you feel better.
So do it. And then report back here.
Who did you approach? What was their reaction? What was your open-ended question? Where did the interchange go? Anywhere interesting?
In the INFJ Action and Accountability Program, I help INFJs get out of an Ni-Ti loop by pushing them to take action and holding them accountable to weekly goals.
If interested, drop me a line at blake@stellarmaze.com, tell me what you wanna work on, and we’ll see if we can work something out.
Featured Photo Credit: Delta Lampung (Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International)
I find it easier to smile and make eye contact with neighbors or colleagues than with random strangers. They always say hello back, and often start a conversation with me.
Also, I’ve found that people that are walking their dog are more likely to have a conversation with me than others. I will start innocently by telling them how cute their dog is, asking them how old the dog is, etc. And sometimes the person will not only respond back, but ends up talking about completely different things!
Also, I’ve found that people that are walking their dog are more likely to have a conversation with me than others
That’s a good 80/20 observation in the realm of Fe: “People that are walking their dog are more likely to have a conversation with me than others.” Little clues like this are the key to a whole world of connection where you leave your hell of isolation behind.
I will start innocently by telling them how cute their dog is, asking them how old the dog is, etc.
Good, good. Little do these innocents know that by answering these open-ended questions they are about to enter into a world of enforced social delight to be administered by a desperate isolated soul that is out for social blood.
And sometimes the person will not only respond back, but ends up talking about completely different things!
Well, isn’t that interesting 😉
Oh, I don’t know. On the contrary, I’m tired of strangers constantly talking to me. For example, there can be 10-15 people standing at a bus stop, and if someone needs to ask for directions, they will turn to me. It was like that just yesterday. And 5 minutes before that, the lady in the supermarket in line in front of me felt the need to explain to me why she needed so much firewood. And if I talk to someone for a little longer, there’s a good chance that I’ll know about their family situation and the skeletons in the closet. I’m sometimes afraid to make eye contact. Sunglasses help, but not always. Even the fact that I’m a foreigner doesn’t help. Are these INFJs practicing on me after reading Blake’s article? Hey guys, I got you covered.
By the way, Blake, what does your name mean?
Sounds like you become a homing beacon for people that need to talk and relate. This is inline with what we hear about INFJ’s becoming the natural counselor or advisor in the social economy.
I suppose what I was suggesting is proactively using Fe to initiate social interactions, or the beginnings of them, by a specific and sequential set of steps that is designed to first stick your toe in the water, leading up to asking an open-ended question to someone you may feel drawn to for whatever reason.
This is more active than passive, which is what I hear you complaining about.
By the way, Blake, what does your name mean?
It means badass motherfucker 😉
Very relatable. Scarily so.
Being invisible on the streets…I wonder if this is a deliberate guise some INFJs deploy to fly under the radar. Manipulating and lowering their outward energy so to speak. Or, employing a stony countenance to dissuade customers.
It’s funny to juxtapose your erudite posts with the stereotypes of INFJ! Very different…
When I got a puppy, it was as if everything changed; people would stop me and engage in joyous conversation. Now that my dog is adult, that enthusiasm from others has disappeared. I’m at a loss to understand what is the exact mechanism at play; was it my energy that was different, or was it the cute object that people were drawn to.
The issue I have is that I loath small talk. It’s as if I’m allergic to people. I want nothing to do with them. I will conjure up all the outcomes of the conversation and none of them appeal. Probably something deeper than MBTI is at play here (or I’m another type) so I apologise for hijacking this section!
Some people however fascinate me. A girl I’ve seen at the park a couple of times for example who practices baton twirling. Perhaps she’s an ENTP (just seems like something they’d do). I thought hell, you could be below average appearance and still be much “hotter” than someone conventionally attractive by virtue of this interesting hobby.
So maybe I’ll keep your article in mind and ask her something if I see her again!
Since what you advised – morning pages, running, writing – works for me, I will try to apply your recommendations to the proactive use of Fe. To encourage readers to follow your advice, I will say that sport gives me more energy. As for writing, in November I wrote like 3/4 of the children’s book. And morning pages have always been must-have for me. Thank you.
As Bob, nowadays I feel allergic towards people. So I asked myself what kind of people I’m drawn to. And so far my answer is beautiful people. It may sound superficial. But who knows, maybe deep down I’m superficial. Maybe I’ve always been biased against them. I think this is an interesting area to explore.
May your Fe be with you, badass motherfucker 😎
Hope you don’t mind me asking, but do you do both morning pages and writing in the same day? I’m an aspiring writer, and I’d imagine it would be difficult to break away from a novel to do morning pages? (Even though morning pages is a quick activity).
For me, writing morning pages is a priority. It soothes my nervous mind. As you mentioned, it can be a quick, early activity. When it comes to creative writing, I’ve decided not to be too harsh on myself. I work on it when I have time, but I aim for at least two hours. It doesn’t have to be every day; sometimes it’s every other day. I’ve read that creativity peaks every 90 minutes, though you never know when exactly. So, for me, the important thing is to sit and stare at the screen for at least two hours. Sometimes, I end up doing nothing for 1 hour and 40 minutes, and then write just a few sentences. Other days, the time is much more productive. Regardless of the result, it’s an amazing experiment to observe my inner struggle.
Just begin doing it, Bob. I am rooting for you.
Nice, now as an INFJ how can I develop my Fe so I’m smooth enough to pick up chicks and get laid? (And make lots of money so I can quit the employee trap, never have to work again, and be a bohemian bum with no responsibility and lots of books, laying on the beach at 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon and chatting up the bikini chicks and treating them to some sausage later on.)
I’m going to assume most of your comment was a joke. But seriously, I think this question is framed in an unhelpful way for you and everybody else.
Human beings need another human beings, period. Find what gets you up out of bed & commit to that, be somewhat presentable (be hygienic, get your life together), and don’t be a selfish asshole.
3 basics, regardless of personality. If you didn’t achieve those 3 and don’t achieve those 3 on a regular basis, you will fall into the false INFJ/Ni-Ti victimisation trap. Worse yet you will form allies with such self-identifying people and then you dig yourself a hole. Find winners, keep interacting with winners, be a winner, and that starts from those 3 basics, and soon you’ll find there are way more interesting questions & concerns to spend time on.